Cleveland at Twins. Twins 4, Cleveland 3.

Dear Terry Mulholland,
I know you're wayyyyyyyyyy old, and Batgirl's not really into older guys, especially ones with country & western 'staches (and speaking of that, Sooz thinks you should look into Just for Men. You should listen to Sooz. Trust me.) but if she were into older guys with country western 'staches who bear a strange resemblance to Billy Bob Thornton and are into weird-ass diets, she would be totally into you. This game against Cleveland had hardly the same stakes as the one you and Cordel won against them back in August which so nicely broke their little spirits, but Batgirl still really wanted to win. It's not that she's all worked up about home field advantage, but if given a choice between spending Tuesday night hiding under the couch with her hands over her eyes watching the Twins open at Yankee Stadium and spending Tuesday at the Metrodome with 50,000 rabid Twins fans screaming for every Johan K, she'll take the latter. Sue me.

Anyway, there've been a couple times when Batgirl's been really mad at you, like, say, that one jillion-inning Oakland game when you ruined Batgirl's life, but on balance, that dollar spent for you was totally worth it. Guys like you, Silva, and Blanco have constituted the secret surprise bonus Twins ingredients that have made this delicious postseason possible (well, of course, the Bitch Sox collapsed so hard, we might have been fine at about .508 but still.) Three runs over seven innings to protect a neurotic, drooling bullpen and give the Twins a chance to, for the love of god, win a #@$! game, makes Batgirl feel, frankly, quite amorous. And she'd like to say if we need a fourth starter in the playoffs, or if Batgirl needs a father figure, we should look right into your sweet post Civil-War daguerrotype-esque face.

Yours truly,
Batgirl

Dear Lew Ford,
I see you've cured that horrible rash on your chin. This makes Batgirl very happy. Rashes are no fun to have at all! It must be hard to hit and catch the ball and stuff when all the time you're thinking, "My face is dry and itchy!" Sometimes Batgirl gets a rash on her cheeks during the dry months, and she uses Lubriderm and a moisturizer that comes in a little roll-on that Jeb likes to call "face deodorant." Did you get face deodorant or did you find something else to use? Please let Batgirl know, because winter is coming, and, as you know, that's facial rash season!

Gratefully,
Batgirl

p.s. Hey, that hit and run in the 8th was totally awesome. When you run, you look like a little choo-choo, and it makes Batgirl giggle. Choo! Choo!

Dear Joe Nathan,

Batgirl is really looking forward to the vice-presidential debate on Tuesday. You will be making your stand from a remote location, but she has no doubt you'll win.

Enthusiastically,
Batgirl

Dear Aaron Fultz,

I saw you putting on your shoes in the bullpen today as if you were starting to warm up. Given your encounter yesterday, I just want to say I'm glad you're feeling up to, you know, movement. Sooz can be pretty rough! Anyway, I was just wondering what your plans were for October? Maybe you have some yard work to do? Let me know!

Curiously,
Batgirl

Dear Justin Morneau,

Hey, you know how you come up with the bases loaded and no outs in the eighth inning with the Twins down by one run? Yeah. That's a pretty good spot for a clean-up hitter, isn't it? I mean, if there's anyone you want to come up in that situation, it's your clean-up hitter, right? And, hey, you're our clean-up hitter! So, you know how you struck out on three pitches? Next time, don't do that, okay? It's not like you're some fresh faced kid from AAA who can't grow a goatee or something.

Fondly,
Batgirl

p.s. Nice glovework, though, cutey-pie.

Dear Jason Kubel,

Sometimes, you come up to bat, and Batgirl thinks you're Dennis Hocking. And then you hit the ball and Batgirl remembers who you are.

Fondly,
Batgirl

Dear Jesse Crain,

Okay, actually your facial hair doesn't make you look like an idiot. Batgirl shouldn't have said that. She was just a little…on edge yesterday. You understand. You can't have liked watching the bullpen destroy the last remnant of Batgirl's youth any more than Batgirl. The thing is, if you keep pitching like this, you can have any kind of facial hair you want. Even that little thing you have on your lower lip. Really.

Sincerely,
Batgirl

Dear Corey Koskie,

Smooooooooooch.

Love,
Batgirl

p.s. You know how you beat up that chair in Cleveland? Thanks for doing that.

Posted by Batgirl at October 1, 2004 11:07 PM