Twins at Baltimore. Twins 4, O's 1.
Dear Matt Garza,
Hello, we haven't met before. My name is Batgirl. At various points during your extensive and glorious major league career I am going to make fun of you, and probably see what you would look like if you were a chick. Batgirl's guess: not that hot. But you never know until you try, do you? Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for not sucking tonight. We need you. See, we've got Johan Santana, who is going to win the Cy Young, and Brad Radke, who is living on prayer and fish glue, and then we've got—well, you. And Batgirl lived last year without a playoffs and you know what? It totally sucked. So how about you and BG strike a deal. You be good the rest of the reason (oh, and all of next year too, that would be great, thanks) and BG doesn't turn you into a chick. Deal?
Accommodatingly,
Batgirl
Dear Ron Gardenhire,
What did you say to Angel Hernandez to make him kick you out of the game? It couldn't have been very nice. Were you upset about something? Maybe you have too much stress in your life. Maybe you need Little Nicky Punto to sing you a song or pull a unicorn out of his kiester? Maybe next time you don't like a call you could have LNP pull a unicorn out of his kiester right then and there. I bet the umps would have a better strike zone then.
Helpfully,
Batgirl
Dear Angel Hernandez,
Touch-eeee. How'd you like a unicorn in your kiester?
Jeez,
Batgirl
Dear Pat Neshek,
Your new nickname is "Sideshow Pat," even though Batgirl might call you Pat the Bunny every once in awhile, because you are cute and cuddly and you have a crazy-ass pitching delivery, just like a bunny. Also, your ERA is 0.84, and your blog rankings must be through the roof! Care to share blogging tips with BG sometime? Which is more challenging, relief pitching or blogging? Which is more of a pressure-situation? Do you ever get blogging cramps? How about blogger's itch? And blogger's remorse? Batgirl was once in a sanitarium for two weeks due to a massive case of blogger's remorse. They had good cookies.
Wistfully,
Batgirl
Dear Torii Hunter,
You know, if you wanted to hit a massive dinger every three or four games from now on, that would be pretty cool.
Just saying,
Batgirl
Dear Michael Cuddyer,
You know BG's favorite moment of the game? It wasn't your gorgeous run-saving catch or your RBI double or your RBI single. It was when you hit an excuse-me off the end of your bat. It was a certain out, but you ran down to first base like you were being chased by a naked Mike Redmond. And that, Mr. Cuddles, is hott.
Love,
Batgirl
Dear Jason Kubel,
You seem to be struggling. We all struggle from time to time, and Batgirl feels your pain. Clearly, you need to go on some mystical journey with the other Jason-aspects and find the magic crystal that is the very core of your power and, I don't know, lick it or something. I think it tastes like strawberries and regret.
Concerned,
Batgirl
Dear Other Jason Aspects,
You don't need to lick the crystal. You're doing just fine.
Appreciatively,
Batgirl
Dear Boof "John" Bonser,
Your turn.
Pointedly,
Batgirl
Dear Bitch Sox,
You know how you lost the first two games of this series? Do it again!
Encouragingly,
Batgirl
BatNotes: The comments to yesterday's entry resulted in some work of special note. The following material is not suitable for children, the infirm, or the faint-hearted.
First, from Spacey Stacey and YankeeFan, sung to They Might Be Giant's "Birdhouse in Your Soul:"
Tiny hero in the infield by the baseline
Who watches over you?
Let a little Punto in your soul.
Not to put too fine a point inside
Watch the horn before putting it in your backside
Place a little uni in your hole.
Then, from 87&91, a series of Punto/unicorn related haiku, including the whole reason the Japanese invented haiku in the first place:
Beware you Bitch Sox!
Nicky’s riding his magic
Fucking unicorn.
Genius.
Posted by Batgirl at August 23, 2006 11:39 PM