Twins at Baltimore. Orioles 4, Twins 2.

I'm still trying to figure out why the Twins looked so gosh darned silly in the powder blue uniforms for retro night at Camden Yards. Perhaps it was because it was apparently cool in the 70's to have your short shirt sleeves hang a couple inches past your elbows, making every Twin look about 6 inches shorter. (Little Nicky Punto had to wear his rolled up since he doesn't have any inches to spare.) Perhaps it was because the things were so darned baggy—strange, you'd think if anything they'd be too small, as baseball players have gotten noticeably larger since Kent Hrbek first wore the old uniform (of course, so has Hrbie); maybe the manufacturers just decided to make them all "real huge" to compensate. ("Hey, Larry, these measurements can't be right! Double 'em!") So everyone was walking around looking like they'd been invited to a powder blue pajama party—all we needed was Jacque Jones to unroll some Strawberry Shortcake sleeping bags, Hunter to call for 100 anchovy pizzas delivered to the Bitch Sox clubhouse, and Doug Mientkiewicz to get Lew Ford in some hot water with the Dept. of Justice during a round of "Truth or Dare."

Maybe it was because the whole retro-thing didn't seem to extend to the caps—why, Batgirl cannot guess. Does Carl "Anyone Got Any Kitten Blood, I'm thirsty?" Pohlad pass some sort of imperial decree that red hats can only be worn on Sundays at the Dome under penalty of ruthless penny pinching? Or did the clubhouse guy run out of room in his luggage after packing all of Dougie's bubble gum? Or, since we were being all '70s, did someone decide the red hats were too commie? Whatever the reason, the Twins were wearing modern dark blue caps with retro light blue uniforms and that, as BatMom will tell you, is a serious fashion no no.

What Not To Wear: Special Twins Edition:
"Dude, we have some serious work to do on you."

Also, whatever was supposed to happen with the socks, some people didn't get the memo. Matt LeCroy, Terry Mulholland, and, of course, Dougie Defence tucked their pants into their hiked-up white socks and black stirrups, Punto, Jones, and Ford wore their pants tucked into hiked-up black socks, while Hunter, Stewart, and Morneau wore their pants in such a way that left their choice of ankle wear ambiguous.

So, anyway, on to the important questions, like—how did sock choice affect performance? It seemed at first the Black Socks might prevail (oh, no, no, not the 1919 Chicago team that threw the World Series, dooming the franchise to ignominy for the rest of time. I mean the Twins players who wore black socks. Of course, the socks might have even been navy blue, Batgirl couldn't really tell. But anyway, she meant the Twins, not the infamous and disgraceful Chicago Black Sox. Very sorry if there was any confusion.) Where was I? Oh yes, it seemed the Black-or-Navy-Blue-Socks might prevail, what with Justin Morneau continuing his hitting streak with a sharp single to the opposite field in the first (That guy is an opposite field fiend!) then getting an RBI later in the game. But later the scales tilted toward the Stirrup Boyz; it seemd they were going to prevail—after all, Terry Mulholland pitched six fairly solid innings and Matt LeCroy got the Twins' first RBI.

But whatever points LeCroy may have given to the S.B. posse were quickly deducted by a series of shoddy defensive plays late in the game that just might ensure him a nice warm place on the bench next to Jose Offerman. First, in the 7th he couldn't quite manage a perfect Torii Hunter throw to allow the go-ahead run to cross the plate. (To be fair, it did bounce funny off the pitcher's mound, and Karim Garcia did put his knee in Matty's face.) But then in the 8th with Tejada trying to steal second he lofted the ball right back to Torii in center, allowing this little Miggy to run wee wee wee all the way home. Torii's throw that time was a little off center, but one wonders if a catcher who was a little, um, lighter on his feet might have been able to make the play.

The Twins had their chances against Sidney Ponson, who's having a long national nightmare of a season. (Batgirl was going to call Ponson "Fathead" until she learned that, because he's from Aruba and part of the great Dutch empire, Ponson was recently made a knight in Netherlands and so Batgirl wanted to call him Sir Fathead until she learned that his weight is a big issue and then she felt kind of bad. Batgirl wasn't criticizing his weight, she was merely making fun of what a fat head he has. See?) And the whole go-ahead run thing was set up by a blown call by the second base ump, calling that same Karim Garcia safe at second when Punto had clearly kept his foot on the bag. Which, if my count is right , makes Umps 4, Twins 1 this year, and I look forward to that balancing out as the season goes on.

But basically, this wasn't the Twins' night, either sabermetrically or sartorially. Batgirl only hopes the players don't lose too much sleep tonight tailoring their uniforms so they don't look like her eighth grade softball team on steroids. But losing a little might be okay.