Kansas City at Twins. Twins 3, Landed Gentry 2.

Poor Mike Sweeney.

I mean, there are so many reasons you could say that, but tonight because he hit a sure double off Johan Santana with two outs in the eighth, and when you're a Royal there's very little reason to get out bed in the morning, and that's the sort of thing that the next day you could say, "Well, hell, I got a double off Johan Santana, I guess today I can get up and face the world, at least for a few hours," and that, when you are a member of the Kansas City Landed Gentry, is something worth fighting for.

But no. Alas. For there are forces in this world we must reckon with, and some of them are small forces that don't even have their own orbit, but that doesn't mean they're not mighty in their own way, that doesn't mean that when Mike Sweeney hits a double down the third base line that force isn't going to tumble around for awhile, gobble up that ball (and in the good sense, not in the Jimmy "Gobble" Gobble sense) and, sounding its barbaric yawp over the roofs of the world, send it hurling through space to beat out Mike Sweeney by a step. And if you were Mike Sweeney you might then jump up and down a little bit, you might tense your muscles into a little ball, you might even drop an F-Bomb or two (and not in the good sense) because you've just had your whole reason for getting up the next day thwarted by something that's not even a full-fledged planet anymore, but a dwarf planet, which is just so patronizing, I mean they couldn't have come up with a new name, they had to simple add some kind of diminutive that means the thing is sub, lesser, unworthy, while still containing the word "planet" as a constant mocking reminder of the glory that once was? That's who took away your reason to live?

Okay, I mean, we shouldn’t pick on Mike Sweeney, the poor dear's suffered enough. It's just Batgirl isn't herself. The truth is, Batgirl hates playing the Royals. Two of the most painful games in the past two seasons have been against them, and we weren't even at .500 against them when this series started, and every time you lose to the Royals a little piece of you dies, and we only have so many pieces left, you know? We did live through last year, after all. See, you feel like it's supposed to be easy, and then it's not, and then by the third inning if you're not ahead you're like OH MY GOD WHAT IF WE LOSE TO THE ROYALS and then all your muscles get tensed up and you begin sweating and cramping and speaking in tongues and it's damned hard to play baseball that way (Just ask Jason Giambi.) and the next thing you know you can't get out of bed in the morning, because people will know, they'll see the shame on your face, they'll point and laugh and say you lost to the Royals! and you'll say I know! I know! SHUT UP! I HATE YOU! and then there will be this whole shame spiral thing and really, it's better to just stay in bed.

So Batgirl would like to humbly suggest we spend the next two games getting about 10 run leads by the third inning, and everyone can pad their offensive stats and Batgirl will be happy, and then of course everyone's happy, except Mike Sweeney who will be sad, but, you know, that's pretty much going to happen anyway.

BatNotes: It's killing Batgirl that she can't go to the game on Thursday and cheer on Bradke. Please, go for her. Bring your signs and stand and cheer your heads off when he takes the mound, and when they take him out, whether in triumph or with one less arm, stand and cheer for him again.

Quick BatLinks:: From the Times: In Wacky Season, Twins Rely on Pitcher with Screwball Name. Third Base Line's got some pictures of the celebration. Jesse doesn't seem to like Esteban German, Mr. Baseball sings the praises of Bart, and Aaron documents el Presidente's achievements. Check out Viva Rivas's , and Thank You Brian Sabean's celebration of another Sabean Special. And if you're not following games with Pulling a Blyleven, your life is empty.

Also, new in the BatStore:

That's "You Can't Handle the Boof," which Batgirl and Jeb are going to learn a lot about next year, tagline courtesy of Adidasman. Click on the BatKitty to the left to visit the BatStore.