Tampa Bay at Twins. Twins 7, Devil Rays 2

Everyone knew there was something off about Rondell White this year. In addition to his epic craptitude at the plate, White just didn't seem to be the happy-go-lucky guy the Twins had heard about from his former teammates. Everyone quickly attributed his newfound interpersonal reticence to his troubles at the plate, but the more intuitive players couldn't help but think something was really wrong. "He just seems to be missing a piece of his heart," said Little Nicky Punto, shaking his head.

Try as he might, Punto could not get White to open up. "I'm fine," the slumping DH would mutter. "Nothing to see here." But with every protest, the diminutive utility infielder grew only more suspicious.

"He's just building walls," whispered Punto to Johan Santana.

"He is in construction?"

"No," said Punto. "I mean walls to hide his pain. I mean he's hiding something. I can tell. You know how some people are really smart about things like words and adding and stuff? Well, I've just always had a lot of emotional intelligence. And something is very wrong with Rondell White."

"I see," said Johan. "That is very interesting. I am sorry he is not in construction, as I am building a house for homeless puppies. It is very warm so I am going to take off my shirt. I hope I do not get too sweaty and sun-glistened."

Then, when White left to Cincinnati to get his arm looked at, Punto saw his chance. As soon as White's plane took off, the dwarfish infielder changed into his tiny hero garb and headed for Rondell's apartment to see what he could see. After looking to see that no one was there, he slid head-first under the door--because Little Nicky Punto, Tiny Superhero, can get into places other people cannot--and found himself inside his teammate's home.

"Let's see what I can see," Punto said to himself. He scampered all around the apartment looking for some sign of White's melancholy, but could see nothing unusual. Until he got into the bedroom.

The room was covered with snapshots of a happy-looking White from all over the world—Paris, Milan, Fort Collins, CO, and in all of these pictures White was not alone.

"I think that's a chinchilla!" Punto exclaimed. "He's clearly Rondell's bestest friend in the whole wide world! But where is he now?"

It did not take long to find out. In the back corner of the bedroom on a pedestal was a chinchilla-sized leopard print velvet pillow. And it was empty. And next to it lay a tear-stained note:

Rondell— I have Mr. Fuzzles. If you tell anyone, you'll regret it. If you come for him, I will make him into a thong. --CC

There was another stain on the note, too, and as Punto leaned forward he caught the unmistakable whiff of cheeseburger.

"That bastard!" exclaimed Punto. "No wonder Rondell has climbed new heights on Crap Mountain! CC Sabathia has his pet chinchilla!"

Well, Little Nicky Punto was not going to stand for this, and pretty soon he had mounted the nearest sparrow and set flight for Captain Cheeseburger's lair. Once there,, Punto caught a distinct whiff of cedar chips and headed right toward the smell. What he saw chilled him to his very tiny bones.

In a back room in the evil lair sat row after row of cages all filled with assorted small pets, each labeled with the name of a major leaguer. There was Pudge Rodriguez's Abyssinian guinea pig, Mike Sweeney's fat-tailed gerbil, Ryan Howard's spiny mouse, and the unmistakable stink of Eric Chavez's famous ferret Sancho Panza. And there, in small dark cage in the corner, was Mr. Fuzzles.

"Don't worry, Mr. Fuzzles!" said Punto. "Don't worry Sancho Panza! Don't worry Ryan Howard's spiny mouse, and Mike Sweeney's fat-tailed gerbil! I can get into places other people cannot!"

Soon, all of the small animals were free. Punto mounted Sancho Panza and led them all to freedom, but not before leaving CC Sabathia with something to remember him by in the form of ketchup-flavored laxative. And when Rondell White came back from his rehab assignment, he discovered a very special friend waiting in his locker.

"Mr. Fuzzles!" he gasped, eyes filling with tears. "But how…. But where?"

"I rescued him for you!" Punto exclaimed proudly. "Now you can stop sucking!"

And just like that, Little Nicky cracked the emotional walls Rondell White, and the walls came a-tumbling down. And White began to weep openly and cradle his friend to his chest.

"What about CC?" White whispered through his tears.

"Oh, he won't be bothering us for some time," said Punto with a happy smile.

"How do I ever thank you?"

"Oh, don't worry," said Punto. "If you just stop sucking it will be thanks enough."

And with that, the room filled with happy laughter—White's deep, rich bass and Punto's little squeaking chips. Or maybe that was the chinchilla. Who can say? All we know is that Rondell has his Mr. Fuzzles again, and that Johan Santana is somewhere shirtless and gleaming.

Please note: Batgirl will be out of town and--gasp--computerless until Saturday evening. Jeb will be BODSHC and should be accorded of all the honor and privileges therein.