Dear Batgirl,

Um, why are we using old helmets in spring training and vented reptile helmets when the season starts? Is it too cold in Florida for vented helmets? I'm also a bit scared that Lew's going to be distracted by the whooshing sound in the helmet when he runs from the dugout to the plate.

--TwinsCubsSeries

Dear Mr. Series,

Oh dear. Batgirl's been so obsessed with the pixie vests she totally missed this asininity. She also blocked out the COOLFLO from the All-Star Game, or never noticed it at all due to being apoplectic about, you know, Fox. And baseball. And how they should never do baseball. Ever.

So here are the helmets.

Certainly reptialian, and almost reptile-alien, like the old skool Cylons or those lizard guys from V. I feel like I might get pregnant with a reptile alien baby just looking at it and then everyone's going to be sorry. They look like Darth Vader's helmet and a real batting helmet got wasted one night and hooked up, and then the batting helmet got pregnant and Darth Vader's helmet totally left it when it found out--because, you know, evil--and then the real batting helmet drowned its sorrow in glue sniffing and then... voila. CoolFlo.

Moral of this story: you shouldn't sniff glue while pregnant. Or hook up with any part of Darth Vader's armor. Or have alien lizard babies. Or buy stupid-ass helmets.

Sincerely,
Batgirl