Twins at Cleveland. Weekend Round-Up.
Friday: Cleveland 11, Twins 6
Saturday: Cleveland 3, Twins 0.
Sunday: Cleveland 3, Twins 2.
Listen, my children. Gather 'round. Come closely—no, that's close enough, I have intimacy issues—for I have a tale for you that will chill you to the bone. Do you know the story of the monster known as the Travishafner? Part phantom, part beast, he travels with the wind and the night looking for innocent souls on which to feast. He is voraciously hungry and he will not rest until he has devoured the ERAs of every Twins pitcher. You cannot plead with the Travishafner for he knows no sympathy, no mercy—he is driven only by his need to feed. No, my children, do not wander alone in Jacobs Field at night for the Travishafner lurks there waiting to pounce on you, and when he is done with you there will be nothing left but a pile of bones and your own screams still hanging in the air. You cannot run from him, for he moves as fast as the wind. You cannot hide from him, for he can smell your fear.
Some say the Travishafner is just a myth. They are the lucky ones.
"I have seen him," said Kyle Lohse. "He has red eyes and sharp fangs and he can kill you just by looking in your eyes. Also he hit two home runs off me."
"I have seen him," said Scott Baker. "He has superhuman strength and he blots out the sun and he also hit a homer off of me."
"I have seen him," said Johan Santana. "He has a heart of ice, a soul of darkness, and he breathes fire. I got him out because I am Johan Santana. But I would have appreciated some run support."
No one knows where the Travishafner come from. Some say he is a government experiment gone horribly awry. Some he is a demon banished from hell and forced to walk the earth. Some say he is from North Dakota. But I think the Travishafner comes from inside us. I think our fear created him, and our fear continues to make him stronger.
We cannot stop him, that is clear. The Travishafner will continue to prey on us at least seventeen more times this season. All we can do is try to overcome him, to take our fear and imagine it as a little round white ball and attempt to hit it very far with long wooden sticks. At least it's worth a try.