The Twins reported to the Metrodome on Wednesday in a foul mood. Things got off to a sucking start because Francisco Liriano, the scheduled starter, was sidelined with a sore elbow. A little thing, they were told. But a hella bad start to the day. Then, Gardy came in looking like he'd spent the better part of the night pukin' and poopin', which it turned out he had. So for the third straight day, he was nowhere near the ballpark when the game started,this time being poked with an IV at a local hospital because, in the name of healing, the docs told him that it would be wise to neither eat nor drink.
Then, Lew Ford came into the clubhouse, brandishing his trusty laptop and spewing invective. Alas, the target of his rage was none other than Batgirl.
"Sideburns contest!" Lew raged. "What's UP with this? Why didn't Batgirl ever invite her readers to a Doom contest. I mean, geez. I sign a 'Lew Ford is my Boyfiend' t-shirt for TwinsGoddess and Batgirl runs off and has a SIDEBURNS contest. Where's the friggin' reciprocity?"
Michael Cuddyer walked in at the end of Lew's outburst and picked up the theme. "HOW COME BATGIRL NEVER HAD A MAGIC TRICK CONTEST?" he yelled. "EVERYONE KNOWS I WOULD WIN."
Little Nicky Punto took in the scene around him and, as he often does, he turned the attention to himself, which he needs to do to avoid getting lost in the crowd: "A sliding contest. Batgirl never had a sliding contest. I mean, what better sport than watching her readers dive head-first into first base while trying to avoid the opposing pitcher's spikes?"
And Pat Neshek, the rookie who is gaining confidence, decided to test his place in the clubhouse. "A butt contest," Neshek opined. "Think any of Batgirl's readers have a better butt than you, Torii?"
Torii Hunter didn't laugh, and he wondered if Neshek knew about his little dust-up last season with Justin Morneau. "Quiet, rookie," Torii said, his face straight. "Batgirl would sooner ask her readers to imitate your twitchy act before she'd objectify me like that."
Sitting in the corner, Morneau thought he'd put an end to the grousing with a contest so simple anyone could enter.
"Uh, you know, guys. We should have, you know, one of those electrocution contests! Most 'you knows' in a minute gets, you know, to be..."
Jesse Crain cut him off. "Hey, hoser," Crain shouted. "You mean an ELOCUTION contest!"
"You know, uhhhhh, you're right," Morneau replied.
Finally, cooler heads prevailed. Mike Redmond, fresh from a round of naked batting practice, stood in the middle of the clubhouse and called the boys together. No one peeked.
"Gentlemen," he said. "The day has gotten off to such a start. Let's just have a SUCKING contest."
There was some hushed cross-talk as players debated the merit of Redmond's idea and finally, because he is the team's elder statesman, the boys all went along with the idea.
In the first inning, Joe Mauer came to the plate with two men on base and grounded into a double play. "Yes, I am on the cover of Sports Illustrated this week," he announced. "But I can still suck when needed."
In the second, Torii grounded into a double play on his own, the first half of an entry that included failing to run to first base on a strike three that eluded Texas' catcher in the fourth. "See, he said, "I can play with my head up my fine, fine sweetcheeks."
In the third, Little Nicky swung at a third strike and Jason Bartlett was thrown out at second for a different kind of double play. "See that?" LNP said. "That's called double-play diversity. And don't forget that dive into first base in the first inning, where I just missed getting my hand stepped on again."
The fourth was a team effort. Bartlett made a bad throw off a barehand grab and Punto did him one better, making such a bad throw off his barehand grab that the ball got away from Morneau and the batter went to second. Morneau muffed a grounder like he was wearing a blindfold and L-Rod, making a rare appearance at second base, made an ill-advised throw to Bartlett on a grounder. Does it surprise you that Texas scored 5 runs in that inning?
In the sixth inning, after the Twins dared score a run, Redmond grounded into the team's 4th double play of the game. The dugout chatter was divided between the fact that it was a rather ordinary double play and giving Redmond sucking props for hitting into his with the bases loaded.
Then, Jason Renyt Tyner, a/k/a The Assassin, stepped up after L-Rod and Bartlett had singled in the seventh. "I have destroyed others with my skills," he said to himself. "Now, I will shoot myself in the foot." And, yes, he grounded into a rally-killing double play.
To round out his entry, Tyner came to bat in the ninth and smacked a line drive that the Texas first baseman turned into an unassisted double play -- No. 6 of the game off the Twins' sucking bats. Game over.
The sucking jurors had rarely seen such an afternoon. Well, not since the likes of Stahoviak and Walker patrolled the infield, anyway. They took over Gardy's office for a while, donning their robes and debating secretly. So secretly that we can't even tell you what was said.
What we do know is that they emerged, swigging Gardy's half-empty Pepto bottles, and announced to all: "You all sucked so bad that choosing a winner for this contest is an exercise in futility. You must all go to Kansas City now -- and never, ever think about having a contest like this ever again."