ALDS GAME 1: Twins at New York. Twins 2, Yankees 0.

Heh.
Heh heh heh.
Heh!

And that, my friends, was all according to plan. The Twins scratched out a run, Johan pitched seven, Boo Berry took the eighth and Chocula the ninth. Ba-bing-ba-bam-ba-boom. Game, set, match. Sit down, bitch.

Easy, right?

Okay, not easy. Not so much. I mean we're just not used to seeing Johan give up base hits. I mean, this is Johan. Santana. Not, like, Johan Smith or Johan Lieber. Johan Santana doesn't leave the ball up. He puts the ball exactly where he wants it. Ball goes toward batter, batter swings, ball lands in catcher's glove. Hitter shakes his head, then makes sad face, then goes to sit back down on the bench. Batgirl cheers and yells and shakes her fist and feels altogether at peace about the world.

There was no peace tonight. There were leadoff basehits and there was Hideki Matsui and every time you looked Gary Sheffield was coming up to bat, and I mean, is that fair? Is that really fair? Every inning, there were Yankees on base, and they're not supposed to be on base, I mean, what are they doing on base? GET OFF THE BASES! I mean, no, no, not like that. Not like a homer or something, that would be really bad and I know you could hit a homer at any moment, which is why I currently have my hands pressed over my eyes, because if you did hit a homer, I would be very sad. I don't want to be sad, I want to be happy. I want to dance around and sing and watch Jacque Jones hit a homerun.

Oh, how beautiful that was. Jones wasn't even supposed to start today, they were going to start Kubel, which seemed to be a fine idea because Jones + Mussina usually equals Jones on bench. Hello, bench, my old friend. I've come to sit on you again. Because a fastball softly si-nking, has left my eyes rapidly bli-nking; And the whiffing that echoes in my brain still remains. With the sound of strikeouts….

But, oh, Jones took that Moose pitch and rode it all the way to the leftfield porch, and then he danced and sang all around the basepaths while Batgirl danced and sang too, and Jacque Jones pointed up to the heavens where his father lives now and Batgirl pointed up, too, and said, that one's for you, Papa Jones. You got a good kid.

From twins.mlb.com.

Would two runs be enough? I mean, usually, you don't need any runs when Johan's starting for you; the other team just concedes and then everyone can go home and play intramural cribbage and snuggle their kitties. But Johan wasn't supernatural, and did I mention they have Hideki Matsui? With each subsequent inning and each leadoff baserunner, Batgirl lost a little more off her life until she actually began to regress in age, and is now about 14. But she doesn't feel a day over 80.

The thing is, though, I don't know if you know this about the Twins, but those crazy kids sure know how to catch the ball. Like that Torii Hunter guy, I mean, he's pretty good; have you noticed? And when Jorge Posada tried to run on John Olerud's fly ball to center, Batgirl just stared at him dumbly. As just sort of a public service, she would have liked to stop the action and swoop down to the field and say, "Excuse me, Mr. Posada, but that's Torii Hunter you're running on! I wouldn't do that if I were you." And Mr. Posada would say, "It is? Holy crap! I better get back to third!" And Batgirl would say, "I think that's for the best." And Mr. Posada would say, "Thanks, Batgirl. That would have been embarrassing."

I must warn Posada! It's just too pathetic...

But Batgirl couldn't act, she could only watch as Turtle-Face made his way toward certain doom. "God speed, Turtle-Face," she whispered as Blanco applied the tag. And then she danced around and sang a song, which went something like this:

Toriiiii, Torii Hunter!
King of the Wild Frontier!
He catches the ball and throws it, too
Running on him is a big boo boo!
To do it your head must be full of doo-doo?
Now go to your mom and cry, "Boo-Hoo!"

And the thing is, Johan Santana without his best stuff, well, the dude can pitch. Base hits? Fine, you get your base hits, it'll just hurt ALL THE MORE when I make you hit into a double play! Like this, here, now! How do you like that? See, I got these guys behind me, Guzie and Cuddy and that weird Canadian, too, and they know how to flash their leather. You should try it. It comes in handy sometimes. Oh, look, there's another one! Feel bad? Huh?

Johan went through seven shut-out innings this way, which is all we can ever ask from him, and then Boo Berry and Count Chocula did exactly what they were supposed to do. (A fine performance by our VP candidate on debate night.) And by the end of the ninth inning, Batgirl had taken her hands off her eyes just in time to see the last out fly right into Jacque Jones's hand, just where it belonged.

Life is good.

N.B.: By sitting in a bar with like minded Batlings whose cheers tended to drown out the commentary, Batgirl was saved the agony of listening to Joe "Guy Smiley" Buck and the other Fox dude mispronounce Twins names and generally infuriate Batgirl. She could not, however, escape the indignity of having the animated ball Ass-Face telling us what a change-up was. Hey, Ass-Face? Why don't you come over here? I want to show you something. A little closer! A little closer…