Toronto at Twins. Twins 4, Blue Jays 0.

In the past couple of weeks, really ever since the glory that was Cupcake Day, the Twins have been looking very much like a team that can actually convert with the bases loaded. This has been quite an adjustment for Twins fans everywhere, given that in previous weeks, well…let's just say it didn't go so well. Still, we fans can't help but feel a tremendous anxiety every time the bases are juiced—perhaps it's even worse now knowing that, when someone comes up with three on, there's a chance we might score; as opposed to before when we knew they were going to fail spectacularly and yet couldn't seem to turn our eyes away from the horror (the horror). We'd expelled the demons, yes, but demons have a way of coming back and biting you on the ass.

So, in the third inning today, when the score was tied at zero and Juan Castro, Luis Rivas, and Luke Fordwalker graced the bases, one could not help but be a little nervous. It was kind of cute, because you could feel the Blue Jays getting worried, I mean the bases were loaded and our 4 and 5 hitters were coming up; they had no idea we were all far more terrified than they.

Well, as goes the way of these things, those 4 and 5 hitters completely forgot everything Batgirl had taught them and began to swing wildly at the ball, and oh, the demons came back then. They came back and opened their jaws as widely as they could and, with a mighty chomp, sunk their teeth deep into the buttocks of Justin Morneau and Torii Hunter, respectively. End of threat.

In fact, those pesky demons had gotten their fangs so deeply into the lush, muscular butt cheeks of hitters 4 and 5, respectively, that they suffered serious jaw cramps and could not release themselves from said butt cheeks after the striking out was over, and so for the rest of the game Justin and Torii had to walk around with demons attached to their asses. Whenever they weren't in the field, they were being worked on by a frantic training staff (Though really, Batgirl thinks this is a problem Twins' trainers should know a thing or two about by now.) who poked, pulled, and prodded at the demons, to no avail. Whenever Morneau and Hunter took the field, the demons would sort of sway back and forth behind them, their little ass-demon legs dangling in the air.

You'd think the whole affair would be a lesson to demonkind—I mean, think of the TMJ! But demons are persistent little buggers, and when the Twins once again had the bases loaded in the sixth inning, a few more began to swarm around the batter's box. The game was still tied at zed—Joe Mays and Gusatvo Chachin making like staff aces, and this time, the Twins had nobody out. (Again, scary if you're the opposing team, much, much scarier if you're us because it's that much worse when you don't convert with bases loaded and no outs. Trust us. We know.)

Well, Michael Cuddyer came to the plate, and he scanned the scene in front of him. The runners on second and third had demons attached to their asses and the runner on first was Matthew LeCroy, and it all looked quite dire.

"It's up to me," he said. "Oh, and nothing is anywhere either present or absent."

To the everyday viewer, it seemed that Michael Cuddyer proceeded to have an incredible at bat, one where he fouled off pitch after pitch after pitch after pitch until he found one he could drive, but the truth is he was just wiggling around a lot trying to keep the damn demons from biting his ass. Nonetheless, it proved effective—Cuddyer proceeded to have a thirteen pitch AB, fouling off pitches 3-6 and 8-12 until he finally laced a double to left scoring hitters 4 and 5. One Naked Batting Practice single later and the Twins were ahead 4-0, and the demons lost interest in our boys.

Meanwhile, Joe Mays, who in recent games had managed to pitch fairly well in the early innings and then have some kind of apocalyptic nuclear meltdown on the mound as the games wore on, somehow kept getting guys out. It looked like there might be some trouble in the 7th when two Blue Jays singled with one out, but a quick DP later, and all was well. Then, since he'd only had about 34 pitches in the game, Mays came out in the 8th, gave up two singles and got out of the inning again, and in the 9th he strode out and pitched himself into a complete game shutout.

When asked what had changed this time around, he said, "Well, you know, I usually get so stressed out out there as the game goes on. I feel myself getting tired and I start pressing. And when guys get on I worry too much and it gets in my head and I start making mistakes. But today every time I went out on the mound, I'd look around me and there'd be demons dangling from guys' asses. It's pretty hard to take yourself too seriously when two of the guys behind you have demons hanging from their ass."

He laughed and shook his head. "Now I know what the secret is. Got to put a demon on a guy's ass every time!"

At which point tomorrow's starter, Carlos Silva, looked up, thought for a moment and then called, "Hey, Lew, come over here, will ya? I want to show you something."