That's right, ladies and gentlemen, we're playing for keeps now. It's the playoffs, and it is the job of pundits like Batgirl to analyze the two teams side-by-side. Batgirl has laid out for you a position-by-position analysis of the two teams and how they match up...in hotness! It's time for:

FIRST BASE:

Justin Morneau	John Olerud

This was supposed to be Mientkiewicz v. Giambi, and that choice would have been pretty clear. Sticky or no, Dougie's milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, while the clean-shaven Giambi looks like a kewpie doll. A really, really big kewpie doll. But then Canada invaded Minnesota and parasites invaded Giambi's intestines, and now we have the 23 year old Morneau versus the 36 year old Olerud. The first is probably handsome if you're 18 and facial expressions aren't important to you, the second is cute in the I'm-13-and-I-have-a-crush-on-my-history-teacher kind of way, but for the over-20 set we'll be looking towards Boston.

Advantage: Draw

SECOND BASE:

Michael Cuddyer	Miguel Cairo

This one might have been a draw, with both players working the sexy Venezuelan thing—though maybe Cairo would have had a slight edge since he has toenails. But Rivas is benched with a bum arm and Cuddy's only gotten hotter as his defense has gotten better, plus his bat looks awfully sexy in the line-up.

Advantage: Twins


SHORTSTOP:

Cristian Guzman	Derek Jeter

It's so hard, because Derek Jeter is the face of the forces of darkness, and yet it's such a nice face. I mean, if Darth Vader had looked like Jeter, we'd all be using the dark side of the force right now. It would all be more palatable if he weren't paling around with models and celebrities, but he also doesn't have a little patch of lichen sticking out of his chin.

Advantage: Yankees


THIRD BASE:

Corey Koskie	Alex Rodriguez

If the whole thing were about who I'd want to spend my days with, Koskie would win by a mile. Why, Batgirl might call and ask him to dinner right now. They could talk about hockey and Canada and putting peanut butter in David Ortiz's undies and it would be a grand old time. At the end, Batgirl would give him a big hug—but she'd squeeze a little too hard by accident and then he'd have to get a vertebrae replaced. Don't get me wrong, Koskie's late season homer surge was hot, hot, hot, but, you know, comparing A-Rod to Koskos is kind of like comparing Michelangelo's David to a guy made out of pipecleaners. Which, in this case, he really is.

Advantage: Yankees.


RIGHT FIELD:

Jacque Jones	Gary Sheffield

Okay, Sheff, I mean, you might be the MVP and all, and you sure crushed the heck out of the Twins when you played us in August, plus you're totally handsome and Batgirl likes your smile—but it just can't stand up to Jones's. I mean, that's the thing about Jacque, not only is he superhot, but you could take him home to your mom and he'd smile his sweet smile and your mom would say, "Oh, I'm in love!" And you'd say, "Me too, Mom." And she'd say, "Plus, he's super hot. I sure wish he didn't swing at every pitch." And you'd say, "I know, Mom. I know."

Advantage: Twins.


CENTER FIELD:

Torii Hunter	Bernie Williams

Batgirl and the Bernster go way back, and she's got nothing but respect for him. I mean the guy was with the Yankees back when Batgirl was drumming with The Time. Batgirl loves you, Bernie, she does, and she's got your on right now (Damn, that's smooth!) but, you know, even Jeter looks like ass compared to Sweetcheeks. When ten out of ten female Batlings can identify a butt, well, that's one fine butt.

Advantage: Twins


LEFT FIELD:

Shannon Stewart	Hideki Matsui

This is a tough one. Both players seem to enjoy letting their talent do the talking, like that helps us at all. In the looks department, both are overshadowed by their compatriots; Stewie by the guy playing to his left, and Matsui by Japan's other superstar in the MLB, one Ichiro "Hot Pants" Suzuki. But there's no arguing that there's appeal in the walk-softly-carry-a-big-stick-and-have-a-nice-bod approach; gals like a quiet dignity, especially when it comes with a nice bottom. And as Sooz says so frequently, Stewie's butt is ripe.

Advantage=Twins


CATCHER:

Henry Blanco	Jorge Posada

He looks a little bit like a turtle, but there's something about Jorge Posada that Batgirl just can't resist. Maybe it's just because she has a thing for catchers, or else it's because she has a thing for turtles. Or else it's just because Blanco seems like he's been in one too many bar fights, and Batgirl's scared that one day she might accidentally call him "Mango Face."

Advantage=Yankees


DH:

Lew Ford	Ruben Sierra

Ford=Cute? Yes. Hot? No. Sierra=Cute? Not really. Hot=Muey!

Advantage=Yankees


GAME ONE PITCHER

Johan Santana	Mike Mussina

Hi, Johan. How're you doing? Me? Oh, I'm really good actually, now that you're here. I look flush? Really? Well, it is warm, isn’t it? All of a sudden? What's that? You say there's someone standing next to you? A star pitcher for the Yankees? Well, I just can't see him, Johan. I just can't see anyone but you.

Game, set, match=Twins

Posted by Batgirl at October 5, 2004 01:20 AM