To: Mr. Ron Gardenhire
From: Dashiell J. Batbaby

So, Mr. Gardenhire, look, I was reading LaVelle E. Neal III's web log the other day and I came across
this entry.

Seriously. I almost spit up. You've got Garza, who my mom calls Macho Matt for reasons I can't completely parse and I don't think she can either, and Glen "I'd Sure Like to Stop at" Perkins is pitching like, well, Macho Matt Garza, and you go with option C, Attitudy McFatHead? Both these guys will be in the rotation anyway once you release Ponson and trade the Jackal to Cincinnati.

My mom says that your preference for veterans has been noted in the blogosphere. And I understand. Veterans are great. My parents, for instance, are not veterans and they have no idea what the #@$@#$@ they're doing. At the same time, rookies are not necessarily total #@$# I'm a rookie, and I can pitch better than Ponson.

You know how sometimes you relive patterns in your life? Like in the hospital nursery some girl breaks your heart and then all the babes after that are just like her, every time you find someone different, really it's the same girl, but that girl was a mistake, all burbles and coos and come hither looks, and you'd come hither and then she'd just crap all over you, and I'm like, why don't you just put on some damned Pampers anyway? They're free. So it's the same girl, the same mistake, again and again and again, and what I'm saying is maybe the whole T-Fat thing should have been enough to make you recognize that there was an issue here.

Look. Everybody's a rookie some time. And sometimes, I know it might sound crazy-ass nuts, but sometimes rookie pitchers are better than veteran pitchers, like--oh, say, Liriano being better than Kyle Lohse. I don't know who Kyle Lohse is, but he sounds very, very scary.

Everyone's got their little things, M. Gardenhire. My mom thinks I like to be dressed in cute little outfits with bear ears on them. I don't. I mean, would you? So sometimes we have to recognize our little things so we can move past them and help lead our ballclub onto victory, and not just late season victory, but consistent season-long, totally-devoid-of-sucking time victory. Come on, Mr. Gardenhire. For the Twins! For the country! For adorable preemies everywhere!

Posted by Batgirl at March 20, 2007 02:09 AM