From the AP:
When the New York Yankees reanimated Roger Clemens' desiccated corpse during the seventh inning stretch of yesterday's game, no one expected that corpse to join the starting rotation.But that's just what happened. In front of 52,345 cheering fans, Clemens' corpse got up and announced that he would be returning to the team that got him his last championship.
"Thanks, y'all," said the corpse. "Well, they came and got me out of my grave to pitch, so here I am!"
It was a shocking announcement, considering Clemens' corpse had embarked on a highly publicized farewell tour the year before. But some people just won't stay buried.
Yankees owner George Steinbrenner, 167, "Roger Clemens has the winningest corpse in baseball," he said. "We're proud to add that corpse to our team, no matter what it smells like."
While some in baseball grumbled that there was something distasteful about Clemens' corpse continually sitting out part of the baseball season, Yankee fans were ebullient. "If he wants to come out of retirement midseason to help his old team, that's fine," said one. "Anyway, I just don't think it's fair to ask him to play the whole season. I mean, he's dead."
Others say trotting out Clemens' corpse midseason shows a hint of desperation for the Yankees, who have not won a championship since 2000. And the $754 billion salary the corpse will receive raised eyebrows around the league.
"Small market teams can't compete with something like that," said one general manager. "You reanimate a desiccated corpse and pay him $750 billion, you have to ask yourself where it will end."
"The Boss just wants to win," said a fan.
"Roger Clemens' corpse just loves baseball," the pitcher's spokesman announced in an official statement. "At least for part of the summer. Too much of it in one year gets really old, you know?"