Since joining the Twins eight games ago, Jason Renyt Tyner has been trying to figure out his role. It would be easy to stand atop the dugout and announce to all who'd listen, "I am Jason Renyt Tyner and I am a good-luck charm. This team has not known defeat since I joined its ranks."
And he would be correct, for the Twins have gone 8-0 since Jason Renyt Tyner joined the Twins during their week of the injured outfielders. He was the first to come up, to be joined by Rondell White and Josh Rabe. And on his first night with the Twins, he got the game-winning single and felt the happy breath of his new teammates as they pounded his helmet and showed him all forms of man love.
But, still, as the hits and wins kept coming, Jason Renyt Tyner wondered, "How can I make them remember me after the novelty of my arrival has worn off? How can I be more than a man whose middle name is his last name in reverse?"
And Jason Rynet Tyner pondered. He saw hustle and determination wherever he looked, and understood that his hustle and determination was matched by other little Twins -- by Nicky Punto and Luis Castillo and Jason Bartlett, to name three. And he knew that he could not hit the ball as far as JustIncredible or as consistently as The Chairman or even with the sudden combination of power and hotness that is now Rondell White.
"How will they know me?" Jason Renyt Tyner asked himself as the team plane landed in Cleveland, and again as teammates stretched, dressed and touched their noses in preparation for the series opener. He was in the lineup again, batting eighth against the loathsome C.C. Sabathia.
And then, as he approached the plate in the second inning, he understood.
"No, I cannot hit as far as Morneau nor as well as Mauer," Jason Renyt Tyner told himself. "But I can hit it hard and short."
(This is backed up by statistics. In 863 major-league at-bats, Jason Renyt Tyner has 0 home runs. In other words, he trails Barry Bonds by 722 career home runs and Lew Ford by 28 -- and he is likely to catch neither.)
As he approached the plate, Jason Renyt Tyner looked the corpulent Captain Cheeseburger in the eye and in the gut. "Show me your best heater, fat ass," he drawled to himself, knowing full well that Texas Aggies don't cuss out loud.
And C.C. tried. It was a fastball.
And Jason Renyt Tyner swung, and drilled the ball toward Sabathia's big head. When C.C. raised his left arm in self-defense, the ball banged off his wrist and into center field for a base hit. Captain Cheeseburger waved away help and acted as if he was just fine, thank you.
But he wasn't. He didn't make it through the fourth, allowing eight runs on six hits and four walks and looking for all the world like he wanted to make a big hole -- a big, big hole -- in the pitcher's mound and jump in.
And Jason Renyt Tyner thought to himself, "I know what I am...
"I AM THE ASSASSIN."
But how could he convince others? In the third inning, he came to bat with the bases loaded. His brain was in overdrive.
"To be an assassin, I must know and show more than brute force," Jason Renyt Tyner thought.
So he hit a slow grounder toward third base, daring Aaron (BBB) Boone to throw home and start a double play.
Aaron (Bret Boone's Brother) Boooooooone booooooooted it, letting a run score and starting an 8-run inning, giving the Twins a lead that not even Carlos Silva could put asunder. (When Boone made a routine fielding play later in the game, he received derisive cheers from the Clevelanders. And then, after making a key out when Cleveland still had hopes of a rally, he held his head in his hands by home plate. Boone was psychological toast.)
As he stood at first base and listened to the crowd direct anger toward its third baseman, Jason Renyt Tyner thought to himself, "I AM THE ASSASSIN."
Then, later in the game, when Cleveland threatened a bit and more runs were needed, Jason Renyt Tyner came to the plate against Jason (No Relation) Davis, a journeyman of little repute who was called up from the minors this week.
"I will destroy this mediocrity," Jason Renyt Tyner said, approaching the plate, where he smacked a single off the reliever's body, a deft reminder of what he'd done to Captain Cheeseburger, and a blow that led to two runs that seemed needed at the time.
This time, brimming with confidence, he turned to the first-base coach, Jerry White, and said out loud, "I KNOW WHAT I AM NOW! I AM THE ASSASSIN!"
Jerry smiled and offered him a breath mint.
So on a night when Rondell had four (more) hits and four RBI ... and Chairman Mauer tripled, doubled and singled ... and Cuddy had three hits and four RBI ... and JustIncredible raised his average to .308 with two hits and two walks ... and Dennys (Grand Slam Breakfast) Reyes defeated Pronk in a key game of 1-on-1, it was Jason Renyt Tyner who left Jacobs Field with an identity.
Opponents beware, HE IS THE ASSASSIN!