Twins at Jacobs Field. Twins 1, Cleveland 2.
We at Team Batgirl are at a complete loss for what to do in Batgirl’s absence. We wait for letters from France where she is doing her USO (United Sass Organization) show, and we write her plenty of letters, too. We order pizza for most meals, but promised Batgirl not to eat too many Cheetos like we did the last time she left. It must be said that we fight a little over who gets to run the Tivo remote during games and who gets to wear the official Twins spring training t-shirt signed by Lew Ford (BatKitty #1 has won it a couple days in a row—she bites HARD).
But today we decided that the best way to make the time go faster while Batgirl is gone was to do something constructive. From the way Batkitty #2 was looking at us, we knew that he was thinking, “you could clean the Snickers wrappers off of the BatQuarters floor.” But he doesn’t appreciate that those wrappers are sort of a collection...or a kind of record of...the number of Snickers we ate while Batgirl was gone. Anyhoo, we decided to do something constructive to make the time pass, so we settled on inventing a mind-reading machine.
First, we got out Sooz’s collection of “Mr. Wizard” tapes. Great: Principles of physics mastered. Then we got out Goober’s complete set of "Slim Goodbody" tapes. Excellent: Principles of neurobiology grasped. I ran out to Radio Shack--with a quick stop off at Dairy Queen--and returned with all the components we needed.
Once assembled, we tested it by aiming the thing at BatKitty #2. All we got at first was static, but we adjusted the Flux Capacitor (sort of the secret to the whole thing) and started reading a lot of muttered disapproval so we knew it was all set!
We then climbed to the top of the BatQuarters and aimed our new BatNeuralReceptorTron toward Cleveland.
It was fascinating reading the thoughts of various players throughout the game, but we thought we’d offer you the transcript from one key moment that sort of summed up the whole game. It was the top of the ninth. The game had been well-played all around. The Twins trailed 1-2. With one out, Torii Hunter came to the plate to face the dastardly Bob Wickman.
BOOM! Torii cranks it.
The BatNeuralReceptorTron transcript follows:
Torii Hunter: Get out!
Kyle Lohse: If this goes out, my dreams won't be haunted by Peralta’s checked-swing “hit” that led to the go-ahead run!
C.C. Sabathia: If this goes into extra innings, the Culver’s will be closed. That means NO BUTTERBURGERS for me! No! God, no...
Torii Hunter: The wind's blowing in from right field...
Lew Ford: Wait a second... I think I've figured out how to get past level 9 of Castlevania IV! My god, it's all so simple if you simply attach the Jewel of the Shaman to the hilt of your Vorpal Blade...
Torii Hunter: Is it...?
Shannon Stewart: Jeez, that Slim Goodbody show used to freak the crap out of me. That suit. Was he supposed to be naked or just devoid of skin...I don't know what's worse. ...Oh...Get out, ball!
Kyle Lohse: Seven hits, only two runs... Batgirl's gonna be proud of me, but...
Steve Liddle: Wait a sec... I think we have some spare bionic parts for Koskie in a box some where...I should tell Toronto. ...Get out, ball!
Torii Hunter: Is it...?
Ron Gardenhire: Oh well, game of inches. Only a brood of evil gods could have invented a game in which the difference between success and failure is routinely a matter of a few inches, but that's what makes its particpants and fans a noble breed.
Kyle Lohse, J.C. Romero, Jacque Jones, Lew Ford, Shannon Stewart, Scott Ulger, Juan Castro, Rick Stelmaszek, Ron Gardenhire: Great job, Torii, I'm proud of you.