Baltimore at Twins. Twins 5, Baltimore 1

My fellow Americans, if you have had, for some reason, any doubt... If you have wavered in anyway... If you have in the past said, "George W. Bush, he has the strength of his convictions," or "John Kerry, he really is going to do something about health care," or "Ralph Nader, because he's so charismatic," or "Jean-Luc Picard, because he has leadership experience," I am sure you watched today's game and said, Never mind! Excuse me. Pardon me. I had some doubts there for a minute, I was dazzled by another candidate, but now I see that Johan K. Santana is clearly the best--the only--choice to lead us boldly into tomorrow. I stand in the streets and cry, Santana/Nathan '04!

Shout Out, Louise!

Santana struck out fourteen batters today. He struck out the final batter in the first through fifth innings. He struck out two batters in the seventh, and struck out the side in the eighth inning--on ten pitches. He hasn't allowed a run in the month of September, for 30 consecutive shut out innings, and leads the AL in strikeouts by almost forty. That's 40. And he pitches like a poem. Like a really dominant, kick-ass poem.

It was thrilling at the ballpark today. Exhilarating. The whole crowd was on its feet every time he got to two strikes on a batter, and yelling and jumping up and down when he inevitably got to three. By the late innings, the bullpen was applauding Santana. There were 30,000 stomping and screaming and acting utterly delirious with the wonder that is Supernatural.

Batgirl did a pre-game interview with Startribune.com (they were doing a feature on Santana-mania, and for some reason chose to talk to Batgirl) and they asked her, "Why do you think Johan-mania is sweeping the state?" Well, the Twins have never had Johan Santana before. In the past couple of decades, we've had great pitchers—Viola, Blyleven, Radke. We've had stars—Puckett, Winfield, Molitor. But Johan Santana is a superstar. He is a phenomenon. Our past Cy Young candidates have all been finesse pitchers, and there's something so Minnesotan about that; excuse me, I'm going to strike you out now, but I'm going to do it politely. Despite Johan's protestations, there is nothing polite about his pitching. He is utterly dominant. He outclasses everyone around him. He scares people. Suddenly we, the Minnesota Twins, have Pedro Martinez—except nice!

There was, apparently, another team at the Dome today. I guess it makes sense; I mean, somebody had to be there to have their collective ass kicked. I can't remember who it was; Tejada plays for them now, and so does that guy who has the erectile dysfunction problem. I think it's really great that he's been able to talk about it so publicly, especially for all the young boys who may grow up to have erectile problems of their own, and now they know it's something you can discuss quite publicly. Why just yesterday, Batgirl was at the game and there was an adorable tow-headed youngster in front of her. The gentleman next to Batgirl asked, "Rafael Palmeiro, isn't he in those Viagra commercials?" And the tow-headed lad turned around and said, helpfully, "Yes!"

The Twins batted, too, once in a while, though that was hardly necessary. Venezuelans were busting out all over, with Luis Rivas going yard in his first plate appearance (apparently, his big toenails have been holding him back this whole time) and Henry Blanco repeating the feat in the sixth. Michael Restovich put in a bid for honorary-Venezuelan status with a two-run dinger in the seventh.

Batgirl and the rest of the Victory '04 team were fairly disappointed to see Santana not come out in the ninth—after a guy strikes out the side in the eighth (did I mention that it was on ten pitches?) it would seem like he's got another inning or two in him. But it was appropriate that on Victory '04 rally day, our vice-presidential candidate should come on in the ninth to show his stuff. And appropriately, the game ended with a strikeout. Sit down, oh ye bitches. Sit down.