RD wishes he could explain all of what happened Tuesday night when the Twins began their 12-game journey into the weirdness of the National League West. But, alas, some things are escaping him at this hour -- it's 12:02 a.m. right now -- and he can only hope that the morning papers (remember those?) clarify some of the action. RD needed help and didn't get it, and it's getting a bit in the way of the props he should be extending to Torii Hunter.

Of course, those props were best expressed in a fit of nonsexual man-love by Bert when he fairly squealed, upon the occasion of the center fielder's second home run: "WOW, IS TORII HOT!"

That was HOT with a !, not with a ? No doubt. So what if Bert Yoda'd the sentence a little bit. We knew meant he what.

Alas, there were other times when we had no clue. RD was in the RDmobile during the first inning and here's what he learned: Arizona's starting pitcher stole a base in some recent game and they had a party at his house afterward. Gordo doesn't think every team should have a player on the All-Star team. Dazzle knows that Pudge Rodriguez is going to be the AL's all-star catcher. It was cool in Arizona during the day, in the mid-90s. The Twins should have a lot of pitchers on the AL All-Star team.

Meanwhile, the Twins were falling behind 4-0 and, I guess if you listened real close, you got some hints that things were once again amiss in Radkeville. He was getting knocked around the ballpark -- from pillar to post, so to speak -- and the radio boys were chattering idly as if there were waiting for Herb to get the steaks from the Matchlight Charcoal-fired grill to their Cambria countertop. Grrrrrrrrrr.

Does this bother anyone else? I mean, some games go on and on and on, and such chatter is needed to fill the gaps when the manager visits the mound or Kevin Brown is looking (and looking and looking) a runner back to first base. But in the first inning? Stop it!

The TV wasn't much better, although this wasn't the fault of your announcers. I guess someone was miffed at Dick and made him describe ShannaramaStewart's sac-fly without the benefit of the cameras following the throw home. Then, for good measure, when Torii stole second in the 9th and set up the winning run, we had no clue what was happening until his funny little (because he got away with it) stumblebum routine on the back side of the base. At least Dick and Bert -- or "Dick'n'Bert" as Marney and Clay insist on calling them -- were watching the game and giving us audio clues worthy of ... worthy of ... a couple of radio guys.

Here's what really bites. RD got so distracted by being distracted that he's currently failing to write about Torii, who is HOT. Instead of singing his praises, RD is pretending to be Gwen Stefani and shouting "IT'S BANANAS. B-A-N-A-N-A-S" at his monitor. Torii: 5 times up, 4 runs, 4 hits, 2 solo homers, 1 double, 1 single, 1 winning-run scored, 1 postgame radio interview when they asked him about THE SWIMMING POOL beyond the center field wall instead of making him describe his offensive night in loving detail.

An aside: Bless Torii during that interview for putting in a plug for Tony Clark, the mammoth Arizona reserve who hit the mammoth 3-run homer in the 8th that tied the score at a mammoth 8-8. It was his third pinch homer of the season and Clark is batting something like .999 as a pinch hitter. "He's a good guy to have," Torii told Gordo and Dazzle. "Maybe for us to have one day."

(Deep breath.)

RD's feeling a bit better for having turned on the vents. RD is also feeling some pity for those who had to listen to the radio for all 9 innings and 17 runs and 83 batters and 9 pitchers. Listening to the postgame highlights -- specifically the highlight of the DJ Cuddy Boom home run -- RD heard Gordo call him "LeCroy" right before the pitch, just as Gladden was saying, "It's easier for a parent..." Huh?

Crack, bang, homer! Whatever.

It's Santana tonight, boys. Watch the game, OK? Thanks in advance.

In the meantime, Batlings, pretend you're a radio announcer and use the comment space to tell us what YOU would have said about Torii. Or whatever.

RD, out.