Twins at Yankees. Yankees 6, Twins 4.
The Scene: Batgirl's basement. Pictures of Minnesota Twins past line the walls, all framed and signed with elaborate, effusive messages to Batgirl. In one corner is a bar with the ingredients to Batgirl's special Happy Happy Fun Drink suspiciously lying out, and what looks like the passed out body of a giant mascot bear sprawled behind it. On one wall is a painting of a team portrait of the 2003 Division Champion Minnesota Twins' butts. A slightly ajar black door in the back of the basement reveals a concrete room with what looks like manacles on the wall. There is movement behind the door.
Batgirl sits in a circle in the middle of the basement with a group of men parked in folding chairs. The men all have their heads in their hands.
BG: Okay, guys, I think you know why I've called you here today.
A scream comes from the slightly ajar door. Batgirl coughs.
BG: Excuse me.
She gets up and shuts the door.
BG: Okay, anyway. Where was I?
Juan Rincon: Ms. Batgirl, you were saying that you think we know why you called us here.
BG: That's right, Juan. Does everyone know? Joa? Jesse? NoBalls? Real Deal? J.C.? Shaggy? And What's-Your-Name, the lefty that's not very good? Right, you. You know why you’re here?
Hey, guys, come to my house. I wanna talk to you a sec.
They all nod woefully.
BG: Good. I don't want to start from a negative place here. I don't think anyone needs that, do we?
They shake their heads. Jesse Crain looks around and slowly raises his hand.
BG: Jesse? You have something to say to the group?
Crain: Yes, Batgirl, um. You've got the whole bullpen here, but, um, where's Aaron?
BG: (coughing) Aaron?
Crain: Um, Aaron Fultz?
BG: Oh. Well, he'll be along in a few minutes. Don't worry about him. So, where do we want to begin. NoBalls?
Balfour: (Raising hand tentatively) Um, Batgirl, I'd actually prefer you didn't call me that. This might not have occurred to you, but it implies I have no testicles.
BG: I see. Well. Tell you what. Why don't you go out and get yourself a pair before the postseason, and then I'll stop calling you NoBalls.
Joe Roa: (Chuckles)
BG: (Turns around, glares at Roa) Do you have something to say, Blow-a? No? Gardy's been so desperate he used Fultzie in the ninth today. Did you notice who he didn't use?
Roa: Actually, I think I was gonna--
BG: SHUT UP! NO ONE CARES! (Pauses. Smiles.) Okay, now, I'd like you all to go around the room and tell me what's on your mind. Just, you know, whatever.
Another scream comes from the back room. Everyone jumps.
Crain: (Rather high-pitched) I'd really like to know where Fultzie is.
BG: (Glaring) Really, I don't think you would.
Crain: (Quickly) Okay.
BG: (Smiling again) NoBalls, why don't you start?
Balfour: Well, I guess today wasn't my best day.
BG: No, your best day was when you walked four batters in a row a couple months ago. Giving up a solo homer to Godzilla then putting two on with no out in the seventh and making Gardy bring in Juan, that was about average for you lately.
Juan: (Raising hand.) It's okay, Batgirl. I didn't mind. I got them out.
Batgirl: No, Juan, no, it's not okay. Because you're the only person we have who doesn't suck. Right? Right? And you can't pitch every game, can you? How did it go for you during the doubleheader?
Juan: Um…
Batgirl: That's right. Do you like coming on with runners on first and third in the seventh?
Juan: Well, I don't—
Batgirl: I don't think you do. I don't think you liked it at all. I think if you liked it, the Yankees wouldn't have scored four runs that inning.
Juan: I'm scared.
Batgirl: Well, you better be scared. All of you better be scared. Because we're not pussyfooting around anymore. This aint four square, boys, and we sure aren't having a tea party. It was all cute during the sucking-time when you guys couldn't get it together, but then you were fantastic, do you remember that? Wasn't that fun? Wasn't it fun to be fantastic? Hey, JC, you remember when you didn't suck?
JC: (Small voice) Yes.
BG: And you know how you suck now?
JC: Yes.
BG: Which was more fun?
JC: The not-sucking.
BG: That's right. That's right, gentlemen. The not-sucking. The not-sucking is more fun. And fun is good. We like fun. Fun is dancing around your clubhouse drenched in champagne and smacking other men on the ass. That's fun. Do you know what's not fun? ...Do you? Not fun is watching the other team turn you over on their knee and spank you in the late innings. That's not fun. Is it?
JC: (Weakly) No.
BG: Do you know what else isn't fun? JC, you were there when the Yankees beat us last year. And the Angels the year before. You watched them celebrate in front of your face. And how was that?
JC: Not fun.
Batgirl: Exactly. Exactly. Not fun. And that's what you guys are. A whole mess of not fun.
Joe Nathan: Hey, Batgirl? Why I am here?
Batgirl: God, I don't know. Go out, buy yourself something nice. Here's a 20!
Joe Nathan: Thanks, Batgirl. You're the best.
BG: Sure thing, Joe! Love ya! Anyway, where was I?
Crain: (Quietly) Batgirl, um, I think I've actually done a pretty good job lately.
BG: I don't care, rookie. Your facial hair makes you look like an idiot. Shut up and listen to me. Now, you guys, Batgirl wants this. She wants this bad. She wants the ring. And in order for Batgirl to get that ring, she's going to need you to step up. And that means you, NoBalls. And you, JC. Oh, not you, Whats-Your-Name, you won't be here. But the rest of you, that means you've got to pitch solid innings and let poor BooBerry here do his job, which is to come in in the eighth and make everyone sit down. BooBerry can't take another game like Wednesday. He's very psychologically fragile.
Juan: No, Batgirl, I'm fine, really—
BG: SHUT UP! You'll be fine when I tell you you're fine.
The black door in the back opens. Aaron Fultz comes tumbling out of the room. He looks a little worse for wear. Batgirl's beloved sister-in-law, Sooz, comes out dressed entirely in black leather.
Sooz: Hey, JC? Can I talk to you for a minute?
JC looks at Batgirl. Batgirl raises her eyebrow. JC slumps in his chair.
JC: (Meekly) Yes.
He gets up and heads into the room with the black door. Sooz follows, and shuts the door behind her.
BG: Okay, guys, so what we are we going to do?
The pitchers look at each other helplessly.
BG: NoBalls? What are we going to do.
Balfour: Not suck?
BG: That's right. We're not going to suck. We're going to do really well these next three games. We're going to show poor Gardy that his faith in us is deserved. We're going to get our heads out of our collective heinies and be the pitchers we can be. And we're going to go into the postseason, and we're going to continue to not suck all the way to the World Series. You hear me?
All: Yes Batgirl.
BG: Louder!
All: Yes, Batgirl!
BG: Okay, good. Now, somebody help me wake up TC Bear.