Seattle at Twins. Twins 5, Mariners 1.

Short, short tonight. Batgirl and Jeb spent the evening at the Dakota listening to Cyrus Chestnut and James Carter rock the freakin' house. Mr. Carter wore a red silk suit with black pinstripes and Batgirl thinks everyone should have one of those, especially Mr. Johan K. Santana, who would look mighty fine, Batgirl thinks, in such a suit. We almost saw it, too; apparently the quartet's drummer dropped out due to a profound case of existential despair and Mr. Chestnut called Mr. Santana and asked him to play the drums for them tonight. And Johan said, "Oh, Cyrus, there is nothing I would like more than to lend the rhythm to your funkarhythmia, for your jazz music stirs the fire in my blood and I play drums like I make love, which is to say excellently, but you see Cyrus—I have a game to pitch."

Oh, yes, Johan Santana had a game to pitch. Enough of these off-season cobwebs, this World PP Classic hangover, because his team needs him even more than Cyrus Chestnut did, because they have been very very very bad at baseball, and what we needed was someone to step up and—well, stop sucking.

And the Twins followed—there were hits, palpable hits, RBIs by Punto and Hunter and White and timely Morneau and Mauer hits and balls dropping in front of people and four whole runs in one inning. Sure, Jarrod Washburn sat down something like 16 Twins in a row, but you know what? It doesn't matter. If you recall from last season Batgirl was quite clear—we can strike out, pop out, foul out, ground out as many times as we want as long as we score four runs a game. This all seemed like a perfect strategy at the time because how many times is the Twins pitching staff going to give up five runs a game, huh?

Huh?

But tonight, four runs was an orgy of excess, because tonight we were in the hands of Mr. Johan Santana who strode up to the mound in his red silk suit, under which he wore absolutely nothing at all, and he said, Hello. I am in charge. The adults are here now, we are in control, and I pitch like I make love, which is to say, totally awesomely, and I am Johan Santana, and I am here to make you sit down.