Twins at Kansas City. Royals 1, Twins 0
"Look at this," Justin Morneau said as he stood in the visitor's clubhouse of Kauffman. "Corey sent me a present." Beaming, he pointed to a brightly wrapped package sitting in his locker.
"Really?" said Terry Tiffee. "Cool!"
"Yeah," said Morneau. "I miss Corey."
Both the players sighed heavily.
"Well," said Terry, after a respectful pause, "aren't you going to open it?"
"Yeah," said Morneau, stroking the package wistfully. "I just want to make the moment last, you know?"
"Yeah," sighed Tiffee.
After a few moments, Morneau did open the package—carefully, so as to preserve the maple leaf wrap—and found nestled in a box a long thin piece of wood. Next to it was a small note reading simply, "Eleven and a quarter inches, maple and unicorn hair. Quite whippy."
"What in the world?" muttered Morneau.
"Why," exclaimed Tiffee. "He sent you a magic wand!"
"Huh?"
"A magic wand from Ollivanders! You know? Harry Potter?"
Morneau shook his head.
"The books? Haven't you read them?"
"Read?" Morneau blinked uncomprehendingly.
From the corner of the clubhouse, J.C. Romero perked up. "Did someone say read?"
Excited, Tiffee motioned him over. "Look, Corey sent Dr. Morneau a wand from Ollivanders!"
"Wow," said J.C. "Can I try?"
"Uh, sure," said Justin.
Carefully, Romero lifted the wand from its box. "Wow," he said. "Eleven and a quarter inches. Maple and unicorn hair. Quite whippy."
"Do you think it works," whispered Tiffee, eyes wide.
"I don't know," said Romero. "Let's try." Drawing himself up, J.C. pointed the wand over to the other end of the clubhouse, where Lew Ford was standing. Levicorpus! he murmured, with a practiced flick of the wrist.
Before their eyes, Lew Ford went up up up into the air and turned over, hanging there as if he had been hung by an invisible hook. "Hey!" Ford squeaked, as the whole clubhouse burst out laughing.
"You mean that thing works?" asked Morneau incredibly.
"Looks like," said Tiffee.
"You think," muttered Romero, "we could use this to help? Maybe, you know, fix the bats?"
"Gimme that," said Morneau, body checking Tiffee out of the way and grabbing the wand from Romero's hand. Holding the wand out in front of him, he shouted, "BRING ME THE BATS!"
Romero sighed heavily. "That's not how it works," he said. "Let me try." Clearing his throat, he held out his wand and proclaimed, Accio bats!
As the players watched, a whole bat rack worth of bats flew into the room, several hitting the floating Lew Ford on the head as they went by. With a loud crash, the bats fell into the middle of the floor. As all the players gathered, J.C. pointed the wand at the bats and called, Assius Removus!
A green gas began to emanate from the bat pile, and suddenly the clubhouse was filled with a noxious fume, but as the players started gagging, J.C. waved the wand around some more and the gas dissipated.
"There," he said smiling. "That should do it!"
Three hours later, the Twins filed into the clubhouse dejectedly, having managed exactly no runs on thirteen hits, which is pretty magical in and of itself. As they went silently to their lockers, Jacque Jones saw the wand lying on a bench.
"What's this?" he said, picking it up.
"Oh," said Romero, passing by, "We tried to use it to enchant the bats, but I guess it didn't work."
"Damn skippy!" said Jones. "What, did you Imperius me, too, to hit into all those DP's?"
"No," shouted Kyle Lohse, from the across the room, "you did that on your own."
"Oh," Jones cleared his throat. "Anyway, where did you get this wand?"
"Koskie sent it to Morneau."
"Koskie?!" Jones exclaimed. Shaking his head and cursing, he flicked the wand about a bit. "Do you know what this wand's made of?"
Romero and Tiffee exchanged a glance. "Unicorn?"
"It just feels like unicorn, you moron, but this wand is clearly made of ass. You just put more ass in those bats."
Over in his corner, Lohse shook his head. "Not possible," he muttered darkly.
"Oh," said Romero, staring dumbly at the wand. "Well, shit."
"Um," said Lew Ford, still dangling in the corner and rather red in the face, "Can you let me down now?…Guys?…Guys?"