Twins at Kansas City. Weekend Round-Up.
Friday. Twins 5, Royals 4.
Saturday. Royals 12, Twins 8.
Sunday, Twins 3, Royals 2 (12 innings).

THEORY #1: Once upon a time, God ruled heaven with the beautiful angel Lucifer at his side. But Lucifer suffered from the sin of pride and soon he gathered a group of angels to try to overthrow God. It did not go well, and Lucifer and his minions were cast out of heaven. The fallen angels then constructed Yankee Stadium from where they plotted their evil revenge—they would get back at God by tempting his most treasured creation—baseball-player-kind—to play like ass-crap. Despite his omnipotence, God let the demons battle for the souls of ballplayers everywhere—for he had given both players and angels free will. It was their choice whether to follow the path of good or the path of sucking. It couldn't be helped.

Oops.

THEORY #2: Once upon a time, the great god Zeus ordered the Hephaestus the craftsman to make the world's first woman. Hepaestus made Pandora, a lovely creation in the image of Aphrodite. The other gods gave Pandora gifts—Athena granted her life and a fab wardrobe, Aphrodite a beautiful smile and some bling, and Zeus gave her curiosity and a strange sealed jar which he warned her never to open. Then Zeus sent her down to earth to live among baseball players. Unable to control said curiosity, Pandora opened the jar and out swarmed terrible beasts named E-4, KL, GIDPwRISP, and Frank Thomas. As a curse from Zeus to humanity, poor Pandora had let out all the world's sucking. In penance, she spent the rest of her days as a Cubs fan.

Oops.

THEORY #3: Once upon a time, Tezcatlipoca ruled the earth. As you would expect from the god of evil, night, and sorcerers, Tezcatlipoca got his jollies leading baseball players down the path of sucking. The rest of the gods—especially Quetzalcoatl, the god of benevolence—were not happy with Tezcatlipoca's rule and so they created a race of giants to destroy him. The giants, though, were out for the whole season with a knee injury, so Quetzalcoatl had to do it himself, and he struck the evil god into the waters with a staff. But Tezcatlipoca turned himself into a tiger and pulled his enemy to earth, causing a great hurricane which destroyed most of the world. The humans that survived were turned into ignorant monkeys, who then disguised themselves as relief pitchers and snuck into the bullpen for Saturday's game.

Oops.

WHAT I AM trying to show, here, is that sucking is something humankind has been trying to understand since its very beginnings. Every system of mythology and faith has an explanation for the origins of sucking, a tale for mothers to tell their wide-eyed children when they ask, "Mommy, why must we lose to the Royals?"

In other words, it's been a hard few days. After the irrational exuberance caused by the sweep of the freakin' Devil Rays, Twins fans could hope that we had gotten the sucking behind us. We were quickly proven wrong in a week when Ervin Santana won and Johan Santana lost. The Star Tribune called two games on two distinct nights the Twins' worst loss of the season, and they were right both times. Batgirl is tense, the Batkitties are at each other's throats, and even the most even-keeled of Twins bloggers are getting a little crabby. Or a lot. Yes, we came out of this Weekend Round-Up ahead, but it was not pretty, and Batgirl has to spend the All-star Break getting her eyes reattached. You'd think she'd have learned to stop gouging them out during the 2002 ALDS, but some lessons just don't take.

The point is, the Twins played .500 ball this week, we played to a split with the Kansas City Royals, and unlike Mr. Cranky Pants BG believes we're better than that. This is the third All-Star Break in a row where BG's gone in believing the team is better than its recent play. The two previous years, she was right. And this year?

A lot needs to happen for our boys to contend for the division title. The hitters need to take some pressure of the pitchers by, well, hitting. The pitchers need to remember that they're good at baseball. The infield needs to mind their p's and q's and stay the heck away from El Monstruo.

As for the Bitch Sox, well, let's not worry about them. They've been playing incredible baseball and if they keep this up they're going to do something historic. All BG asks is that we give them a run for their money, if they falter, that we're there to catch them, and that Justin Morneau start hitting homers again. Is that so much to ask, really?

It's time for us all to have a few days off, to look at where we've gone and where we're going, to find ways to be a little more Quetzalcoatl and less Tezcatlipoca.

In closing, BG would like to present her Keys to the Second Half:

STOP SUCKING!

And that concludes Batgirl's KEYS TO THE SECOND HALF! Okay, boys. Go home. Get some rest. And when you come back, let's play ball.