Oakland at Twins. Twins 7, A's 6.

Goodness. Well. Things sure change quickly, don't they? I mean, here we were down 4-0 in the 3rd and to win the game would mean we would have to score five whole runs, which as any Twins fan knows is an absolutely impossible feat, I mean no baseball team has EVER scored five whole runs in one game—maybe over three games they could score five runs, maybe, if, like, some kind of miracle happened, if, like, someone stopped by and turned loaves into fishes and parted the Red Sea and healed Corey Koskie and then said, oh, by the way, as evidence for my future sainthood I am going to bless your bats and you are going to score two whole runs this game and if you wouldn't mind mentioning it to the Vatican I'd really appreciate it, if you're not too busy totally sucking because I understand that takes up a lot of time and energy and I certainly wouldn't want to impose, because I'm just that kind of guy. And meanwhile Batgirl's all bitter because she waited in line at the upper deck Grandstand Grill for forever and missed the starting lineups and the woman who was waiting on her could not seem to figure out how to work the cash register trons and she scanned Batgirl's drivers license instead of her credit card and kept punching in the wrong things and tried to charge Batgirl for three beers when she only wanted one beer, and she didn't even want it, really, it was for Goober who had forgotten his ID, and fatherhood has made him look so youthful, and then the woman didn't give her the little lettuce and tomato pack with her veggie burger and if Batgirl's paying four bucks for a freakin' veggie burger she wants her sheet of lettuce-like substance, dammit, and then Batgirl had to wait several minutes because the receipt tron was jammed and the woman wouldn't let her leave even though Batgirl didn't want her receipt and the woman kept saying, Just give me your credit card and I'll try again which did not sound like a promising proposition to Batgirl, and then finally Batgirl was allowed to leave and she fled for the condiments and Goober, who was in line behind Batgirl trying to secure hot dogs, shouted, No, don't leave me! and Batgirl's like, So long sucker! and starts sucking down the beer she bought for him because of the stress and ten minutes later Goober appears by the condiments dazed and shaking with a tray full of nothing like what he had ordered after having paid several times more what he was supposed to and he didn’t even care, he just shouted, Here, take my money, just let me go! Please! Please for the love of god! and we finally make our way up to our seats and we've missed Bradke making short work of the A's in the first inning and—hey! Look! Bradke had a one two three first inning! Wow, he must be on tonight, he must be really riding the home opener wave and we forgot all about our forced captivity at the Grandstand Grill because we were so happy and then Boom! Boom! Boom! and suddenly we're down 4-0 and, you know, loaves into fishes and Grandstand Grill veggie burger into something edible and all that. And then it’s the bottom of the 3rd and Shannon Stewart gets a hit to lead-off the inning. And that's very nice because it was the first hit of the game and it's always refreshing to get a hit because then we can't be no hit and that's always a small comfort. At least we weren't no hit, we say to ourselves, sighing gently and thinking how we had dreams once. And then Luis Castillo gets a double and he speeds his way around the bases and that's pretty fun to watch too, it's nice to have a legitimate #2 hitter, too bad no one's ever going to hit him in but then Chairman Joseph Mauer does hit him in, he hits both of them in, for a grand total of two runs and, you know, call the Pope. And we're just so dazzled by this display of offensive prowess, of the whole line-up doing what it’s supposed to do, we barely even notice when Torii hits them in and suddenly it's 4-3 with two men on and, you know, I don't want to sound crazy here, I mean I know the whole Grandstand Grill experience scarred me emotionally, but we could win this thing. Really. I mean it. And then T-Fat strides up and suddenly Batgirl sees into his mind and he is thinking to himself What is the sound of one hand clapping and If an ass-bat falls in a forest and no one hears it, does it still make a sound and a perfect peace spreads over him and then—

Boom.

And all over the Dome stale hot dog buns are turning into fishes and swimming away, swimming, swimming. And somewhere in some forest in some distant land an ass bat does fall and no one is there to hear it, but Batgirl knows it makes a sound and that sound is "Touch 'Em All, T-Fat." Touch 'em All.