Kansas City at Twins. Twins 3, Royals 1.

Perhaps I had a wicked childhood
Perhaps I had a miserable youth
But somewhere in my wicked, miserable past
There must have been a moment of truth

For here you are, standing there, pitching for me
Whether or not you should
So somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good

Nothing comes from nothing
Nothing ever could
So somewhere in my youth or childhood
I must have done something good.
--Maria Von Trapp
"Something Good"
The Sound of Music

I don't deserve him, and I know that. Every night when I go to sleep I wonder how I got to be so very lucky. There are so many girls out there who are lonely, who are going to bars and searching personal ads and using internet dating services, who spend their evenings desperately trying to meet that special someone because their pitching staffs don't have someone who is so brutally hot. There's no reason I've been so blessed—all I can do is shake my head in wonder that he is mine.

You know, though, who I feel really bad for? Not the ones who are still questing endlessly and tirelessly for their sweet baboo, but the ones who have settled, who have committed their lives and their hearts to some lesser pitching ace and have to deal with the feeling of terrible emptiness inside them when they gaze into his eyes and realize he is not Johan Santana.

Is your pitcher leading the majors in strikeouts? Is your pitcher tied for the ERA lead in the AL? Does your pitcher inspire terror in every opponent's heart? Does your pitcher wiggle his butt in that incredibly cute way before some pitches? I thought not.

(I don't know why Johan does that butt wiggle, but I think every pitcher should start doing it, because it could possibly be the source of all his power. I think when the Twins take BP the pitchers should be out taking BWP, or butt wiggling practice. I think Johan should stand in front of them all and lead them all in butt wiggling, first a slow motion demonstration, then he helps them all get the feeling for the butt wiggle by putting his hands on each pitcher's hip, one by one and moving them around slowly in a circle, round and round—wax on, wax off, wax on, wax off--Ah, yes, Mr. Vice President, you have it now! Then all together the pitchers stand and practice their Johan Santana Butt Wiggling with Johan himself studying each butt carefully and shouting helpful tips—right, left, right, left, come on Brad, let's put your hips into it! Crain you look like BatKitty #2! you're not having seizures there, Baker! stop doing the robot Boo! Come on, boys, imagine you are a beautiful woman putting on a red silk sheath dress and it—oopsie!—catches a little on your hips and you must wiggle, wiggle, wiggle your butt to inch it down. Here, let me show you!)

Oh, sorry.

The point is, I don’t even want to imagine what this season would have been like without Johan, but at the darkest moments he comes to us, like an angel with joy-filled eyes and a tendency to sit the bitches down, he strokes our hair and he whispers in our ears, Shhhh, shhhhh, I am here now, it is all going to be all right, for I am Johan Santana, and I would like to make love to you.

Er, I mean…

BatNotes:: Speaking of people Batgirl doesn't deserve, a huge BatSmooch to Count Chocula/the Veep/ Twitchy McXanax/the Nathanest of Joes for saving his 40th game tonight in fine style. However he was able to get 40 save situations this season BG cannot imagine.

Dingers for Dollars Update: No actual dingers tonight—in fact for the Coors Light Cold Blast DicknBert had to pick a bleepin' sac fly—but at least we finally got some dollars, thanks to the Boo appearance and Chocula save, three strikeouts, and a totally-trucking-hot bonus from bubblemint. With the help of another retroactive pledge, that makes:

$ 2643 for hurricane relief.

Also, thanks to everyone who purchased items from the BatStore from 9/6-9/21. Batgirl will make a $114 donation to the Red Cross. Thank you, all.

Now, come on, guys, let's hit some dingers.