Twins at Kansas City. Royals 3, Twins 1.
It was in the sixth inning that the music began to play.
Dee doo doo doo, dee doot doot doo,
On the mound, Scott Baker turned white as a sheet.
"Oh, no," he muttered. Baker looked right and left. No one else had seemed to notice a thing. Maybe he hadn't—
Dee doot doo doo doo doot doot.
He had. Baker surreptitiously looked down, and hissed, "Not now!"
Dee doo doo doo, dee doot doot doo,
"Hey, Scottie," called Justin Morneau from his post at first base. "Why are you talking to your crotch?"
Dee doo doo—dee de doot doot doot!
"Oh, crap!" whispered Baker, as his pants burst open and the opening credits began to roll:
He was born inside Scott Baker's pants one day,
He came on out to see what was up.
Now he floats around and has a lot to say,
He's Nutty--the athletic cup!
Yes, Nutty had come out once again, and was ready to spread his own special brand of joy and love throughout the world. "Hi boys and girls!" he exclaimed as he floated near Scott Baker's head. "I'm Nutty, The Athletic Cup!"
Joe Mauer quickly called time and rushed toward the mound, the home plate ump close behind.
"Not now, Nutty!" said Baker through gritted teeth. "I'm pitching!"
"Don't be ridiculous, Scott Baker!" enthused Nutty. "It's always a good time for Nutty, the Protective Cup! Boys and girls, do you know what a slider is? Here, Scott," said Nutty, floating into Baker's hands, "show them a slider grip!"
"I'm not going to do that, Nutty!"
"You're no fun, Scott Baker!" said Nutty. "Hey, Joe Mauer, will you show the boys and girls a slider grip?"
"Man," said Mauer, "I'm not touching your cup!"
"Fine Joe Mauer!" sniffed Nutty. "Be that way! You should know it's not a good idea to piss off a protective cup!" He glared pointedly at Mauer's crotch.
"Young man," said the ump, "can't you get your athletic cup under control?"
"No!" exclaimed Baker. "If I could he wouldn't come bursting out of my pants like this!"
"Bursting out of your pants with love, Scott Baker! I just want to spread my message of happiness and baseball to children all across the world. How about a change-up, Joe Mauer! Show the kids a change-up!"
"How the hell did this happen?" asked the ump.
"I don't know," said Baker. "I was at practice one day and he just came out and starting talking to me. Now he won't leave me alone. It's horrible, horrible!"
"That's right Scott Baker!" exclaimed Nutty cheerfully. "I'm your best friend!" He cleared his throat and began to sing in his high voice:
[To hear Nutty's melody click here! Now, you can sing along with Nutty!]
I was born inside Scott Baker's pants one day,
I came on out to see what was up.
Now I float around and have a lot to say,
I'm Nutty—the athletic cup.
"Look," said the umpire turning to Baker, "either you put that cup back in your pants or I'm going to boot you out of this game."
"Boot Scott Baker?" exclaimed Nutty. "How could you, Umpire! He's my friend! You're mean and I hate you!" Nutty whirled around and whizzed over to home plate.
"No, Nutty!" called Baker, "Don't!"
"It's okay, Scott Baker!" called Nutty. "I'm here to protect you!"
And with that, Nutty turned again and flew directly into the ump's crotch while Scott Baker put his head in his hands and began to weep softly.
From the bench, the other Twins watched, wide-eyed. "Wow, that cup is crazy," said Ruben "Reuben" Sierra.
"I guess that's why they call him Nutty," said Little Nicky Punto, shaking his head.
Rondell White turned to him and blinked. "Well," he said. "Not really."