This entry written by Helen Fielding Donnalove

Royals 11, Chug ‘n’ Toss All-Stars 7

Sidney Ponson’s Diary

Friday, 20 April. Weight: Don’t even want to discuss (n.g.) ERA: 9.39 (n.g.) Alcohol Units: 0 (had herbal refreshment instead.)

Arrived at ballpark early to celebrate national “holiday” with M. Guerrier. J. Bartlett walked in and said “It smells funny in here. Are you guys burning incense?” Could not stop laughing. Stopped laughing when realized M. Sweeney had hit home run off self. Then caught sight of Guerrier in bullpen and started laughing again. Not sure what was funny. Laughed anyway, couldn’t help self. Called bullpen to ask Stelmaszek if refrigerator was running. Thought disguised voice, but was found out and yelled at. In fifth inning, was thinking about eating pizza. And chocolate cake. And Doritos. And pickled eggs. Pickled eggs v.g. Could not stop thinking about pickled eggs. Baseball began to look like pickled egg. Could not get pickled egg out of head. Pickled eggs kept going past. Then realized pickled eggs were hits, home runs, etc. Was no longer laughing. Then saw Gardy coming from dugout. Looked like Santa Claus, but mad. Had to turn away to stifle laughter. Once in dugout, thought about previous start, when received standing ovation when was taken out of game. Part of self v. excited, cheering for self. Other part of self could not let enjoy it, felt applause was sarcastic or pitying. Should have enjoyed moment, may never experience again. Must re-read Pitchers Are From Venus, Catchers Are From Mars. When Gardy took out of game, patted on butt, which is size of Antarctica. Must attend expensive Pilates class signed up for. Got pat on butt tonight, but could be accidental due to colossal size of ever-expanding rear, as did not think Gardy was pleased with performance. Called Guerrier in bullpen, told him about Gardy’s face. Got him laughing, as well. Could see him laughing on mound as he walked out. Felt bad as he was distracted and also gave up home run. Should not have told him that, was glad did not tell about pickled eggs as well. In dugout with Guerrier, thought about Grand Slam Breakfast at Denny’s. Could not figure out why until realized Dennys Reyes had loaded bases. Tried to be serious after that. Was slightly paranoid (possibly due to herbal substance, possibly due to pitching performance) about losing job, but felt comfortable after 8th inning antics by other pitchers. Do not even have highest ERA on team. V. v. good. Maybe will get to stay another start.