Red Sox 4, Twins 3

Sunday, 6 May. Weight: 250 (albatross around neck weighing in at 10 lb.) ERA: 6.42 (magically went down, thankful of unearned run... though, technically earned, since committed error that led to run.) Alcohol Units: 1 (lost count and started counting again.)

Sigh. Was too excited after last start, spoke too soon, now eating humble pie. Can think of many, many different pies that enjoy more than humble pie. French Silk. Peanut Butter Silk. Apple. Peach. Cherry. Even enjoy mince pie more than humble pie, though mince pie v. disgusting. Beef fat is not dessert. Is appetizer, along with mini-gherkins. V. tasty. Suppose cannot really complain, as had to pitch against Bloody Sock, who is bloody awful to hit against, as Twins showed until had already left game. Also v. hard to pitch against Red Sox, after Queer Eye For Straight Guy makeover gave unfair advantage. Wonder if could call Kyan about hair. Possibly could bring Ted, to make tasty, tasty pies. Also could bring Skinny Puerto Rican Boy to learn napkin folding and burlesque dance, but have no need for other two. T. Hunter saved E.R.A. from growing by v.v.v. good throw home (though only other player that would have been out from play would be Prince Fielder), also got 2 hits, though wish could have had hits while was still in game. Wish had gotten runs while still in game. Wish had pitched better, B. Blyleven-type start with v.g. fastballs freezing hitters, movement fooling batters, flailing away in vain, easy pop-ups, grounders, etc. Suppose can wash scary pants now, and wear new elephant-trunk thong sent as lovely parting gift from G. Steinbrenner, along with swift kick in ass. (Wondering how J. Torre would look in such underwear if also receives swift kick in ass in coming weeks.) Must remember to think positively, imagine abundance for self, manifest wins, Cy Youngs, glory, etc. Did have 1-2-3 inning, and did not give up any homeruns, for crying out loud. Also, if not for self, Twins would have been swept by Devil Rays. Have more wins against Devil Rays this year than any other Twins pitcher. Must hang on to that thought, cling to it with all the strength can muster, to keep alive hope of staying with team. Choose not to die alone, washed-up, eaten by wild dogs. Choose vodka and Chaka Khan. Have to remember positive energy sent by Donnalove, who likes me, just as I am.