Twins at Toronto. Blue Jays 6, Twins 3

I know this happens every season. I know that it takes El Presidente some time to find his form. And that’s okay, it is. Because El Presidente can do whatever he wants, he has a mandate (and I don’t mean that thing that happens when you’re a guy and you become friends with this other guy and he has all the same interests as you and you have so much to talk about and so you go to restaurants and museums together and everyone thinks you’re a couple but you’re not, you’re just friends, and your girlfriend doesn’t understand, because why can’t you go to museums and restaurants and the theatre with her, isn’t she good enough? What does he give you that she can’t? And you say nothing, nothing, it’s just that Steve is good company and you go out with your gal pals all the time and do gal pal things so why can’t I hang out with Steve? And she says but most guys hang out by sitting around drinking beer and scratching themselves, they don’t do things they could be doing with their girlfriends. And you say, I’ll drink beer and scratch myself right now if it will make you happy. And she says, that’s not the point. And you say what is the point? And she says there’s something going on between you and Steve, isn’t there? And you say no, no, it’s not like that, I mean I like Steve, but I don’t like Steve, and she says, yeah, but he’s pretty cute, and you say, Sure, but he’s no Johan Santana.) Not that kind of mandate. The other one where he can take his sweet time becoming totally awesome and we’ll spot him a few games in April because all of Twins Nation will support and love him because he is their president and everyone makes mistakes and we’re all a bit logy in April, especially with the daylight savings time and stuff, I mean Batgirl herself is still jetlagged from the whole thing, plus she’s got a sore throat which is probably Jeb’s fault because he’s been traveling a lot and you know how planes are. But that’s beside the point. Which is, Johan, you just go right ahead and give up all the hits you want in the next couple of weeks, your approval ratings will not suffer, our hearts will not falter, for you are Johan Santana and you are here to strike people out.

Still, it seems awfully impudent, doesn’t it? All those people getting hits off of Johan? And a homer? Have they no respect? I know he gives up homers from time to time but usually there’s no one on base, because they can’t get on base because he is Johan Santana. Who the heck do they think they are? I’m looking at you, Bengie Molina. You have a serious manners problem and I’m not afraid to say it, and I don’t think you’re going to be getting any mandates at all from any of Twins Nation.

As for the debut of the New! Improved! Twins! Line-up!, now with T-Fat! well, it was pretty exciting there when the Twins scored a run in the first inning. I mean it—a real live run. Like, Shannon Stewart lead-off base hit, Luis Castillo Bunt, Chairman Mauer reach on an error, R-White sac fly run. Really. I shit you not. Everybody did what they were supposed to do, everybody executed, and I don’t mean in the lethal injection kind of way. But after that, well, things got pretty flaccid. Unlike Johan, guys, you don’t have any wiggle room—we’ve been hurt, we’ve suffered, we want to see that you’ve changed, really changed. Sure, I know what you’ve said, you’re sorry, you were drunk, it’s just that I make you so angry sometimes you can’t help yourselves, but you’ll never do it again if we just come back to you. But BG, for one, will believe it when she sees it.

What I’m saying you guys, you Twins batters, is that I like you, but I don’t like you yet. I have needs. Two homers in one game is really cool and all, and Stewie did a nice one man I’m-not-dead-yet show and T-Fat I think will have an error and a homer every game, and yes there were points last year when two homers would have seemed like an orgy of excess (as opposed to an orgy of moderation? Which would totally be the Twins. I can just see Joe Mauer saying, you know this orgy is great and all, but it seems a little immodest. Can we scale it back a bit? And has anyone seen my Grip n’ Go?), but next time try putting runners on base, see? It leads to more runs. And more runs leads to more victories and a happy Batgirl. And mandates for all.