Twins at Chicago. Twins 4, Bitch Sox 2.

Dear Burger King,

There is nothing appetizing at all about chicken fries. Meat in stick form is never a good idea, nor is confabulating food groups. What is next, whopper pie? Gross.

Make it stop,
Batgirl

Dear Lee Iacocca,

Your ads are stupid. Please take them off the air before I hurt someone.

No longer responsible for my own actions,
Batgirl

Dear Little Nicky Punto,

Um, you were the hottest thing tonight and if Batgirl were two feet tall, she'd be all over you. Those stolen bases! That leather you flashed! Those hits! Someday, you'll be BIG like the other boys!

Enthusiastically,
Batgirl

Dear Lew Fordwalker,

You are the B.O.D. tonight even though everyone's going to say we should give it to LNP, but they don't make the rules. Batgirl makes the rules. You know about rules. Like the one where the run scores even if after you slide into home you tumble into the ump and your batting helmet falls over your face and you look like a dork. A run's a run. And a great throw is still a great throw, no matter that your arms do big windmills after making it and you kind of flail around center field like an epileptic wookiee. No one was watching. Really.

Smiling brightly,
Batgirl

Dear Dr. Morneau,

You've been playing very good baseball lately and have been displaying some real smarts but that doesn't excuse the facial hair.

Seriously,
Batgirl

Dear Cuddles McDimply,

You know how you weren't very good at third base before? You're a lot better now, and that save in the ninth was positively Koskie-esque. But, well, see above.

Don’t make me come over there,
Batgirl

Dear Juan Rincon,

Ay caramba.

Breathing heavily,
Batgirl

Dear Twins Defense,

Earlier in the year you really blew major chunks, but I dare say that with a little perseverance, hard work, and a little faith, we may just regain the moral high ground yet.

Optimistically,
Batgirl

Dear Twins Offense,

You're playing .750 ball when you score four or more runs. That strikes Batgirl as pretty awesome. I bet most teams don't have that kind of record with four or more runs. That must mean our pitching staff is pretty darned good. Maybe you guys should be good, too! That would be fun.

Thoughtfully,
Batgirl

Dear Paul Konerko,

You kiss you mother with that mouth?

Have a chicken fry,
Batgirl

Dear AJ Pierzynski,

You know how when you pop up and you get really frustrated so you sort of twirl the bat and slam it down at the same time?

I've missed that.

Wistfully,
Batgirl

Dear Minnesota Twins,

Now that we're in third place, we have to look to the little joys to get us through the rest of the season—like the whiskers of a kitten, the laughter of a child, the sweet smell of a September call-up—and of course, beating the Bitch Sox. Thanks, guys for remembering the little things.

Because little things mean a lot,
Batgirl