Cleveland at Twins. Indians 3, Twins 2.

It is no doubt that one of the factors leading to the Twins improved play this year is increased clubhouse harmony, but all of that was threatened today, thanks to a controversy of galactic proportions.

It began positively enough, with Dennys Sampler Reyes complimenting Johan Santana on his Dome winning streak.

"That's what I like to see," said Reyes. "Certainly. You start at the Dome, you're going to win. It just makes you feel better about the world, you know, one of those things you can really count on. Like e=mc squared, like the Pythagorean theorem, like 12 months in a year, seven days a week, like nine planets in the solar system…."

"Uhhhh, Dennys," interrupted Mike Redmond, who had been thumbing through a copy of Astronomy Today.

"Que?"

"That's not true."

"Que?"

"I mean there aren't going to be nine planets anymore. There are either eight or twelve, or maybe even many more."

Reyes stared at Redmond, unblinking. "I don't believe you," he said, after a few long moments.

"It's true," said Redmond. "Look!" And he passed Reyes the magazine. Quickly, the portly lefthander skimmed the article, tears filling his eyes. "But…but…this can't be!" he protested, and then went running out of the room, sobbing.

"What's wrong with Dennys Sampler?" asked Pat Neshek.

"Oh, he's upset about Pluto."

"The dog?"

"No, silly. The planet. Pluto might lose its status. See, it's really too small to be considered a planet. Even the moon is bigger, and it doesn't behave like a planet. Like, if it's a planet, then all these other really small bodies should be planets, too."

"But…" protested Neshek…"Pluto's a planet. There are nine planets. My Very Eager Mother Just Served Us Nine Potatoes!"

"Right," said Matt Guerrier. "My Very Enormous Monster Just Sucked Up Nine Pomeranians."

"No," said Jason Tyner. "It's Merlin's Very Extravagant Mother Just Sent Us Nine Parakeets!"

"Well," shrugged Redmond. "Not anymore. Either there are going to be eight planets or twelve, and if there are twelve it will be eight 'classic' planets and four dwarf planets, called plutons. See, there's this other sphere that's actually bigger than Pluto. It's called UB313—"

"Didn't they sing 'Red, Red Wine?'" asked Matt Guerrier.

"--Also known as Xena."

"Sweet," muttered Lew Ford.

"And then there's Charon, Pluto's moon, and Ceres. They'd all be planets, too."

"That's stupid!" protested Neshek. "You should just keep them the way they are!"

"That's not going to happen," said Redmond.

"Look," said Josh Rabe, "They made a mistake. They thought Pluto was bigger than it was. But Pluto's not a planet. It's a big ball of ice. We shouldn't go redefining reality because some people can't deal with change. There are eight planets."

"Well, what's wrong with adding more planets?" said Neshek. "The more the merrier, that's what my mom says."

"But Ceres is an asteroid!" protested Rabe.

"You're an asteroid!" grumbled Neshek.

At this point, Little Nicky Punto spoke up. "Sometimes, just because something is little doesn't mean it’s not special," he said, his voice cracking a little bit. "Pluto may not be very big or be able to sustain life or do anything cool, but I think it's got a lot of heart."

"Hee. It's a PUN-ton!" laughed Juan Rincon.

"Oh, yeah?" squeaked LNP. "You're a gas giant!"

"Save Pluto!" cried Tyner.

"Screw Pluto!" cried Mauer.

And so it went, all the way up to game time, players hurtling astronomical insults at each other as the argument grew more heated. At one point Torii Hunter became so enraged when Justin Morneau suggested Pluto's elliptical orbit disqualified it automatically that he punched the Canadian, who promptly hit Torii over the head with his boom boom stick.

Needless to say, it was a fractured bunch who took the field today, and while that-guy-who-looks-like-Frasier-Crane may feel his pitching was what carried the day, we Twins fans know the truth. Blame Pluto.

Stupid planet, anyway.