August 28th, 2004. Corey Koskie, enjoying a fourteen-game hitting streak, is at the height of his season. The Twins are facing Anaheim at Angels Stadium. It’s 2-2 in the bottom of the fourth. As Angels’ catcher Bengie Molina hits a grounder to short, Curtis Pride tries to advance from second to third.

Abort, Koskie! Bail out!

Guzie throws to Koskie who successfully blocks the base—with his knee. Pride’s spikes dig into him.

My God, we can’t hold it. She’s breaking up! CRASH!

Koskie’s knee explodes! The impact jars loose his poor quality prosthetic arm, both legs, and his glass eye. It’s the straw that breaks the camel’s back. The delicate balance of superglue, Velcro, and duct tape that’s held together the faltering machine that is Corey Kosie is overturned. He’s finished.

...Or is he?

Corey Koskie...third baseman. A man barely alive.

Terry Ryan: Gentlemen, we can rebuild him...

...We have the technology...

We have the capability to make the world’s first bionic man....

Corey Koskie will be that man.

Better than he was before!

Better!

Stronger!

Faster!

Corey Koskie is...the Six Million Dollar Man!

Flash to September 18th, 2004:

Baltimore at Twins. Orioles 12, Twins 3.
It was the fourth inning. Michael Cuddyer had walked on four pitches, and it was time for Terry Ryan to show Carl Pohlad that he hadn’t wasted his precious six million dollars. His greatest creation, the Six Million Dollar Man, stepped up to the plate. Koskie’s new bionic knees kept him perfectly balanced, adjusting for miniscule changes in the barometric pressure, adapting to the flow of air from the fan output behind him. His bionic eye analyzed the trajectory of each of Cabrera’s pitches in a millisecond and Corey laid off three balls. Finally, his eye plotted the course of a good pitch and Corey activated his nuclear-powered arm. Smash!

Yes, the Six Million Dollar Man returned to the lineup better, stronger, and faster today. If only the folks at NASA had to equipped more Twins with nuclear-powered limbs they might have overcome the hitting onslaught of Miggie and company. Bradke would have needed the bionic eye with a strike-zone targeting system to overcome his lackluster performance, Morneau, Ojeda, and Cuddyer would have needed telescoping arms to have caught all the liners through the infield in the 8th, and Resto and Lew would have needed bionic legs to leap several stories to catch all the homers. And let's not even get started on the bullpen.

The Twins, thank goodness, are starting their other bionic man tomorrow, Johan Santana, who next year should be worth a lot more than 6 million.

Posted by Jeb at September 18, 2004 05:48 PM