Editor's Note: Through top secret sources, including but not limited to certain Hollywood luminaries and her connections in the Japanese mafia, Batgirl has been able to obtain some of the early correspondence between Derek Jeter and Jessica Biel. As a service to you, her beloved readers, Batgirl has typed in the letters for your edification, and will be publishing them a little at a time. She expects no compensation—the knowledge that she is contributing to the advancement of scholarship is reward enough.
19 November, 2006My dearest Jessica,
I hope you do not think me too forward, but ever since the night we passed together at the club Hyde where I first held your lily white hand, I can think of nothing but what it might be like to hold it again.
Oh! So bold you say! I can see your girlish cheeks flush now. But, you must understand, the very thought—Oh, Derek, you say. Too much! too fast! I am a lady! Je suis une femme!--only increases my ardor. For it is your very propriety, your modesty, your grace—it is that very flush of your cheeks that makes me lose all of my reason. Oh, Jessica, Jessica!
I know I am not worthy of you. I know it with every beat of my too-too-sullied heart. And yet the philosophers tell us that to love someone, truly and wholly, is to transcend this mess of skin and bone and sin and become something greater than ourselves, that we reach humanity's most noble state. It is in that way that I approach you, Yankee cap in my hand, not as myself, but as a transcendent being, who—through love, through you—has only now discovered what it means to live. To live! To love! To live!
My heart, my heart,
Derek20 November,
Dear Derek,
Thank you for your letter dated 19 November. I hardly know how to reply. I must admit to a certain quickening of my heart when I read your words, but I cannot condone such ardor. I, too, felt the connexion between us, but we must not pursue this further, for I see a great danger ahead. My reputation is everything to me, and while it is tempting to throw it all away, to lose oneself in the sincerest longings of one's own heart, we must remember our place.
I ask you to respect my wishes.
My best,
Jessica
21 NovemberMy dearest love,
Ah, you are cold. Your words wound me to the quick, but perhaps that was their intent? Perhaps you wish me to lay my whole heart bare before you, so you can examine its true qualities and judge its worthiness that way? In which case I say, wound away, I relish the opportunity, for it gives me the tiniest morsel of hope that you are considering my suit. And the tiniest morsel is a banquet to a starving man.
In fact, I shall save you the trouble. Come to me, my love, and I shall open up my chest and rip out my heart and present it to you for your examination. Do not spare it. Look into its darkest corners, its deepest recesses, use your finest skills of analysis, spare it no judgment. I know you shall find it wanting, but I know it is my only chance, my love, to call you my love.
It has been two days since I have seen you, and already I grow restless. I long to look into your bottomless eyes again. Might you—perhaps—favor me with a picture? I can gaze upon it and become somehow edified by your very image. If so, I shall be sated, at least for a time.
Yours, in agony,
Derek
22 NovemberDear Derek,
At your request, I have enclosed a photograph of myself, it is just a trifle taken for a literary periodical called Maxim. I hope it provides you with the solace you need. I beg you to remember my position. It is not a world for lovers. Perhaps someday it shall be, but for now we must remember ourselves.
Until then, I remain,
Jessica
Will Jessica relent? Stay tuned.
From Page 2: The Midwest is Best.
Did you get your Hall of Fame Ballot in the mail? Here it is. Should be a nice, quiet year with no controversies whatsoever.
The Times cries foul on the Great MVP Crisis.
Cool baseball-related reading in NYC.
Batgirl's been participating all season as a guest writer in the Wall Street Journal Online's Daily Fix Baseball Contest, in which preseason picks are made, analyzed, and then apologized for. She is most pleased to report her picks garnered her second place, behind esteemed Will Leitch, which just goes to show you even a blind horse is going to find water sometime. Did you guys know there was a National League?
From the AP:JERUSALEM, SUNDAY NOVEMBER 26
In a shocking move, the Great God Jehovah issued a press release announcing his intention to destroy humanity in a great flood after last week's upset in the AL MVP race. New York Yankee Derek Jeter was expected to be the winner, as much for a lifetime achievement award as his performance this year, but was upset in a narrow vote by Canadian Mountie Justin Morneau.
"For I am a vengeful God," said God, also known as Y----h, "and this just blows."
"It is clearly an anti-Yankee bias," continued God. When asked how that could be when Jeter's teammate, Mr. Alex Rodriguez, won the award the previous year God said, "Yes, but no one likes him."
"I mean, Derek Jeter won a Gold Glove. And if any award is an objective measure of someone's worth, it's the Gold Glove."
Some outside of ESPN and God have commented that Mr. Jeter was one of several good candidates for the award this year, and Mr. Jeter's narrow loss is not the total outrage it might seem. Those people have been smited.
God, who would not give his age, last flooded the world on Saturday, November 6, in the year 2343 BC, after disgust with what mankind had become after the fall of Eden. Humanity only survived because God told one virtuous man, Noah, and his wife to build an ark. When asked whether he might pick one lucky survivor this time, God nodded.
"I think we all know who that will be," he said with a wink. "And he's dating Jessica Biel, so the third age of humanity is going to be muy hot."
During the Great Deluge, God promised Noah he would never flood the world again. When questioned, God said, "Yes, but I didn't expect something like this to happen."
When given a copy of the press release, a spokesman for humanity said, "Oh, shit."
Batgirl has to interrupt her secure, undisclosed Thanksgiving vacation, because Dr. Morneau is not only the Boyfriend of the Year, but the AL MVP.
Batgirl will be offline until after the holiday, so she'll take this opportunity now to wish you a happy Tofurky Day. Batgirl would like to give thanks for the BatFamily and BabyBoof and the BatKitties Three, for all the wonderful Batlings, and for Johan Santana, who gives us all a reason to get out of bed in the morning.
yummmmmm
Your 2006 Cy Young. By, once again, a unanimous vote.
(And no, Batgirl will never get tired of that picture.)
Well, Cuddles was married last weekend. You can visit his Knot.com page here. Looks like Big Crawdaddy was a groomsman. You can also peruse their registry. Team Batgirl, whose invitations must have gotten lost in the mail, got them a lovely batter ladle--because Cuddy is such a good batter, natch.
Chairman Mauer will be on ESPN's SportsNation chat this afternoon at 1:30 CST. Something to pass the time while we wait for Johan's Cy Young.
Choi Hoon's 2006 cartoons are up. Below is one dedicated to Johan Santana. Batgirl's Korean is a little rusty, but I think it says that he's awesome.
There is also an ALDS one. Below is the Twins portion. It's far less painful in Korean.
And be sure to check out the AJ one which doesn't really need any translation.
FROM THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
In a stunning move this weekend, Twins GM Terry Ryan put in a request with Bud Selig to switch to the National League."I was speaking to Tony LaRussa, and he mentioned that during interleague play it was a real burden to find someone to write in as DH. And I was like, tell me about it! And that got me thinking."
The move makes a certain amount of sense, as finding a traditional player to fill the DH role has not been a priority for the Twins. The Twins' competition has spent their offseasons signing big names to DH, including Jim Thome last year and now Gary Sheffield for the Tigers. "I wanted to play for the Twins," said Thome. "But they told me they just wouldn't know what to do with a real DH."
"Other clubs might like those big flashy players that hit lots of home runs and drive people in and generally help increase your odds of scoring more runs than the other team, and thus, winning," said Ryan, "but we find it all rather…immodest. It's so much more interesting to try to win when you don't waste a line-up spot with a real RBI guy. Plus, a lot of teams don't realize that it's a great way to get another back-up utility outfielder's bat in the line up.
But Ryan seemed very excited about the idea of using that extra spot for a pitcher. "It's just so much more interesting when you've got one guy in there who's total dead weight. We've tried to bring some of that over here, but there's really more opportunities for that in the NL.
"Anyway," Ryan added, "I think we could get the same production out of most of our pitchers as we have at the DH spot, so that would be a real advantage for us."
FROM THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
The baseball world waits with bated breath for the results of the Daisuke Matsuzaka sweepstakes. On Wednesday, several baseball teams submitted bids for the right to negotiate with the Japanese star.Under the Japan League system, a player who has not yet earned free agency can only go to the majors if his team makes him available. Major League teams can then bid on the rights to negotiate with the player.
The highest payday previously has been Ichiro Suzuki, who cost the Seattle Mariners $13 million in bidding rights alone. The payout for Matsuzaka is expected to be much higher, perhaps in the jillions.
The price tag is going to be tough for any team, but it did not deter the Yankees, who sent Derek Jeter to deliver the bid in tight pants. The Mets countered by oiling up David Wright and sending him in wearing nothing but a little red bow.
Other teams have tried to find more creative solutions for raising the requisite cash. "It's going to be hard for us to come up with a competitive bid, but we're starting by putting Derrik Lee up on eBay."
Another GM was said to include several of his children in the bid to work as vassals. "I'll miss them a lot," said the GM, who wished to remain anonymous, "but you can't overvalue pitching these days.
As for the Twins, they would not let the opportunity to shore up their fragile pitching rotation pass them by. "I put in $50," said Terry Ryan. "It would hurt us, of course, but with a player of that caliber you have to take a hit."
Meanwhile, Matzuka's team, the Seibu Lions, are anxiously awaiting news of the winning bid. With the money, the Lions plan to buy themselves a solid gold stadium, and also a pony.
"Actually," admitted one Japan League official, "we made the whole negotiating fee thing up. We just wanted to see how much we could get some jerk to pay."
Well, the Batgirl ticket didn't do very well yesterday. Not a single Twin was elected to public office, except for Luis Rodriguez's suprise appointment to the soil and water board. Nonetheless, the Chairman's goodwill tour of Japan is going extremely well, as his bat spreads its benevolence all over the land of the rising sun.
Thanks to Mets Grrl for the picture.
Meanwhile, Batgirl is reeling from the devestating news that Britney and Kevin are divorcing. If those two kids can't make it in this crazy world, what hope is there for you and me?
Ah, another election day. With Santana/Nathan reaching the 2 year point in their glorious reign as president and VP of the United States of Batgirl, it's time to elect more Twins to office. After carefully considering the qualifications and skills of each Twin, Batgirl has settled on the following ballot for her party. Remember: Vote.
Senate: Boof Bonser (Because Senator Boof is just too cool.)
House: Mike Redmond (Smell this, Congress!)
Secretary of State: Joe Mauer (The Chairman lets the people vote!)
Attorney General: Juan "The Smiling Assassin" Rincon (Laying down the law, one strikeout at a time.)
State Legislature: Little Nicky Punto (Because the state legislature is kind of miniature.)
Hennepin County Attorney: Andy Luger (Actually running. Friend of Goober. Endorsed by Batgirl!)
Sheriff: Justin Morneau (Mountie training.)
Here Comes Santa Pronk.
FROM AP:
MINNEAPOLIS, MN-When they announced the Rawlings Gold Glove Award winners yesterday, at least one player was not surprised."They give this damned thing to me every year," said Jim Kaat.
Kaat, who this year won for the 32nd time, says he's started to bury the awards in his backyard.
"I used to try to give 'em away," he said, "but then I ran out of people to give them to. Charities didn't want 'em anymore. During the 90's I tried melting them down, but it turns out they're made out of some alloy and soylent green, so that didn't really work."
The Gold Glove Award, voted on by managers and coaches, has occasionally garnered criticism for being more about reputation than actual performance. But that's ridiculous, said one manager. "These guys are winning every year because they're the best. You can't fault consistency. I don't even have to watch them play anymore, I can just close my eyes and I know what they're going to do."
In Kaat's case, managers praised his uncanny skill with the glove. "I know he's been retired for a long time," said another manager, "but he still possesses this cat-like quickness with the ball. Why, I remember this one play he made in the 70's, when Nixon had just resigned, I've never seen anything like it..."
"Without him playing anymore, of course, we can't judge by his actual fielding performance, but it's the intangibles that really put him over the others," agreed another. "Anyway, I wouldn't have any idea who else to vote for."
Still, some people have grumbled that Kaat, who retired from the game in 1983, should no longer be eligible for the award. Most notably Kaat himself.
"Please," he said, "please. Stop giving it to me. What do I have to do?"
Thanks to Al for the inspiration for this entry.
Batgirl's Law, Number 37:
Any system that gives Joe Buck a chance at the Hall of Fame is pretty much a flawed system.