As you all know, BG thinks of nothing but you. When she took the Oath of Bloggiosity, she made a solemn vow that she would use her platform only for good, and she would dedicate herself to helping her readers sort through the endless morass of Twins-themed novelty frozen goods. So when BG discovered Kemps had released four Twins ice creams, she knew she had a job to do, so she called Team Batgirl together for a taste test. Below, as a service to you, Team Batgirl presents their impressions.

N. B. Each flavor of Twins ice cream contains a "chocolate Minnesota Twins cup" which is essentially a chocolate piece in a shape which roughly approximates the state of Minnesota in the way the Batbaby might draw it. These pieces are about 1/4 the size presented on the box, as seen below.

THE ICE CREAMS:
Touch 'Em All Chocolate Malt: Fudge filled chocolate Minnesota Twins cups in malt-flavored ice cream with a thick fudge swirl.

Goober found that this flavor had "surprising legs" and "slowly blossomed." He found it "light-bodied with hints of fig and pomegranate." Jeb thought it had a subtle flavor, "well-suited for a sophisticated palate." Batgirl found the malty nose overpowering, but appreciated the "consistency and commitment." Sooz said it wasn't chocolaty enough.

The package promises chocolately goodness, but the product pales in comparison.


Graham Slam: Marshmallow filled Minnesota Twins cup in graham-flavored ice cream with a graham swirl.

Jeb spent some time appreciating the bouquet—"graham-y," he said, "with a hint of salt...Redolent of a day at the seaside, as long as you spent that day snorting graham crackers." Upon tasting, he found the marshmallow "unconvincing" and the bouquet to promise more than the ice cream delivered. In other words, its smell wrote a check that its taste couldn't cash. Batgirl adored it and remarked with great pleasure that there was a "grahamspolosion" in her mouth. Goober found it more mature than the malt. "Oak-y, with a faint hint of nutmeg." He favorably noted the strong graham taste and longed to enjoy it "with apple juice and a nap on the floor." Sooz said it wasn't chocolaty enough.

Pennant Fever Peanut Butter Peanut Butter filled chocolate Minnesota Twins cups in chocolate-flavored ice cream with a peanut butter swirl.

Jeb said the smell was "chocolaty…tends toward the fudgy," and commented on the "cinnamon notes." Upon tasting, he pontificated that the "peanut butter tastes like ass butter," and "you can really taste the xantham gum." Goober described the taste as a mélange of "coffee, cardamom, tree bark, and feet," and commented that it was "a little too enthusiastic to get to know you but then it doesn't want to stick around to cuddle…Creamy in texture, like a blend of Miracle Whip and yarn." He suggested renaming it to "Batista Butter Blowout," which would "capture the sheer mediocrity as well as the disconcerting overall impression." He also took the quart home with him. Batgirl found the general taste quite pleasing, but the peanut butter as weak as the Yankees farm system, while Sooz said it wasn't chocolaty enough.

TC Fudge Sundae Fudge swirled chocolate Minnesota Twins cups in vanilla flavored ice cream with a thick fudge swirl

Batgirl felt that the ice cream flavor itself was "less vanilla than freezer burn." Jeb found the chocolate chunks to be pleasing, like something that might belong in ice cream, yet not remotely chocolaty, and as a result he was left "dizzy and reeling." Goober described the flavor as "Styrofoam peanuts with a nutella swirl and a hint of marmite…so neutral and cheap that at first it doesn't actually exist." He was disconcerted by the swirl—"as if someone ground up cigars in it, but not bad cigars." After thinking for some time he decided it "tastes like the Ovaltine factory smells." Sooz found it not chocolaty enough.

In sum, Sooz and Jeb liked the more subtle notes of the Touch 'Em All Chocolate Malt, while BG and Goober loved the more overt and welcoming—some may say slutty—taste of Graham Slam. All agreed that, despite the irrepressible lovability of its namesake, TC Fudge Sundae tastes like ass.