This entry posted by Twayn’s Flying Circus.

Many fans are disappointed with the news that the Twins and Justin Morneau were unable to reach an agreement on a long-term contract and have broken off further discussions. For those interested in just how these types of deals are negotiated, we have managed to obtain (through confidential sources familiar with the dumpster behind Lee County Sports complex) a transcript of the final bargaining session between Terry Ryan and Justin Morneau's agent, Mark Pieper.

[Terry Ryan hurries into the conference room at Hammond Stadium and takes a seat at the table opposite Pieper and his assistant, Bert.]

RYAN: Okay, how much does he want? Quickly.
PIEPER: What?
RYAN: It’s for Carl’s peace of mind. How much?
PIEPER: Oh. Uh, 40 million shekels for four years.
RYAN: Right. Done.
PIEPER: What?
RYAN: There you go. 40 million shekels.
PIEPER: Wait a minute.
RYAN: What?
PIEPER: Well, we're supposed to haggle.
RYAN: No, no, no. I've got to get Santana and Nathan to sign extensions, and see if…
PIEPER: What do you mean, 'no, no, no'?
RYAN: I haven't the time. I've got to trade some hot young arms for a backup shortstop and…
PIEPER: Well, take it back, then.
RYAN: No, no, no. I just paid you. We have a deal…
PIEPER: Bert!
BERT: Yeah?
PIEPER: This bloke won't haggle.
BERT [menacingly]: Won't haggle?! What’s your *&%#ing problem, mate?
RYAN: All right, all right. Do we have to?

PIEPER: Now, look. We want 40 million for four years.
RYAN: I just gave you 40 million for four years.
PIEPER: Now, are you telling me the league MVP’s not worth 40 million shekels?
RYAN: No.
PIEPER: Look at him. Look at that quality. That's hero stuff, not any of your goat.
RYAN: All right. I'll give you 39 million then.
PIEPER: No, no, no. Come on. Do it properly.
RYAN: What?
PIEPER: Haggle properly. He’s not really worth 39 million.
RYAN: Well, you just said he was worth 40 million.
PIEPER: Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Come on. Haggle.
RYAN: All right. I'll give you 20 million.
PIEPER: That's more like it. 20 million?! Are you trying to insult me?! Me, with a poor dying grandmother?! 20 million?!
RYAN: All right. I'll give you 22 million.
PIEPER: Now you're getting it. 22 million?! Did I hear you right?! 22 million?! And 10 percent for me? That doesn’t even cover my expenses. You want to ruin me?!
RYAN: 35 million?
PIEPER: No, no, no, no. 35 million, dear me.
RYAN: 36 million then?
PIEPER: No, no. You go to 24 million now.
RYAN: All right. I'll give you 24 million shekels for four years.
PIEPER: 24 million?! Are you joking?!
RYAN: That's what you told me to say.
PIEPER: Oh, dear.
RYAN: Oh, tell me what to say. Please!
PIEPER: Offer me 26 million.
RYAN: I'll give you 26 million.
PIEPER: He's offering me 26 million! For the American League MVP!
RYAN: 27 million!
PIEPER: 33 million shekels. My last word. I won't take a penny less, or strike me dead.
RYAN: 33 million then. Deal.
PIEPER: Done. Nice to do business with you. Tell you what. I'll throw you in a washed up starting pitcher as well.
RYAN: I don't want him, I’ve got plenty of them, thanks.
PIEPER: Bert!
BERT: What? He still not haggling? You really do have a *&%#ing problem, don’t you, mate?
RYAN: All right! All right! All right! I’ll take your washed up pitcher.
PIEPER: Now, where's the 33 million you owe me?
RYAN: I just gave you 40 million.
PIEPER: Oh, yeah. That's right. That's 7 million I owe you, then.
RYAN: Well, that's all right. Just keep it. That's fine. I’m in a bit of a rush.
PIEPER: No, no. Hang on. I've got it here somewhere.
RYAN: That's all right. We’ll just call it 7 million for the pitcher.
PIEPER: 7 million? For this pitcher? 7 million?! Look at him. He’s worth 10 million if he’s worth a shekel.
RYAN: But you just gave him to me for nothing.
PIEPER: Yes, but he’s worth 10 million!
RYAN: All right. All right.
PIEPER: No, no, no. He’s not worth 10 million. You're supposed to argue, '10 millon for that? You must be mad!'
RYAN: Look, just forget the whole thing. We’ll try again next year.

[Terry Ryan takes back his 40 million shekels and makes a hasty exit.]

PIEPER: Oh, well. One born every minute.

Posted by twayn at March 22, 2007 11:58 AM