This entry posted by Twayn, whose illusions are shattered.

We’re all adults here, right? I mean, it’s not like we’re in junior high anymore. No, we’re grownups now. We can talk about this frankly and maturely with a minimum of snickering, and we’ve already heard the Alex Fitzderek jokes so we can move past that too, thank you very much. No, this is something to take seriously, like misdemeanor charges or gingivitis. Because it seems, ladies and gentlemen, that Alex Rodriguez has been faking it for years.

Alex and Derek in happier times.

That’s right, A-Rod is a great big faker, just like those webcam girls that fill your inbox with spam about how hot they are for you, but they really aren’t, they just want your money and believe me, it can be hard to explain those credit card charges to your wife. No, it turns out the richest player in baseball isn’t nearly as cozy with teammate and dreamboat Captain Derek Jeter as he’s been letting on for several years. While Alex was leading us all to believe that he and Derek were still as close as the little piggies that went to market and to town, under the covers there’s been a bit of tension simmering between the two. Oh, we saw the signs, like last year when Derek wouldn't stick up for Alex when he was doing his Tony Batista imitation at third base, but we didn't want to believe it. Fortunately for the Yankees and their fans, Alex and Derek have handled the downturn in their relationship like men. That is to say, they’ve buried their real feelings as deeply as possible and hidden behind a facade of false conviviality.

Alex gives Derek one of his 'special' hugs.

And A-Rod’s relationship with Derek isn’t the only one that’s been suffering for years now. It seems as well that A-Rod’s relationship with the media has been a bit like that of many a dysfunctional couple, what with all the lying and the pretending and the passive aggressive behavior. So Alex lied to the media because that's what they wanted, because they didn’t really care about his feelings, you see, but he didn’t really enjoy the lying at all, he just did it to keep them happy. And the media, well, they’re just insensitive louts with insatiable appetites that don't give a tinker's damn about Alex’s vulnerable emotional states as long as they get theirs every day by deadline, so hurry up with those bloomers, A-Rod.

Alex and Derek were once so close they autographed each other's balls.

It’s sad, really. We can only imagine the idyllic Friday night sleepovers that took place in Derek’s Central Park West condo after an evening of cruising trendy Manhattan nightclubs, the intensity of their masculine bonding, the late night movie and video game marathons, the Saturday morning cartoon watching, the mysterious and sanguine rituals that turned this charmed pair, this veritable Castor and Pollux, into kindred spirits, into nothing less than blood brothers.

Sad indeed, but those days are over now, it seems, and have been ever since Alex got a bug up his backside and said some mean things about Derek to one of those damn media guys, the ones that not only don’t respect you afterwards but like to brag to all of their buddies about it, too. Word got around.

Alex and Derek performing their blood brother handshake.

“Alex says Derek isn't a real leader.”
“Alex says Derek is surrounded by talent.”
“Alex says other teams don’t fear Derek.”

It all went downhill very quickly after that. And now, a few years later, Alex seems to be ready to move on, ready to face up to the reality that while he may still share a locker room with Derek, they can never recapture the magic of those salad days they once shared, and that Tennessee Williams was probably right, there is a time for departure even when there's no certain place to go.


Alex and Derek demonstrate the Dance of the Prima Donnas.

So why now? Why, you may ask, after years of deceipt and duplicity is Alex finally coming clean? Well, it's just a hunch, but there's a certain former Minnesota Twin on the Yankees roster this year, a guy Alex used to hang with in high school, a guy who maybe can help him deal with all of his confused and repressed feelings. A guy we like to call Dougie Baseball. Sure, maybe the Yanks did sign him for his late inning defense. But maybe, just maybe, it was because Alex could really, really use a friend again right now.