Batgirl

Once More Into the Breech, My Friends

My dears,
Batgirl will be doing very occasional posts on MN Gameday. Here is her view of the Delmon Young trade.

With love,
Batgirl

All Good Things...

My darlings,

The time has come to end this wonderful adventure. I had hoped to be able to keep it up with Dash, but I simply do not have time to do this blog well, and there is no point in doing it any other way.

In the three years since Goober said, "Hey, why don't you start a Twins blog?" I've had so much fun with this, even during the time of greatest suck. It's been wonderful playing with all of you. I will miss this, very much.

The BatStore will remain open for awhile more. Batgirl might pop in on Gameday every once in awhile. If you would like to keep track of publications and readings by Batgirl's close personal friend, please sign up for the mailing list at the bottom of the page here. If you enjoyed The Shadow Thieves or if you would like to help feed Baby Dash, please check out , out June 5. Come to a reading this summer and say hi.

BabyDash is doing wonderfully, and is our miracle. He is just about over all of his preemie issues, and is actually on the growth charts for his age. We have strapped down his right hand in hopes he will provide for us in our dotage. BatMom is teaching him everything she knows.

Thank you for reading and for sharing this with me. Remember, that it's only a game but it's the best game on earth and it's our privilege to watch it, that everything looks better in Legos, and that the word "ass" is inherently funny. And do Batgirl a favor--when your favorite player strikes out with the bases loaded or muffs a bunt or walks a guy in and the crowd around you boos, I want you to stand up and shout at the top of your lungs, heart bursting with unconditional love, THAT'S MY BOYFRIEND.

Thank you all.

BatHousehunting

Batgirl kept waiting for a BOD to mention this, but since we seem to keep failing to win, she's failed. Batgirl, Jeb, and BabyDash are in Cleveland househunting for the weekend, and will be back mid next week, just before the Twins actually arrive in Cleveland. Tip: after about seven hours, babies really don't like to be in the car anymore. Any househunting tips? And what should she do if she sees CC Sabathia?

And, for your reading pleasure, The Minnesota Twins and The Hold Steady

And, some BatMail:

Dear Bat Girl, While attending the May 8 game against the White Sox (yes, that delicious outing when Morneau bookended the first and the tenth with solo home runs), I decided to listen oh-so-closely to catch the lyrics to the second verse of our anthem. Alas, even though the crowd was only in the low 20,000's, I couldn't make out the words.. Do YOU know the lyrics to the second verse of our sacred song?

And this is awesome. H/t to Frightwig:

ROGER CLEMENS' CORPSE TO JOIN YANKEES

From the AP:

When the New York Yankees reanimated Roger Clemens' desiccated corpse during the seventh inning stretch of yesterday's game, no one expected that corpse to join the starting rotation.

But that's just what happened. In front of 52,345 cheering fans, Clemens' corpse got up and announced that he would be returning to the team that got him his last championship.

"Thanks, y'all," said the corpse. "Well, they came and got me out of my grave to pitch, so here I am!"

It was a shocking announcement, considering Clemens' corpse had embarked on a highly publicized farewell tour the year before. But some people just won't stay buried.

Yankees owner George Steinbrenner, 167, "Roger Clemens has the winningest corpse in baseball," he said. "We're proud to add that corpse to our team, no matter what it smells like."

While some in baseball grumbled that there was something distasteful about Clemens' corpse continually sitting out part of the baseball season, Yankee fans were ebullient. "If he wants to come out of retirement midseason to help his old team, that's fine," said one. "Anyway, I just don't think it's fair to ask him to play the whole season. I mean, he's dead."

Others say trotting out Clemens' corpse midseason shows a hint of desperation for the Yankees, who have not won a championship since 2000. And the $754 billion salary the corpse will receive raised eyebrows around the league.

"Small market teams can't compete with something like that," said one general manager. "You reanimate a desiccated corpse and pay him $750 billion, you have to ask yourself where it will end."

"The Boss just wants to win," said a fan.

"Roger Clemens' corpse just loves baseball," the pitcher's spokesman announced in an official statement. "At least for part of the summer. Too much of it in one year gets really old, you know?"

BabyDash Update

As you can see, we are in the early process of teaching Baby Dash to throw a change-up lefthanded. So far, it is going extremely well and we expect him to master the pitch sometime in 2027.

Dash is doing wonderfully. He is putting on more weight than Dennys Sampler Reyes, and is right where he should be for a baby of his gestational age (if he had been born when he was supposed to be). He has a few lingering prematurity issues, but nothing that isn't expected to go away. And he is a superstar--very patient with us as we bumble around trying to figure out this parenthood thing. And he lets his mom listen to the Twins on the XM most nights.

A big BatThankYou to everyone who gave to Batgirl's WalkAmerica drive. Batgirl was sitting in a pharmacy one day and saw a commercial that began talking about the number of babies born prematurely every year and the risks involved, and she began to weep harder than during last year's postseason. The commercial was for March of Dimes and their efforts to help premature babies, and she vowed then to participate in WalkAmerica. Thanks in large part to Batlings, she has raised almost $4000 for Saturday's walk. An extra-huge thank you to JimCrikket for his extremely generous matching grant challenge.

Double Trouble: a reenactment

Thursday night's game featured a double play so bizarre mere words cannot describe it. In case you missed it, here is a reenactment, using Legos.

It's the ninth inning. In the eighth, the Rays put a two-spot on the board to tie the game. Ben Zobrist led off the inning with a single off Joe Nathan.

With Zobrist on first, Joe Nathan pitches to Rays speedster Carl Crawford.

It's over Cuddy's head! The ball bounces off the baggie and Cuddy fields it. How many bases can Crawford get?

The base coach sensibly holds Zobrist up at third, so there will be runners on second and third with no outs.

But Crawford doesn't see. He's thinking triple, and runs through second.

Crap!

Zobrist has no choice but to break for home, but he's caught in a rundown.

Mauer tags him out.

Crawford, who would have been safe at third, bails back for second…

…where he is tagged out. Double play.

Rays Manager Joe Madden cannot believe his eyes.

Carl Crawford commits ritual suicide.

A Special Message

From: Dashiell J. Batbaby
To: Riley Grace Nathan

Re: Our love

(Please have your dad put on some Barry White for background music. He can get it from Juan Rincon.)

Baby,

I heard about you being born and all and I knew the time was right to tell you how I feel. You and I've got something very special and I know it's meant to be.

We got a lot in common, girl. Your daddy's pretty twitchy and my mom's a nervous wreck. Your dad likes to sit down the bitches and my mom just wants to sit down. So why don't you flash that toothless smile my way, yeah baby.

I know you, girl. You got stars in your eyes and meconium in your diapers. I know you weren't born yesterday. You were born the day before yesterday. You've been around the block. You know the score. You know it's meant to be. You and me, we were born be together. Don't fight it, baby.

I got something for you, girl. Papa was going to buy me a mocking bird but the damn thing didn’t sing so he got me something else I think you'll like. So why don't you come on over to my crib, and I'll fix us a bottle of something nice. I got some nice cool Desitin and plastic keys to jingle and I'll teach you how to land your fist in your mouth. Try it, girl, I think you'll like it.

Awww, don’t cry, baby. I got a box full of pacifiers, a bouncie chair that vibrates, and nowhere to be. That's all I got to say, girl. You know where you can find me. I'll be waiting here by the fire. I might fall asleep a little bit but I should be up in three hours precisely. I'll be here for you, girl.

Yours Hungrily,
DJB

The Catcher in the Raw, by Mike Redmond

For Herb Carneal, please see the previous entry.

This entry written by Kurtis, who would like to take JD Salinger to a baseball game.

If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you probably want to know is my PECOTA and my VORP, and how I did in the minors, and what I contributed to the World Series I won with the Marlins, and all that Bill James kind of crap, but I don’t feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth. In the first place, that stuff bores the hell out of me, and in the second place, you have to do math. Anyway, I’m not going to tell you my whole goddamned life story. I’m just going to tell you about this madman stuff that happened the last week of Spring Training.

We were hanging out in the clubhouse in Fort Myers, a few days before we broke camp. The game was supposed to be a very big deal because the Mayor’s Cup was on the line, which goes to whoever wins more games between us and the Red Sox, and we were supposed to commit suicide or something if the old Twins didn’t win.

Johan was our starting pitcher. He was walking around saying "Happy Birthday" to everybody. Sometimes you meet a guy who says "Happy Birthday," all the time, like he's really sincere and everything, and maybe he is, but he knows it's not your goddamned birthday, and he says it anyway. Also, Torii was sitting there, playing cards with Joe Mauer, because Torii got hit in the head by a pitch a few weeks ago and for some reason he blames the lights, even though it was Kyle Lohse who smacked him in the head. Baseball players are funny like that. Joe was playing cards because he had a bum leg and was trying to get better. The entire team was ready to walk off the pier at Fort Myers Beach and drown in the Gulf if Joe didn’t get better in time for the home opener, and let me tell you, I would have led the charge. So that’s why I had to start the game instead of old Joe.

"Hey Joe," I said. "You know back in Minneapolis, how those geese are all over Nicollet island? What happens to those geese in the winter?"

He shrugged and kept playing his card game, like he didn’t care a bit about those geese on Nicollet island. Lately I’d just been kind of wondering about the geese and what happens to them in the winter. I thought I’d ask someone when I get back to Minneapolis.

The pitcher for them was Schilling, who only has one more World Series ring than me, and doesn’t even have a Cy Young yet. He’s one of those guys who takes himself very seriously, even a little bit too seriously, if you know what I mean. He did just fine, though, and we couldn’t do anything against him, and Johan was off his game and the umpires were a bunch of lousy bastards and we lost the game 5-4. We also lost that Mayor's Cup. It was pretty depressing.

Some of those other guys were looking pretty glum in the clubhouse, and they were starting to make me feel glum, if you know what I mean. I sort of went off to be myself, and thought about sending old Pudge Rodriquez an email, but I really wasn't in the mood. You have to be in the mood for that kind of thing. Instead, I took a quick shower, and came out wearing nothing but a smile and a little water, and went out to talk to those guys.

"Did you ever see that movie The Natural," I asked them. They all said they had except for LeCroy, who said he didn’t want to see it because it was rated PG and had mild profanity and adult themes.

"Well, what do you think that title means?" I asked those kids. "What do you think it means to be a Natural?" They just shook their heads, like they didn't know what I was talking about, and you know what? They didn't. They don't teach you any of the important stuff at school, even if you go to a great school like Gonzaga. They just teach you how to convert decimals to fractions, which is why I can tell you my batting average is 341 one hundredths, and a bunch of other crap you never use like the capital of Togo, which is Lomé, and the theme of Macbeth,;which is that vaulting ambition o'erleaps itself and falls on th'other.

"This is natural,” I told them, even though they wouldn't look at me. "Get natural," I told them. Eventually they get it, and they get natural too --even LeCroy, which wasn’t half as bad as you might think. A couple of minutes later, we were out taking BP, the natural way. Venafro pitched and the rest of us were batting, and I swear to God, every time somebody jacked one over the fence, there were explosions and lights, just like in the movie.

"See what I mean?" I told them. “This is what The Natural is all about.”

That was when the field lights snapped back on, and I remembered there was always fireworks after night games in Fort Myers, and there were all kinds of people in the stands. So were standing out there like a bunch of lunatics while all these rubes kind of gaped at us, and you could tell they were totally scandalized. God, I wish you could have been there.

That's all I’m going to tell you. If I wanted to, I could tell you how Gardy just about had a brain hemorrhage when he found out, and sent everyone down to the minors but me, but I don't feel like it right now. For one thing, it's boring, and for another, if I started talking about it, I'd get to missing everybody. I sort of miss everybody I used to play with. Even old Venafro and LeCroy. I think I even miss that goddamn Lyle. Don’t ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody.

Into the Lion's Den?

The BatTrain is leaving the station once again--Jeb has been given a job at Case Western in Cleveland, OH, and we'll be going there this summer. Of course, we'd love to be in Minnesota and if anyone could arrange a job at Macalester for Jeb we'd be extremely grateful. Nonethless, we're excited about Cleveland, where we will get to see the Twins 10 times a year. But, we have one great concern:

How do we keep BabyDash from getting eaten by CC Sabathia?

Any thoughts/strategies you have would be most appreciated. One thing we're never going to do is dress him like a cheeseburger.

On another note, if anyone has read any books nominated for Minnesota Book Awards this year, you can vote for your favorite on the PiPress's crappy new website here.

A Special Message

To: Mr. Ron Gardenhire
From: Dashiell J. Batbaby

So, Mr. Gardenhire, look, I was reading LaVelle E. Neal III's web log the other day and I came across
this entry.

Seriously. I almost spit up. You've got Garza, who my mom calls Macho Matt for reasons I can't completely parse and I don't think she can either, and Glen "I'd Sure Like to Stop at" Perkins is pitching like, well, Macho Matt Garza, and you go with option C, Attitudy McFatHead? Both these guys will be in the rotation anyway once you release Ponson and trade the Jackal to Cincinnati.

My mom says that your preference for veterans has been noted in the blogosphere. And I understand. Veterans are great. My parents, for instance, are not veterans and they have no idea what the #@$@#$@ they're doing. At the same time, rookies are not necessarily total #@$# I'm a rookie, and I can pitch better than Ponson.

You know how sometimes you relive patterns in your life? Like in the hospital nursery some girl breaks your heart and then all the babes after that are just like her, every time you find someone different, really it's the same girl, but that girl was a mistake, all burbles and coos and come hither looks, and you'd come hither and then she'd just crap all over you, and I'm like, why don't you just put on some damned Pampers anyway? They're free. So it's the same girl, the same mistake, again and again and again, and what I'm saying is maybe the whole T-Fat thing should have been enough to make you recognize that there was an issue here.

Look. Everybody's a rookie some time. And sometimes, I know it might sound crazy-ass nuts, but sometimes rookie pitchers are better than veteran pitchers, like--oh, say, Liriano being better than Kyle Lohse. I don't know who Kyle Lohse is, but he sounds very, very scary.

Everyone's got their little things, M. Gardenhire. My mom thinks I like to be dressed in cute little outfits with bear ears on them. I don't. I mean, would you? So sometimes we have to recognize our little things so we can move past them and help lead our ballclub onto victory, and not just late season victory, but consistent season-long, totally-devoid-of-sucking time victory. Come on, Mr. Gardenhire. For the Twins! For the country! For adorable preemies everywhere!

What the hell is going on?

Seriously. Batgirl's been very negligent in her duties and has barely had time to peruse the internets to keep track of her beloved team. There's still a team, right? With players? Of baseball? And there's that one guy, the catcher with brace mouth, and the other one, the Mountie, and, oh, the dude with the cheeks, and the other dude with the other kind of cheeks, and JOHAN EL PRESIDENTE SANTANA.

But, seriously, what the hell's going on with the Twins? What has Batgirl missed? Please help her. And it would, naturally, be very cruel of someone to make up silly stories to amuse others and trick poor sleep-deprived, Pampers*-smelling Batgirl

*They really are better than Huggies.

Help!

In the BatMail:

Dear Batgirl:

I am afraid that I have to break some tough news to you. I have dealt young Dash to the Yankee's front office in exchange for Carl Pavano and a blogger to be named later. I fully expect that your reaction to this will be highly emotional, but try to bear in mind that the youngster wll be developed within the Steinbrenner inner circle. This should comfort you.

Yours truly,

Eric
Yankee Agent Without Portfolio

What can Batgirl do? Are there any options? And is this a good trade? Batgirl knew the Yankees were thinking of a youth movement, but this is ridiculous.

Baby Dash Update/ Walk for Preemies!

My darlings,

Please forgive Batgirl's silence. It turns out taking care of a baby is a lot of work. Dash is doing wonderfully, and very much enjoying listening to the Twins on XM, though he remains slightly concerned about, you know, the pitching and the hitting, though he thinks everything else sounds a-okay. He is also disappointed to learn that thanks to MLB's new, exclusive, screw-the-customer deal with DirectTV, he won't be able to watch the games this year, and is slightly confused about why MLB would want to deny customers the chance to view the product, but he's just a preemie.

Speaking of, Batgirl has become rather aware of issues of preemies lately and will be walking in the March of Dimes WalkAmerica. If anyone would like to sponsor her and make a donation to March of Dimes, Batgirl would be endlessly grateful. You can sponsor Batgirl online here. For BabyDash! For preemies! For America!

The Batbaby Report

After over a month in the hospital, BabyDash has finally been sprung.

He is a whopping 5 pounds 6 ounces, and is now residing happily with Batgirl, BatMom, and BatDad (BabyDash came out while Batgirl and Jeb were visiting the BatFamily for the holidays) and in about ten days they will head back to Massachusetts where Jeb is anxiously awaiting them.

Upon return to Mass last week, Jeb found some wonderful gifts from Batlings and Twins Goddess' lovely online baby shower--please excuse our delay in responding and know how much we appreciate your thoughtfulness.

BabyDash is anxiously awaiting his due date of Feb. 26, because it will mean spring training is nigh. He's an impatient little guy, which is perhaps why he popped out nine weeks early.

It was worth it.

The BatBaby Report

BabyDash isn't so sure what to make of the recent signings. He doesn't know anything about Ramon Ortiz, except that he was good in, like, 1999, which according to Dash is practically World War II. At the same time, being an optimist generally, he is all in favor of giving people a chance. And he trusts Terry Ryan, because he and TR have similar hairlines.

Dash is doing wonderfully--growing by leaps and bounds and accumulating baby fat where he should. Word is he should be out of the hospital in a couple of weeks, well in time to watch his first spring training game.

Hello Again

Well, it's been quite a couple of weeks in the BatQuarters. Batgirl was sent into the hospital just after Christmas for some bedrest (Doctor: How long have you been having contractions? Batgirl: How long have I been having what?) and life changed a great many times after that, but Dash was born on Saturday, Dec. 30, to the open arms of all.

Much is a blur, but a few facts are true: Dash is a wee little pea, but very healthy. No one can believe that at 31 weeks he could breathe on his own, but he's a strong little guy. He'll be in the hospital for another month or so. And Dr. Beth Kilburg of Women's Health Consulantants saved his life.

Batgirl has had no actual interaction with the outside world, such that on Saturday when Dr. Kilburg said something about Barry Zito's contract, Batgirl had no idea what she was talking about. And there was something about Sidney Ponson (really? Or is that the percoset talking?) and Dougie M going to the Yankees (Again, really? Are we sure?) but it's all a little confusing.

Thank you to everyone for your kind words, thanks to RD for posting the news, and thanks to Twins Goddess for setting up the super-awesome online baby shower. Batgirl is going to be pretty scarce for awhile, but she'll try to recruit some guests to pop in here and kick the tires. And, of course, there will be baby pictures.

I Want to Wish You a Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Holidays, from the bottom of our hearts, from all of us at Team Batgirl.

Batgirl.com will be dark until the new year. Be well and at peace, my darlings, 2007 is at hand.

Now, That's a Xmas Card

AREA BOY SIGNS MAJOR LEAGUE DEAL

FROM THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

Orlando, FL--

With a small free agent market, everyone knew there were going to be some surprising contracts this year. Already, even the most mediocre players are being rewarded with huge paydays. But perhaps no deal is more surprising than the Chicago Cubs' signing of Orlando sixth grader Ephram Bumblebrox.

Bumblebrox, 12, was playing catch with his younger brother in the park when Cubs GM Jim Hendry was being driven by on his way to the nearest Olive Garden. Hendry was impressed with what he saw.

"Everyone knows we're looking for some outfielders," said Hendry, "and I said to myself, 'That kid can throw!'"

Hendry has his driver stop the car and immediately offered the child a four year, 20 million dollar contract.

"I know given some of the numbers being thrown around this off-season that that's pretty small, but we want to be conservative given Ephram hasn't hit puberty yet."

As for Bumblebrox, he is very excited to be playing for the Cubs. "I think they have a lot of potential," he said. "I just think they need to get the right group of players in. Hopefully, I can help the team."

He then immediately ran out and bought himself a Playstation 3, a video iPod, and an ass-load of candy.

The Jeter/Biel Letters, Vol. 1

Editor's Note: Through top secret sources, including but not limited to certain Hollywood luminaries and her connections in the Japanese mafia, Batgirl has been able to obtain some of the early correspondence between Derek Jeter and Jessica Biel. As a service to you, her beloved readers, Batgirl has typed in the letters for your edification, and will be publishing them a little at a time. She expects no compensation—the knowledge that she is contributing to the advancement of scholarship is reward enough.

19 November, 2006

My dearest Jessica,

I hope you do not think me too forward, but ever since the night we passed together at the club Hyde where I first held your lily white hand, I can think of nothing but what it might be like to hold it again.

Oh! So bold you say! I can see your girlish cheeks flush now. But, you must understand, the very thought—Oh, Derek, you say. Too much! too fast! I am a lady! Je suis une femme!--only increases my ardor. For it is your very propriety, your modesty, your grace—it is that very flush of your cheeks that makes me lose all of my reason. Oh, Jessica, Jessica!

I know I am not worthy of you. I know it with every beat of my too-too-sullied heart. And yet the philosophers tell us that to love someone, truly and wholly, is to transcend this mess of skin and bone and sin and become something greater than ourselves, that we reach humanity's most noble state. It is in that way that I approach you, Yankee cap in my hand, not as myself, but as a transcendent being, who—through love, through you—has only now discovered what it means to live. To live! To love! To live!

My heart, my heart,
Derek

20 November,

Dear Derek,

Thank you for your letter dated 19 November. I hardly know how to reply. I must admit to a certain quickening of my heart when I read your words, but I cannot condone such ardor. I, too, felt the connexion between us, but we must not pursue this further, for I see a great danger ahead. My reputation is everything to me, and while it is tempting to throw it all away, to lose oneself in the sincerest longings of one's own heart, we must remember our place.

I ask you to respect my wishes.

My best,
Jessica

21 November

My dearest love,

Ah, you are cold. Your words wound me to the quick, but perhaps that was their intent? Perhaps you wish me to lay my whole heart bare before you, so you can examine its true qualities and judge its worthiness that way? In which case I say, wound away, I relish the opportunity, for it gives me the tiniest morsel of hope that you are considering my suit. And the tiniest morsel is a banquet to a starving man.

In fact, I shall save you the trouble. Come to me, my love, and I shall open up my chest and rip out my heart and present it to you for your examination. Do not spare it. Look into its darkest corners, its deepest recesses, use your finest skills of analysis, spare it no judgment. I know you shall find it wanting, but I know it is my only chance, my love, to call you my love.

It has been two days since I have seen you, and already I grow restless. I long to look into your bottomless eyes again. Might you—perhaps—favor me with a picture? I can gaze upon it and become somehow edified by your very image. If so, I shall be sated, at least for a time.

Yours, in agony,
Derek

22 November

Dear Derek,

At your request, I have enclosed a photograph of myself, it is just a trifle taken for a literary periodical called Maxim. I hope it provides you with the solace you need. I beg you to remember my position. It is not a world for lovers. Perhaps someday it shall be, but for now we must remember ourselves.

Until then, I remain,
Jessica

Will Jessica relent? Stay tuned.

Jeter Loses MVP, God to Flood World

From the AP:

JERUSALEM, SUNDAY NOVEMBER 26

In a shocking move, the Great God Jehovah issued a press release announcing his intention to destroy humanity in a great flood after last week's upset in the AL MVP race. New York Yankee Derek Jeter was expected to be the winner, as much for a lifetime achievement award as his performance this year, but was upset in a narrow vote by Canadian Mountie Justin Morneau.

"For I am a vengeful God," said God, also known as Y----h, "and this just blows."

"It is clearly an anti-Yankee bias," continued God. When asked how that could be when Jeter's teammate, Mr. Alex Rodriguez, won the award the previous year God said, "Yes, but no one likes him."

"I mean, Derek Jeter won a Gold Glove. And if any award is an objective measure of someone's worth, it's the Gold Glove."

Some outside of ESPN and God have commented that Mr. Jeter was one of several good candidates for the award this year, and Mr. Jeter's narrow loss is not the total outrage it might seem. Those people have been smited.

God, who would not give his age, last flooded the world on Saturday, November 6, in the year 2343 BC, after disgust with what mankind had become after the fall of Eden. Humanity only survived because God told one virtuous man, Noah, and his wife to build an ark. When asked whether he might pick one lucky survivor this time, God nodded.

"I think we all know who that will be," he said with a wink. "And he's dating Jessica Biel, so the third age of humanity is going to be muy hot."

During the Great Deluge, God promised Noah he would never flood the world again. When questioned, God said, "Yes, but I didn't expect something like this to happen."

When given a copy of the press release, a spokesman for humanity said, "Oh, shit."

Happy Thanksgiving

Batgirl will be offline until after the holiday, so she'll take this opportunity now to wish you a happy Tofurky Day. Batgirl would like to give thanks for the BatFamily and BabyBoof and the BatKitties Three, for all the wonderful Batlings, and for Johan Santana, who gives us all a reason to get out of bed in the morning.

yummmmmm

Well, Duh

Your 2006 Cy Young. By, once again, a unanimous vote.

(And no, Batgirl will never get tired of that picture.)

Here Comes the Groom

Well, Cuddles was married last weekend. You can visit his Knot.com page here. Looks like Big Crawdaddy was a groomsman. You can also peruse their registry. Team Batgirl, whose invitations must have gotten lost in the mail, got them a lovely batter ladle--because Cuddy is such a good batter, natch.

The Chairman of Sports Nation

Chairman Mauer will be on ESPN's SportsNation chat this afternoon at 1:30 CST. Something to pass the time while we wait for Johan's Cy Young.

More Korean Cartoons!

Choi Hoon's 2006 cartoons are up. Below is one dedicated to Johan Santana. Batgirl's Korean is a little rusty, but I think it says that he's awesome.

There is also an ALDS one. Below is the Twins portion. It's far less painful in Korean.

And be sure to check out the AJ one which doesn't really need any translation.

BREAKING NEWS

FROM THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

In a stunning move this weekend, Twins GM Terry Ryan put in a request with Bud Selig to switch to the National League.

"I was speaking to Tony LaRussa, and he mentioned that during interleague play it was a real burden to find someone to write in as DH. And I was like, tell me about it! And that got me thinking."

The move makes a certain amount of sense, as finding a traditional player to fill the DH role has not been a priority for the Twins. The Twins' competition has spent their offseasons signing big names to DH, including Jim Thome last year and now Gary Sheffield for the Tigers. "I wanted to play for the Twins," said Thome. "But they told me they just wouldn't know what to do with a real DH."

"Other clubs might like those big flashy players that hit lots of home runs and drive people in and generally help increase your odds of scoring more runs than the other team, and thus, winning," said Ryan, "but we find it all rather…immodest. It's so much more interesting to try to win when you don't waste a line-up spot with a real RBI guy. Plus, a lot of teams don't realize that it's a great way to get another back-up utility outfielder's bat in the line up.

But Ryan seemed very excited about the idea of using that extra spot for a pitcher. "It's just so much more interesting when you've got one guy in there who's total dead weight. We've tried to bring some of that over here, but there's really more opportunities for that in the NL.

"Anyway," Ryan added, "I think we could get the same production out of most of our pitchers as we have at the DH spot, so that would be a real advantage for us."

Matzuka Stakes

FROM THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

The baseball world waits with bated breath for the results of the Daisuke Matsuzaka sweepstakes. On Wednesday, several baseball teams submitted bids for the right to negotiate with the Japanese star.

Under the Japan League system, a player who has not yet earned free agency can only go to the majors if his team makes him available. Major League teams can then bid on the rights to negotiate with the player.

The highest payday previously has been Ichiro Suzuki, who cost the Seattle Mariners $13 million in bidding rights alone. The payout for Matsuzaka is expected to be much higher, perhaps in the jillions.

The price tag is going to be tough for any team, but it did not deter the Yankees, who sent Derek Jeter to deliver the bid in tight pants. The Mets countered by oiling up David Wright and sending him in wearing nothing but a little red bow.

Other teams have tried to find more creative solutions for raising the requisite cash. "It's going to be hard for us to come up with a competitive bid, but we're starting by putting Derrik Lee up on eBay."

Another GM was said to include several of his children in the bid to work as vassals. "I'll miss them a lot," said the GM, who wished to remain anonymous, "but you can't overvalue pitching these days.

As for the Twins, they would not let the opportunity to shore up their fragile pitching rotation pass them by. "I put in $50," said Terry Ryan. "It would hurt us, of course, but with a player of that caliber you have to take a hit."

Meanwhile, Matzuka's team, the Seibu Lions, are anxiously awaiting news of the winning bid. With the money, the Lions plan to buy themselves a solid gold stadium, and also a pony.

"Actually," admitted one Japan League official, "we made the whole negotiating fee thing up. We just wanted to see how much we could get some jerk to pay."

The Chairman Goes Abroad

Well, the Batgirl ticket didn't do very well yesterday. Not a single Twin was elected to public office, except for Luis Rodriguez's suprise appointment to the soil and water board. Nonetheless, the Chairman's goodwill tour of Japan is going extremely well, as his bat spreads its benevolence all over the land of the rising sun.

Thanks to Mets Grrl for the picture.

Meanwhile, Batgirl is reeling from the devestating news that Britney and Kevin are divorcing. If those two kids can't make it in this crazy world, what hope is there for you and me?

Vote Tuesday

Ah, another election day. With Santana/Nathan reaching the 2 year point in their glorious reign as president and VP of the United States of Batgirl, it's time to elect more Twins to office. After carefully considering the qualifications and skills of each Twin, Batgirl has settled on the following ballot for her party. Remember: Vote.

Senate: Boof Bonser (Because Senator Boof is just too cool.)
House: Mike Redmond (Smell this, Congress!)
Secretary of State: Joe Mauer (The Chairman lets the people vote!)
Attorney General: Juan "The Smiling Assassin" Rincon (Laying down the law, one strikeout at a time.)
State Legislature: Little Nicky Punto (Because the state legislature is kind of miniature.)
Hennepin County Attorney: Andy Luger (Actually running. Friend of Goober. Endorsed by Batgirl!)
Sheriff: Justin Morneau (Mountie training.)

Fear of a Buck Planet

Batgirl's Law, Number 37:

Any system that gives Joe Buck a chance at the Hall of Fame is pretty much a flawed system.

Cover Boy

Cuddles is gracing the cover of Today's Groom.

I don't know about this, baseball players or no. Today's Groom sounds like something purchased exclusively by today's bride and thrust upon today's unwitting groom, where it will end up in the pile of magazines by the toilet unread, until today's bride finds it there under some old Newsweeks, short of some water damage as pristine as the day it came off the rack, and sighs heavily, because for a while there she allowed herself to believe she was marrying someone who might read Today's Groom, who might really get into analyzing all the different tuxedo options and read reviews of caterers and look for the best manscaper in town--not the second best, mind you, because when you're getting manscaped you really don't want to skimp--and of course she hasn't, she's marrying you, and of course while intellectually she knows you were never going to crack that glossy cover, and she knows that that, in fact, is part of your charm, and she has many people she can talk to about tuxedoes and caterers and manscaping, there's really no one who makes her laugh quite like you do, and she'll remember that eventually, she really will, though it will be sometime long after she holds the copy of Today's Groom in her hand and gives you that look, you know the look, and there's nothing Michael Cuddyer's dimples can do for you then.

Oh, and Vote Joe.

Redbird Nation

The cool thing about this postseason is, with the exception of the first Mets series, the team that was expected to win in just about every series lost. Unless you're a fan of one of those teams in which case "cool" is "bone-crushingly painful." But the Cards run, from essentially backing into the playoffs to World Series champs, was mighty impressive, and it showed, once again, you can predict nothing in the postseason (except maybe rainouts.) As for the Tigers, Batgirl is genuinely sorry it wasn't they celebrating--they had a terrific run, and Placido Polanco is so cute in his little hat. She can't shake the feeling that the Twins suck jumped hosts once again, and for that she is incredibly sorry. I don't know what the contagious period of this thing is, but let's have a nice long postseason, and let's scrub all those clubhouses real good, okay?

Which Witch

You know, it was rough going sass-blogging on the Twins for a little while. There was no Corey, no Dougie, no AJ, and if it hadn't been for Lew Ford, this blog would have had to go totally dark. Batgirl tried to beg TR at the trade deadline last year to acquire a player with a little personality.

But all is well now. The players haver come into their own. We have LNP and his tiny antics, Luis Castillo's fly dancing, and sometimes Justin Morneau even smiles. And we have Sideshow Pat Neshek, blogger and sidearmer, who is currently
auctioning off his rookie hazing costume on eBay.

Your phallic symbol does not threaten me, Mr. Reporter Man.

What's cuter, that's he's auctioning it off or that he wants to keep the doggie costume?

That's Neshek's dog Juicy, by the way.

It's also fun to read Neshek's eBay ratings--he's got 100% positive feedback, including one from someone known as "hardcore Jesus" that says, in something that looks like Dr. Seuss translated back from the Japanese, "HORRAY HORRAY YOU MAKE MY DAY. EXCELLENT SMOOTH TRANSACTION." And yes, Batgirl knows how to spell "hooray." Hardcore Jesus, not so much.

Current bid, $134. I'm sure people can do better, I mean, that thing has baseball player sweat!

Thanks to all who emailed BG with this. These are the sort of developments of which she must be kept apprised.

It's Time to Play...

Please note, image basically to scale.

Who is more little? LNP or David Eckstein?

And the BatEndorsement Goes To....

BatDad grew up in Detroit, somewhere around 8 Mile Road, and it was a lot like the movie but without the rapping contests. Like any good Detroit boy, BatDad loved the Tigers, growing up cheering Hank Greenberg (who, he will point out, hit 58 homers without any steroids), Hal Newhouser, George Kell, and Vic Wertz. The Tigers won it all when he was a wee pup, then didn't get to the series again until 1968, against the St. Louis Cardinals. He was living in Kentucky at the time but lived and died with the team all the same—watching them overcome a 1-3 deficit in the World Series to come back and win it all for the first time since he was 6.

Goober and Batgirl grew up in Minneapolis, and BatDad raised us to be baseball fans, and while our first love was the Twins we always rooted for the Tigers, too. Then, in 1984—just as Batgirl was coming into her own as a baseball fan—avuncular manager Sparky Anderson led the boys from Detroit to the division championships, and the BatFamily watched the whole thing. It was Batgirl's first chance to root for a team in the postseason, and that group of players--Jack Morris, Kirk Gibson, Chet Lemon, Alan Trammel, Lance Parrish, and Lou Whitaker were all her first baseball boyfriends. That postseason hooked Batgirl on baseball and the Tigers have been her second favorite team ever since. It was so painful to watch the franchise suffer these past few years, and a joy to watch them find themselves again, playing the game in a way that echoes those boys of '84.

So, even though Batgirl dearly hopes they get this whole winning thing out of their system come 2007, for now--with all due respect to the Cards and their awesome fans and this whole awesome midwestern series-- she and BatDad join together to say—Go Tigers.

Ladies and Gentleman...

Your Baseball America Player of the Year.

Aaron Gleeman once said the MVP is the first guy you pick when you're starting a baseball team. Is there anyone you'd pick over this guy?

An Open Letter

To: Scott Baker
From: Your Loyal and True Bestest Friend Nutty.

Don't Even Think About It.

Mark of the Dead

Fresh off the news that Major League Baseball had just , (and please, do Batgirl a favor and go read the entire article), came another very exciting announcement.

This evening, Major League Baseball inked a contract with the National Postmortem Body Art Association to allow any baseball fan who has passed on to get the logo of his or her favorite team tattooed on his ass.

"We're getting a lot of requests for sports team logo tattoos," said Dracul L. Gluteus, president of the NPBAA. "When people die, their families really want to commemorate them in a way that speaks to the dignity of their lives. I can’t think of a better way to do that than getting the logo of your favorite baseball team tattooed on your corpse's heinie for all eternity."

Gluteus continued, "We've also approached the NHL and NFL but MLB was incredibly eager to provide their fans this magnificent opportunity. We were also hoping to approach NASCAR, but most of the postmortem real estate on their fans' buttocks is already spoken for by advertisers."

Major League Baseball was equally enthusiastic. "We like to think of it as a service to the fans," said MLB spokesperson Brandi Tuckus. "Before, when anyone who got a team logo tattooed on their cold dead buttcheeks, we would have to call our lawyers to extract our pound of flesh, as it were. But now, all baseball fans can die happily knowing that for a really modest fee, they can get their favorite team's logo tattooed on their behind without fear of legal reprisal."

Not all baseball fans were ecstatic at the news, though. For young Jimmy Popo, the announcement came too late. "I just wish they'd done this earlier," said Popo, wiping away a tear. "My dad would have been so happy to go to his grave knowing we were donating his hard earned money to a truly worthy cause--Major League Baseball's licensing department."

It's a Baby Frightwig!

Congratulations to Frightwig and his lovely bride on the new addition to their family.

Go over to Sundappled Wood and tell him congrats! Looks like Baby Boof has a friend....

Where Fun is Waiting for You

Batgirl recently had the immense pleasure of flying on a US Air commuter jet--she forgets the company name and that's probably for the best--and when she lowered her tray table she found it was covered in a giant commercial for some stupid A&E show about auto racing, or chick mechanics, or chick auto racers, or something...Batgirl doesn't remember, which goes to show you how stupid the whole thing is because any advertisement where somebody doesn't remember what you're advertising afterwards is pretty much a giant failure.

The point is, we know advertising is everywhere, we know we can't escape it, we know baseball sold its soul ages and ages ago, but somehow it doesn't make this any less asinine.

Yes, it was announced last week that all games at US Cellular Field will now start at 7:11, so that every time you look at your ticket stub, you are reminded of that glorious company and all the wonders it brings to America. Baseball, apple pie, and totally disgusting corporate sell outs. Now, I'm not actually blaming Soxia for this because really it could have been any team, the only real shock is that all of MLB didn't adopt the new start time, change "homers" to "Big Gulps," and make the players microwave Dinty Moore buckets every time they get to a base.

But, really. Just because someone offers you a great opportunity to look like an ass doesn't mean you have to take it. This whole thing is absolutely ridiculous. $500,000 a year for this embarrassment?That's what your corporate soul is worth? $500K? Isn't that like only a week of Jim Thome? What do you really get these days for $500K, baseball-wise--like a Punto and a fourth? That doesn't even add up to one full size baseball player.

This is, of course, the Slurpee wave of the future; 7-Eleven is going to try to spread its nonsense across the game, and soon when we look at our tickets we will remember how utterly for sale every aspect of our baseball experience is and think, "Goodness, I need an antacid. Anyone know where there's a convenience store around here?"

Oops, Sorry About That

It was quiet in the visitor's clubhouse in Tiger Stadium, as the Oakland A's packed up their things and prepared for the long elephant march home.

"Man," muttered Marco Scuturo.

"Man," agreed Nick Swisher.

"We were so good," said Jason Kendall.

"So good," said Scuturo.

"And then—" said Eric Chavez.

"And then," agreed Swisher.

There was nothing left to do, then, nothing but shake their heads and continue to pack while Milton Bradley sat in a corner playing a quiet, meditative game of Yahtzee. No one really noticed Darth Thomas sitting in the showers scrubbing obsessively at his arms, until Barry Zito finally finished his exfoliating and walked by the burly DH.

"Hey, Darth, you okay?"

"I've got this stuff on me," said Thomas. "It's like a fungus. I keep scrubbing and scrubbing, but…Will these arms never be clean?"

"Oh," said Zito, backing away slowly. When he stepped into the clubhouse he took Chavez aside. "I think something's wrong with Darth," he whispered.

When he explained, Chavez's eyes grew wide and he ran into the showers. "Look," he proclaimed to Thomas, ripping off his left sleeve. "I have it too!"

"IT BURNS!" shouted Thomas.

It didn't take too long to discover that the fungus was all over the A's players. And when Bobby Kielty walked in after his regular postshower sticking his finger in a light socket, he found the clubhouse mood had gone from gloom to confusion and fear. And when the players showed him the cause, he grew pale.

"I know what that is," he whispered, eyes like moons. "I've seen it before."

Slowly, the A's gathered 'round Kielty as he shook his head like a man with a terrible tale to tell. "It's the Suck from the Twins!" he proclaimed in a deathly voice. "It will make you hit into double plays, field like blind monkeys, turn any good bat into an ass bat..."

"Oh, my god," said Scuturo.

"Oh, my god," agreed Swisher.

"IT BURNS," repeated Thomas.

"How did it get on us?" breathed Jason Kendall.

"I don't know," said Kielty. "It must have infested the stadium when they were there. I mean, that was a lot of suck."

"Yeah," said Kendall. "There's no way all that suck could be contained in the visitor's clubhouse."

As one, the players let out a tremendous sigh that shook the whole clubhouse, thinking about what might have been.

"At least…" said Chavez, "…at least we didn't suck as badly as they did…."

Silence for a moment, and then a slow grin spread across Kielty's face. Quietly, he began to chuckle. The other players looked at him, and then slowly they began to smile too, and soon they were all rolling around in laughter, all the pain of the past few days forgotten for one glorious moment.

"You got that right," agreed Swisher, wiping a happy tear away from his eye. "You got that right."

The Ligers Win the Pennant!

It's pretty much my favorite animal.

Death of Two Men, One of Them a Ballplayer

I am out of town, and yesterday afternoon BatDad and I had lunch in a restaurant that had the news on. All we knew was a small plane had crashed into a high rise. I shuddered--I hate those small planes. I know a young writer who died along with her whole family when her father's plane crashed on her first book tour. BatDad and I were out all day and when I got back into the hotel room I saw Larry King interviewing Cory Lidle's twin brother. My first thought: They're interviewing Yankee siblings now? It took a moment to realize what had really happened. The death of those two people--Lidle and his thus far nameless flight instructor--is terrible. We hear lots of platitudes on CNN over "what's really important"--above A-Rod and Joe Torre and the Yankees collapse, as if any of us ever believed that those things were more important than the implicit promise that our loved ones make each time when they walk out of the door--I'll come back. Baseball is not life and death, it is a beautiful, maddening fantasy--one that allows us to escape life and death in order to live and die with every pitch, every swing of the bat. This accident brutually shattered the illusion, put a face on a meaningless tragedy, but mostly it deprived two families of seeing their loved ones come home at night. My thoughts are with all of them. Everyone take care of yourselves, and be safe.

Please see Alex Belth's excellent post at Bronx Banter.

Torii 2007

The Strib reports that the Twins are picking up the one year, $12 mil. option on Torii's contract.

Light Blogging/Baby Boof Update

Right now, all the broadcasters and research assistants at Fox and ESPN are up late studying the line-up vards and trying to actually learn something about the two teams playing in the ALCS. ("Hey, did you know there was a Carlos Guillen?") Except, of course, for Joe Buck, who is sitting in a corner holding his framed photograph of Derek Jeter and whispering, "Why? Why?"

Meanwhile, BabyBoof is a Boof (not a Boofina!) The ultrasound did not show which hand he favored, nor his preferred fielding position. So much for modern medicine.

Batgirl will be out of town and away from her computer this week. Team Batgirl and friends may pop in. Please enjoy the ALCS.

BatNote: The BatStore is temporarily down, but shall be up again soon.

Tigers v. A's!

Congratulations to the Tigers and A's for making it to the ALCS. This is going to be an utterly fantastic series with two very exciting teams. And to John Kruk, who spent some time on Baseball Tonight saying the Yankees line-up was going to be to be a real challenge to the A's just a few hours after the Ligers went up 2-1, thhhhpt.

Let's do this, small market style. And ESPN, if your ratings depend on the Yankees, perhaps it's because they are the only team you ever show or talk about? Also, every time one of the broadcasters mention Jeter, take a drink.

The Final Final Countdown?

Okay. Well, this is it. It is, as they say, now or never. There is probably nobody Batgirl would rather have taking the mound today than Mr. Brad Radke--that may sound absurd on a team with El Presidente, and certainly starting pitching isn't exactly the issue here, but if anyone can inspire this team, it's Captain Fish Glue. If this is his last appearance on the mound, let's let the players do everything they can to make sure it's a good one. The best testament they can give to him, of course, is to do what he fought for all season--live to play another day. Let's go, boys.

BatMail

Dear Batgirl,

I’ve been a Twins fan all my life. I was there in ‘87 and again in ‘91. Due to a miracle almost equal to the one we witnessed, my dad and I sat two rows behind home plate when Kirby went deep in Game 6. I was there again in game 7, about 100 rows further back in the upper deck, to watch Jack Morris bring it home. But that game 6 was special. A postseason ball game, shared with the two heroes in my life, Kirby Puckett and my dad. I never thought the Twins would be capable of moments like that ever again. I mean, how could they? That is, of course, until this year….

I moved out to the Bay Area back in 2001. Every spring since then, I’ve happily signed that $160 check to DirecTV for my MLB Extra Innings package. I joked with a friend of mine that DirecTV could raise the price of the package to $5000 and I would (happily) still pay. I would say something like, “Jeez, I guess it’s a little steep this year but….” Twins baseball isn’t a luxury for me, it’s a necessity. A close second to oxygen.

Much to the chagrin of my girlfriend, I watch about 130+ games a year. I am a TIVO surgeon. When I’m not there to catch the games live, I turn off all forms of communication until I can get back to my TIVO to watch them blissfully unaware of the outcome. When traveling, I follow the games and scores on the internet. When there is no internet, I call 1-800-TELL-ME to get in-game scores. When I can get no updates, my head spins wildly thinking about what I might be missing. But, when my beloved ball club annually visits its west-coast counterpart in Oakland, I never go.

It didn’t always used to be like that. When I moved out here in ’01, my college roommate, a Red Sox fan by birth, was working for the Oakland A’s. As a job perk, he had two season tickets and access to more when necessary. For the first season or two, my Minnesota friends and I used him frequently to get tickets whenever the Twins were in town. And, without fail, every time that I drove over to the Net (now McAfee Coliseum) to watch the Twins, they lost. So when the postseason rolled around in 2002, I made a declaration that I would not go to any of the games. My friend, of course offered his tickets to me, which I gave to two other friends of mine. The Star & Tribune actually ran an article in which Everyday Eddie Guardado mentioned some crazy Twins fans waving their home hankies from their seats right by the Twins dugout. These were my friends, Charlie and Tom, sitting in my seats. When game 5 rolled around, my friend Paul, who worked for the A’s, pulled off another minor miracle; 8 seats together on the third-base line. Would I like to go to the game? Hell yes. But I would never do that to my team. Instead, I called every Minnesota fan I knew in the Bay Area and filled those seats. And I watched the game alone in my girlfriend’s apartment, my 2002 “Proud and Loud” homer hanky waving wildly.

It was a game for the ages. AJ’s homer off of Koch was one of the most electrifying moments in Twins’ history. And I, of course, was not there to see it. If these 2006 Twins manage to climb out of the 0-2 hole that they’ve dug, it will be an achievement greater than AJ’s insurance blast. Maybe even equal to Kirby’s game 6 heroics. And no matter what happens, I will not be there to see it.

A few hours ago, shortly after the Twins fell to the A’s for the second time in as many days, I received a message from my friend Paul who no longer works for the A’s. It said simply, “Keep the faith” This from a man who knows the fallibility of the A’s as well as anyone; who repeatedly had his hopes for a World Series ring dashed when the A’s couldn’t get past the first round. So, per his instruction, when I watch Radke take the bump on Friday, waving my homer hanky like a wild man, I will keep the faith.

Keep the faith Twins Nation,

Al Sullivan

Sure, They All Have Families

Batgirl kept getting updates from Goober on Sunday. She could only hear about 1/4th of them given the whole Thunderdome thing, but just hearing the crowd noise was enough. One of the things she did hear was the families came on the field to celebrate with the team after the division was clinched, including a sighting of the adorable Cole Nathan. Here's Silva celebrating after his terrific, division-winning performance with his sister.

Let's hope they have a lot more to celebrate.

(p.s. Anyone who get the reference in the header will have Batgirl's eternal admiration.)

Oh, and Let's Not Forget

Your 2006 AL Batting Champion, and MLB batting leader, the first catcher in the history of the game to lead the MLB.

Suck it, Jeter.

Anyone Want to Buy a House?

In scenic Hopkins, MN, just 15 minutes from the Metrodome. Totally wired for all your internet needs, and totally infused with sass. That's right, you can OWN BATGIRL'S HOUSE. If you or anyone you have ever met or even heard of is looking for a house, please email Batgirl (Scroll down the menus at the left until you see "Contact.")

BatMail: Phil Nevin Edition

Dear Batgirl,

I first heard Phil Nevin was a member of the Twins during a radio broadcast, and my immediate reaction was one of horrified disbelief. I grimly forecast a quiet, unassuming end to the Twins' playoff ambitions right there. My reaction came from three seasons spent watching Mr. Nevin perform poorly for an otherwise-mediocre Padres team. Phil's skillsets were manifold: like a less-gifted A-Rod, Mr. Nevin had a talent for solo moonshots when the run differential was nine-plus; an affinity for rally-killing double-plays; an omnipresent fondness for strikeouts; a penchant for the half-second-gasper, one of those bases-loaded-two-out marvels where for a split second you hear the crack of the bat and see the speed of the ball and your brain clenches in hope before the ball hangs and as it falls (not even near the warning track), you reprove yourself for your reaction, because this is, after all, Phil Nevin, and there is no hope there. I was by no means a Padre fan, but after attending 15 or 20 games over three years, I was a big non-fan of Phil Nevin.

How, then, to explain my sadness at his (doubtless season-ending) injury today? Glassy McFragilekins seems like no loss for a team packed with talented, scrappy infielders; for God's sake, today Mr. Nevin was replaced by Terry Tiffee, who has much higher returns on the cuteness-of-name front alone. But Phil managed to create a story for himself that spoke positively about the Twins. It helped that he had some very nice things to say about the club, but there was this sense that moving to a place with seasons and character and far fewer thongs and magic ass-unicorns and no recollection whatsoever of 1999-2001 gave Phil access to a very dilute fountain of youth, that he was able to lay down his own personal ass-bat and, if not be particularly good, at least be not so startlingly bad. The change to his surroundings, some quintessence of Twin, was what allowed him to raise his game, which in turn made the team better. It was a happier version of the tales of T-Fat and Booney, a story we all knew the Twins had in them because of the rampant coolness of their clubhouse. That the story ended (at least for the moment) in such an inauspicious way is very Nevin: his ways are not the ways of tragedy but rather of melancholy, of pointless, unremarkable sadness. But his very brief, very small arc was, from my perspective, worthy of note.

Searching, however, for the marks that his presence made upon the Batcave, I was sorry to see nothing but his cursory welcome and delighted descriptions of his gaffes and failures when playing for other teams. There's no doubt in my mind that issues larger than the Story of the Saddest Padre have consumed the Batbrain for the not-quite-month of Phil's tenure, but I would humbly request that some note of recognition be penned, if only because the appeal of Batgirl is that you not only worship at the godhead of Johan K, but take time to lovingly note the tiniest, the nerdiest, and the nakedest of Twins. Please make time to note the passing of this, the Nevinest one, as well.

With deep respect,

Boolio

Dear Mr. Boolio,

Batgirl can think of no better a tribute than your letter. She encourages readers to follow the link, too, to read about Nevin's joy at being a Twin. Baseball giveth and baseball taketh away. But fret not, Mr. Nevin's injury is nothing serious, he shall live to hump another day.

Sincerely,
Batgirl

New Items in the BatStore!

Click on the BatKitty to the left to visit the BatStore!

Also, Twins Fan Troy is selling his own Piranha shirts.

A BatAnnouncement

Batgirl and Jeb are very pleased to announce the upcoming arrival of a new member of their farm system.

This BatBaby shall come into the world just as pitchers and catchers report next year. Prospective name thus far is Francisca Johanna Justine Josephine Michelle Luisa Nikola Juanita Dennys Sampler, or the masculine version thereof. Suggestions are always welcome. And, as the time draws nigh, Batgirl and Jeb would like your opinions--what position should we train him/her to play?

p.s. this entry was posted by Batgirl, accidentally logged in as Twayn, for whom she just created an account.

Zoinks!

...Like, was that a S- S- Saarloos?

Hail, Uncle Matty's College of Crawdaddin'

Photo: UMCC Class of 2004 facebook

Hail, in-deed-y
Ag'inst crawdads claim vic-to-ry
Good ol' UMCC
Shucks, we're fond of thee

I got a crawdad in my sites
We'll boil 'em up tonight
A li'l paprika will be just right
Ag'inst crustaceans we will fight!

Lucem Accipe Ut Reddas

Fight Varsity
On your toes dig in and hit that line!
We're all pulling hard for you
So fight and give the best there is in you
Fight Varsity
On your toes and hit that line!
We'll fight on to victory
We're always true to Fresno State!

New In the BatStore

Mucho thanks to pollyannah for the awesome images. And mucho thanks to all who order from the BatStore; your purchases help pay for the tools of Batgirl's long-distance blogging.

Baby Twins

Now featuring ANSWERS! Click on "continue reading" at the bottom of the entry. Mucho congratulations to Chris and CB for getting the two toughest.

Courtesy of Wonder Woman, this lovely spread from the Twins Magazine. Readers, can you name these baby Twins? (No fair if you already saw it.)

Also, for your reading pleasure, from Off the Baggie The Secret of the Twins' Success.

The Final Countdown

To get you in the mood for Ragnarok this series...

Click here.

(Cubicle-land warnng: Sound will play--and it will rock...Swedish style!)

Rest In Peace, Snowy

A very sad day for the BatFamily. Goober and Sooz's dear bunny, Snowy, left this mortal coil yesterday. Snowy was an extraordinary rabbit. She had full range of the house and took advantage of it admirably. There's nothing really cuter than sitting in a house and seeing a bunny hop by. Her happiness led to an extraordinarily long life that was still much too short. Snowy's interests included getting her nose rubbed, getting stroked by your foot, and being incredibly cute. She liked to sleep under Goober and Sooz's bed, eat yogurt drops, she conquered wood floors and stairs at the age of six, ate half a bag of triple washed salad every morning, and was brave, strong, and sweet. In her formative years, her name was Snowy the Cute Bunny, but her full name was Snowy Victoria Sullivan. She died peacefully at home yesterday afternoon at nearly ten years old. She will be much missed.

Give Pat Neshek a Nickname!

Batgirl knows you all have been waiting for this with bated breath, and she apologizes profusely for her lack of guidance in this important matter. Indeed, the nature of Pat Neshek's nickname has spawned a passion unlike BG has ever seen--there were over 30 suggestions, and getting them down to ten was more than challenging. Some, like, "the Knight who says Neshek," were too unwieldy to make the list but deserve special mention. Thank you for all of your wonderful suggestions. Vote with great consideration. The winner will be announced later in the week.

Smells Like Team Spirit

Cleveland at Twins. Twins 4, Indians 1.

Batgirl can't quite remember the provenance of all this exuberant nose-touching the Twins are doing. You know what she means—whenever someone does something good they look into the dugout and tap their noses. Jeb says it comes from Mike Redmond, who with runners in scoring position is fond of yelling, "SMELL 'EM." This is all fun and games until you consider Mr. Redmond's nudist predilections.

Regardless, while there was a lot of smelling going on around the Dome this weekend, it was more of the nose-holding variety. That is the sort of thing that makes a (bat) girl end up in a hole. How the team that accomplished the preternatural miracle of winning two games from the Tigers could suddenly suck beyond all recognition is a great mystery. Batgirl thinks Lew Ford, desperate to contribute to the team while he was on the DL, came up with a plan. He would build a wayback machine and journey through time to kidnap last year's 3-5 starters, install them in the rotation, and then all would be well again in Twinsland. (He, naturally, didn't think of the consequences of his actions, as any Star Trek viewer knows, once Silva '05 and Silva '06 ran into each other in the clubhouse, the whole space time continuum would be destabilized and one would have to give up himself to save the other and the whole world and with our luck it would be the one with the low ERA.) Well, Lew built his machine and, as these things go, something went very wrong with the flux capacitor and what emerged in the clubhouse Thursday morning was last year's offense. Naturally, it took a few days to figure things out, though they should have had some clue when Justin Morneau got boils and Little Nicky Punto was heard humming "My Humps." Needless to say, once they did figure out what had happened, Lew got benched. Again.

Well, it took some doing to right things again and there was a moment where the thing threatened to reverse itself and suck in Brad Radke all the way to last year, who hung onto the clubhouse towel racks for dear life, shouting SWEET JESUS NO I AM NOT GOING BACK THERE, and from the ethereal distance Christopher Lloyd shouted, "Then pitch, my good man, pitch like you've never pitched before!" and Bradke held onto his hair and closed his eyes tight and said, "There's no place like home, there's no place like home," and the flux capacitor exploded and all was back to normal.

Mostly. As you may expect, the explosion left a rift in the fabric of time that lingered in the clubhouse. "Do you see that?" Juan Rincon said to Pat Neshek. "That's a portal that will take you all the way back to last year."

"Cool!" said Neshek.

"No, no, it's horrible! Horrible! You must stay far far away, my young friend, or else all your worst nightmares will come true."

But before tonight's game, Johan Santana called the team together in front of the rift. "You see this?" he said, speaking loudly over the giant sucking sound. "This great big hole wants to take us back to last year. And we have been afraid of it—yes, I see it in your eyes, Justin Morneau and Michael Cuddyer and Little Nicky Punto. But we must not be afraid. Together, we are stronger than all the sucking forces in the world!"

"Yeah!" shouted the Twins.

"Now, go on," exhorted Johan. "Look into this horrible abyss. Gaze at your fears, then scoff at them, laugh at them, spit in it if you must. For it is 2006, and we do not suck anymore."

Well one by one the Twins lined up to stare into the abyss, to confront it, to mock it and eventually—yes, to overcome. And if the 2005 Twins found great loogies being hocked at them from above, they surely did not notice, for they had their own problems. And if Carlos Silva tried surreptitiously to crawl in, well, can you blame him? When the last player was done, the Twins rose up and stormed the field, the sucking sound all but forgotten until after the game when after all the players had left and Mike Redmond had finished sweeping and prepared to shut off the lights for the night, gazed at the abyss, put his finger on his nose and said, "Smell This."

BatNote: Tonight, Baseball Tonight will be featuring Twins All-Time Web Gems. Thanks to Will for the heads up! Please note that in the clip Matt Weiner refers to Justin Morneau as our catcher. And they say we get no respect...

MidAtlantic Batling Rampage!

If YOU are a MidAtlantic Batling and YOU are interested in seeing the Twins/Orioles series with your comrades, email TwinsProf and he shall help organize. Go to the comments to this entry and click on BG's name to email TwinsProf. (Done to avoid massive spam for TwinsProf....)

Every Hello is a Hello

Oh, my darlings, Batgirl is sorry to have left you for so long. Every moment was agony—and she is really not exaggerating. Extra special thanks to infield and RD for their excellent service during Batgirl's great time of need. It could not have been easy. We saw things—horrible things. Liriano down! Liriano out! Ass battery up the yin yang! But they performed admirably.

First off, everything on the east coast blows. Verizon is full of ass. When Batgirl called in July to order her service—and she uses that word lightly—she was assured that they would not mail the intertron tron until she arrived. Lo! What's this? A postcard from UPS, dated the day after Batgirl placed her order, with the totally wrong address on it, your intertron tron cannot be delivered to this totally wrong address, we will hold it in our warehouse for ten days, and then it will be shipped to China and turned into parts for this new line of robots we're making and those robots are going to seem like a really good idea until they evolve and decide mankind is evil and nuke the crap out of us. And so Batgirl calls to say YOU GUYS SCREWED THE POOCH and NO! DON'T MAKE THE ROBOTS IT WILL BE THE END OF US ALL and there's no option to press for that and gets put on hold and transferred around and put on hold some more and hung up on a couple of times and essentially the robots are already here, they're answering the phone and they are already trying to kill us softly with how much they suck.

And then it would be better to call Comcast Comcasst. Why, just today, Batgirl was to get her cable hooked up so the BatKitties could watch Animal Planet, not to mention Batgirl's MLB EXTRA INNINGS package, and she waited ever-so-patiently for the nice cable man to come and do the voo doo that he do, for he was to come between 11 and 1 and Batgirl waited and waited and finally at 1:15 she called and Comcasst said, "Oh, your order was cancelled," and Batgirl politely inquired as to why and Comcasst said, "Because the technician went to your service address and they said no one ordered cable there," and Batgirl politely said that that was absurd because Batgirl had, indeed, ordered cable—complete with Animal Planet and BBC America and MLB EXTRA INNINGS—and no one had, in fact, arrived at her service address that day and if they had she certainly would have let them in with a smiling face and sunny disposition and further more if there was a problem why on earth did they not use the communication device known as the telephone, because it can be quite handy when you need to ask someone where they live. And Comcasst said they did call and the phone was disconnected. And Batgirl said that was very silly, since she was talking on that exact phone at that very moment, which means one of three things have occurred: 1) Miracle (It's alive!) 2) Slipped Into Parallel Universe 3) Comcasst is completely incompetent. You be the judge.

To make a long story short, Batgirl has suffered. Oh, how she has suffered. And reports from Twins land have been enough to make a girl lock herself in a room with the Verizon phone robot—hello? Hello? What happened to my team? Where are my runs? CAN'T ANYONE SCORE ANY BLEEPIN' BLARGIN' RUNS? Batgirl had an anxiety dream that she was called into pitch—and Batgirl is many things, but a pitcher is not one of them. She does not have the disposition and her few attempts at it during softball were rather like something out of a JC Romero appearance with less velocity and more weeping. But the team needed Batgirl and Batgirl was going to saddle up even though she wasn't going to make it out of the first inning and everyone knew it. This, Batgirl imagines, is much like Boof Bonser went through when he was called up. TR said, when trying to make the decision between whether to call up Boof or Scooty Baker, that he opted for Boof because he has a better strikeout pitch. Batgirl does not believe this for a second—she thinks TR put their baseball cards up, threw some darts, and that was Twins fifth starter history.

So, it's been hard is the point and Batgirl must admit she was feeling a certain amount of despair on Sunday, as if she may not be able to go on. But then Brad Radke took her in his good arm and said, "Batgirl, sometimes times are rough, sometimes your arm is held together with fish glue and your heart is heavy and the pain it burns it burns and all you want to do is go find some place where the telecommunications companies are excellent and curl up in a little ball with your batkitties and hide from the cold, cruel, incompetent world, but you have to get out there because your team needs you, because the ass-bats are on the rampage because the sucking times are threatening, and because you are Brad Radke and you are here to pitch."

Yes, my dears, Brad Radke put his arm around all of us yesterday, and he showed us something about living. Sometime in the future you will be in a place of great struggle, you will have impossible odds before you, but you will remember Brad Radke on Sunday, and you will get out there anyway, and you will pitch seven beautiful innings without your arm falling off, and it hurts like a bitch but it doesn't matter because you have a job to do, and you do it.

(Now, if only Comcast/Verizon felt the same way…)

P.S. Don't understand waiver trades? McSweeney's Rick Paulas lays it all out.

Announcements

Congratulations to Andrew E., landslide winner of the JMSC contest. Andrew, you are an inspiration to us all. Through your awesome Mauerist sideburns, you have shown us what dedication and perseverance can lead to. May your pitch selection be perfect, may all your bloopers fall in for singles. Andrew, you bat .400 in our hearts.

This weekend, do not forget to check out Johan Santana's Perfect Game at the Fringe Festival.

And get your taste buds ready for BLIZZARD DAY on Aug. 10. Every Blizzard you buy benefits the Children's Miracle Network.

Good news about Liriano, who was just awarded his second straight Rookie of the Month.

Batgirl won't be online much the next week, so forgive her if she is late responding to any emails. She will be spending all her energies setting up her MLB Extra Innings package in Amherst. Except to hear quite a lot of complaining about certain announcers that Batgirl will be subjected to in the near future.

JOE MAUER SIDEBURN CONTEST

I think the reason the Twins turned in such a lackadasical performance tonight is anticipation of the JOE MAUER SIDEBURN CONTEST. And can you blame them? I thought not. The buzz has been building for weeks, and Bravo is in talks with Batgirl over turning it into a reality show. Someday, we'll look back on these humble beginnings with nostaglia--remember when the JOE MAUER SIDEBURN CONTEST was pure and innocent and all about growing great sideburns? Before it got too commercial? Ah, those were the days.

Well, my friend, those days are now.

To help in your voting, please see this week's Sports Illustrated cover, cewarly released to coincide with the JMSC.

Batgirl is surprised to report there was only ONE entry in the CREATIVE EXPRESSION competition. But the entry itself is a clear winner, as you'll see below.

Congratulations to SON OF K-BRO for his victory! SON OF K-BRO has earned the people's ovation and fame forever! SON OF K-BRO, the people salute you!

As for ACTUAL SIDEBURNS, please see the wonderful entries below. Batgirl is very grateful to all of you for showing your support for JOE MAUER and the JOE MAUER SIDEBURN COMPETITION. You are all winners in Batgirl's book.

Please note: These are your fellow Batlings. They will be reading these comments and they have given of themselves to appear on the INTERNET for public display. Any comments about their appearances other than as pertains to sideburns, no matter how complimentary, shall be deleted poste haste.

One.



Two.



Three.



Four.



Five.



Six.



Seven.



Eight.



Nine.



Ten.



Eleven.



Twelve.

BatNote: Batgirl will be off-line for the next ten days or so. RD and Infield will be filling in. BG will be BODSHC through Sunday, then Goober will take over. Please give him all of the honors and respect accorded to the office.

Trade Deadline Watch

Lee to Rangers.

I dunno, you guys. I agree with Aaron. I'm not sure a team that's played .810 baseball for six weeks necessarily needs a big trade. BG wouldn't mind a 4 or 5 starter, but this whole future rotation of Santana, Liriano, Garza, Slowey, Baker/Perkins/Boof is pretty hott and BG doesn't want the dream to die for a rent-a-player. The Twins are in the very weird situation of suddenly having power hitters (Thank you Doctor and Cuddles), the kind of guy who can (and does) change a game with one swing, plus a bunch of guys we need to rotate through the DH role when not starting. We have a little weight to shed--one too many outfielders, maybe, and perhaps in the bullpen, but I don't feel that--unless we can get a deal for a solid 4 or 5, which probably ain't going to happen--we need to move. What thinkest thou?

Edit: The Geek says this is bad news for Twins fans.

Re-Edit: This was posted by BG, on Jeb's computer! Remember, the Internet LIES.

Still yet more edits Fantabulous article on Liriano from USA Today last week.

OKAY ENOUGH WITH THE DAMN EDITS!: SI: Why the Twins are Hot and Why They'll Stay That Way

The Give Pat Neshek a Nickname Contest/Name That Beast

BG doesn't know what the hell she's supposed to do with no baseball. Clearly, it's a nefarious scheme to keep us from winning tonight. Well, we do have important business to attend to. First off, it became very clear that Batlings were crying out to Give Pat Neshek a Nickname. Suggestions taken below, we'll vote next week.

Secondly, during the Bitch Sox series we met this horrible beast.

This trijacevirate seems to be a close relative of this terrible creature: Ghidorah: The Three-Headed Monster.

Readers, what is it called?

Announcing

The First Annual Joe Mauer Sideburn Contest!

Contestants will grow or manufacture one (1) pair of sideburns in the inimitable style of our Chairman. Winner will be determined by popular vote. Winner will receive one (1) item of his/her choice from the BatStore, not to mention the people's ovation and fame forever.

Photos are due to Batgirl July 28 by midnight. Start growing.

Thank you to Mr. Eric for the idea.

EDIT: To check out those burns for yourself, Joe Mauer will be signing autographs at the Mall of America this Saturday, July 15 from 11:00 a.m. - 12:00 p.m. in the Rotunda. He will also be appearing at the

BG and the ASG: Together At Last?

Usually, Batgirl takes this opportunity to bitch about Fox and the All-Star Game and the deeply unfortunately congruence thereof. Maybe it's Batgirl's new anger management skills, or she's softening in her old age, or probably because we're so used to the crimes and depredations that we just don't feel the pain anymore, but Batgirl is left feeling more a low-grade ennui rather than apoplectic rage this year. And at least Ass Face didn't make an appearance, though I'm sure you guys tried to convince Phil Garner to let him pitch the eighth.

Now, before people start patting each other on the back here, I don't want to imply that the coverage was in any way good, didn't invent any new ways to kill Batgirl softly. First of all, guys, you can't have it both ways. You can't tell me "This time it counts," and make a huge deal out of that and then spend entire half-innings talking to the managers. Because aren't they supposed to be, you know, managing? In the pregame, Ozzie Guillen said he was going to manage this game like it was the 7th game of the World Series. Well, how would you know, Oz you never got to the 7th game. You won it in four, huh? In your face, Ozzie.

Oh, wait….

And what the hell happened to Carrie Underwood? Remember when she was cute? One year from winning American Idol and she's already tanorexic and has stopped consuming solid foods. And those Chevrolet commercials are going to be playing constantly when Batgirl goes to hell. And did we have to name the drug that helps you pee "FlowMax?" Can't we just pretend it's not about peeing? Please? For Batgirl? And last year, Miggy got a Corvette for being MVP, and Michael Young gets a Chevy Avalanche? I'm sure he took one look at it and said, "Where's my $@#%!^& Vette?"

Anyway, the soul-numbing that's required to get through this thing without harming one's self or others has wearied Batgirl, so she just wants to leave you with a simple poll:

The Secret to Morneau's Success

Batling Eric found this on YouTube, and whoever posted it is some kind of crazy wonderful genius, and Batgirl wants more more more.

This is clearly why the Doctor has gotten so good this season. He discovered you could use the thing to play hockey.

The M&M Boys, Behind the Scenes

BatMail from WonderWoman:

Dear Batgirl,

I am wondering if you saw the interview on Fox 9 last Sunday with Justin and Joe?

Justin digs the Kraft Easy Mac - I have no idea how many little packets he has to eat to get full - but on their previous road trip he made sure their equipment manager had some on hand in case Justin could not find any.
Justin is the messier of the two and was quite proud of himself when he loaded the dishwasher!
He doesn't mind that Joe gets more attention when they are out together - he is almost relieved that he is an afterthought =)

They have a maid -

They have a fondness for Animal Planet or some animal show when they watch TV - Joe couldn't remember - but it had animals in it.
They like the vacation channel and dream of where they would like to go after the season - as Justin says "somewhere sunny so he can work on his tan" - Justin said he wouldn't mind being the host of that channel - I think that's what he said.
When they have an off day - they just chill - sometimes they take their paintball guns and shoot them at the trees - in Joe's back yard I assume - Joe did have to make it clear to Justin that the dog was off limits- Joe did not want an orange dog.

Justin said they are too young to remember the odd couple - so Jim Rich had him pick another couple to compare them to - Justin said they are more like Dumb and Dumber - he said he was more like Harry.

Justin - ate all of Joe's ice cream - once.

Sincerely,
WonderWoman

What's In Joe Mauer's Tummy?

The Chairman isn't feeling so good! Apparently, he has some "digestive" issues. Justin Morneau swears its not his cooking, so--what's in Joe Mauer's tummy?

Can't decide? Meditate on the topic while playing Lew Ford's Astral Battles!

Mauerist Shirts!

Batgirl thought the Mauerist slogans were so wonderful she decided to make shirts of the top three winners. First, the Ultimate Victor:

Crouching Mauer, Hitting Dragon

Then, the two runners-up:

Mauer to the People.
(The wording of this one evolved in the comments, but if someone would like the original "Mauer to the Meople," please let BG know.)

AND:

The Chairman's Bat is Benevolence to the People and Misery to the Opposition.

Thanks to all who entered. Long live the Chairman!

And the official verdict on Dr. Morneau: By 38% of the vote, Justin Morneau is DREAMY.

Separated at Birth?

Courtesy of Brett McK:

Discuss.

New Game! New Game!

Batgirl's out of town, so no recaps until Wednesday's game. To bide your time until then, Batgirl is very proud to present, courtesy of Kurtis, Lew Ford's Astral Battles!

Thanks for the awesome game, Kurtis. And Lew, keep on reaching for those stars!

Polls! Polls! Polls!

We have so much business on this off-day. Below, please find TWO EXCITING POLLS. The first comes from the comments a few days ago, courtesy of That's Rich. Batgirl found the question so stimulating she had to put it in an entry.

I need a ruling. And this is, I believe, an area that the Batlings are singularly well equipped to arbitrate. The current batch of young Twins is composed of a fine array of talented and attractive young men. But, my wife, poor dear, is having a difficult time telling them apart.

No, not in the traditional "Who's that playing shortstop?" or "What's number 27's name?" kind of thing. My wife is most excellent at that kind of object recognition. Rather, as I have attempted to spell out for her, some of the young Twins are hotties, some are cuties and some are just dreamy. Cases in point:

Joe Mauer - hottie
Nick Punto, Michael Cuddyer, Juan Rincon - cuties
Johan Santana - hottie
Jason Bartlett - dreamy

Alas, however, we have reached an impasse...

Which is Justin Morneau? Is it his cute smile that dominates? Is it his dreamy eyes and languid demeanor? Is it his hot, hot, hot power-hitter skillz? We can't decide.

It's up to you...

Justin Morneau: hottie, cutie or just dreamy?

Note: to all the boyz with emotional ages under 15 who are dismayed by this discussion - yes, I'm a male; yes, happily married; yes, I prefer the opposite gender; no, the foregoing analysis doesn't conflict with that; and I have no problem with it. Flame away if you must, but it says more about you than it does about me...

Dear Mr. Rich--we'll settle this once and for all!

And now, finally, the Chairman Mauer Slogan Contest! The winning slogan will appear on an official BatStore t-shirt. It was very hard to pick the finalists, there were many wonderful entries. Below is just a sample. And remember, we are in no way glorifying Mao, butcher of millions. We're glorifying communism.

The Blogger's Minute: Best. Trade. Ever.

Every month or so, BG does The Blogger's Minute on CCO's Twins Magazine Show with Rita Maloney. Here is today's version.

Well, Rita, Terry Ryan has made a lot of great trades in his tenure, and for some time it looked like the Pierzynski trade, landing us Joe Nathan, Boof, and your 2006 Cy Young award winner The Francisco Kid, was going to go down as the best trade of the decade. But even that has been recently overshadowed by the trade he made on June 9 of this year—that of powerful but inconsistent first baseman Justin Morneau for slugger and future MVP Justin Morneau.

The first Morneau was expected to be the slugger of the future as he came up through the organization, and when he finally reached the bigs he did not disappoint. He made a general habit of hitting the snot out of the ball, including one home run in Miller Park that traveled all the way back to Minneapolis. But then the scouts figured out how to get to him and he began to flounder. Morneau hit his low the next winter when Yahweh decided to test his faith by giving him appendicitis, pleurisy, pneumonia, boils, leprosy, and Vitamin-A deficiency. The first baseman kept his faith despite the troubles, but couldn't seem to find his swing.

"He's a great kid," said Terry Ryan after the trade was made. "We'll miss him a lot, but we needed to inject some power into the line-up."

"He's got tons of potential," agreed Ron Gardenhire. "I think he could thrive in another organization."

As for the new Morneau, he's been nothing but dazzling as a Twin. He's homered 8 times since joining the team two weeks ago, and is second in the league in RBIs. But it's not just his numbers that have impressed his teammates. His leadership, magnetic personality, and Jacque Jones-like easy smile have earned rave reviews.

"He's such a fun guy," said Torii Hunter. "And he's a kickin' DJ. I've always been pretty west side, but that guy's North Side, if you know what I mean."

We sure do.

Net Neutrality and the Modern Bat Girl

Okay you guys. Obviously, there's a lot to talk about here, and BG is very grateful to infield for filling in so excellently and Goober for inspiring the Doctor to new BOD heights and to all of you for bringing the Twins to .500, which feels, tonight, like something akin to Nirvana. But now I'm going to talk to you about something serious. No, really. No, I mean it.

BG never talks about politics here, because politics divides us and Joe Mauer unites us. But today is an exception, because the very survival of this blog and others like it are at stake. Basically, the telecom companies are lobbying Congress to dissolve internet neutrality—the principle that no one but the users can choose what sites they visit. Right now, your ISP can't choose only to provide access to some sites, nor can they charge sites for providing access. But that could change.

The big companies—Verizon, AT&T, Comcast, and Time Warner--want to turn the internet into something akin to cable TV—to charge fees, tier access, control what information you receive, and charge content providers for delivering their sites. Essentially, it would mean web sites like Batgirl would be available only to those who can afford the highest level of service, or would be relegated to a sort of internet back road, or would not be available at all.

The recent Telecommunications Act that passed the House contained a provision that would dissolve Net Neutrality, with Congresspeople on both sides of the aisle bowing to pressure from these lobbyists. Now, the Act is in the Senate, and if it passes as-is the Internet as we know it will die. Meanwhile, there is a bipartisan bill going to committee today that could serve as an amendment to the Telecommunications Act persevering Net Neutrality. For more information, please read Save the Internet.

The Senators will vote on the Act this week, and they will have to choose whether or not they will bow to pressure from lobbyists. They need to know how their constituents feel. Go here: Sign a petition, send an email, or best yet, call your senators and tell them to preserve Net Neutrality.

For Freedom! For Liberty! For Batgirl!

The Chairman Compels You to Pour It On!

Last week, we suggested some Mauerist propaganda slogans--and now that the Chairman is AL Player of the Week his support among the people is reaching new heights. Now is your chance to honor the Chairman as he has honored you with his wisdom and his .OPS. We are sponsoring a Mauerist Slogan contest--Team Batgirl will pick their favorites and then we'll all vote. The best slogan will appear on a BatShop T-Shirt. The Chairman serves the people! The Chairman serves the people!

Picture courtesy of Blue Canoe

Oh, and Vote Mauer, for God's sakes. Click on the picture to the left.

BatBlog Round-Up: Mark of the Beast Edition

A few links while you're enjoying your cupcakes:

New blogs are sprouting up all over the place! There's Twins without Spin in which the elusive Mr. Baseball No. 1 gives his thoughts with a healthy combination of stats and sass, not to mention a strange affection for T-Fat. And Gutter Ball, where SDave, with the help of Neutrino Boi and Dr. Jane, give previews of most games (including projected B.O.D.s) and general commentary. The best Twins trade of the new millennium has yielded a a Boof Bonser fan site as well as the brand spankin' new Thank You Brian Sabean, the San Fran GM who made it all possible. And then Twins Cards is an e-collection of baseball cards sorted by year and it's just darned cool...can't quite remember the roster in 2000? Look at the cards. And finally hot hot Red Wings closer Pat Neschek has a blog, which is pretty much the coolest thing ever. (Thanks to Infield for the heads up.) In other blogger news, BG is crazy about Will Young's Win Probability charts after the games, and find herself quite engrossed with Aaron Gleeman's Top 40 Minnesota Twins. (Bruno was robbed, AG, robbed!)

Meanwhile, for your off-line reading pleasure, Batgirl's been heartily enjoying Mark Lamster's which tells the story of Albert Spalding's mission to introduce baseball to the world in the late 1800's. The book got a pretty kick ass review in the Times on Sunday. Also getting a kickass review in the Times is Torii Hunter, the Man with the Golden Mitt.

And finally BG's somewhat giddy about the prospect of only because it's going to be a long season and she needs something else to amuse herself. Plus when Gardy told him to put on the catcher's gear..."and a cup" she totally heard a few strains of the Nutty song in the background.

Oh, and if you haven't yet....Vote Mauer! Click on the poster to the left.

EDIT Every Day Super Goddess sends BG the best Bday present ever.

It's Time.

Click on the kitty to the left to visit the BatStore.

Vote Mauer

What are you doing right now? Bored at work? Really? Want to waste time on the internet AND support a worthy cause? The Chairman does not even rank among the top five in AL catchers for All-Star voting. Silly, isn't it? We can't get him to win, but we need to give him a better showing than this. Vote Mauer. Pour it on!

I Scream, U Scream, Team BG Screams...

As you all know, BG thinks of nothing but you. When she took the Oath of Bloggiosity, she made a solemn vow that she would use her platform only for good, and she would dedicate herself to helping her readers sort through the endless morass of Twins-themed novelty frozen goods. So when BG discovered Kemps had released four Twins ice creams, she knew she had a job to do, so she called Team Batgirl together for a taste test. Below, as a service to you, Team Batgirl presents their impressions.

N. B. Each flavor of Twins ice cream contains a "chocolate Minnesota Twins cup" which is essentially a chocolate piece in a shape which roughly approximates the state of Minnesota in the way the Batbaby might draw it. These pieces are about 1/4 the size presented on the box, as seen below.

THE ICE CREAMS:
Touch 'Em All Chocolate Malt: Fudge filled chocolate Minnesota Twins cups in malt-flavored ice cream with a thick fudge swirl.

Goober found that this flavor had "surprising legs" and "slowly blossomed." He found it "light-bodied with hints of fig and pomegranate." Jeb thought it had a subtle flavor, "well-suited for a sophisticated palate." Batgirl found the malty nose overpowering, but appreciated the "consistency and commitment." Sooz said it wasn't chocolaty enough.

The package promises chocolately goodness, but the product pales in comparison.


Graham Slam: Marshmallow filled Minnesota Twins cup in graham-flavored ice cream with a graham swirl.

Jeb spent some time appreciating the bouquet—"graham-y," he said, "with a hint of salt...Redolent of a day at the seaside, as long as you spent that day snorting graham crackers." Upon tasting, he found the marshmallow "unconvincing" and the bouquet to promise more than the ice cream delivered. In other words, its smell wrote a check that its taste couldn't cash. Batgirl adored it and remarked with great pleasure that there was a "grahamspolosion" in her mouth. Goober found it more mature than the malt. "Oak-y, with a faint hint of nutmeg." He favorably noted the strong graham taste and longed to enjoy it "with apple juice and a nap on the floor." Sooz said it wasn't chocolaty enough.

Pennant Fever Peanut Butter Peanut Butter filled chocolate Minnesota Twins cups in chocolate-flavored ice cream with a peanut butter swirl.

Jeb said the smell was "chocolaty…tends toward the fudgy," and commented on the "cinnamon notes." Upon tasting, he pontificated that the "peanut butter tastes like ass butter," and "you can really taste the xantham gum." Goober described the taste as a mélange of "coffee, cardamom, tree bark, and feet," and commented that it was "a little too enthusiastic to get to know you but then it doesn't want to stick around to cuddle…Creamy in texture, like a blend of Miracle Whip and yarn." He suggested renaming it to "Batista Butter Blowout," which would "capture the sheer mediocrity as well as the disconcerting overall impression." He also took the quart home with him. Batgirl found the general taste quite pleasing, but the peanut butter as weak as the Yankees farm system, while Sooz said it wasn't chocolaty enough.

TC Fudge Sundae Fudge swirled chocolate Minnesota Twins cups in vanilla flavored ice cream with a thick fudge swirl

Batgirl felt that the ice cream flavor itself was "less vanilla than freezer burn." Jeb found the chocolate chunks to be pleasing, like something that might belong in ice cream, yet not remotely chocolaty, and as a result he was left "dizzy and reeling." Goober described the flavor as "Styrofoam peanuts with a nutella swirl and a hint of marmite…so neutral and cheap that at first it doesn't actually exist." He was disconcerted by the swirl—"as if someone ground up cigars in it, but not bad cigars." After thinking for some time he decided it "tastes like the Ovaltine factory smells." Sooz found it not chocolaty enough.

In sum, Sooz and Jeb liked the more subtle notes of the Touch 'Em All Chocolate Malt, while BG and Goober loved the more overt and welcoming—some may say slutty—taste of Graham Slam. All agreed that, despite the irrepressible lovability of its namesake, TC Fudge Sundae tastes like ass.

The Brawl at the Bitch: A Reenactment

It seems many of BG's readers missed the exciting AJ-inspired Bitch Sox/Cubs brawl on Saturday at US Bitchular Field. This breaks BG's heart and as a service to her readers, she provides for you a reenactment, with Legos.

With the bases loaded, Brian Anderson steps up to the plate.

A sac fly! AJ Pierzynski takes off from third! There's going to be a play at the plate!





Crash! AJ barrels into catcher Michael Barrett! His hat goes flying off!





Safe! Unbridled joy causes AJ to smack home plate.





But my hat! AJ goes for it and bumps into Barrett...





Who punches him in the face.





You bastard! Pods cries, tackling Barrett, Not AJ! He's sensitive!





While the ump restrains Barrett, the benches clear.





Brian Anderson takes a swing at John Mabry, but misses.





The ump pulls Mabry away from Anderson while the crowd shouts, "Rowand would have had that!"





From the dugout, AJ surveys the scene. Animals! You're all animals!

BatCharity Alerts

1. The Miracle League is looking for donations of silent auction items for Miracle League Night at the St. Paul Saints (June 10). The Miracle League is devoted to helping children with physical and mental challenges play baseball in a league. They're looking good donation items from business and individuals--Eileen from the League says, "We're looking for all kinds of things, and thought that people who love baseball would be willing to contribute. Baseball people who do other things for a living --- maybe work in or own a restuarant and could donate a gift certificate, a baseball fan who gives hot air balloon rides, anything, really. A baseball fan with a ton of frequent flyer miles who would donate a trip or something." If anyone has something they'd like to donate to help this great cause, please e-mail Batgirl.

2. Portage for Youth, a St. Paul organization helping at-risk girls, is holding their Grand Slam Gala at the Dome on July 17:

If you've every wanted to throw out an opening pitch at a major league baseball game, this may be your chance. The Portage for Youth's Grand Slam Gala charity event is coming up Monday July 17th and one lucky gala attendee will be throwing out the first pitch! Twins catcher Joe Mauer and St. Paul Mayor Chris Coleman are honorary co-chairs for the event. It's a great opportunity to get good seats for a Twins game (lower reserve), enjoy free food and entertainment at the Dome before the game and support a very worthwhile organization... Order tickets by June 15th and you'll be entered in a drawing to throw out the opening pitch. Tickets are $45 and get you over $50 value (game ticket, catered meal, t-shirt, ticket holder lanyard, etc.) Pre-game event starts at 4:30 pm. Tickets are limited so order early. For more info or to order tickets, visit www.theportage.org or call .

3. Not a charity at all, but if you want to go to the June 11th game with Batgirl and a crowd of Batlings, Batgirl needs your check by Friday. E-mail her if you're interested.

Fina-frackin'-ly.

Legovision park is a reality. Batgirl's chiropractor bills are going to go wayyy down. I don't know if I ever thought this was actually going to happen but Batgirl for one is looking forward to catching opening day 2010 on a grass field with the sun overhead. (Though, frankly, she'd be pretty happy if someone chipped in for a retractable roof.) Lots of people have worked very hard for this, and Jerry Bell should be given some sort of medal of freedom, or at least a long nap. Batgirl hopes Shane at Greet Machine keeps up his excellent stadium blogging so we can follow the construction. As kw says in the comments below, "Twins 2010: Our Ass is Grass."

Meanwhile, bubblemint sends in this triumphant verse, to be sung to "We Are the Champions." She expects the whole front office to be singing it and dousing each other with beer and champagne today.

We’ve paid to go
Year after year
We’ve bought our tickets
And our Dome dogs & beer
We had no choice
Those Vikes made it clear
We’ve watched our baseball team play ‘neath a roof
But deliverance is near…
We will soon be seeing sun and clouds and birds and planes…
We’ll have a stadium, my friends
Yes, we kept on fighting to the end
We’ll have a stadium
We’ll have a stadium
It took forever,
But we’ll have a stadium …finally…
The Dome’s been our home
More than twenty four years
We have seen championship teams
And last place finishes
Triumphs and tears
Though our wait isn’t over
It’ll still take some time
But in a few years we’ll be watching Twins baseball under bright open skies
And the homeruns will fly on and on and on and on…
We’ll have a stadium, my friends
Yes, we kept on fighting to the end
We’ll have a stadium
We’ll have a stadium
It took forever,
But we’ll have a stadium …finally…
-bubblemint

R.I.P. Sammi

Aaron Gleeman's wonderful dog Sammi died earlier this week.

Batgirl's thoughts are with Aaron right now and his family. Batgirl's made a donation toMinnesota Boston Terrier Resuce in her name.

Come to a Game with Batgirl

Batgirl's getting group tickets for the Sunday, June 11 game to belatedly celebrate her birthday (which is on Cupcake Day). Tickets are in 141. Batgirl will be purchasing the tickets the last week in May, so if you want tickets you must pay Batgirl by May 26.

Send Batgirl a check. Tickets are $15 a piece. E-mail BG for details.

Some Random Notes for May.

Some items of BatBusiness as we (finally) roll into a new month:

KC, Justin Morneau's lovely girlfriend, will be doing the Twin Cities Breast Cancer walk. If you would like to support her and make a donation to fight breast cancer, please visit her home page. BG hopes she'll be wearing her "I Make the Doctor Breakfast" t-shirt.

Want to rent a Twins luxury box? Batgirl's got a line on someone with a discount. Prices start at $1000 for a sixteen person suite. Email Batgirl if you're interested.

It's less than five weeks 'til Batgirl's birthday! But of course, you knew that. Batgirl would like to end her annual week of Birthday festivities by seeing a game with a group of Batlings and is going to look into getting group tickets for the June 11th game against Baltimore. To sit in the Home Run Porch tickets would be $15. Please email Batgirl or comment below if you're interested so she can get an idea of numbers.

In August, through no fault of Batgirl's, Batgirl, Jeb, and the Batkitties 3 will be up and moving to Amherst, Massachusetts for one year. They have no baseball in Amherst. They do, however, have cable television and MLB Extra Innings, which Batgirl will be purchasing promptly, and of course Batgirl will be bringing her BlogTron 3000. But if as the summer goes on the blog moves to rantings about hiring movers and putting things in boxes and driving cross country with BatKitties in the BatPrius, you will forgive her. Batgirl wll be back a lot, and will be throwing herself some Twins related party before she goes.

Rondell!

"A hit, a very palpable hit!"
(And two RBIs.)

His cup runneth over

Because this could never possibly get old...

(Somewhere, recovering from her Grandstand Grill crisis, Batgirl sends k-bro a darn lot of proper respect for the pics.)

Every Good-bye is a Hello

After yesterday's Grandstand Grill incident, Team Batgirl has checked Batgirl into a "spiritual retreat" for two weeks. RD will be filling in and Team Batgirl will be taking care of the BOD. Batgirl will return on the 24th with a new sense of inner peace, or so she is told.

Purging the Ass-Bats: A Photographic Essay

Photographer Aaron Reynolds has been generous enough to send Batgirl these lovely pictures of the various strategies of Twins players trying to get the ass out of their bats.

Little Nicky Punto tries to hit ball using the force (and closed eyes).

Huh. Lew said it would work!





Dr. Morneau tries talking gently to his bat.





Sweetcheeks swings a hot bat.





Rondell's Extendo Bat





If these guys can't bat, I will.





Me too!





And Stelly makes three!





I think it's smiling at me...

The Blogger's Minute: Path to Nirvana

Every once in a while Batgirl does the Blogger's Minute on WCCO's Twins Magazine with Rita Maloney. Here was this week's

Well, Rita, there's been a big change in the Twins clubhouse, and I don't mean Lew Ford's new pair of lucky game socks for '06. It's been widely reported that Nick Punto started doing yoga over the off-season but did you know that Tony Batista spent his off days in Japan jetting over to the Himalayas to study with swamis? It's true. When the two of them discovered their mutual affinity, it didn't take them long to join forces and spread their love for the ancient meditative practice among the team. And boy has it caught on. Where last season the clubhouse was full of tension, now the players spend their time quietly admiring each other's asanas. And where they used to fight endlessly over hip hop versus country, now they debate the merits of various yoga styles. While Torii Hunter and Joe Mauer prefer the stamina building of ashtanga yoga, Carlos Silva and Juan Rincon are really all about the gentle, inward, ananda yoga and its repetition of silent affirmations. The clubhouse has become a veritable ashram, with Punto in charge of yoga instruction and Batista acting as spiritual guru, preaching Shauca, or purity, Satya, truthfulness, and Tapas—which is either self-discipline or appetizer-sized portions designed for sharing.

I think this bodes very well for the team in '06--by aligning our chakras we will release more prana, or life force, and learn to convert with runners in scoring position. And with practice and study we will travel along Patanjali's eightfold path to enlightenment and can achieve Samadhi—also known as the post-season.

Namaste, Rita.

'06

Fina-freakin'-lly.

We've waited long enough. Too long, really. The stress has gotten to Batgirl--she's been wandering through the house muttering strange things to herself, talking to her bobbleheads, making the Batkitties run bunting and basestealing drills. Batkitty #1 has a really quick move but Batkitty #2 really needs to work on his Batkitty leadership skills and Batgirl has demoted him to Batkitty Triple A. But then Batkitty #2 played an exhibition game against Batkitties #1 and 3 and kicked the tender vittles right out them and said, "Here's your motherflippin' leadership skills, Batgirl." Or at least he would have if he could talk, which he can't, because he's a cat, and cats don't talk--except when

But now, it's all over, the darkness has lifted, and we can all run around our houses singing "We're Gonna Win Twins." The season is here! The Twins are undefeated! Johan Santana is on the mound, and he stares at the opposing batter and wiggles his butt around and a butterfly flaps his wings in Brazil and a hurricane starts in the AL Central.

Batgirl will not be able to blog as religiously (or irreligiously as the case may be) this year as she would like--you must forgive her when there are no game recaps some days and series round-ups others. The relentless demands of her close personal friend will keep her somewhat busy, and she also wants to prevent Bloggers Burn Out (as seen in the DSM-V, Revised). She will also be gone for two weeks in April and here and there over the summer, but she promises to return better than ever, or at least not noticeably worse.

Opening Day

Please join Batgirl at The Park Tavern in St. Louis Park tomorrow night to watch the game. The bar opens at 5. We'll be meeting in a separate room, the 11th Frame Bar, complete with big TVs and dart boards--please ask for it when you go in. BG asks that no one throw darts at her or Tony Batista.

She apologizes for the West Side location, and next time will try to find something slightly more central.

What to Get the Batgirl Who Has Everything

And it comes out in June, too! Just in time for Batgirl's twenty-fifth birthday!

BG Always Cries at Weddings

Even Bert never did this. The king of baseball pranks.

Sigh

It's like the Twins don't even care about my needs. We could have had Dennys Sampler Reyes on the team. Dennys Sampler Reyes! On my team! Oh, just think of all the fun we could have had together. All the Moon over My Hammy jokes! And--oh--the Grand Slams! Every time he gave up a grand slam we could call it different things, like the All-American Slam, or the Lumberjack Slam, or the Oh, God, My Eyes, My Eyes Grand Slam! Wouldn't that have been fun?

But no. They had to go and cut him. Who do we have in his place, Willie Eyre? See, let me explain something to you--Dennys Reyes is a chunky fellow AND he has a name that looks like that of a tacky artery-busting mega-food chain. That's funny. I can do something with that. Willie Eyre? Name me one funny thing about Willie Eyre. One. Now I can't make any Dennys jokes at all.

And no, Glen Perkins just doesn't cut it.

What happens to a dream deferr'd?
Does it dry up?
like a Raisin in the Sun...?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?

Well, I TOLD you so....

Secure in Their Pitching, the Twins Look for Better Bats.

Dear Batgirl: The Mystery of TC Bear Edition

Dear Batgirl,

How can TC bear be in Florida and simultaneously be teaching young children how to read at Marshall Field's Southdale?

Sincerely,
Donnalove

Dear Ms. Love,

This is an excellent question. I am sure there are some people who might try to convince you that TC is just a guy in a bear suit, like mall Santas without the whiskey-breath, but those people are clearly very, very stupid. The real answer is that, like Saddam Hussein, TC has employed a series of body doubles. It makes sense. A bear of his stature is going to face all sorts of threats, from kidnapping to assassination to wild bee attack. Just think of what might happen if someone (I'm looking at you, Buerhle) put TC under some kind of bear hypnosis and convinced him that Johan Santana was a big jar of honey! In other words, you can never know which TC Bear is the real one. If you study the pictures below you'll notice subtle differences in TC's appearance:

Scary, isn't it?

Sincerely,
Batgirl

Spring Training Pictures!

Batgirl would dearly like to credit the person who sent her these pictures through a photo website, but she has no idea who that is. So, thank you anonymous person with fab spring training tickets!

EDIT They're from Ilk! Ilk the friendly Bitch Sox fan! Thank you Ilk!

Beau Kemp shows his rookie stuff.





Big ass dugout.





Down the middle





Lohse deals.





No, really! There is a team in Tampa Bay!





Dude, that was the wrong bathroom...





I'm not wearing anything underneath the bear suit.





Now, this is how we throw in ninnyland!

Some Items of BatBusiness....

BG would love to watch the opening day game with a crowd of Batlings, but she fears we may be straining the Bulldog's capacity. Does anyone have any suggestions of centrally located sports bars with good capacity?

For your spring reading lists: Batgirl highly recommends the new by Stew Thornley. It's a wonderful, detailed, fascinated history of, well, baseball in Minnesota from the 1800s to now, and it's got the President on the cover! There's a signing party for the book on April 6 at Mill City Museum that should be bitchin'.

Also, one of the best writers in blogdom, Alex Belth of Bronx Banter, has a new book out: .

And finally, BG's close personal friend will be reading at the Borders in Coon Rapids on Saturday at 1:00. For more info, and for other readings, please visit the appearance page of the CPF's website.

Dear Batgirl

Dear Batgirl,

This from Wikipedia:

"Suzyn Waldman is an American sports broadcaster. Starting with the 2005 season, she has been the color commentator for New York Yankees baseball, working with John Sterling on radio broadcasts for WCBS-AM in New York City."

Question: Should girls be allowed to broadcast major league baseball games?

With esteem,

Eric H.

Dear Mr. H.,

Absolutely not. This is a travesty. Chicks don't know anything about baseball. I'm sure she'll talk mostly about how hot they all look in their tight pants.

Except maybe Giambi, who looks pretty ridiculous.

Sincerely,
BG

Math RULES!

SG at YankeeFan Blog (not OUR YankeeFan, alas) crunches the numbers and finds that the TWINS WILL HAVE ULTIMATE VICTORY in 2006! ULTIMATE VICTORY IS OURS!

BatMail: Bitch Sox Edition

Dear Batgirl,

The White Sox have only won five spring training games so far this year (the fewest of any team). Is this because they are saving their wins for the regular season? Or because they used up all of their wins last year? Or has that whole deal-with-the-devil thing just worn off?

Curiously,

hrunting

Dear Ms.Runting,

This is an excellent question and one that has been troubling Batgirl. While of course spring training means nothing, it's still puzzling. Has the post World Series hangover simply not left them? Did Aaron Rowand enact some sort of horrible miniature curse on them when he left? Or is it the revenge of Buehrle's Soul?

Batgirl would welcome any and all theories, as she is bumfuzzled.

Sincerely, Batgirl

A Whole Crapload of Pictures

Over the past week, Batgirl has received plenty of pictures from talented and generous correspondents in Fort Myers. Here are a few, for your Monday morning pleasure.

Two weeks 'til baseball.

From insider:

Lew shows off his sexy farmer's tan.

I like it so much better when I don't have pneumonia.





Viva Venezuela!





Put me in coach.





"So then, Harmon, you say 'Nothing is everywhere either present or absent.' Works every time!"




And then from JimCrikket:

That's so Mauer...





How far back do you think that thing goes?





I'm never washing my back again.





"See, this is the proper grip for a sinker."




And Scott S.:

I run like a duck.





I WILL be the boyfriend of the year, I WILL!





Look! Look! Joe! I'm Paul Bunyan!





I hope the VP Tiffles doesn't notice I'm scratching my butt.





In memoriam....

BatMail

Dear Batgirl,

Um, why are we using old helmets in spring training and vented reptile helmets when the season starts? Is it too cold in Florida for vented helmets? I'm also a bit scared that Lew's going to be distracted by the whooshing sound in the helmet when he runs from the dugout to the plate.

--TwinsCubsSeries

Dear Mr. Series,

Oh dear. Batgirl's been so obsessed with the pixie vests she totally missed this asininity. She also blocked out the COOLFLO from the All-Star Game, or never noticed it at all due to being apoplectic about, you know, Fox. And baseball. And how they should never do baseball. Ever.

So here are the helmets.

Certainly reptialian, and almost reptile-alien, like the old skool Cylons or those lizard guys from V. I feel like I might get pregnant with a reptile alien baby just looking at it and then everyone's going to be sorry. They look like Darth Vader's helmet and a real batting helmet got wasted one night and hooked up, and then the batting helmet got pregnant and Darth Vader's helmet totally left it when it found out--because, you know, evil--and then the real batting helmet drowned its sorrow in glue sniffing and then... voila. CoolFlo.

Moral of this story: you shouldn't sniff glue while pregnant. Or hook up with any part of Darth Vader's armor. Or have alien lizard babies. Or buy stupid-ass helmets.

Sincerely,
Batgirl

And Now, a Word from Our Sponsor

Batgirl is very pleased to announce the publication of a children's fantasy by her extremely close personal friend.

If you are a person who likes books, surely you will like THE SHADOW THIEVES. Batgirl recommends going to bookstores repeatedly and asking for it in as loud a voice as possible. She also recommends telling everyone you know about it. And, of course, visiting the website for the trilogy—yes, that's right, THE SHADOW THIEVES is the first in a trilogy! Of books! Three of them!—where you can do exciting funtivities like read the first chapter, play a thrilling matching game, and learn about the wonderful world of Greek myths. Surely, even if you don’t like books, you should read --if only to see Batgirl's close personal friend go for 80,000 words without using the words "suck" or "ass."

Batgirl apologizes but she will be putting an advertisement for the book on the sidebar. Jeb is making her.

AREA BATGIRL STARTS NEW WORLD CLASSIC

FROM THE AP WIRE

MINNEAPOLIS, MINNESOTA- In the wake of the World Baseball Classic, Minnesota Twins blogger Batgirl has announced that during the last week in March she will be holding a WORLD PING PONG CLASSIC in her parents' basement.

"This is a very exciting opportunity for me to bring professional baseball players to my mom's basement," said Ms. Girl, 24.

Some criticized Ms. Girl for holding the WPPC during spring training. "I don't think the WPPC will detract from the season at all," said Bud Selig. "Because so many of the skills used in ping pong will help our players in the regular season. Besides, we in baseball don't want to put too much emphasis on practice or training or building a team. We don't want to send the kids the wrong message.

"Plus," continued Mr. Selig, "I'm a cheap bastard."

Nonetheless, news of the WPPC rapidly spread through the major leagues, where players eagerly signed up.

"I know I have a chance to make the Twins and salvage the wreckage of my career, and I should give them every opportunity to see me," said pitcher Dennys "Sampler" Reyes a non-roster invite to Twins spring training, "but I can't pass up an opportunity to play for my country."

Not all were as happy about it. Minnesota Twins center fielder Torii Sweetcheeks Hunter expressed his displeasure with the program. "This is the most asinine thing I've ever heard," said Mr. Hunter. "Aren't we supposed to be getting ready for the season? Isn't that our jobs? This is going to hurt the team, and Bud Selig doesn't care because he's a cheap bastard."

The next morning, Mr. Hunter woke up with the head of TC Bear in his bed.

"I think there's a lot of excitement building about the World PP Classic," said Ms. Girl. "And I'm looking forward to unveiling my line of merchandise so ping pong fans all over the world can have a chance to line my pockets with cash.

"Now," she continued, "I just have to get the ping pong table set up."

Notes on a Memorial That Came Too Soon

Please Note: The Twins website has had a shortened version of the memorial on it. The whole memorial will be posted later in the day.

I don't know, you guys. I hope you got to go, or to at least see some of it on television or the internet. I can't really describe the outpouring of love in the Metrodome tonight, but no matter if you've never heard of Kirby Puckett, never seen a baseball game, you would have found it beautiful.

Just a few moments to mention:

-Mudcat Grant gets up to sing "What a Wonderful World" and his voice melts your heart. He was a pretty darned good baseball player, but might have chosen the wrong profession.

-They played the clip from Letterman where Kirby gives the top ten list and we see Torii Hunter, who has probably not laughed in a week, cracking up.

-Andy MacPhail starts to talk about what Kirby meant to the team and meant to him, and chokes up.

-Gardy, who has rushed through his speech maybe so he wouldn't choke up too, promises us all that the Minnesota Twins will play Kirby-style baseball—always hustling out grounders, always putting on a show, always having fun.

-Tom Kelly, the last to speak, brings up all the current and former Twins in attendance and they stand on the field surrounding him. TK tries to give his speech and cuts himself off abruptly, "I'm done," he says gruffly and leaves the podium so 20,000 Twins fans don't see him cry.

-At the end of the exquisitely orchestrated final moments in a darkened Dome, a spotlight turns on a Puckett jersey lying alone in center field while a trumpet plays Take Me Out to the Ballgame hauntingly.

I don't know. I think if we succeed in touching a few people in our lives the way Kirby Puckett did hundreds of thousands we can count ourselves very lucky. I think, at least, we can aspire to do that. And all I can say is if you have 20,000 people come to mourn your passing, you've done something right.

EDIT: If you'd like to watch it online, it's up at MLB.com

Kirby Memorial

For those out of town, the Kirby memorial will be broadcast live on twinsbaseball.com. KFAN will be playing it on the radio and they have a live stream on their site http://www.kfan.com . Also, apparently WCCOradio.com will have the audio available on their site as well. In the cities, the local UPN channel and KSTC will be carrying it.

From MLB.com:

More details of the public tribute to Kirby Puckett that will be held at the Metrodome at 7 p.m. CT on Sunday night have been released.

Longtime Twins radio broadcaster John Gordon will emcee the event, which will include testimonials from Puckett's friends and family including Kent Hrbek, Torii Hunter, Tom Kelly, Harmon Killebrew, Andy MacPhail, Al Newman, Cal Ripken Jr. and Dave Winfield.

The Puckett family has requested that in lieu of flowers, contributions be made to either the Kirby Puckett Memorial Fund c/o the Twins Community Fund or the American Heart Association.

Here are the addresses of those charities:

Kirby Puckett Memorial Fund
c/o Minnesota Community Foundation

Saint Paul, MN 55101-1797

American Heart Association

Minneapolis, MN 55435

The memorial will be televised live by Channels 29 and 45 in the Twin Cities and can also be seen live on twinsbaseball.com.

Final Thoughts

Looking for the Kirby tribute? Click here or scroll down.

Everyone here has been so remarkable. It has been so wonderful to hear everyone's stories and be able to grieve together. I cannot tell you how much it's meant, and thank you, all.

I cannot even find the words to express how touching the response to this horrible tragedy has been. Just read some of the comments in the entry below. Start somewhere random and read ten of then, or fifty, or all 225, and read about the way this one man, this baseball player, has touched people. So many of the comments were from fans of other teams who wrote to express their sorrow, their admiration, even their love for our number #34. My e-mail box, too, is flooded from people around the country expressing their condolences and their tributes-what a great man to inspire all of that. How lucky we were to have him play for our team.

There have been so many stories in the last few days, in articles, on the radio, on websites--please feel free to talk about some of your favorites below. WCCO ran a two hour radio broadcast about Kirby (and FSN is running one tonight at 6:30) and it was all filled with the stories of things Kirby did, small and big, that showed how special he was. From personalizing a baseball card when he wasn't supposed to, to paying for a South African girl to get a new heart, Kirby was extraordinary.

It has been difficult for me to describe my grief to friends who do not live here, who do not follow baseball. And I am sorry for those who did not know him to grieve him. Torii Hunter's words sum it up so well--"I didn't just lose a teammate and a friend. I lost Kirby."

I hope when the Twins get their new stadium, they can find a way to call it Kirby Puckett Park. I know the opportunity to take $80 million to have Medtronic Ballfield will be hard to resist. At the same time, the entire organization has said they would not be where they are without Kirby, and I hope they can make the ultimate tribute to him. And if they can't do it, I hope Guidant, Target, Boston Scientific, Northwest, 3M, General Mills, ...whoever, can find a way to make it happen.

Three final thoughts: on Sunday night there will be a memorial for Kirby at the Dome. Doors open at 6, the ceremony starts at 7.

Also, many people have written to ask what charities Kirby supported. When he was a player he was heavily involved in Children's Heart Link and Tonya Puckett is still on the board. Make a donation, and tell them Kirby sent you.

Finally, Kirby Puckett was an organ donor and it looks as if his kidneys may help his sister, and his other organs could help as many as eight people. Look here to find out how to become an organ donor.

How lucky is the person who gets his heart?

Batgirl will write something very silly this weekend, not because her heart is not heavy, but because there is baseball to play, and as a new blogger in town says to the hypothetical question, "Should we be laughing at a time like this?" "Absolutely not. If there is one thing that Kirby would not approve of, it’s jocularity in the face of tragedy. Or doing something you love when it is hardest."

EDIT ESPN Classic will have an all-Puckett day Thursday, starting at 1 pm, which will include Game 6 of the 91 World Series.

Good-bye, Kirby Puckett

I have mourned Kirby Puckett three times in my life.

The first was in 1996 when he was ripped too early from the game that he loved. It was such a tragedy, such a ridiculous, terrible end to a glorious career. I couldn't imagine baseball without Kirby, or Kirby without baseball.

Maybe he couldn't either. The second time I mourned him was when the allegations hit. Infidelity. Domestic abuse. Harassment. It couldn't be true. We all struggled to put together the rumors with Kirby—the teddy bear shaped hero of our most glorious baseball dreams. We shook our heads and said the myth is just a man after all. We said we created him and now we are facing the consequences. We said that there are no heroes. Kirby was acquitted, but still the cloud of suspicion hung over him. Not a myth, just a man.

And now I am mourning Kirby Puckett for the third time. And it is horrible. And I wish so much I could go back to mourning him the way I had before.

I could never reconcile the two Kirbys, reconcile my beloved number 34 with that strange dark-clouded man. Maybe he couldn't either. Maybe that's why he disappeared from us, why he so tragically destroyed his body. What Kirby did not know, it seemed, is that it didn't matter anymore. We didn't want to reconcile them, didn't care about the dark clouded man, for the first Kirby has meant too much to us. Nothing else mattered. We wanted him back—the myth and the man. We had tried life without Kirby Puckett and we didn't like it one bit.

As Bert Blyleven said on a broadcast a couple years ago, "If you don't love Kirby Puckett, you don't love life." That is the thing with Kirby Puckett, you just love him. Genuinely, truly love, like a friend, a family member. And Bert was more right than he knew, because something about Kirby showed you how to love life. Kirby was joy, personified, and his joy infected everyone around him. We are all happier people for having had the privilege of having him play for our team, having had the privilege of knowing him.

And now Kirby's life, like his career, was just cut horribly short. We never will get the chance to welcome him back, to tell him how much we love him. And it is our very great loss. Not Kirby's though, for, as someone said in the comments yesterday, right now Bob Casey is announcing his arrival in heaven. And everyone stands and cheers as he says, "And now, number thirty-four….KIRRBEEEEEEE PUCKETT!" And up there man and myth are one and it is beautiful.

Kirby is still with me, and always will be. Somewhere in the back of my mind he is still jumping up and grabbing homeruns, still circling the bases pumping his fist, still smiling his Kirby-smile. Jack Buck says, "We'll see you tomorrow night," and we ride on Kirby Puckett's back all the way to glory. He is there with us, reminding us why we love baseball, reminding us to love life. And still, a hero.

Batgirl will return to regularly scheduled blogging later in the week.

EXCLUSIVE! EXCLUSIVE! MUST CREDIT BATGIRL!

Thanks to her TOP SECRET connections with the Japanese mafia and also the guy who sells popcorn at Hammond Field in Fort Myers, Batgirl was able to arrange an EXCLUSIVE interview with the newest Twin, Tony Fatista. Here is the transcript:

BG: So, I was wondering if you could tell us how you feel things are going so far.

TF: Well, you know what it's like just starting with a new team. You don't know anyone, so you really do your best to try to fit in. And I think that's going really well.

BG: How do you mean?

TF: Well, for instance, in today's game I hit into a double play with runners in scoring position, and then I struck out with the bases loaded. I think that makes me one of the guys.

BG: Uh-huh.

TF: I know, I know. It would have been better to hit into the double play with the bases loaded. Next time I'll do better.

BG: Mr. Fatista--

TF: Please, call me Tony.

BG: Right. Tony, so far your spring training batting average is .000. When do you think you might get your first hit?

TF: Well, I don't know, Batgirl. I don't want to rush things. The hitting will come, but first I want to practice my striking out and my grounding to shortshop. I really want to be more than a one tool player.

BG: Uh-huh... And...which tool is that?

TF: I'm not really sure. But when I left the Orioles, Cal Ripken told me I was a giant tool. It was really flattering having a Hall of Famer say something like that.

BG: Uh-huh.

TF: Also, it's hard to see the ball over my gigantic beer belly.

BG: Yes, that reminds me. Tony, you showed up at camp fifteen pounds overweight. After Terry Ryan took a chance on you, wouldn't it have been better to show you're really committed to the team by coming to camp in shape?

TF: Oh, I'm committed all right. Every time I ate a donut this off-season, I thought about how happy I was to be with the Twins. They're a great organization and they really have a shot at the playoffs. Plus, there's a Krispy Kreme right by the team hotel.

BG: Okay, well, thanks so much, Tony, for talking to us.

TF: No problem, Batgirl! Sayonara!

It's About Frackin' Time

First spring training game. Twins v. Bo Sox. Thursday, 6pm, Fox Sports Network. Our long national nightmare is ending.

And Johan, sweetcakes--be careful.

Caption Contest

Swiped from

Forever Your Girl

Pulled from the comments:

That's Barry Bonds as Paula Abdul. Batgirl thinks that's one of the most disgusting things she's ever seen. Minnesota Twins: Hottest Chick is something pure and beautiful, and here Barry Bonds had to go and ruin it.

Also, Barry, uh...nice rack.

Dear Batgirl: WBC edition

Dear Batgirl,

Please help me. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I'm so nervous about the WBC. We have 15 players on various rosters and if Johan Santana so much as stubs his toe I'm going to have a heart attack. What do I do? Can we give them all bubble wrap treatment before they go?

Sincerely,
Sleepless in St. Louis Park

Dear Sleepless,

I know, I know. Batgirl's had to up her Xanax quotient as this blasted thing draws closer. When the games start she's going to have worse blood pressure than Gardy. Batgirl recommends constant consumption of alcoholic beverages during the WBC--you can use a thermos at work. Remember, vodka doesn't smell on your breath. As for bubble wrap, Batgirl herself has delivered four industrial size rolls to Fort Myers. She thinks they know what to do.

Viva Venezuela,
Batgirl

America's Next Top Model

Through top secret channels (okay, Wonder Woman sent them) Batgirl has gotten a hold of the JOE MAUER FASHION SPREAD from Travel and Leisure. The results may shock you.

I'm bananas for fashion!

Oh, Garfield, you crazy puss!





Man, Torii's going to kick the crap out of me for this.





This is better than my Cretin yearbook shot!





Oh, Batgirl slays me!





This sweater is tighter than Torii's butt.





Hello, ladies. I am Johan Santana's battery mate.

Because "This is Twins Territory Until We Contract the Team" Doesn't Play As Well.

The Twins have unveiled their new commercials. Sweetcheeks can come to BG's birthday party any ol' day.

Spring Training Pictures

Spring Training Pictures from Insider:

Introducing...

Clara the BatBaby, just in time for spring training. Congratulations to Goober and Sooz, who have made a very happy Auntie Batgirl.

Pitchers and Catchers Report!

Thank god almighty! Man, it's about freakin' time. BG knows there are many lucky Batlings heading down to the Nirvana of Spring Training this year--she expects stories, pictures, and of course lots of swag.

Be A Big Brother

As pitchers and catchers gather in Florida, David E. sends this nice picture to remind us of what we have to look forward to next year.

Twins Valentines

BG got a sneak peak into the Twins Valentine mailbox! Here's what she saw:

Big Crawdaddy, I Wish I Could Quit You

Matt LeCroy/ Big LeRoy/ Big Country/Crawddady/ Softball Sammy/ Matty Go Boom to Nats.

Will, he's coming even closer to you. And take good care of him, Ball Wonk.

Johan v. Garcia, Redux

From BadAndy48:

GOOD NEWS FOR THOSE WITH CABLE:

Who: Bitch Sox @ Twins, Garcia vs. Johan
What: Classic Twins 1-0 victory on a Jacques Jones homer in the 8th
When: tonight (Monday), 8:00pm CST
Where: Fox Sports Net North
Why: Because they like to tease us

Some thoughts:
- I was at that game and will remember it for a long, long time. I'll bore
my son talking about it when I take him to a game some day.

- I know we had to let him go and that we was a very undisciplined hitter,
but I'm really going to miss Jacque!

- I love that they're broadcasting this game again, but it seems almost
cruel to supply such a tastey appetizer of the season when it's still so far
away . . .

Things Batgirl Does During the Superbowl...

Two more offseason pick-ups, and the question rings eternal: If they were chicks, which one would be hotter?

Rubena Sierra	Rondelle White

BatQuandry the Third

A farmer needs to get Batgirl, Johan Santana, and George Steinbrenner across a river. He has a small boat and can only take one person at a time. But he needs to be careful. If he leaves Johan alone with Steinbrenner, Steinbrenner will try to sign him. If he leaves Steinbrenner alone with Batgirl, she'll unleash a furious ninja attack.

How does he get all these people across the river in his boat?

More Philosophical BatQuandries

Yesterday, we discussed the philosophical implications of having Batgirl, Johan Santana, and George Steinbrenner stuck in a lifeboat. The following exchange occurred, and Batgirl found it quite stimulating.

From Public Enemy Mike:

Dear Batgirl

What if we removed Mr Steinbrenner and replaced him with Mr Pohlad. How would Batgirl handle that situation ?

p.e.m.

From YankeeFan (soon to be a father):

and PEM, Batgirl would not have a chance to "handle" the situation if it were Pohlad. Pohlad would immediately drown BG and Santana and keep any supplies for himself. When rescued, he'd toss the captain of the rescuing ship (as well as any passengers, stowaways, animals, cute and fuzzy bunnie) overboard and take the ship and its contents for himself. When asked to pay for the gasoline used for the voyage to save him, he'd likely respond "let the taxpayers pay for it."

Discuss.

Dear Batgirl II

Dear Batgirl:

Your answer to the notorious "Valentine's Day" conundrum being so, well, Solomonic, I have decided to pose to you (no, not *for* you) the classic lifeboat question. Batgirl, Johan Santana, and George Steinbrenner are in the same lifeboat after the tragic sinking of the luxury liner on which they routinely spend every fourth week of the year. There are plenty of supplies, and help is expected to arrive within 24 hours. What do you do?

"Confused"
Portland, OR

Dear Mr. Confused,

This is an extremely difficult question. Batgirl is against the murder of innocents, and even noninnocents, but obviously three is a crowd in that boat. The solution may be very easy though, as it is likely Mr. Steinbrenner would start making offers to Mr. Santana, and Batgirl would fly into a BatRage and, with her super human strength, kick Mr. Steinbrenner all the way to the Lost island. Which solves a lot of problems, actually.

Sincerely,
Batgirl

Dear Batgirl..

(pulled from the comments)

Dear Batgirl,

To expound on the jersey talk, is a Twins jersey an appropriate Valentine's Day gift for the significant other? Background being that the significant other is not yet a Twins fan, but will be soon if I have any say in it...

Sincerely,
Eric

Dear Eric,

I'm so glad you wrote. Valentine's Day gift shopping can be a stressful time for anyone, and Batgirl is glad to see you are putting such thought into your gift. Batgirl thinks that, while a Twins jersey is a most excellent Valentine's gift for many women, she hesitates to suggest getting one for a woman who has not yet discovered the wonders of baseball. For that really becomes a gift for the giver (much like lingerie, but less slinky). The true way to a woman's heart is to buy her a gift that shows you've really considered what she wants, then once you've softened her up, you can begin to mold her in whatever shape you want. Buy her the right present and she'll be getting her own jersey by opening day!

That said, it is also important to avoid getting her something she'll like too much. Batgirl once got a boyfriend Tecmo Super Bowl and she never saw him again.

Sincerely,
Batgirl

Do you have any other questions for Dear Batgirl, sartorial or metaphysical? Please send them to Batgirl

Doctor, Moonlighting?

Is the Doctor an extreme drummer? Reader, you be the judge!

(Scroll down to Freestyle hands and check out #37)

TwinsFest: Should We Stay (Home) or Should We Go?

A Batling writes to ask what Twins Fest is like, how much waiting in line there is, and what does one have to do to cuddle Justin Morneau. Batgirl can only offer this exciting photo montage. Can you guide him?

Help a Batling: Fashion Edition

Pulled from the BatComments:

I need some advice.

I'm trying to decide which jersey to get for the upcoming season, and am stuck choosing which one. I'm leaning towards the gray away jersey, but the blue home is narrowly behind.

I figured this was the best place to ask for fashion advice... any thoughts?

-Eric

Dear Eric, these are difficult decisions, esepcially in trying times such as these. It is important to remember there is no right answer, that jersey selection is a personal choice and no matter what you choose, it will be the right one because YOU chose it. Batgirl has a powder blue replica jersey with "Batgirl" on the back from Goober and Sooz. Jeb has a white pinstripe home jersey with Koskie on the back. Goober has an old skool jersey with the number 34 on the back. All are valid choices, even if Goober's has a mustard stain on it. The point is, as Derrida says, there are no absolute truths, jersey-wise--except, of course, that pixie vests suck.

Love,
BG

BatMail: LewCompendium Edition

Dear Batgirl:

Recently, I've become an adoring Twins fan, and along the way, I've noticed how hilarious of a creature Lew Ford is. Just from Googling around (and hearing personal stories from the Twins beat writers), I've found out so may quirky things about him. I know everyone's completely aware of his quirks, but I got sick of having to scan the entire web for Lew knowledge. I decided to try to put all the best of Lew's news in the form of a blog that I like to call For the love of Lew.

I'm just starting it up, and I'm asking for your help to recruit Twins fans! The fans will be the basis of the site, posting news and discussions (in the form of comments). I hope it'll end up being a really fun and thorough site once it gets rolling. For the moment, I only have an initial introductory post, because I want the first visitors to just get the idea of what I'm going to do. Once I see I have some visitors I'll do my first post.

If you think this is something you'd like to help me with, could you possibly link to me or alert your faithful Twins fan following of my site? My site will really be nothing without readers, so I'd greatly appreciate it!

Signed, Team Lew

BG says: A worthy endeavor indeed, Ms. Lew. Let the legend of Lew Ford grow!

BatCharity Alert: Hot Stove League Banquet Edition

Dear Batgirl,

As a loyal reader of your site these past few years I would like to ask for your assistance in letting your Batlings know about our upcoming event. Our group of ball fans will be hosting its 24th Annual Ballpark Tours Hot Stove League Banquet and Charity Auction on Fri., 1/27, 6 to 9 pm at the Bandana Square Center, 1021 Energy Park Drive, St. Paul. As with past years, all funds from our auction goes to the Dunning Field Little League that is in the Summit Universty neighbrhood of St. Paul. We have raised over $30,000 for these kids since 1982! This year our lineup includes our host and MC Brad Zeller of The Rake magazine, Twins great and Hall of Fame member Rod Carew, St. Paul Saints manager George Tamis, former Twins executive and co-owner Clark Griffith plus a special tribute to Negro League great Ted "Double Duty" Radcliffe. Tickets are an affordable $25 and can be purchased at Anodyne Coffee, 43rd & Nicollet, Mpls, Golden Thyme Coffee, 921 Selby, St. Paul and Old Man River Cafe, Annapolis & Smith in West St. Paul or by calling . If available, they are $30 at the door. Our banquet is not your "father's hot stove get-together". It is a fun, irreverent and raucous time where young, middle age and elder fans join with each other to disect the previous year and celebrate the upcoming baseball season.

Yours, twinsfansam

It's That Time of Year

Spring Training is nigh, and Goober, Sooz, and the BatBaby-To-Be-Named-Later got to spend a little time checking out Hammond Stadium in Fort Myers. The BatBaby said that it was all pretty good but still refuses to come out until pitchers and catchers report.

Because Batgirl Cares

The days are growing longer again and the sun is peeking out from the clouds. Oh five has become Oh Six! and suddenly, after a long, cold, and ultimately flaccid offseason, we are a few weeks away from being able to utter the greatest four words of the year: pitchers and catchers report.

There was much talk earlier about how one gets through the off-season. Batgirl, personally, has hid under the covers wrapped around a bottle, only to come out occasionally to sit on the stoop and swear at children. There have been some hallucinations, too--something about a dark wood and Corey Koskie, but it's best not to get into that.

You? Batgirl worries. You know how she worries. Have you been holding on?

The Whole Truth

In a development that will shock nobody, the Minnesota Twins have filed a lawsuit asking to get out of their Metrodome lease after 2006. As you may recall, it was the team's Metrodome lease that kept Carl Pohlad from cutting the team into bits and selling the players' organs for cash on the black market in 2002.

While team officials were quick to say that this lease issue had absolutely nothing at all in the world to do with the stadium issue and was by no means a thinly-veiled threat to move the team if the ballpark bill isn’t passed and how on Earth could Batgirl think such a thing, Batgirl still remained skeptical. So, she called one of her sources inside the Twins organization. Here is the transcript:

BG: So, Anonymous Source, is this a posturing move? Are the Twins trying to threaten the fans again?

AS: No, no, it isn't this time. The Twins have a real problem with the Metrodome Commission. They're very restrictive.

BG: Right. Something about box seats and…

AS: No, that's not it. I mean, sure, it's a problem and the Metrodome Commission isn't playing fair with the organization. But the real issue is their stringent no puppy eating policy.

BG: (Pause) No Puppy Eating? Is that something about concession rates?

AS: No, no, it's quite literal. We in the Twins organization like to snack on puppies for lunch. And the Dome guys won't let us.

BG: ….

AS: Some people like your basic working dog, but that's too tough for me. I prefer something from the hound group—a good Basset puppy just bursts with flavor. You should try it with soy sauce.

BG….

AS: We would lure children who were walking their puppies on the plaza in and then eat the puppies. The children's tears made for nice seasoning. Until the Metrodome cracked down.

BG:…

AS: You know what's also delicious? Orphans. I don't know what it is, something about losing both parents makes for a very tender, rich meat.

BG:…

AS: They don't allow that, either. So we had to sue. Anyway, I hope in 2007 the Minnesota Twins can find themselves at a place that doesn't restrict puppy-eating. And if we have to move the team, well, the tears of baseball fans, young and old, will just help us season our puppies.

BG:…

AS: Oh, and the orphans. Them, too.

The Girl Who Loved Corey Koskie

It was supposed to be a short cut, that was all. For the girl was tired after visiting her grandmother, and still had to blog—even though it wasn't the same anymore. It hadn't been the same all season, without him.

She had been told, of course, never to go into the woods. And when she was young, she was scared of them, for strange sounds emerged from there at night. Something was in those woods, she was told, something not quite of this earth.

But she was older now and not scared of much besides Francisco Rodriguez and Batkitty blackheads. She had given up childhood fears. She was not scared of the woods. The woods were lovely, dark, and deep. And it would be so much shorter, to cut through them…. Just straight ahead, no problem, just like that…

But it got dark so quickly in the woods, and the shadows made such strange shapes. There—is that the trip through the NL West? A strange caw came from the distance, and from somewhere else, a raven's cry—Hee-Seop Choi! Hee-Seop-Choi? The girl's heart began to pound, and behind her she heard the approach of heavy footsteps—was that C.C. Sabathia? Was he coming for her? She began to run, run as fast as she could through the woods, through the terrible darkness, with the footsteps behind her all the way, growing closer and closer and then—

Her foot struck something and she plummeted to the ground, the bones in her ankle shattering. Who put that ass-bat there? It didn't matter, now, there was no time for recriminations, for the footsteps were almost upon her, she was in third place, and soon it would all end horribly.

No, no, she told herself, her heart pounding, you can get through this. Just think of Corey Koskie. His light will show you the way. And so she did, she closed her eyes and she thought of Corey, Corey would not be scared. Corey would just beat up a chair and hit lots of homers and say "eh?" Corey Koskie was not scared of anything. And maybe if she wished hard enough, Corey Koskie would come save her now.

Please Corey Koskie. she whispered. Please, come save me. Corey Koskie, you are my only hope.

And then, suddenly, there was a light in the sky and the girl's heart swelled. The light grew and took shape and suddenly became a person—Corey? He was coming! He was coming to save her from all of this!

No, no, not Corey, but an angel, great and terrible, he had white hair and a shiny palette, and he said, "I am sorry, young girl, but Corey Koskie is not coming for you. He's been traded to Milwaukee."

And then the angel shrugged and added, "I've asked Tony Batista to come save you. He's a real free swinger."

And then the girl was mauled by a bear.

Finis.

The Get To Know 'Em Twins: Goodbye to All That

With Jacque Jones gone, we can bid an official good-bye to the era of the Get-To-Know-'Em Twins. Only Torii Hunter remains of the group of position players that came up through the system together and broke into the majors together. First Ortiz left, then A.J., then Doug, then Corey, Guzie, Rivas, and now Jacque. None of these players was a superstar, each one could break your heart several times a week, and, other than AJ, none really reached his full potential with the Twins. Yet together, they pulled off something beautiful.

When they came to the majors, they continued the Twins' grand tradition of losing, floundering around like the Bad News Bears they were. But then something strange happened—in 2001, they began to win. Doug Mientkiewicz hit .400 in April, Cristian Guzman seemed poised to become a superstar, and for a time these ragtag band of misfits and losers sat atop the American League Central.

It didn't last—Guzie got hurt and the team fell back to earth, but as the season drew to a close, the team whispered a promise: wait 'til next year.

No one expected the team to win the next year, or the year after that, or the year after that, but win they did—for three years in a row, together so much more than the sum of their parts. They played the game beautifully, with a perfect combination of reverence and irreverence, they were a joy to watch, and they helped the state of Minnesota love baseball again.

They're gone now, and with the dawn of 2006 we have a new team of misfits to follow. We'll win with them, too, and it will be beautiful, too—but to look forward to the future does not mean we shouldn't take a few moments to honor the past, for there was just something about that team. So, to the Get-To-Know-'Em Twins, scattered across the four winds (or at least four divisions) thank you for everything.

Tales From the Crypt, Vol. III

Look what BatMom dug out of the basement this Christmas!

Happy Holidays From Team Batgirl!

Trying this again...

May your days be merry and your nights filled with dreams of HRs with RISP, and may your holiday wishes (especially if they involve a DH) come true. And for those suffering from the loss of a boyfriend this holiday season, remember, Jeb was there just a year ago.

B-G.com will be closed until the New Year, barring any exciting developments. In the meantime, play lots of Santana Claus v. the Mall-goers.

Tony Batista: Menace II Pitchers

Our offensive woes are over! This video is good evidence that Tony Batista strikes fear in opposing pitchers hearts!

Thanks to RD for the link.

New Game and Shameless BatPromotion

Kurtis has a new game! Santana Claus vs. The Mallgoers. Wheeeeeee!

Also, both Batgirl and the marvelousAaron Gleeman have been nominated for Best MLB Blog of 2005. B-G.com has also been nominated as Best Humor Blog. Thanks to whomever nominated Batgirl, as well as Red Reporter. Voting runs through January 2.

Rest in Peace, Marie Roof

As you may remember, former Red Wings manager Phil Roof retired this year after his wife Marie was diagnosed with cancer. Marie died last week at the age of 63.

Cards can be sent to: Phil Roof, c/o Rochester Red Wings, One Morrie Silver Way, Rochester, New York 14608.

Offseason Pick-Ups: Hottest Chicks

Well, I'm sure Batgirl's friends at White Sox Interactive will have a much more exciting round, with so many players to choose from. (I mean, one thing about Jim Thome--he may be a touch breakable, but dude is a super hot chick.) But Pohlad's got a lot on his mind, like scheming to drive George Bailey and the Bailey Savings and Loan out of Bedford Falls forever, so we have to work with what we can.

Toni Batista	Lusitania Castillo

The Power of Poetry

Dear Bitch Sox,

Last August, Batgirl posted a haiku themed entry. Here was one of the haiku.

Thank you for obliging.

Love,
Batgirl

HOF Voting: Batling Edition

Yesterday, thanks to Batling Chris, we discussed Bert Blyleven's Hall of Fame candidacy. The truth is, there are several former Twins who deserve consideration. Now, Batlings, you are the committee. One former Twin can go. Who is it?

BatMail: HOF Ballot Edition

Batgirl,

There are things in this world that are so patently unjust, it makes one's insides clench and one's synapses fire all rage-ily, causing one to invent new words in a desperate attempt to describe that damnéd state. Arguably the greatest example of such a thing is the continued lack of a plaque in Cooperstown honoring perhaps the greatest of all Dutchmen, Rik Aalbert Blyleven. With the release of the ballot, I am again reminded of the collective idiocy of the Baseball Writer's Association of America. Aside from the fact that their acronym is BBWAA, implying that Ball is a distinct word, their continued reliance on the gold standard of 300 wins is misguided at best. Listing stats runs contrary to our goal of emphasizing sass over stats, but here the stats pile up to a whole heap of something that sure smells like the Hall of Fame.

-242 Complete games. No bull. We could really stop right here.

-287 wins, good enough for 25th all-time (even though wins are a severely overrated statistic dependent on good hitting, good defense behind you, and decisions out of your control).

-3,701 K's, good enough for 5th all-time. Incidentally, he's the only player in the top 12 not named Roger Clemens or Randy Johnson that's not in the Hall.

-60 career shutouts, good enough for 9th all-time. Everyone else in the top 25 is in the Hall, except former Twin Luis Tiant (T-21st with 49).

In regards to his "grit," usually a wholly sassy characteristic, certain statistics can be brought to bear on his Hall-worthiness in this regard. He was a workhorse: 13th all-time in IP (the top 12 are
all in the Hall, and he's ahead of guys like Seaver and Mathewson). 9th all-time in Games Started. Bottom line, he was good enough for long enough for the manager to keep sending him out there.

-Continuing with grit, we'll focus more on the sassiness of his stoic demeanor. The man didn't go all Klohsey or Romeral after giving up a home run. He faced his disappointment, overcame it, shrugged his shoulders, and went on pitching. Stoic, sure, but more than that, he was self-confident and unshakeable, which is truly at the heart of sass.

-Nastiness. He had, by almost all accounts, the nastiest curveball around. Dave Winfield (Note: Mr. Winfield is good at baseball), called Bert's curve "a bowel-locking, jelly-leg-inducing curveball."

-Clutch. He has a career 5-1 postseason record, with a 2.47 ERA.

-Durability and Consistency. He was the Rookie Pitcher of the Year in 1970. He was the Comeback Player of the Year (coming back from arm surgery) in 1989. In between, he pitched a no-hitter, pitched in a couple All-Star games, and put a couple of World Series rings on his fingers.

In addition, we must take into account subjective accomplishments and the extenuating circumstances leading to Blyleven's failure to reach 300 wins, which would surely have led to his enshrinement long ago.

-Bad luck. He just has to lead the all-time list in going the distance for a team, keeping them close, only to watch Rivas-like players ground out weakly to short to lose another 1-0 game. Unfortunately for our purposes, Elias and MLB apparently do not keep records for such a statistic. More's the pity.

-Again, bad luck. He played for some pretty garbage teams in his day, including the Twins, Rangers, Pirates, Indians, and Angels. Hence the Radke-like run support. To this point, I offer that he won 15 games by a score of 1-0. Only Christy Mathewson and Walter Johnson won more 1-0 games.

-Bad situations. He pitched in a statistically significant amount of hitter-friendly ballparks, turning a lot of warning-track fly balls into just-barely home runs.

-Overcareful managing. In the 1979 season with the Pirates, Bert ran into an arm-saving manager, Chuck Tanner, who routinely held top starters to seven innings and often fewer. Not normally a problem, except that the '79 Pirates didn't have much of a pen (Tanner ignored the arm-saving philosophy for the playoffs, and they won the Series). Bert lost five games that year. He had 20 no-decisions (a record).

More than any statistic, the Baseball Writers want to elect only players that were emblematic players of their respective days. Fine, I'll play along. English has co-opted a German word, Zeitgeist, which
means "spirit of the time." Dutch is the latest distinct modern language to break off from the Germanic branch of languages. Bert is Dutch. What's more, he was born in a town named Zeist. Zeist? Zeitgeist? Eerie.

Not just for my sake. For the People's sake. For baseball's sake. And yes, for Christ's sake, put Bert in the Hall.

Warmest Personal Regards,
Chris

Noooooooo!

Skorch has drawn my attention to something absolutely horrible. I thought getting swept by Cleveland in September was bad, but this? THIS? It's an abomination. It's criminal. It's vomitous. I don't even know how to tell you--I can barely type the words. But my dears, my friends, my darlings: I'm afraid the Minnesota Twins have succummed to the sartorial spawn of the devil.

Pixie vests.

From the PiPress:

The Twins next week will unveil a sleeveless, white jersey they will wear for some home games in 2006. They also will introduce a jersey they will wear during batting practice.

This is an emergency. Call your Congresspeople. Mobilize the angry mobs! Baseball is America's game, and Pixie vests are a pox on the game, therefore anyone who uses them hates America. Call the Minnesota Twins and ask them why they hate America.

Happy Thanksgiving, One and All

Jeb has gone out and slaughtered BG a delicious tofurky with his bare man-hands, and BG is quite excited. Meanwhile, she wants to take this opportunity to give thanks for Jeb and Goober and Sooz and BatMom and Dad and the Batkittes 3, and also Joe Mauer and Johan Santana. And if any power hitting right hannders should come our way in the next few months, Batgirl would like to give thanks, in advance. Lots of thanks.

Run! Run for your life!

BatMiscellany III: The Revenge of the Miscellany

Twins Territory.com is dead. Long live Twin..uh...Twinkie Town! Twins Territory's JCLund, no stranger to sass, has set up a new community blog at Twinkie Town and many of the Twins Territory bloggers have followed him over there. Check it out, leave a comment, even start your own blog.

Not a lot of news this week. According to LaVelle and the Strib, the Twins have shown interest in Mike Piazza. Meanwhile, Sid says the Twins wouldn't deal for Thome until Spring Training (which, in case you haven't noticed, is forever away. God, I'm bored.).

In an appalling move, the New York City Council has made it a crime to throw things at or spit on baseball players. Really, I thought America was about freedom.

On another note, one of the great pleasures of baseball fandom is experiencing the games with comrades. One of Batgirl's favorite bloggers, Alex Belth of Bronx Banter, has a truly lovely piece up about a female friend and baseball fan that will make you appreciate everyone you love to watch the game with. Go read it.

And finally, speaking of female baseball fans, Ruz of All-Baseball.com sends this picture of his daughter, who apparently has been praticing her sliding into home skillz. Please note the stylish t-shirt.

When Numbers are Juiced

When Henry Chadwick started charting baseball games and baseball players, he did so, it seems, largely as a way of creating equity. No one could judge players without really knowing what they did. As baseball's "moral compass," Chadwick looked to stats "to encourage a value system he held desperately dear." Schwartz writes:

Chadwick insisted that only through statistics could the truly special player be recognized. "Many a dashing general player, who carries off a great deal of eclat in prominent matches has all the 'gilt taken off the gingerbread,' as the saying is, by these matter-of-fact figures....And we are perfectly surprised to find that the modest but efficient worker, who has played earnestly and steadily through the season, apparently unnoticed, has come in, at the close of the race, the real victor."

Chadwick's stats were designed to reward these humble, steady players, to find a real and accurate way of valuing each player and what he gives to the game, to reward virtue and skill. It hasn't always been easy; The Numbers Game covers any number of controversies in the history of baseball and its statistics, from a much disputed 1910 batting average title to the chase for the single-season home run record in 1961. But there's a controversy missing. Schwartz is lucky he wrote the book when he did, in twenty years a history of baseball and stats cannot help but cover the question of statistics and steroids.

Lets say, hypothetically, that there is a hitter now who is threatening to break every home run record in the book. And let us say that this hitter used to be quite scrawny. And let us say that, while the hitter is preternaturally gifted on his own and has a very sweet swing, he also owes his homers to an extremely large amount of muscle mass, and let us say that that hitter has been found to be using steroids.

How do we treat this player's numbers? It seems clear what baseball's moral compass would think. What do we do with single season home run records by players who are widely known to have used steroids? How can we evaluate greatness when greatness has sometimes been, well, injected in the ass? Is it fair to compare the numbers of someone who does something historic, aided by drugs, to someone who has not?

How do you think that book, twenty years down the line, will treat the issue? Where is the story of stats in baseball going in relation to steroids? What will the histories say?

For an excellent discussion of the recent history of steroids and baseball, ESPN: The Magazine has a article. Read it when you have a lot of time.

The Persistence of Batting Average

It seems that the feeling among statheads that batting average is essentially worthless is nothing new; the statistic has been criticized since the nineteenth century. But batting average is still considered one of the most important offensive stats. Why has it held on? Does it have any worth in evaluating players?

Lies, Damn Lies and Statistics

In 1968 for The Baseball Encyclopedia the publishers put together the Special Baseball Records Committee. The committee had to decide how to balance accuracy with history, and as a result ended up tinkering with some of the game's most historic numbers. As The Numbers Game says, in 1876 walks were considered outs (what that would have done to Kevin Youkilis!) and in 1887 they were scored as hits. The committee made the decision to treat walks in their modern fashion. There were other small changes, too, and as a result, Ty Cobb got one more hit, Honus Wagner lost 15, and Cap Anson, the first member of the 3000 hit club, ended up with just 2995.

But the changes to the rules overtime had more serious implications for baseball's records. Ground-rule doubles were considered homers once upon a time. And the committee's biggest controversy came when then tried to change Babe Ruth's home run total. In 1918, Babe Ruth hit a walk-off home run with a runner on base and was awarded a triple; games were ruled over when the runner scored, so Ruth ended the game at third base. This was the Babe's 715th homer—but everyone knew Babe Ruth had hit 714. Due to public outcry and the work of one member, the committee changed the decision to keep walk-off hits the same as they always were, and Ruth went back to 714.

A little over a decade later, Pete Rose started to work toward Ty Cobb's hit total. After one researcher stumbled on a game where Cobb's hits were recorded twice, The Sporting News examined all Cobb's hits and found he'd really hit 4,190 (as opposed to the 4,191 of history or the 4,192 of The Baseball Encyclopedia. Also, Cobb did not, in fact, deserve the batting title in 1910. But Bowie Kuhn, the Commissioner of Baseball, announced that, "The passage of years, in our judgment, constitutes a certain statute of limitations as to recognizing any changes….The only way to make changes with any confidence would be for a complete and thorough review of all team and individual statistics."

What's the answer? Where do you strike the balance between respecting the game's history and getting it right? Given all the difficulties we see throughout the book in knowing everything that happened during baseball's early years, is it possible to ever get it truly right? If you truly want to compare players, a ground-rule double should be the same throughout history, but if you start turning homers back into doubles, doesn't that even affect the outcome of games? Is there a statute of limitations on the records? Given the unreliability of old statistics and box scores, how many home runs should Babe Ruth have? How many hits should Ty Cobb have?

Batgirl's Book Club: The Numbers Game

Baseball and it's statistics are inseparable, as lovingly intertwined as the swirls of a candy cane. And the funny thing is, they always have been. Most fans assume that baseball's infatuation with statistics is a modern phenomenon, a product of the computer age. But it is not, not by a longshot. Arguments over the relative merits of batting average and fielding percentage, runs scored, runs driven in, date back to the game's earliest days in the nineteenth century.

--From the introduction to The Numbers Game

The Numbers Game is a detailed and absorbing telling of the history of statistics in baseball, telling the stories of the people who sought to understand the game better, and to encourage others to do the same. The book is terrific, succeeding largely (and perhaps ironically) because it chooses to tell the story of the characters of those who have sought to quantify the game rather than the statistics itself. We see a history, not just of the game told through the lens of statistics, but of a segment of fandom. Everyone in the book (with the possible exception of its villain, Seymour Swiff, who seems to like power most of all and will probably regret refusing to be interviewed for the book) adores baseball with an all-consuming (and occasionally frightening) fervor.

We'll be discussing the book for the next week. I have a few questions to use as starting point, but the discussions will be very loose. Please feel free to follow the thread of conversations, as with any book club, though unlike other books clubs there will be no gossip or snacks. If you have a question you'd like to pose, please e-mail me.

The book seemed in many ways to function as a very long prologue to last year's selection, Moneyball, and it's interesting to see how old some of the conversations in Moneyball really are. (Not the least of which is people fearing stats will take over the game, in Numbers, a nineteenth century baseball writer fears the game "will be brought down to an almost mathematical calculation.")

I'd like to ask, first of all, what is it about baseball that has encouraged everything we see in this book? Is it merely that baseball is a series of definable player-events, or is there something more? Without Henry Chadwick, would we have SABR today, or were numbers something that were always in the game waiting to be found?

Secondly, how does the book work in conversation with Moneyball? What are the issues that have kept popping up from Henry Chadwick to Billy Beane? Would Chadwick approve of Moneyball?

Tales From the Crypt, Vol II

More goodies from Goober's basement. The '57 Spring Training Brooklyn Dodgers ball, he's selling to the highest bidder, but these are staying under his pillow.

Batgirl's Book Club Reminder

BG has utterly failed to post a reminder about the upcoming book club. Since there's a lot to the book, and since she utterly failed, she's pushing the club back one week. Discussion of begins Nov. 14. The book is, thus far, really interesting.

Tales from the Crypt, Vol 1

Goober is in the process of cleaning out boxes from his basement and has found this:

BatDad dimly recalls getting a very young Goober a team-signed Brooklyn Dodgers ball (Hey, BatDad, what about me?? Only boys get team-autographed baseballs? Huh?--BG), and it seems to be from the '56 team, though we're not absolutely certain. The ball is inscribed "To Steve." The signatures: Sandy Amoros, Duke Snider, Pee Wee Reese, Carl Furillo, Rube Walker, Don Bessent, Walt Alston, Ransom Jackson, Gino Cimoli, Ken Lehman, Don Newcombe, Sal Maglie, Ralph Branca, Don Drysdale, Johnny Podres, Roy Campanella, Carl Erskine, Chico Fernandez, Ed Roebuck, Gil Hodges, Jim Gilliam, Roger Craig, Sandy Koufax, Charles Neal, and someone with a completely illegible signature.

Notably absent: Mr. Jackie Robinson. It's like Jackie doesn't care whether or not little Goober Jr. goes to college. Or else he didn't like Steve very much.

Thoughts? Can anyone help us on the year and the value?

Things Are Going To Be a Little Different Around Here Now

Caption Contest.
Thanks to Bloody P. for the photo.

Pax Bitchsoxius

Congratulations to the 2005 World Series Champion Chicago Bitch Sox, who tonight were crowned the bitchiest in the whole wide world. They, in typically bitchy fashion, denied the poor Houston fans the right to even experience a modicum of World Series joy. The pitchers didn't even let them score tonight, which was just mean.

Now, get rid of Konerko and a few of the funny-looking guys in the offseason, 'kay?

BatMail

From a Friend of Batgirl's, North Side of Chicago:

Joe Crede is kinda hot. But someone ought to tell him that tucking your pants into your socks makes your butt look big.

Discuss.

BG Gone Soft

I don't know, you guys. Batgirl's lost her fire. She keeps calling the Bitch Sox the "White Sox" as if that's their name or something. And while she's not rooting for either team, for once she finds herself in the strange position of not actively rooting against the Sox with every fiber of her being.

Something's deeply wrong here. Maybe it's the bird flu talking. Maybe it's that we have no bigger contigent of other-team fans here than Sox fans. Maybe it's that once one team's in the postseason and yours isn't, there's not much point in continuing the rivalry that year. Maybe it's once you get to the World Series, you deserve to lose the "Bitch" from your name for seven days in October. (Note: this doesn't hold for the Yankees, because getting to the Series is merely what they're expected to do. No one honors the Borg for assmilating people so well. It's only when they get individual consciousnesses and get knocked out of the first round of the assimilation playoffs that you start paying attention.) Maybe it's that this group of guys is quite a bit different than the Bitch Sox of old; other than Buerhle (Hate!), none of them have done any actual bitching. Jermaine Dye doesn't bitch, nor does that little guy that steals all the bases, nor the fat funny-looking reliever. They just shut up and play baseball. Or don't shut up and play baseball, in AJ's case.

The point is, whatever's wrong with Batgirl: once 2006 starts, she'll go back to hating them with a white hot passion just on principle. (Except you AJ. And Jermaine Dye. And the funny-looking guy.) I promise. For now, though, let's just shut up and play.

(Except for Buerhle. Bitch.)

World Series of...Love?

BG has to admit she was rooting for the Cards...there'd be something pretty exciting about the World Series actually featuring the two best teams of the year. Anybody remember Mike Scott getting interviewed after getting the NLCS MVP trophy when the Stros lost that series against the Mets? He should have gotten the trophy for sad.

Light Blogging Ahead

Batgirl will be gone for a few days seeking treatment for an acute case of post-season depression. Goober will be posting any interesting tidbits while BG is gone, and perhaps asking people for their opinions on various baby names.

Meanwhile, Batgirl would like to ask: Say the players on the Twins 2005 40-man roster played the rest of the Vikings games this football season. Would their record be better, worse, or the same than if the current Vikings roster played those games?

Bitch Sox Triumphant!

Congratulations to the Chicago White Sox and especially all the nice White Sox fans that frequent this site for their first pennant in almost five decades. Congratulations, too, to Batgirl's bad boy boyfriend AJ for being involved in three bad calls (one of them reversed) and for generally showing the San Francisco Giants where they can stuff it.

Former Twin Update

Have you ever said to yourself: Self, what I'd really like is a bunch of pictures of former Twin Gary Gaetti paired with bizarre captions? If so, then GaryGaetti.com is for you. Please note the site doesn't work on all browsers, but it's awesome on Mozilla.

Also, tip your cap to the G-man's first base coach Twig, who is retiring after 57 years in baseball.

Meanwhile, did you know former Twin A.J. Pierzynski plays for the Bitch Sox? It's true! The New York Times has a profile.

For all the players on the White Sox who were rejected elsewhere and accepted here, none was rejected so publicly and accepted so thoroughly as Pierzynski. He is beloved in Chicago for the same reason he is hated almost everywhere else. Known for barking at opposing hitters in the middle of plate appearances, elbowing them on their way up the first-base line and stepping on their bats instead of picking them up, Pierzynski has done little to change. The main difference is that he has found coaches and teammates who fully appreciate his efforts. "You play with him and you realize that it's all part of his fire," the backup catcher Chris Widger said. "You take the good with the bad."

AJ also apprently has Jedi mind powers over umpires, as we saw tonight. You have to give the guy credit; only AJ would have thought to run out a perfectly-caught third strike, and only for AJ would that trick actually work.

Nice job, umps! Keep on reaching for those stars!

Hot New ALCS Poll

The Rally Monkey beat the Bitch Sock tonight 3-2, with Frasier Krane outpitching a stellar Jose Contreras and A.J. Pierzynski practicing his base stealing skillz. Tomorrow, it's Strep Throat versus Casper the Bitchy Ghost.

Introducing...

Congratulations to Goober and Sooz on their little Twins fan to be.

Aunt BG only has one question...will s/he be able to DH?

Roster Watch: Batkitty #2 Outrighted!

In a surprising move, the Twins have outrighted Batkitty #2 to Rochester. Said Twins GM Terry Ryan, "This was a hard decision. Batkitty #2 has really impressed us, despite the whole humping thing. He's really played his tail off. But we need to make some moves."

Ryan expressed that he hoped to invite Batkitty #2 to spring training. The Batkitty could not be reached for comment.

Legovision Park: Dare to Dream.

For those who support the stadium bill and want to see the Twins bill included in a special session, here are the numbers to call.

Batgirl thinks Carl should build the thing himself, of course, but she also thinks a fairy should come down from the heavens and give her a chocolate sundae and maybe a million dollars. She also thinks the Twins organization floating talk of moving the team if the bill isn't passed is nothing but blackmail and she despises it. At the same time, she wants a new stadium and if it's going to be built, this is how it's going to be. It would, in the long run, be good for the team, and what's good for the team is good for Batgirl.

Governor Tim Pawlenty
Phone:
E-mail:

Dean Johnson, Majority Leader of the Senate
Phone:
E-mail:

Steve Sviggum, Speaker of the House
Phone:
E-mail:

New Items In the BatStore

Click on the Kitty to the left to visit the BatStore.

A Cause To Believe In

Every once in a while, Batgirl gets an e-mail from someone asking Batgirl to help promote a worthy cause, and Batgirl is more than delighted to oblige. There was the Courage Center raffle, the Parkinsons Disease Bobblehead sale, Twins auctions for hurricane relief.

And here is another:

Someday I hope we can remove baseball from the evil clutches of Fox altogether. This is a start. Begin small, my dears, but dream big.

Ode to Twins Geek

Batgirl's esteemed colleague Twins Geek has decided to hang up his keyboard. This is a tremendous loss to Twins fans. When I asked the Geek why he did what he did, he spoke of not only a passion for baseball but of a frustration with local sports coverage; he saw that the local papers didn't allow the space for their reporters to really analyze some of the issues affecting the team. So, in his modest, affable way, he set out to provide that kind of coverage. Want to know who might be a good midseason pick-up for the Twins? Look to the Geek. Want to know how Jacque Jones rates among prospective free agents? Look to the Geek. Want to know how much payroll the Twins will have available next year? Look to the Geek.

In addition, in my interactions with the Geek over the last two years he's proven to be, quite simply, one the classiest people I've ever met. In the faceless, anonymous world of the internet, it's easy to succumb to ugliness, but the Geek has never lost his humanity. He has my endless admiration and respect for how he conducts himself in the world; the Geek has been a force for good, not just as a blogger, but as a person. And on a personal note, he's made this girl-in-a-guys-world feel nothing but welcome, and I can't express how much I've appreciated it.

Please go over there and tell him thanks for all he's done.

The Return of Batgirl's Book Club

Well, the season's been done for about 55 hours and I'm already bored out of my BatGourd. What the hell am I supposed to do, READ? Have meaningful conversations with my family and friends? Bah.

If I'm going to have to do stupid-ass crap like that, it might as well be about baseball. It's high time to reinstitute

The first selection of this off-season will be:

by Alan Schwartz.

From the back cover:

Most baseball fans, players and even team executives assume that the national pastime's infatuation with statistics is simply a by-product of the information age, a phenomenon that blossomed only after the arrival of Bill James and computers in the 1980s. They couldn't be more wrong.

In this award-winning book, Alan Schwarz - whom bestselling Moneyball author Michael Lewis calls "one of today's best baseball journalists" - provides the first-ever history of baseball statistics, showing how baseball and its numbers have been inseparable ever since the pastime's birth in 1845. He tells the history of this obsession through the lives of the people who felt it most: Henry Chadwick, the 19th-century writer who invented the first box score and harped endlessly about which statistics mattered and which did not; Allan Roth, Branch Rickey's right-hand numbers man with the late-1940s Brooklyn Dodgers; Earnshaw Cook, a scientist and Manhattan Project veteran who retired to pursue inventing the perfect baseball statistic; John Dewan, a former Strat-O-Matic maven who built STATS Inc. into a multimillion-dollar powerhouse for statistics over the Internet; and dozens more.

Schwarz paints a history not just of baseball statistics, but of the soul of the sport itself. Named as ESPN's 2004 Baseball Book of the Year, The Numbers Game will be an invaluable part of any fan's library and go down as one of the sport's classic books.

Batgirl's Book Club will begin Monday, November 7. Please read the book by then and we will begin discussion.

Legovision Territory

A couple requests were made for a larger image of the Legovision Territory postcard in the Fan Appreciation Commercial Reenactment. (This is a Legovision version of a Twins Territory calendar given away at Friday's game.)

Dingers for Dollars! Year End!

Today, Matt LeCroy closed out Dingers for Dollars in fine style, hitting a three run dinger in the first inning. All in all, the Twins hit 13 dingers for hurricane relief—the most charitable Twins were Michael Cuddyer, Jacque Jones, and Dr. Justin Morneau with three dingers each. Matt LeCroy had two, and Li'l Rod and Little Nicky Punto each had one. With all the pledges for individual achievements and the first ten homer matching grant, and some additional pledges in the comments below, the Twins earned: $3925 for Hurricane Relief

To all of you who pledged, thank you so very, very much. Please make your donations directly to an organization that supports hurricane relief, or if your employer matches, even better. Here a few suggestions for donations:

Red Cross
United Way

Noah's Wish
American Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Animals

Here are your totals:

AT $5/homer = $65
Attyfan $5/ homer = $65
BAT Bandwagon $1 /homer, $10/LNP homer = $22
Brooklenegg $5/homer = $65
Bubblemint $5/homer, $10/Castro homer, $5/Nathanest save +two $5 TOTALLY TRUCKIN' HOT bonuses = $105
Candace $10/ Li'lRod homer = $10
The Commish $5/homer = $65
DC Twins Fan $5/homer $5(additional)/Cuddyer homer, $5 walk-off bunt = $80
Dr. Jane $10/homer = $130
Donnalove $3/homer, $3/ Nathanest strikeout (10) = $55
Ford Hoiberg $5/ homer = $65
Hannah (the second) $5/homer = $65
Herald Guy $5/homer = $65
infield $2/homer, $5/Doctor, $10/Bart, $2/Boo strikeout = $58
Jim Crikket $5/homer = $65
Just Beth $1 /homer, $10/ Cuddy homer = $40
kafumbly $10 for Doctor Grand Slam! = $10
Katharriet $1/homer, $10 /Lew homer, $20 if 3-run = $13
k-bro $1/homer, $5 (additional)/Cuddy homer, $20/CGSO (or almost!) = $48
kctwinkie $5/homer, $10 LNP homer, $15 grandslam = $ 80
Kurtis $5/Johan strikeout 9/17 = $80
Mountanaire Man $2 / homer = $26
mp $2/homer $5/Mauer, $5 Cuddyer, $10 grand slam = $45
nan $2/dinger = $26
ndtf $1/Johan strikeout 9/17 = $13
olbiemn $5/homer, $10/Doctor homer = $80
Ovie $5 /homer, $10 LeCroy double, $10 LeCroy infield single = $85
PJStP $5 / homer, $50 /walkoff bunt = $65
pollyannah/pollyannah mom $5/homer = $65
rharp $5/homer = $65
RonDavis 9/18 Vikings loss/Bears win = $39
Ryan $50 if Twins finish the season = $50
Saajak $1/homer, $5/ LNP homer, $10/grandslam = $26
She-Ra, P.O.P. $3/homer, $5 (additional)LNP homer, $5/doghouse boyfriend Kyle Lohse win = $44
Skorch $5/dinger, $10/Morneau dinger = $80
teacherrefpoet $2/homer = $26
Tootie $5/homer, $20 /grand slam = $80
tribescribe $10/Twins victory over Bitch Sox, +$1/margin of victory= $28
Twink $5/dinger (beginning 9/18) = $50
Twins Goddess $5/homer, $5/Johan or Brad start no homer = $70
wildchild $1/homer, $5/ Doctor = $25
Wonder Woman $5/homer, $5/Boo appearance (8 appearances) = $105
Word Smith $5/homer = $65

Dingers for Dollars!

Now THAT's more like it. Two dingers tonight, and the Good Doctor hit the best of all possible dingers, earning quite a bonus. That, plus the Boo appearance and 1 Boo K makes:
$ 3594 for hurricane relief.
Thank you to Matty Boom Batty and Dr. Morneau for hitting DINGERS FOR DOLLARS

Bat Charity Alert

The Greater Minneapolis Crisis Nursery, which works to prevent child abuse and neglect, is running an online auction with items including Twins memorabilia and bobbleheads. Also, a Debbie Gibson karaoke machine.

BatMail

Dear Batgirl,

I'm really bummin' out with only two games left in my season ticket package, and I was wondering what advise you have in preventing post-season (or lack-there-of) depression. What do you do in the off-season? Are there support groups for fans such as myself? I know you'll have the answers to these and all questions Twins.

Signed,
October Blues

Dear Ms. Blues,

It is true. The only thing worse than living through this season will be enduring the off-season. All we will want out of life is to watch a good 2-1 Twins loss. We will make our various kitties and puppies pop-up bunts and miss the cut-off guy, just to have a taste for the season again.

But that doesn't answer your question. During the offseason, Batgirl likes to stay so drunk she is obvlious to her surroundings until pitchers and catchers report.

Sincerely,
BG

Dear readers,

Help Ms. Blues. What do you do? How are you going to survive the off-season?

Love,
BG

Dingers for Dollars Update--Tuesday

Dingers for Dollars! Li'l Sweetcheeks went long today for his second dinger of the Dingers for Dollars program. So far, Jacque, the Doctor, and Cuddles have all hit two dingers for hurricane aid, and BG thinks it's time for the rest of the players to step up to the plate. Thanks to Li'l Sweetcheeks, we now have: $1961 TOTAL
Please note:Today is the last day for the proceeds of items purchased in the BatStore to go to hurricane relief. Click on the shirt to the left to visit the BatStore.

Hottest Chick Goes Live!

The Twins had their annual rookie hazing after Sunday's game, and Batling Candace was there to take pictures.

Jason Bartlett and Terry Tiffee think Scott Baker looks adorable in this vintage sailor suit. Permission to come aboard!

His sinker plunges and so does his neckline! Jesse Crain is pretty in pink.





Li'l Rod is all smiles in his glam ensemble, while behind him Liriano shows that the perfect hat can transform any outfit from drab to fab.





Travis Bowyer shows that it's fine to wear mini-skirts over 95-MPH.

Super-natural: a Comic Recap

Thanks to DhruvK for the awesome comic!

Dingers For Dollars Update--Saturday

It's been a very good day on DINGERS FOR DOLLARS. Batgirl received a very exciting DINGER MATCHING GRANT for the first 10 dingers, up to $1000, including yesterday's. Thank you so much to that anonymous donor for his generosity and commitment to TWINS DINGERS.

Today, Dr. Morneau decided to heal what ailed the Twins with a two-run dinger, then DJ Cuddles got jiggy with a solo dinger in the 7th. With new pledges, we are now up to $133 per dinger. That's $266, then $532 with the matching grant.

As for pledges for individual achivements, Skorch, Olbiemn, and wildchild have made $14 worth of extra pledges for Doctor Dingers, and JustBeth, k-bro, mp, and DCTwinsFan add $22 per DJ Cuddles Dinger, PLUS ndtf pledged $1 per El Presidente strike-out, PLUS Twins Goddess pledged $5 for any El Presidente start in which he doesn't give up a homer, PLUS $5 from bubblemint for the Nathan save (and she just added a $5 bonus because he was so HOT), PLUS $9 from Donnalove for the three Nathanest strikeouts, PLUS Kurtis pledged $5 per strikeout today, and k-bro adds $20 for the almost-complete game shut out, which makes $705 for the day and:

$981 so far for hurricane relief.

Thank you so much to all who pledged and to Dr. Morneau and DJ Cuddles for hitting DINGERS FOR DOLLARS

(If you would like to add your per dinger pledge, please let Batgirl know whether you will be pledging for games for now on, or whether your per dinger pledge is retroactive for the entire DINGERS FOR DOLLARS period. Without specification, BG will assume the latter, because it will be much easier on the BatAccounting.)

Dingers for Dollars Update

Today, Li'l Sweetcheeks hit a homer. That's $113 for hurricane relief, plus $5 for a Rincon appearance makes $118. Boo also made an appearance on Thursday so so far that's $123. Thanks to everyone for pledging, and to Jacque Jones for hitting a DINGER FOR DOLLARS

Root, Root, Root For...?

I know it's going to terribly disappoint everyone, but BG had some trouble getting the girls together for the exciting final round of MINNESOTA TWINS: HOTTEST CHICK, plus Justina had a huge diva fit about the lighting. Fear not! The final round will come soon!

But for now, Batgirl has another question that's burns in her soul. As we look to the postseason, BG has no idea for whom to root and she is turning to, you, gentle reader, for guidance. Tell me, my dears, where do your allegiances lie?

Boyfriend T-Shirt Update

Lew Fordwalker continues to use the force over women's hearts, with Dr. Love close behind.
Remember, from now 'til Sept 21, Batgirl will be donating all the proceedes from the BatStore to hurricane relief. (We've raised $90 so far--THANK YOU to everyone who ordered!) Click on the shirt to the left to visit the BatStore!

(If you're interested in volunteering at the Minnesota Assistance Center for Katrina Victims, please click below to read more.)

Here is the info for the Minnesota Assistance Center for Katrina Victims:

Volunteers are needed to assist with welcoming and other admin duties at
the Minnesota Assistance Center over the next couple of weeks. The
center will be open starting today Thursday, Sept 15 - Sept 30. M-Sat
9AM - 5PM, Sunday 1-5. Volunteers are needed for the following shifts
(or any time they are available):

M-Sat 8AM-Noon, 1-4, 4-8 (Sat 9/17 is the only Sat that the center will
be open).
Sun 1-5

Address: , Paul, MN (Suite 9&10)

The contact is Emogene Koeller and she
can be reached at the following #'s (home) or
(cell).

Get Me To The Dome On Time

A message from Batling Laurel:

Team Batgirl and Batlings,

Richard and Janice Krahn
Invite you to join the celebration
and root, root, root for the home team
as their daughter
Laurel Ann Krahn marries
Kevin Glen Austin
son of Robert and Gloria Austin
on Saturday, September seventeenth
Two thousand and five
At ten o'clock in the morning
Hubert H. Humphrey Metrodome
34 Kirby Puckett Place
Minneapolis, Minnesota

If you're there on Saturday for the game (at 11am!), please stop by section 228, rows 7-10, to say hi to the blushing bride.

BatMail

Batgirl,
With the Twins casket getting the final nail pounded into it over the weekend I say we, as loyal Twins fans as well as fans of great baseball and its players, pull together and root for the man with the rocket arm. Roger Clemens is going to pitch tonight after losing the most important woman in his life, his mother, earlier this morning. With the Astros down a game and a half, maybe all they need is some love from up north. And I'll tell you what, no matter what, tonight Roger Clemens will be my "nonsexual man crush of the day." I hope the site has something to honor this giant of a man.

Sincerely,
Up North

Project Book Share

This is entirely unrelated to baseball.

As you know, families stranded by Hurricane Katrina will be coming up to Camp Riley near Little Falls. The Children's Literature Network has put together Project Book Share--a book drive for the children who will be stationed at Camp Ripley. From now until Sept 19, the following places will be accepting donations of new or very gently used books for babies, children, and teens:

Bookcase of Wayzata, 607 East Lake Street, Wayzata, MN

Fergus Falls Public Library, 205 East Hampden during their open hours (9-8 Mon-Thurs; 9-6 Fri; 9-1 Sat)

The Loft at Open Book, 1011 Washington Avenue South, Minneapolis, MN

The Red Balloon Bookshop, 891 Grand Avenue, St Paul, MN

Wild Rumpus, 2720 W. 43rd Street, Minneapolis, MN — Wild Rumpus will match every donated book with TWO new books from their store supply.

For more information, and for downloadable Project Book Share flyers, please see the Children's Literature Network. (This post is BG's way of putting a flyer up at her office.)

Hottest Chick: Barely Legal!

Last time on Minnesota Twins: Hottest Chick,Britney Boone was heralded as MAD HOT. Unfortunately, Britney got DFA'd, so Martha LeCroy will move on to next week's exciting final round, where we will decide once and for all--who is the hottest chick?

But we have one more round to go, for we've seen a bunch of fresh faces around the ballclub recently. So, with the help of the girls from American's Next Top Model 5, we are very proud to present:

Francesca Liriano





Christine Heinz





Louise Rodriguez





Scotia Baker





Terri Tiffee





Traviss Boyer





Brentita Abernathy





Jasonella Tyner





Michelle Ryan

New Items In the BatStore

Thanks to the genius Batling who had the idea.

Again, Batgirl will be donating the proceeds from any item purchased in the BatStore from now through Sept 21 to hurricane relief. To make this more meaningful, she has raised the prices on every item by two dollars, so each item you purchase will result in four dollars for hurricane relief.

BATEDIT: We've already got $37 just from yesterday afternoon to this morning! THANK YOU to those who have ordered!

Um, has anyone seen Batgirl?

This doesn't sound good...

BatShop for Hurricane Relief

Batgirl will be donating the proceeds from any item purchased in the BatStore from now through Sept 21 to hurricane relief. To make this more meaningful, she has raised the prices on every item by two dollars, so each item you purchase will result in four dollars for hurricane relief. Click here to visit the BatStore.

The Blogger's Minute

BatEditor's Note: It was Batgirl's turn to do the Blogger's Minute on WCCO's Twins Magazine. Careful readers may note Batgirl was quite clearly inspired by a comment Soccerfan made on Monday's game recap. Thanks Soccerfan!

I'm not sure Scott Baker was prepared for the reception he got when he came in to the clubhouse on Monday. The Twins always try to make rookies feel comfortable, certainly, but it all seemed a little extreme. There were balloons and a big banner and a huge cake that Matthew LeCroy made, but even more than that, there was a sense of ebullience in the clubhouse not seen since Lew Ford found the cheat codes for Doom III. As soon as Baker walked in, the whole team stood up and applauded, Mike Redmond started weeping copiously, and Justin Morneau collapsed with joy into Little Nicky Punto's arms.

The Twins have been looking all year for some help, that one player that might make a difference. After all, as anyone who follows the Twins knows, the team pitching has been just dreadful all year. Why, for most of the season we've been second or even third in team ERA and while we're in first now, if our pitchers keep allowing a whole run a game we could plummet back to second at any moment. Meanwhile, our pitchers are only 7th in wins, and I can't think of anyone to blame for that but that pitching staff itself. Why, just look at Thursday's game against the Royals—what with 13 hits and no runs, our batters were obviously trying not to score, and so it was incumbent on the pitching staff to hold the Royals scoreless forever. And, really, how hard could that be? My mom pitched a shutout to the Royals last week during batting practice, and she's in her first year off Tommy John surgery.

But the pitchers just couldn't do it, the Twins lost that game 1-0, and the fact is, this has been going on all year. No matter how many times our batters helpfully demonstrate the myriad ways to produce a scoreless inning, it seems too many games our pitchers allow one or even sometimes two runs.

But now, with the call-up of Scott Baker, we have hope, for with him on our club, the Twins got what they really needed….

A pitcher.

Sacky's Triple A Adventure

BatEditor's Note: Batling Sacky recently went to scout the Rochester Red Wings. He was kind enough to provide the following report.

My sister and I were on a long road trip Tuesday and stopped in Scranton/Wilkes-Barre, Pennsylvania to see the AAA Red Barons play the Twins’ AAA team, the Rochester Red Wings. We wanted to fulfill our duty to you, our fellow Batlings – and to Batgirl herself – by doing some scouting of the Twins’ future.

?

Okay, let’s start with the night’s lineup.

Two things should jump out at you. One, Luis Rivas is batting seventh in TRIPLE A BALL. Two, Corky “Corky” Miller is still around. Remember how he cleared waivers when he was sent down? Amazing. But there is more amazement to be had from Corky “Corky”:

Here we see Corky “Corky” Miller in his pre-game ritual of dramatically taking his best Elvis pose. He did it enough times to allow me to pull out my camera and document it. I’m sure it looked much cooler before the team removed the sequins, rhinestones and fringe from their uniforms earlier this season. As you can see, Scott Baker is signaling for help from the trainers because Corky “Corky” got stuck.

Rivas seems to fit in quite well with his new teammates and was in surprisingly good spirits. However, he doesn’t seem to get along with his fellow infielder, Luis Maza. Below we see Maza making Rivas say “uncle” while Gil Velazquez looks on with the indifference of a big brother watching his smaller brothers fight.

Speaking of Rivas, the Pennsylvania chapter of the Rivas AAA Fan Club was out in full force. I don’t know who these guys were, but they mostly just held up their signs silently (must be Minnesotans) while the players warmed up.

The players definitely noticed. Augie Ojeda bowed down to Rivas at one point.

Since my sister and I were the only people in the Phillies’ AAA stadium who were decked out in Twins shirts and hats, we also got noticed.

Garrett Jones: “Hey Augie, those two Twins fans are taking a picture of us.”
Augie Ojeda: “Really? Sweet! Let’s pose for them.”

AO: “Action shot! I’m a-gonna hit a homerun!”
GJ: “Hope the fine ladies on bat-girl.com like biceps. Check out these pythons!”

Wisconsinite Dave Gassner was graciously signing some autographs before the game, so my sister had him sign her game ticket. Hmmmm, a control pitcher who is a nice guy AND whose number is 22? Can you say “Lad Gasske”?

All in all, it was a great night. The weather was perfect, the stadium was nice (but for what ungodly reason do they have artificial turf?!), and the promotional 50¢ hot dogs were most excellent. Baker allowed a run in each of the first two innings but threw 5 shutout innings after that, looking truly boyfriend/NSMC worthy. The defense was solid. Corky “Corky” Miller managed to hit not one but TWO singles, raising his average from .211 to a sultry .220.

Something Corky has never done for the Twins.

Rivas also had two hits, one of which was a lovely bunt single in his first AB. Brian Buchanan tossed my sister a game-used baseball at the end of an inning (the play was Baker-bat-Velazquez-Buchanan-sis), AND he drove in the winning run with his second hit of the night, which would likely have earned him BOD honors if there were such a thing in AAA ball.

Buck celebrates his game-winning single in the 10th after being lifted for a pinch runner

After the game, we saw Red Wings OF Kevin West quizzing kids in the stands (e.g., “who is baseball’s all-time stolen bases leader?”) and giving a bat to the first kid who could answer each one. How nice and Twins-ish is that?! This wasn’t even a home game!

In summary, one can only hope that this extra-inning, 3-2 victory by a bunch of good guys suggests that the future holds more of the same kind of baseball that we Twins fans have come to adore.

Your scout out East,
Sacky

Good Ol' Boys

Waylon Jennings: Folks, leave it to Boss Guillen to try to ruin an otherwise beautiful day in Twins Territory with another scheme.

Boss Guillen: Roscoe, get me Enos on the line down at the jailhouse. Those criminals from Chicago we're holding for transfer to the state penitentiary might come in handy for finally getting rid of those Duke boys!



Enos: Telephone's for you, Mr. Convict.



Konerko: Ya, I'm listening.



Boss Guillen: Listen here... If you help me get rid this one persistent irritation, I'll make sure you and your partners "escape" before you're transfered to the state pen. ...I want you to kidnap Daisy Duke and take her across the county line. Let the Duke boys see you and chase you. The moment they cross over to Chickasaw County, Sheriff Little will be sure to snatch them up for violating the terms of their parole. They'll find themselves in the slammer and you'll be free to run away with the central division!


Waylon Jennings: Now does that sound good to you?



Boss Guillen orders Enos away from his post and releases the criminals. They proceed to the Boar's Nest and kidnap Daisy!



Uncle Wayne: You boys got your ears on? Folks down at the Boar's Nest say Daisy's been hauled off by some escaped jailbirds! They say they were driving a tan Impala. You gotta find her!



Duke boys: Right away, Uncle Wayne.



Bo: Did you just see that? A tan Impala with Illinois plates!



The Dukes take off in hot pursuit. With each passing moment they close with the Chicagoan thugs!






Absorbed in the chase, the Dukes don't notice that they're approaching the county line.






Sheriff Ed Little lies in wait, having been tipped off by a "concerned citizen" that the Dukes might try to flee.



The Duke boys corner the thugs!



Konerko: Ha! You think you've done a mighty fine job, eh boys? Think again! You've just crossed into Chickasaw County, and a little birdie told me that that's a violation of your parole. A certain sheriff should be here any second to haul you away, while we run away with the division!



A tow truck approaches.



Matthew Lecroy: I wouldn't count on Sheriff Little comin' any time soon, sir. See, I overherd Boss Guillen's phone call with you in the town square. I didn't like the sound of that trap you were a layin' for these honest Dukes, so I just moved the Chickasaw County line signpost a about a hundred yards or so into Twins Territory. Yep, you're still there.


Waylon Jennings: Leave it to ol' Matthew Lecroy to doublecross a doublecrosser.



A moment later, sirens can be heard. Boss Guillen and Roscoe had hoped they were coming to witness the downfall of the Duke boys, but instead they just take credit for re-capturing the escaped convicts.



Daisy was saved, Matthew Lecroy declared a crawdad-bake, and the Dukes were free to keep making trouble for Boss Guillen!

Batling Candace's Awesome Birthday

Tony Gwynn's Prayer

From the comments, by Twins Foghorn

Our Padre,
Who art most likely at Wendy's,
Anthony be thy name.
Thy 3000th come.
Thy eight titles won,
In Cooperstown as it is in San Diego.
Give us this day no man left in scoring position.
And forgive not Selig for '94,
As we forgive him not for '01.
And lead us not into ass-battery,
But deliver us from sucking.
For thine is the Series,
And the mojo,
And the average,
For ever and ever.

AMEN

Caption Contest

(Thanks to ndtf and Dr. Jane.)

Blizzards, Blylevens, and Bobbleheads

Bert Blyleven, whose father suffered from Parkinson's disease, has donated 1,200 extremely tan Circle Me Bert Bobbleheads to the Parkinson's Association of MN. Bert's father died last October. Bert and his lovely wife Gayle will be appearing from 11 a.m. to 12:30 p.m., Saturday, Aug. 20, at the DQ Grill & Chill on Excelsior Blvd. & Highway 100 in St. Louis Park to sell and sign the bobbleheads. The proceeds go for education and support for people with Parkinson's and their families. If you can't make it to SLP Saturday but would like a bobblehead, unsigned dolls are available at Parkinsonmn.org.

Warning: too much bobblehead sun can cause skin problems and premature bobblehead aging.

Wow, This Might Be Grosser Than Dougie

It seems that Joe Mauer found an interesting place to keep his chewing gum last night. Please see Sundappled Wood, where Frightwig's got the, um, juice.

Caption Contest

That's BG's suggestion, but, Gentle Readers, what do YOU think Lew said to Gardy to make him so mad?

Picture shamelessly stolen from Sundappled Wood. Thanks, Frightwig!

Boyfriend T-Shirt Update

Not included: Non-Sexual Man Crush T-shirts, special requests.
BG will try to honor requests, though please note it is difficult for her to add any more pink or white women's t's, so your flexibility is greatly appreciated.

ChacarronGate

I regret to tell you that a great fraud has been perpetuated on the American people. As you may remember, Carlos Silva, Juan Castro, and Johan Santana presented the clubhouse with a recording of a hip hop composition called "Chacarron, Chacarron."

Through top secret operatives Batgirl was able to obtain a copy of the players' alleged recording which you may listen to here. That is supposed to be Carlos Silva doing the main vocals.

Scarlic, of the excellent Twins message board the Dickie Thon Fan Forum--who will forever go down in history as the Woodward and Bernstein of ChacarronGate--has discovered a little song called "Chacaron (Shark Around)" by an Italian group called the Soca Gang.

You can listen to the song here. (Scroll down and click on the picture to listen). Here's the record company's site for the album.

Sound...similar?

Shenanigans, I say! It's a sad day in Twins Territory when you can't trust three prankster players who said they recorded a song during a busy five game series in Detroit.

The RD Report: A solution to the problem at hand

Friends,

It has been a pleasure this week to offer up thoughts and sass in Batgirl's absence. I suspect that reading these pages has been more fun than much of what we have watched this week at the Metrodome. That's as much due to your words as to anything that RD has written.

Sometimes, however, thoughts and sass aren't enough.

On Wednesday, as JustIncredible crossed home plate with the winning run on Lewwww's ninth-inning triple, I turned to my dear Sweet-N-Sassy and, between the cheers, said: "You know, the boys have played pretty well when we're in attendance."

How well?

Well, in the last 8 games that we have attended together, the Twins are 7-1. The only loss in that span came on a night when we were sitting in a suite and, owing to the social graces required of such a situation, unable to pay proper attention to the game itself.

So it seems like there's one last heretofore-unexplored option for saving the season: RD and Sweet-N-Sassy are going to Seattle next week to turn things around.

If this works -- in other words, if the Twins win the 2 games that we plan to attend at Safeco Field -- we fully expect ticket donations (and airfare) from all corners of the Bat-Kingdom so that we can continue our mission.

Thanks for your support.

Batlings Unite

There will be posses of Batlings going to see the games on Saturday and Sunday. Go to Section 214 and shout "Ass-bats!" and see who grimaces!

This cap has magical properties.

Every Good-Bye is a Hello: Third and Final Edition

My darlings,

BG is off on a long-planned trip to the Himalayas to explain the intricacies of the wild card standings to a lost mountain tribe. BG.com may be on a lighter publishing schedule, though Jeb and Goober will be splitting B.O.D.S.H.C. duties and watching for breaking news, and RD may pop in from time to time to file an RD report. BG will return Friday, but rest assured this is not really a parting for BG will be carrying you with her in her heart.

Love,
BG

The Blogger's Minute: Looking Behind

It's BG's turn to do the Blogger's Minute on the Twins Magazine this week, and she's got some ideas to help the club. Readers, what do you think?

Last week, Washington Nationals General Manager Jim Bowden called Barry Larkin to see if the 41 year old former Reds shortstop might come out of retirement to help the team. This is an ingenious approach to solving a roster's problems, and as the trade deadline approaches, we should ask ourselves, should we be looking, not to other teams, but to the Twins own past?

We've been looking for a good righthanded bat, and the Twins have had one of the best floating around their organization the last few years. Paul Molitor may not have been able to fit into the coaching staff, but why not into the lineup? It's perfect—3rd base has been a huge question mark for us, and Molly's got about two thousand nine hundred more career hits than the rest of our third basemen combined.

And everyone's waiting for Justin Morneau to be the next Kent Hrbek, but I don't see why we need a new Kent Hrbek when we have a perfectly good one already living in Bloomington. He might not have the range at 1B that he used to, but I think it might even out since he takes up so much more space.

Meanwhile, the Twins seem to be lacking a little bit of spark these days, but they've got one of the most fiery players in Twins history up in the radio booth right now. Last year, Torii Hunter bowling over Jamie Burke reinvigorated our whole season—well, let Dan Gladden at a few of these catchers and we'll be reinvigorated right up through 2015.

Or, hey, just imagine what an outfield of Kirby Puckett, Harmon Killebrew, and Tony Oliva could do. And I'm sure Hrbie would be more than happy to platoon at first with Rod Carew, if Rod feels he's too old to play 2nd. I know our pitchers are doing pretty well, but should they falter we've got Viola, Blyleven, Morris, and Kaat all at our disposal, and still the average age of the staff wouldn't be any higher than that of the Yankees.

We’ve got the talent in our organization to save this season. We just have to know where to look.

BatServer Notes

Please forgive the interruption in service. The BatServer was as erratic today as a Brad Radke first inning. We had to use a back-up of BG.com and have lost anything posted after 4:30am. BG will be slowly restoring comments made through the day today, but if she misses your comment, please feel free to repost. BG profoundly regrets any inconvenience this may cause.

Separated at Birth?

Thank you to Neil for pointing out this startling development.

BG to TR: An Open Letter

Dear Mr. Ryan,

Hi! We haven't spoken in a while, and I know you're really busy right now. It's just, well, the trade deadline's coming up and I have something really important to talk to you about. I know everyone wants a real third baseman and/or a right-handed power bat, preferably available for the major league minimum. And I'm totally in support of that. It's just, you may have noticed that the Twins have some other deficiencies too. Over the past few years, we've suffered a serious net Player Personality deficit, and I think it's time we address it.

See, I'm dying here. Bat-girl.com lives and dies on the personalities of the players, and the guys we have now are so worried about playing baseball they just don't give a Batgirl anything to work with. If we don't up our team OPS (Overall Percentage of Sass) soon, I'm going to run out of material.

I mean, let's look at what's happened here in the past few years. Like, in the outfield:

Now, don't get me wrong—Shannon Stewart saved our team in '03 and some days he provides the only offense we have, but all that consistency and competence? Boooo-ring. The working out all the time thing is great, dude,—but why don't you let your freak flag fly once in a while? I mean, he calls Gardy Ron. What am I supposed to do with that?

Oh, and then this:

Look, no offense to Young Master Grip and Go, but AJ wasn't just an ass-master, he was the sass master. You just don't see Our Lad Joe razzing opposing hitters during the game, inciting other pitchers to throw at him, getting his face plastered on dartboards all over major league baseball—why, there's nary a "boo-yah" with Mauer. We can't even get the kid to don a wife-beater shirt. Honestly.

And this one hurt a lot:

We couldn't get Dougie to shut up, but Justin, he doesn't talk at all. He never blows bubbles when he plays, and his hat doesn't have any pine tar on it. Would it kill you, Justin, to be just a little stickier?

And then, well, I don't even like to talk about it, but…

On the surface, Koskie seemed to have no personality at all, but, oh, the depths to plumb! He likes Minnesota because it's "like an extension of Canada." He talks funny. He puts peanut butter in people's undies. He likes to smash chairs. And I've seen a lot of heart from our motley crew of third base people, but a distinct lack of chair smashing.

Now, Mr. Ryan, I know you've tried. A Kris Benson acquisition would have done a lot for the team. And Bret Boone is proving to be quite a hothead, though he seems to be better at smashing the bat against the ground that at using it to hit the ball. It's not your fault that some people got more interesting after they left. But the rest of our guys, well, they're just so normal. We already have Torii Hunter to be a paragon of all that is good and pure about the world. I'm sure there's some personality out there, just waiting to be blogged about.

Love,
BG

New Items In the Bat Store

Thank you to Tinger for the most excellent idea. Click on the BatKitty to visit the BatStore!

The Care and Feeding of Bret Boone

F.O.B. Steve from the sadly defunct M's blog Mariners Wheelhouse gives us some tips on our newest aquisition:

In Boone's good seasons in Seattle, he consistently hit the ball with power to right field. The Mariners believed Boone's problem the last couple of years was that his bat slowed down, so he couldn't hit the ball hard as consistently as he had in previous years. They believe he compensated by shortening his swing and trying to pull the ball to generate power, instead of continuing to hit the ball to right and aceept the loss of power. When the Mariners took Boone out of the lineup for 10 games in June to work on his swing that was what they had him working on.

At the time the Mariners let Boone go, Hargrove commented that after his time off, Boone came back with things fixed, but shortly thereafter revereted to his previous habits. The Mariners DFA'd Boone after he proved unable to shake the old habits or unwilling to accept that he was no longer going to be a 30 HR guy. Perhaps Molitor will have more success.

Anyway, as you track suckitude for Mr. Boone, you might keep that in mind.

Hitting ball to right side => good.
Hitting ball to left side => suck.

Actually, I should amend it a bit. It's not quite as extreme as I made it sound. Boone also has been good turning on inside pitches. During his good years, though, he drove outside pitches to right with authority. He was particularly effective on pitches high and away, and at times was actually a sucker for a shoulder-high fastball off the plate.

And I think the comment pertains to Boone swinging with the upright stance he uses before he has two strikes. In previous years, hit many balls to right field using that stance. Very few this year. He swings out of his heels trying to pull the ball until he has two strikes and puts himself in the hole.

so, I should say:

Hitting ball to right side with upright stance => Good
Hitting ball to left side => Suck.

New Items In the Bat Store

Thanks ever so much to She-Ra, P.O.P. and Wonder Woman for the absolutely magnificent idea.
Click on the kitty to the left to visit the Batstore!

In Case You Missed Tuesday's Game...

... Batling DhruvK provides this mangificent reenactment.

Might we suggest reading it while listening to DJ Goober Goob's phat Gardy's Tirade Remix?

I Meant @#$@!#$ In The Nicest Possible Way

Gardy has apologized extensively for Monday's about umpire Hunter Wendelstedt, but Batgirl felt it was extremely important that everyone know what he's apologizing for. Fortunately, the KQRS morning show got a recording of the whole thing.

Here's the clip from KQRS. (It's their DJs laughing.) Please note that Gardy weaves an exquisite tapestry of obscenities. Thank you ever so much to Batling Nick for making the file.

UPDATE: Team Batgirl has now put Gardy's comments to a groovy dance beat!

When There's a Will Young, There's a Way

Do you have a burning desire to hang out with Matt LeCroy? Then follow around esteemed Twins blogger Will Young.

Now, it's important to note that Justin Morneau is Will's girlfriend Laurie's boyfriend, and--after meeting Will and said girlfriend at Spring Training--that seems to be fine by Justin. As for Will, well, see for yourself:

Our Story Begins In Baltimore:

I did see Matthew LeCroy sneak into the dugout so I moved over in his direction. Eventually, I was right above him as he was getting a glass of water. I called his name and got his attention and unfurled the “Matthew LeCroy is my nonsexual mancrush” shirt that I purchased via BatGirl’s website. He paused to read it, and then smiled at me and gestured for me to toss it down to him. He caught it and began showing all the guys in the dugout (my roommate told me the list included Morneau, Gardenhire, Tiffee, LEW!, and Newman) and let each of them have a chance to read it. Then, he let me toss down a Sharpie and he signed it for me. Tomorrow night, I’ll be wearing it proudly.

The Next Day:

I should also mention that the Matthew LeCroy man-crush shirt was discussed by several people on the field today. Al Newman’s eyes bulged out of his head and he said, “Matt told me about that in the locker room yesterday and I thought he was joking. That thing’s for real!” Gardenhire paused, reread it a second time, and muttered, “Well, if you want to be wearing that I guess you can.” Bert also did a double-take at the shirt and he, too, was both surprised by its content but willing to approve its message.

Finally, on his way into the dugout after the game, I hollered out, “Matt, thanks for signing my shirt yesterday.” He paused, looked up and spotted me. Smiling, he responded, “Anytime…anytime.”

A Couple Weeks Later:

While I was away from posting, I was spotted by Matthew LeCroy in the Mall of America last Monday. Yes, I didn’t spot a player, he spotted me. As Greg, Justin Morneau’s my girlfriend and I walked through the concourse, a large, graying man waved at me while standing with his wife and daughter. The story, of course, started when I had him sign the man-crush shirt back in Baltimore. Then, on Saturday when I arrived in Minneapolis, I was driven to the Twins ProShop to get a picture with him while I was wearing the shirt.

There wasn’t a line, so we spoke for a few minutes about where I got the shirt and when he was told about Batgirl’s great site, he said, “Somebody sent her music video (Oh Five!") down to the locker room one day. I was dying when Justin was singing. It was great!” Then, I began trying to explain all of the nicknames, but the only one he really grasped was Little Nicky Punto. “He’s little alright,” he agreed. Anyway, I thanked him for the picture and thought that our paths would not cross again for the season.

So anyway, two days later I’m walking through the Mall of America and he recognized me. At first, I just saw somebody waving at me from across the concourse before I looked closer to see who it was. So, there you have it. Laurie is now recognized by her wannabe boyfriend while I am recognized by my faux man-crush.

And then, last week:

I’ll end with a slightly humorous story. As you may recall, on an off-day two months ago my brother Greg and I (along with Laurie) bumped into Matthew LeCroy at the Mall of America. Steve, my other brother, was not able to join us on that fateful day because he was still down in St. Peter studying for his finals at Gustavus.

So anyway, Steve is back in the Twin Cities for the summer. Yesterday, he was driving out of Southdale (note that this is a completely different mall), when he looked over and saw Matthew LeCroy in the car next to him. Steve promptly rolled down his window, got Flounder’s attention and gave him a wave. The moral of this story is quite simple. If you would like to have the opportunity to meet Matthew LeCroy at some point outside of a baseball field, I suggest that you pick an upcoming off day. Then, coordinate a time to meet with my sister (the only sibling left who has not graced his presence) and choose a local mall (if he keeps moving in the same direction, I would suggest Ridgedale). Then, keep your eyes peeled for a large, graying man and tell him that I say hello!

And Now Presenting...

Well, of course we're all very excited about the Bret Boone trade, but questions still linger! Will a winning team help him revive his All-Star Form? Will his glove help our struggling infield? And if we a chick, would he be hot?

Readers, see for yourself.

It's been a very exciting year so far on Minnesota Twins: Hottest Chick. Justin Morneau may be struggling a little, but as a chick he's hot hot hot! In the second round, Shannon Stewart proved that real women have curves.And in the Special Coaches Edition readers told Stephanie Liddle she could coach their bench any time. And now, it's time for another prelim round of:

Mikalea Redmond





Juancarlita Romero





Juanella Rincon





Martha LeCroy





Jo Mays





Luisa Rivas





Jessie Crain





Britney Boone.

More Boone Media Round-Up

A close personal friend of BG's has an essay on the Boone trade on ESPN.com's Page 2.

BG to Fox Sports: This Time It Counts

Dear Fox Sports,

Hi! You don't know me, but I've been watching for you some time. Actually, we spent a lot of time together last night—you see, I used to love the All-Star Game, and I still watch it over some misguided combination of nostalgia and obligation. Well, anyway, I can't remember precisely the point that watching the Midsummer Classic began to feel like watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade, but if I had to bet, it would be somewhere around the time you started broadcasting it.

Now, I'm not trying to be mean, here. It's important to remember that we all have things we're good at and things we're not so good at. I, for instance, make a great pie crust but can't hold a tune. So if I'm going to invite millions of Americans over to my house, I am much more likely to make a pie than to start covering Mariah Carey. It's just more polite. You're very good at many things. You have really amazing robot animation and laser sound effects; I don't want to take anything away from the lasers. But, the thing is, you totally suck at broadcasting baseball.

But, really, is this such shocking news? You had to know it, deep in your hearts. See, I think if you have to spend a lot time thinking about how you're going to keep people entertained during a baseball game, then you're probably not the best entity to broadcast said game.

I mean, do you remember the pregame? Your broadcasters got to interview one of the greatest baseball announcers of all time. They got to talk to Ernie Harwell! And you know what happened? He talked for a bit and Jeannie Zelasko cut him off. She cut him off. It was sort of like when I cut off a Yo Yo Ma performance of Bach's "Prelude to Cello Suite No. 1" to play "When the Saints Go Marching In" on my recorder.

And you know why she cut him off? So they could show some schlub from Texas participating in the Taco Bell Throw The Ball At The Damn Target. Jeannie Zelasko cut off Ernie Harwell to sell freakin' chalupas. (Was this our punishment for not voting in Jeter? If so, we're really, really sorry.) That wouldn't be all the fast food hawked by Fox announcers, though—Joe Buck did a Burger King promo then announced that the whole Detroit crowd was "having it their way." This is a time he could have been talking about baseball.

In fact, the only time the announcers seemed at all interested in talking about baseball was when they were interviewing the managers as the game was going on. I know that's old news now, but if we need to hear that Terry Francoma is having a great time, couldn't we do it before the inning actually starts? Or—I know—how about after the freakin' game?

Credit where credit is due: I do have to compliment you, though, on your Mound Cam innovation. We got an angle on the pitchers we never thought we'd get, and I have to say if I ever run a Name That Butt: Special All-Star Edition, your viewers will be all over it. And should we do a Name That Crotch, they'll be good at that, too!

Here's the other thing. It doesn't make the game better to have the fans vote for the MVP, it makes it stupider. I know it's a difficult distinction, but it's a really important one. And while it's all well and good to have Chevrolet give Miggy a Corvette, Miggy doesn't need a Corvette. Batgirl needs a Corvette.

So, anyway, what's important here is that you gave it the old college try. You've been monopolizing the sport for years now, robbing it of any sort of—oh—heritage, poetry, class. And I think it's time to focus your energy on something else. Something a little more flashy. Football, say. Or NASCAR. Or Battlebots. I'll even make you a pie.

Yours,
Batgirl

Bat Media Round-Up

Phil Rogers of the Chicago Tribune asks Can't The Sox Get Kenny? Curiously, at the end of the article he seems to imply The Gambler could come back to Minnesota. It seems an awfully strange thing to say, though I suppose anything could happen. Lou Pinella couldget Manager of the Year.

Rogers helped the Minnesota Twins win the Central in 2003 and could follow new second baseman Bret Boone there in a trade. There's not a contender he couldn't help, including the team with the best record in the majors.

Jayson Stark at ESPN gives some dubious props for Twins in his Midseason Awards:

BASE-STRETCHER OF THE HALF-YEAR -- Speaking of Great Moments in Baserunning, we turn our attention to the exploits of Twins flake Matthew LeCroy last weekend.

LeCroy -- who is so nimble that the Twins have compiled an actual highlight video of the 8,000 times he has literally fallen down on the job -- is also one of those speedsters who makes Juan Castro look like Scott Podsednik.

But for some reason, he tried to go from first to third July 3 on what looked like a game-winning single by Mike Redmond. Which meant Torii Hunter (the runner on second) had to shift into late-breaking turbo to make sure he crossed home plate before LeCroy got tagged out at third.

Fortunately, LeCroy stampeded into third safely, with a slide that manager Ron Gardenhire said later looked more like "a man falling down a stairwell." So the run counted. The Twins won. And Gardenhire then told the Minneapolis Star Tribune's Jim Souhan: "My goal is always to watch Matty slide -- because when Matty slides, that's more entertaining than baseball itself."

AND

Top Five Injuries of the Half-Year FIFTH PRIZE (HOTEL-LIFE DIVISION): (TIE) Twins shortstop Jason Bartlett ripped off a fingernail -- in his hotel room -- while trying to rotate the TV so he could watch a basketball game. And teammate Terry Mulholland missed a game when he rolled over in bed and a runaway feather from his pillow decided to insert itself in his eye.

Meanwhile, ESPN.com Page 2's Eric Neel picks Johan Santana for his dream team.

I could trot out a bunch of numbers to justify Santana, but I'm not going to do that, because you know the numbers and you dream about the numbers and you wish, the way a man in the desert wishes for a puddle of rain, that the numbers were for you instead of me. But numbers aside, my thing with Johan is this: He can pitch. He isn't just blowing guys away (though he is surely doing that), he's also toying with them on changes of speed and almost computer-calibrated location. All of this means we're likely to see him maintain his high level of performance, I think, because it isn't a straight physical gift that might one day up and leave him, like a flighty girlfriend who suddenly got a better offer.

In more Johan-related news, Gordon Wittenmeyer at the PiPress talks to El Presidente about his slightly-less-Supernatural season in

And the Strib reprints a story from the LA Times that asks Where Have All the Organists Gone?

Touch This Car

Last week, BG posted a link to the Courage Center Ultimate Twins Fan Vehicle Raffle. The Courage Center is also looking for volunteers to help staff the raffle at various events and Twins games. If you staff a game, you get a free pass to the game (though you can't go until the 3rd inning. Perfect for a Bradke start!)

For more information, look here.

Why is Torii Hunter Smiling?

Because he's signing the hood of the Cars for Courage Ultimate Twins Fan Vehicle, that's why. Dodge donated a 2006 Charger to Courage Center that has been signed by 40 Twins, past and present. The car will be raffled off on Fan Appreciation Day. You can buy a raffle ticket before every Twins home game on the Metrodome Plaza, at Courage Center, at select Dodge dealerships, and at other locations throughout the summer. For more information and a schedule, please see the Courage Center website.

For more pictures of the car, please click below.

Vote Torii II

What are you doing right now? At work? Bored? Are you voting for Torii Hunter? Huh? Huh? Are you?

If you need a justification, the Geek gives a good one.

It's an afternoon game. You're not going to get any work done anyway. Listen to the game, and VOTE. VOTE LIKE YOU'VE NEVER VOTED BEFORE. (Voting closes at 7 CDT.)

Vote Torii.

BatBlog Round-Up

Friend of Batgirl Jeffstoned has gathered up some Phils phan phriends and set down blogstakes at The Good Phight (Mr. Stoned is writing as dajafi). For more National League phun--I mean fun-- BallWonk's Nats Blog is required reading--BW is also a Twins fan and the alter ego of former BG poster arrScott. In other BG-commenter news, AMR gives us AMRs, joining frightwig, infield and as part of the exciting Batlings-with-Twins-blogs constituency. Also, BG has been remiss in not posting a link to the main page of Twins Geek's blog collaborative at Twins Territory. There, you can get the Geek's writings (Like this terrific anaylsis of the Bret Boone availablity) but also featured entries from a bunch of other bloggers. BG particularly likes the work of jclund, dwintheiser, and Carter Hayes. And if you like your Twins-sass with Actual Baseball Knowledge AND Exciting Insider Access, spend your days (and nights!) with Brad Zellar at Warning Track Power.

If all these links work, BG gets a cookie.

The Blogger's Minute

It was BG's turn to do the Blogger's Minute on the Twins Magazine this week, and she felt a need to comment further on the war of attrition going on in our infield.

Well, just this week we lost poor Glenn Williams, and in the subsequent days Juan Castro went down with dizzy spells and Michael Cuddyer got plunked on the wrist. All of this, of course, after stints on the DL by Brent Abernathy, Luis Rivas, Augie Ojeda, and Little Nicky Punto. In other words, if I were Luis Rodriguez, I would be watching my back.

Indeed, I happened upon Rodriguez and Al Newman walking into Home Depot the other day and as a service to The Blogger's Minute, I followed them. Newmie went right to the duct tape while L-Rod—looking both ways before he crossed each aisle—began to load roll after roll of bubble wrap onto his trolley. The next thing I knew, the two of them were out in the parking lot spreading the wrap out on the ground and pretty soon, Rodriguez was rolling himself up in it. By the time Newmie started sealing the whole package with duct tape, I think you could have mailed L-Rod anywhere in the world and he would have arrived in perfect condition. How his range is going to be in the field is another question.

But Rodriguez can only play one position at a time, and we do need to find other guys to fill out the infield. A quick look at our 40-man roster shows that most players are already out with some injury or another, whether it’s a hamstring pull, a back strain, growing pains, or hurt feelings. So, I think it's time we took a closer look at our options. There's T.C. Bear, an offensive powerhouse, but the lack of opposable thumbs is a serious problem. Newmie himself still has some skills, but I think infielders are supposed to be able to see their toes. It's time to look outside the organization. Way outside. Take Madeline Albright. She hasn't had anything to do for years, and she can turn a double play like nobody's business. Colin Powell was recently released by his organization but I think he could thrive in another environment. Sandra Day O'Connor might be an option, though she has some trouble playing to her left. And if Tom Cruise keeps talking, he's going to find himself in need of a job soon.

Whomever we find, I hope Rodriguez saved some bubble wrap.

Happy Birthday, BatDad

BatDad's Bday Present:

Note:This is a rerun of a post from last year.

Today is BatDad's birthday, and Batgirl would like to extend a big birthday shout-out to the man who taught her to love baseball. (It was Dan Gladden that taught BatMom to love baseball, but that's another story.)

When Batgirl and Goober were young, BatDad used to take them to Met stadium, and Batgirl has fond memories of sitting outside munching on goodies while her father explained to her the intricacies of the game. Or yelled things at Roy Smalley. And when Batgirl was older and the Twins moved to the Dome, sometimes he'd come home from work early, find Batgirl doing her homework, and say, "Hey, do you want to go to the game?"

Batgirl always did.

Both Batgirl and Goober grew up playing t-ball. For Goober, BatDad often served as coach. One year, he signed up BatMom to be a coach, too, because the teams were required to have two coaches and he didn't want to work with anyone else. He never actually told BatMom, and she was very confused when she started getting phone calls about practices. BatDad had of course signed up Mom to be head coach, and himself to be the assistant.

Once, during t-ball, Batgirl got an unassisted triple play. This remains a high point in the lore of the BatFamily, it essentially consisted of the ball magically landing in her hands, and BatDad shouting from the stands, "Step on the base!" then, "Tag him, tag him!" Batgirl would not always obey her father, but then she did and she's not sure if he's ever been so proud.

There's a park in front of Batgirl's old house, and in the park was a big tree with a hollow that is now lost to Dutch Elm disease. But that tree was the world's greatest catcher, even better than Joe Mauer. Batgirl and Goober would practice their hitting while BatDad threw pitches and talked to them about their stance. He taught Batgirl to throw the ball like a good third baseman, and in junior high gym, Batgirl sucked at every single sport—but she always got picked early for teams when softball time came around.

When the Twins went to the playoffs in '87, BatDad got the whole family tickets. We had our homer hankies, our shirts, our hats—we bought out the entire pro shop, for two weeks our family was in baseball heaven. When something good would happen, BatDad would stand up and cheer louder than anyone--he'd turn to his kids and give us sky-high double barreled high fives, whooping and beaming.

BatDad doesn't go to the games as much anymore; he doesn't like the Dome, and he lost track of the Twins during the Dark Years. But when he does come with us and something good happens, he still turns to us, both arms raised high in the air, slapping our hands hard with the joy of baseball shining in his eyes.

Now, BatDad has started playing catch with the five year old neighbor boy, and Batgirl cannot help but be touched. The boy might grow up to be a major leaguer or he might grow up to be a Supreme Court justice, but no matter what, when he plays baseball with his own son, he'll think of BatDad and smile.

When Little Nicky Punto Comes Back: A Caption Contest

With our infielders going down like flies, and with the whole sucking time thing, Twins fans the world over cannot help but look forward to the return of Little Nicky Punto (Tiny Superhero!) In fact, Batgirl saw this sign on her drive yesterday:

BG has been able to snap a few pictures of various people looking forward to the return of LNP. Can you tell her what they're thinking?

1.

When Little Nicky Punto comes back...

2.

When Little Nicky Punto comes back...

3.

When Little Nicky Punto comes back...

4.

When Little Nicky Punto comes back...

5.

When Little Nicky Punto comes back...

6.

When Little Nicky Punto comes back...

KC at the Dome: A Reenactment?

Kansas City at Twins. Twins 3, Royals 1.

The BatQuarters is closed for renovations, so BG and Jeb have been watching the games a casa Batgirl. Tonight we sat down on the BatCouch with our carbonated green tea and soy puffs, gathered the BatKitties Three, and prepared to watch our boys fight for their honor against the Kansas City Landed Gentry (name shamelessly stolen from infield). We turned on our specially-crafted TwinsTron 3000, which uses space age technology to stream all our Twins-related content—from TV to radio to the Interweb—directly to us. But just as the game was about to begin, we heard a curious rumbling in the distance—no, not a giant sucking sound coming from the Metrodome, but something else. Quickly we turned on the weather, and what we saw chilled us to the bone:

Then--with a flash and a crash!--lightening hit the BatPhalange, then there was a crackling sound from the TwinsTron, a strange, almost human-sounding moan, and then it all went dark.

The TwinsTron 3000 was dead.

A terrible silence filled the house, then Jeb hightailed it to the engineering room while Batgirl started rocking steadily.

"Fire up the backup generators!" screamed Batgirl.

"I don't have enough power!" called Jeb. "The whole house will fly apart!"

"Fly her apart, then!" screamed Batgirl.

But it was no use. Casa Batgirl was without the Twins game. Batgirl sat in a corner shaking and whimpering, while Jeb paced nervously. BatKitty #1 began gnaw slowly on BatKitty #3.

"You know what we can do?" said Jeb, finally. "We can use Legovision."

"Wh-wh-what do you mean?" asked Batgirl. "We can't do Legovision unless we've seen the game."

Jeb grabbed Batgirl's hands and looked into her eyes. "The Legos will show us the way."

And so they did.

Batgirl and Jeb field the Legos.

A couple minutes passed.
"By this time," said Jeb, arranging the middle infielders, "Castro and Rodriguez surely have recorded four outs."

The Twins' shortstop and second baseman getting four outs in one half-inning.

"My BatSense tells me that Torii's at the plate," said Batgirl some time later as the rain turned briefly to hail outside.



Hunter takes his first at bat.

Torii has a great at bat, seeing many pitches. Finally he says to pitcher Zack Grienke, "there's something I must tell you..."

"......I'm not left handed."

A hit up the middle!

Jacque comes to the plate.


"Wait," interupted Jeb, "I may not have BatSense, but a crick in my trick knee tells me Captain Cheeseburger is near!"



C.C. Sabathia appears in the Metrodome stands.


"Someone warn Little Nicky Punto!"
"We can't," Jeb replied, "our phone is dead!"
"Wait, LNP's in Rochester."
"Thank God..."
"But what's this?! The Captain's beaned Torii Hunter from the stands! Now that's dastardly!" cried Jeb.





"You bet your sweet ass, it is."

Jacque scores Torii, who had advanced to second on a C.C. Sabathia beanball from the stands.

Thunder boomed outside Casa Batgirl.

"Right about now Zack Greinke should be getting a phone call," said Batgirl.
"My thoughts exactly."



"Um, spacephone's for you, Zack."



"Jeez, ma, I asked you to not call me when I'm playing with the big guys. ...Ya, I know there's lightning, but... I know, but... ...But I'm inside a dome, ma... ....Oh, come on... ....I know... ...Okay..."
Greinke has to leave the game after the 6th.


"Hmm, I'm going to try to adjust the receiver on the TwinsTron using an algorithm derived from the Greis-integer," said Jeb, "I'll need to go work on the generator for a few minutes."


By this time, they'll be playing Dodgeball for a chance to win a totally awesome lease on a pickup, thought Batgirl...

Gardy: Hey, that Dodge is horribly dusty. Just filthy!

Mauer, Morneau...get out there and dust off that truck with your shirts! I want it spotless!

Joe Mauer and Justin Morneau work together to clean every inch of the truck, shirtless and glistening...


"I'm back," said Jeb, "what'd I miss?"
"Nothing! I was just setting up for the Twins' at bat!"

Aussie Glenn Williams comes to the plate with the bases loaded. Up 2-1, the Twins could sure use an insurance run.

"What's this?" said Jeb, "Williams has squared up to bat cricket style!"

Williams readies for the bowler's delivery.

I say, a fine straight bat loft! Justin Morneau scores! Twins lead, 3-1.

No one seems to have told Lew Ford the rules of cricket.


"Too bad, Batgirl, Lew's been caught off the popping crease for an out."
"Lew, caught off guard? Now you're just getting unrealistic, Jeb."

If

Batling PJStP comes out of lurkerville to remind us of this poem by Rudyard Kipling, another noted Twins fan.

If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs
and can only complain and whine;
If you can answer firmly to nay sayers
Yet acknowledge that these are the sucking times.

If you can stop yourself from extending current numbers
That would make the Bitch Sox greatest team by far;
While double plays keep coming with bases loaded
And Dan and Gordo cannot name a star.

If the Umpire Man is found to be blind and stupid
And bloop singles fall only for the other team;
And you watch the game surrounded by the cheese heads
Yet somehow manage not to make a scene.

If your old Boyfriend keeps slugging for the Bad Guys
And Pierzinski is now your personal Big Hurt;
Yet you can smile and say, “look, it’s cousin Charlie!”;
When the postgame highlights feature “Circle Me Bert”

If Batgirl leaves for foreign parts unfettered
And the boys take an unprecedented crash;
And the victories keep slipping through your fingers
But you never lose your hope, nor lose your sass;
Then revenge could be yours, but really what’s more
You’ll be a Twins Fan – bet your sweet ass.

Apparently Some Clarification Is In Order

My Dear Batlings,

When she came back from her journeys in Eastern Europe, BG was perhaps a little hasty, and would like to make some clarifications:

Why did BG delete the game threads? They were stressing her out. Moderating them was a chore, making adjustments to the program cost her money, and they stopped being fun. They led to a chat room atmosphere on BG.com that was driving people away. Some generous Batlings have hosted The Batcave for both chatting and game threads. And, yes, they tended to be 400 posts of misery--even before we started actually to suck--and it harshed BG's buzz.

Is there a no negativity policy on BG? No. Before we started the sucking time, BG was growing a little weary of the game threads which tended to be all about how awful we were when we were .627. Of course, right now we just blow, so that's another story altogether. There is a difference, though, between teeth gnashing and irreverence, and the game threads were leading to a lot of teeth gnashing. BG prefers irreverence. BG will probably frown on any further comments about murdering players, though.

Is there a no chatting policy on BG? Let's call it a guideline. BG.com was turning into a chat room, and making all but the chatters uncomfortable. BG would prefer if you kept your comments to the post. Of course, if there's news we all need to know about or if you run into Juan Rincon at PetCo, that's another matter.

Does Batgirl delete comments? You bet your sweet ass. BG doesn't go on the websites of Cleveland or Chicago fans and trash them, so when people come on for the express purpose of trolling, BG deletes the hell out of them, always has, and always will. She will also, as always, delete anything she sees as disrespectful towards the commenters or that threatens to erupt in a flame war. She will also, now, delete chatter. This is BG's site, she does it for fun, and she can do whatever she wants.

But Batgirl, you call them the Bitch Sox! That's so mean! Deal with it. I don't care what a White Sox blog calls the Twins. It is, of course, sass, and this is a rivalry. I'm sure the players are all lovely people.

In other words, it's just baseball.

With great love,
BG

Caption Contest

(This caption contest is rated PG-13.)

Every Hello is a Good-Bye

My darlings,

Shhhhhh.

Shhhhhhh.

It's okay now. It is. It's all going to be okay.

Batgirl is sorry. Batgirl never should have left. Orphans and sass-deprived Eastern European children, they are important, yes, but not as important as You, my dearest darlings. Yes, You. The Twins fan. Noble, headstrong, poetic, and dare I say....sensitive. We have needs. We're fragile.

But we must try to remember ourselves. We must stick together. We must remember that it is great to love a baseball team, but even better to love our fellow men, women, and BatKitties. We must remember that the forces of sass are greater than the forces of sucking, no matter how bleak things seem. When the darkness threatens, we may either succumb to it, we may either become creatures of darkness ourselves, or we can stand straight and hold up our hands and say, "No, darkness! I defy you! For I embrace the light!"

Batgirl wants to thank her dear friends kw, Skorch, el diablo, and RD for so ably pinch hitting in her absence. They have struggled nobly against the forces of darkness, and for that, we should all tip our hats. Batgirl certainly does.

Love,
BG

Game Threads and Comments

Due to stress on the server, stress on Batgirl, a chat-room ethos and an infectious and malignant negativity created by same, Batgirl has decided to no longer run game threads on BG.com. She regrets any inconvenience this may cause, but she believes it will make for a better site and a happier BG. Should someone like to host them somewhere else, e-mail BG and she shall post a link.

Batgirl is also going to enforce a more vigorous comment policy, and delete/edit comments that are off-topic or generally do not embrace the spirit of Batgirlness (Read: the site is designed for Twins-related fun. Teeth-gnashing, recriminations, and anything which takes the game too seriously are better done on the many excellent Twins-related blogs and message boards that have a more serious mission. Batgirl would like very much to keep offering comments on this site.)

Thanks for your understanding.

Twins Blogger Night/Admission Possible Fundraiser June 21st, Twins vs Tigers

I really wasn't planning to write on this, maybe make a comment in the recap and certainly not this long, but considering how the evening unfolded...

I left work early yesterday with the intent of getting in a workout and running some errands before leaving for the Dome. Well, the good intentions got blindsided by naptime, although I at least got to the post office and arrived at the picnic area reserved for Admission Possible around a quarter past five. There were already a lot of people there by the time I got there, and even moreso as the picnic wore on. I walked up to the check-in area, gave them my name and they announced "ok, you won the ticket to the owner's box suite".

...*blink*...

Elation. Panic. My God! What do I talk to Tony Oliva about, alone, for 3 hours? I didn't do any homework whatsoever! I wasn't even born when he was still playing (I think, see how little I know about him other than he's called "Tony O" and had his potentially hall-of-fame career cut short by injury?). I can only talk about the nice seats and the state of the team for so long before I just plain run out of material. When Skorch runs out of material, I either stop talking altogether, or conversation takes a wierd turn. Sometimes it works, sometimes I come off like a fruitcake. I saw TwinsGeek across the picnic area and made a beeline. I quickly re-introduced myself to him since meeting him at the Bulldog for an offseason Baseball blog get-together and helping him get the word out on the event-at-hand on this here site. I quickly showed him my ticket with a mix of excitement and concern and he informed me that he and his family were in the suite as well.

Relief. I can talk to the Geek. No problem, after reading him for the past 3 seasons or so I know him better than I know a lot of the people I work with. Sure, he doesn't know me but he'll doubtlessly have an arms-length list of probing, insightful questions off the top of his head for Tony O to keep conversation flowing. I said "Thank God there's someone else to talk to, I have no idea what I'm going to talk to Tony Oliva about!" To which he replied, "Yeah, me neither!"

Ok, fine. We'll be able improvise something though without much trouble I'm sure throughout the course of the game. Time to get some dinner. I gave my dinner ticket to the Admission Possible volunteer wearing shorts, a Twins t-shirt with Puckett's number, and lime green Chuck Taylors while pointing out to her that unlike my red Chuck Taylors, hers didn't match the ensemble. A look in my closet will confirm to anyone how little I know/care about fashion, but I've got a weakness for the canvas hightops. I sat down with my loaded hot dog, potato salad, chips, and drink when the Geek came by to inform me "Tony Oliva had to cancel, he's being replaced by Carl Pohlad."

Flashback Time: When I initially posted notice of the event, I included a line to the effect of "you won't be in the owner's box alone with Carl Pohlad, that would be uncomfortable, but instead with Tony Oliva." A little later that night I re-edited it since I didn't want it to seem like I was taking a shot at Pohlad, especially in light of his generosity towards Admission Possible.

Well, guess what? It looked like it was going to happen anyways, although at least it wasn't going to be a one-on-one squirmfest as I sat and wondered if he'd heard some of the unflattering things I'd said in the past about him.

Until the game started I walked around and tried to pick out the bloggers. I wound up sitting down with TwinsJunkie, his friend "Not Aaron Gleeman", and Stick and Ball Guy for a bit. They knew each other enough to talk to each other for awhile, pointed out Frightwig when he arrived, and later noted the real Aaron Gleeman arriving. They got up to talk to Aaron, I got up to look around a bit. I considered introducing myself to Frightwig, but he was in the middle of dinner and I really don't like the notion of interrupting celebrities while they're eating. In a few minutes I wound up finding someone in a Sonic Youth shirt and it turned out to be AMR with his nearly two-year-old daughter. We talked about music (I have to check out Animal Collective, I told him to take a listen to Sleepytime Gorilla Museum) and other things for awhile before his curious girl dragged him away.

Soon thereafter it was time to gather near the sign-in table to be led to the suite. There turned out being 11 of us that had tickets there. We were "led" there by another of the delightful Admission Possible volunteers who asked me "You look like you know where you're going, is it this way?" I assured her that Gate F was indeed to our left and we were off.

We got to the suite and a sort of overload took over. There were 8 purple theater-style seats and 4 bar-stool height chairs each with a program and red TC cap, two TVs, Framed front-page newspaper reprints from when the Twins won the '91 World Series, and a whole lot of food: huge-ass shrimp, chicken wings, ribs, a veggie/fruit/cheese tray, chips, popcorn, and what was later determined to be fish sticks. Oh! And there was free beer in the fridge! Ordinarily I'm not a Bud man, but I was last night given the choices.

Given the sheer novelty of what I was experiencing I found it hard to concentrate on the game. I cheered as Hunter robbed a homerun, booed some called third strikes, and lamented to myself the return of Lyle and the Ass-Bats (which I believe might be the name of a band that had a minor hit in the Detroit area called "Kicking Your Heart Down the Street and Laughing the Whole Time, Suckers"). Interspersed in this time was conversation with the Geek (who came up with probably the most perfect plan to win "The Jumbotron Challenge"), his wife The Voice of Reason, the others in the suite (including a guy named Mike who works on another site that I forgot the name of, sorry!), and both the aforementioned Admission Possible volunteers who stopped in to check on us and later exposed each other as Yankees fans. Towards the end of the game in the suite next to us we noticed Kent Hrbek watching through binoculars a woman being helped that was hit by a foul ball. Shrimp long gone by this time, I suggested we should ask him if he would get us some more.

Considering the good time I was having, I had even more reason to hope for a Twins rally, but it just didn't happen. It wasn't until we got closer to the end of the night that I realized Pohlad never showed up in the suite. He had been out in the picnic area for awhile when it was going on but I completely missed it. Otherwise we didn't see him. I would have liked to have at least thanked him personally for everything that was provided to us for the game.

As the game was going on I said to TwinsGeek "I feel like I should write something on this, but I have no idea what to say".

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Batling Night at the Dome

Written by: Kafumbly
Photos by: Babs and Herald

And it came to pass that the Batlings gathered at the Metrodome to witness the battle of the Minnesota Twins and the San Diego Padres, many of them meeting for the first time. Several Batgirl lurkers did appear in their midst, and they were most welcome.

Left to right:

row 1: E, heraldguy, Kristie (lurker), Angela (Kurtis’ wife)

row 2: Mike (lurker), Wee Sister’s Boyfriend (lurker), Wee Sister (lurker), JustBeth, kafumbly, Tumbleweed

row 3: David (lurker), Nick

Kristie (WAKE UP), CapitalBabs, Angela, Kurtis

The Batlings did keep score, yea verily, and…

Oh, I don’t want to do that anymore, I’m bored.

So herald grabbed a beer or two, the Batlings grabbed their scorecards, and they settled in to watch the game.

They cheered when Sweetcheeks stole second.

This is what it looks like to the other team when Torii steals a base. Where is he?! He’s blurry! And they are afraid, because there’s this out-of-focus man racing by, stealing a base.

The Batlings cheered when Shaggy pitched a scoreless 6th.

The Batlings booed when the umps made horrific calls. That ball was SO FAIR!!! He was OUT! Stupid ump, I shake my fist at you!

The Batlings cheered on their healthy, nicely-shaped Twins to take their minds off the ass calls of the umpires.

Well, the female Batlings cheered the Twins’ posteriors. The male Batlings just cheered on the Twins.

And when the game was over, the score not entirely to their liking, the Batlings bid each other adieu… till they should meet again in the blog of Batgirl.

Reminder: Batling Singles Night!

Fellow Batling heraldguy sez:

To All and Singular To Whom These Presents Shall Come, Greetings: Whereas we, the devotees of the great Lady Batgirl do desire to attend en masse a contest featuring our beloved Minnesota Twins, Be it known to all that we shall be attending said contest on Saturday, the 18th day of June, 2005. Be it further known that we do intend meeting in section 214, and that this event is open to all who would enjoy our company.

So if you're looking for Twins love and/or companionship, go all the way down the first base line tomorrow night and join the party! Who knows? The event might produce some matchups of future padres and madres. But please, not on the first date.

And I've been reminded to say: "sorry, ladies, Joe Mauer will not be attending due to previously-scheduled on-field commitments."

Reminder: Twins Blogger Night

Batlings - In case you missed the announcement Friday night, TwinsGeek is organizing a Twins Blog charity get-together prior to Tuesday night's game. The details on how you can attend and perhaps share the owners box with Tony Oliva can be found here. As soon as I finish typing this I'm ordering my ticket, but don't let that discourage you from attending with everyone you can rustle up yourselves. If you have questions of the TwinsGeek about the event post them below and I'm sure he'll be happy to answer.

Haiku Contest: An Unofficial Winner

It has been brought to my attention that there was never an official declaration of the haiku contest winner (Thanks, Commish). In an effort to tidy up around the blog a bit before Team Batgirl returns from eastern Europe (reports have it they were last seen teaching waifs the international sign language for "talk to the hand"), I will declare that Brukowski, with a solid 25% of the vote, is the tentative winner until Batgirl herself comes back and can rule decisively. His unofficially-winning haiku reads:

I beg you, "Kiss Cam,"

Don't put us on the jumbo,

This girl's my sister.

Unofficial congratulations to Brukowski and all the finalists!

Hottest Chick: Special Coaches Edition

Last time on Minnesota Twins: Hottest Chick, Shannon Stewart was declared the Hottest Chick! For this round, since Team Batgirl is well out of the country, we wanted to use this chance to give the coaches a chance! So, here we go ladies!

Rochelle Anderson

Rhonna Gardenhire

Jerri White

Stephanie Liddle

Alaine Newman

Ricki Stelmaszek

Scarlett Ullger

Twins Blogger Night!

Batlings - John Bonnes, better known to internet-savvy Twins fans as TwinsGeek, is organizing a charity get-together for the June 21st game vs Detroit. The details are below, and there's a chance you (yes, you!) could win tickets to watch the game from the owners box! You won't be by yourself trying to make polite conversation with Carl but rather with Twins legend Tony Oliva. Read on below:

For awhile now, we've talked generally about a Twins bloggers night. It's here.

A friend of mine, Jim McCorkell, started a non-profit group called Admission
Possible five years ago. Its goal is to help promising low-income students
earn admission to college. The mission is to identify low-income young
people with the potential and the motivation for college and then provide
them with four critical services: (1) SAT and ACT test preparation; (2)
intensive assistance in preparing college applications (3) help in obtaining
financial aid and (4) guidance in transition to college.

Now here comes the fun part: They've received a gift from the Pohlad family
for a Twins event on Tuesday, June 21st. The Twins host the Tigers, and
Admission Possible gets a picnic, the owner's suite, and just about as many
tickets as they want. They can do whatever they want with it and EVERY PENNY
goes to Admission Possible.

Here's the deal:

For $25, each person gets a ticket to the game, admission to the pregame picnic tent (SW corner of the dome, 5-7PM, with hot dogs, chips, soda), and a raffle ticket to sit in the owner's box - with Tony Oliva. Kids are just $5, which is obviously less than the cost of the ticket (or the hot dogs, for that matter). Tony O will also be stopping by the picnic. It's perfect - a great event, with fellow Twins fan(atics), food, a jazz band, a chance to sit in Carl's suite, and not only does every penny go to a worthy cause, but the Pohlad family is doubling it. Admission Possible is coordinating everything, and you can sign up right now at:

I honestly can't think of how this could get any better. (OK, I can, and it involves those cinnamon roasted almonds, but I'll work that out myself).

Admission Possible has been wildly successful, as the Strib noted in this editorial (http://www.startribune.com/stories/561/5353906.html ) a couple of years ago and MPR more recently. (http://news.minnesota.publicradio.org/features/2005/06/06_pugmiret_graduates/)

• 97% of the students they assisted have been admitted to college. This year, 100% of their 246 senior students have been admitted to college. 95% of their seniors this year have been admitted to a four-year college.

• 91% of students who enrolled in college are still enrolled and working toward their college degree (the oldest students are now college juniors, so they don't yet have graduation data). Nationally, only about 50% of all students who enroll in college graduate within six years.

• Students in this program have shown an average ACT score improvement of 16%! Leading for-profit companies like Kaplan, by comparison, advertise average increases of 12-14%. This year the average score of Admission Possible's students moved from about 15.5 to about 18.

• A recently completed analysis shows that an investment of $3,000 for one Admission Possible student (programming costs for the 2 years of the program) will yield a 500% return to society over the course of the student's lifetime.

  I'll be there with bells on, along with The Voice of Reason, The Chatty Chatty Princess, The Boy, Aaron Gleeman and some other bloggers. Tragically, we found out a month ago that Bat Girl won't get back from her vacation until the day after the event, so we'll be counting on her dear readers to fill the void. I really hope you can make it. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to post them below, or contact me at TwinsGeek.com.

  Thanks,
  John

What do you say? If it's not me, I'd love nothing more than for the owners box seat to go to a fellow Batling. Click the link above and sign up, and make your plans or ask questions of TwinsGeek below.

Impromptu Batling Get-together!

So what if it's a school night or if you have to work in the morning? There are a few of us getting together tonight at the Bulldog to shirk our adult responsibilities with the intent of cheering on our Twins until the bleary-eyed final-out.

The address is 2549 Lyndale Ave S and has been accomodating to Batling get-togethers in the past. Stop on by and help Skorch write his recap!

Every Good-Bye is a Hello, Redux

My darlings,

Team Batgirl has been called away on an urgent mission to perform sass transfusions to children's hospitals throughout the eastern Europe. We will be gone until June 23rd, and RD, Skorch, kw, and el diablo will be pinch blogging in our stead. Batgirl regrets that her humanitarian work has taken her away from the Twins so much this season; she has one more mission for a few days in early August, but otherwise will be here where she belongs. Be good while she is gone. The pinch bloggers are in charge. Love them, love each other, and love the Twins. BG expects to see her boys in first when she returns.

Endless Love,
BG

p.s. Goober will be doing the B.O.D. through Thursday, but then the B.O.D. will be suspended until Team Batgirl returns. This should not stop you from picking your own B.O.D.'s, however.

Haiku Finalists

Team Batgirl is pleased to announce the Second Annual Haiku Contest Finalists. Please vote for your favorite. Voting will close Wednesday after the game, and Goober will announce the winner Thursday morning. Thank you to all for your submissions. You may vote once per day.

Here are the finalists:

Oh Justin Morneau
How lovely it would be to
Reach first base with you
-Angela

A gray teflon roof
keeps out sunshine like a pall
Will Sox die beneath?
-Ask Kleiner

I beg you, "Kiss Cam,"
Don't put us on the jumbo,
This girl's my sister.
-Brukowski

The wind is blowing
The fly ball towards center field
Torii's glove appears
-Katharriet

Johan to Bitch Sox:
Sit down evil pretenders
Spring ends, leads fade
- Me

Captain Cheeseburger.
You are fat and butt ugly.
Put your hat on straight.
- NIH

The bases are juiced
Help me, sweet Lew Fordwalker
You're my only hope
-Roscoe

Twins have a problem
Can't find Lew Ford! Where is Lew?
Revenge of the Sith
-Ryan

Time erodes all things:
Lofty mountains, mighty oaks,
Sox division lead
-Salt-Man Z

Please note: Due to a technical problem--it wouldn't let anyone vote on one of the entries--BG had to redo the poll at midnight. Please revote. BG apologizes for any inconvenience.

Spellcheck.

BG Note: Every few weeks, BG does a Blogger's Minute on the Twins Magazine on 'CCO. BG feels that her topic this week was so important as to merit discussion on Batgirl.

Well, we've had another glorious National Spelling Bee this week, but as young obsessive-compulsives from all over the country dazzled us with their abecedarian knowledge, spelling such words as Gallipot and pasqueflower and the winning Appoggiatura, I couldn't help but feel a little sad. Two years ago, the Twins were a walking Spelling Bee word list of their own, what with A.J. P-I-E-R-Z-Y-N-S-K-I and Doug M-I-E-N-T-K-I-E-W-I-C-Z. Their names dazzled opponents, stunning them into submission. Why, every time Frank Thomas saw Dougie's name on his jersey he'd strike out and run crying into the dugout. I believe half of our division lead in '03 was caused by an excess of consonants.

But now, we're just spoiled. Our DH has seven letters to his whole name. Our brains have become so soft and lazy that we can't figure out how to pronounce M-O-R-N-E-A-U. I, for one, think that if we're trying to choose between MOR-neau and Mor-NEAU we should just pick the one that hits more homers. Pretty soon, the whole team is going to get in on the act, and we'll be told that it's Luis Ri-VAS and Little Nicky Pun-TO and Kyle Lo-SHE—which may actually be right, I've never been clear on how that's pronounced.

As for complicated last names, there's not much hope in our farm system, either—not when we're drafting guys like Matt M-O-S-E-S and Denard S-P-A-N. Were it not for A-ball infielder Kaulana Kuhaulua and pitcher Tim Henkenjohann, that's H-E-N-K-E-N-J-O-H-A-N-N, we'd have a serious depth problem in our organization as a whole, like the New York Yankees, except our deficit is in difficult-to-spell names as opposed to actual baseball talent. Something to think about.

New Game! New Game!

Kurtis has a new game! Pin the Stripes on the Yankees!

Batling Singles Night!

Some intrepid Batlings are organizing a singles night at the Dome for Saturday, June 18's game. (Though all are welcome regardless of single status.) Interested? Make plans here.

Here is the official announcement from HeraldGuy:

To All and Singular To Whom These Presents Shall Come, Greetings: Whereas we, the devotees of the great Lady Batgirl do desire to attend en masse a contest featuring our beloved Minnesota Twins, Be it known to all that we shall be attending said contest on Saturday, the 18th day of June, 2005. Be it further known that we do intend meeting in section 214, and that this event is open to all who would enjoy our company.

Second Annual Twins Haiku Contest!

Something's been missing this season from Batgirl's life and that something is Twins poetry. Therefore, Team Batgirl is very proud to announce the second annual Twins Haiku contest. Please submit your entries in the comments below. You will have until GAME-TIME FRIDAY to submit your Haiku.

Remember, a Haiku is made up of three lines, the first with five syllables, the second with seven, and the third five again. Haiku are valued for their simplicity, openness, lightness, and depth. For more information on the Haiku, please see this helpful website.

You may enter as many times as you like. Team Batgirl will select finalists this weekend, and then we will all vote for the winner.

Happy writing!

Kafumbly, HeraldGuy, and Tumbleweed's Big Adventure

BATGIRL'S NOTE: The following is Batling Kafumbly's report of her expedition to the Great Northland to watch the Twins in Toronto. Entry and pictures by Ms. Fumbly. Thank you to her for sharing their adventures with us.

It was Tuesday.

A 30-something female sat at her desk, staring forlornly at her computer screen. Something was tugging at her insides, making her uneasy and restless - and it wasn't the burrito she'd had for dinner the night before, although that wasn't helping. Suddenly, it came to her.

"I have a dream," she proclaimed. "I have a dream that I shall drive to Toronto with fellow Batlings - and my cat, Tumbleweed - and cheer on the Minnesota Twins."

She shared her dream, looking for companions. Many were willing, but only one was able. And so it was that kafumbly, heraldguy, and Tumbleweed began their journey across five states and a country in search of truth, honor, and baseball.

What follows is the account of their trip. Everything that you are about to read is true.

Day One

We set off on our trip under cloudy skies, but with uplifting thoughts of Joe Nathan and Shannon Stewart and Little Nicky Punto dancing in our hearts. The drive through Wisconsin was uneventful, but upon entering Illinois, the world seemed strange, as if something were sucking the joy and soul from the Earth itself. Birds dropped from the sky in mid-flight. Raccoons and deer collapsed at the side of the road in droves, as if struck by some unseen evil force. What could cause such devastation? What entity could be foul enough to display such utter disregard for Nature?

The answer came as a stench, rotten and overpowering, filled the air. We looked to the West and beheld the rotting carcass that is home to the Chicago Bitch Sox: US Bitchular Field.

Indeed, it loomed ahead of us, seeming to block our way, as though sensing our desire to cheer on our Minnesota Twins.

"None shall pass," it bellowed, its voice hollow and forbidding. "Bow before the mighty -"

But we didn't wait for the end of its message.

"Take off, hoser!" heraldguy said, and we slowed down to give that awful place the full dose of mental mooning. (We wanted to give it a good, old fashioned actual mooning, but, just having met the day before, thought better of it. "Hi, nice to meet you, I'm going to show my butt to that building over there." Um... no.)

"Take that!" Tumbleweed shouted.

"I shake my fist at you!" I said, shaking my fist.

US Bitchular Field shrank in fear and cried out, "You Twins fans are so mean!"

And we drove on and chuckled at the slowly fading sobs of the Bitches.

The mood brightened considerably as we passed into Indiana, and by Michigan, we had all but forgotten the ugly scene in Chicago. A rousing chorus of "We're Gonna Win Twins" took care of the bitter aftertaste for good.

Soon, however, edginess of a new kind took us over - the game between the Twins and Blue Jays was just beginning, and we were not yet within radio distance.

Who was in the lineup? Was it Kyle or Lyle on the mound? Would the Doctor break his slump? But most important: has Torii Hunter found his spoon?!

The minutes seemed like hours, the hours like days, until we passed through Flint, Michigan, and picked up an erratic signal from London, Ontario, Canada.

"... 4-1 ... Cuddyer ... bottom of the ninth ... errant throw ... 4-3 ... Joe Nathan ..."

Oh, my! It seemed as though our Twins had the lead, but just barely. The signal weakened and crackled and hissed, causing our poor hearts to thump madly in our chests. Radio feed, come back!

And then: "... Twins have taken the first two games of the series..."

Hooray!

We listened to the postgame show, chukling at the many replays of Hinske's error at first - the dropped double play ball that helped the Twins to victory. And as we passed into Canada, the sun shone for the first time all day.

Day Two

We headed into Toronto Sunday morning in high spirits. The sun was shining, the Tim Horton's downstairs in the hotel was freshly-stocked with donuts, and we were going to see our Twins. Tumbleweed, especially, was thrilled, as she hadn't seen Little Nicky Punto or Boo in a week.

The gates weren't open yet at Rogers Centre when we arrived, so we took a look around. We walked behind the stadium, beyond the CN Tower, and saw an armored car pull up to the loading dock. The driver looked familiar, but his skewed cap covered up his face. He got out and, glancing furtively around, unloaded a large, heavy package, which he handed off to the Jays' loading dock guy. They nodded at one another, and the armored car pulled away as the Jays' guy brought the package inside. I could have sworn I knew who that armored car driver was...

When 11:00am rolled around and they opened the gates, we skipped into the stadium The roof was open! Yahoo! (But they closed the roof just before the game started. *sigh*) We hung out on the visitors' side of the field for most of the pregame, but the Twins didn't come out for batting practice. The pitchers came out, though, and Tumbleweed ran out to say hi to Boo, and she stood by as Johan signed autographs, to make sure no one got out of hand.

The best part, though, was when Shaggy and The Vulture were walking past, and Shaggy signed my program, and heraldguy made a comment about my deep respect for Jesse Crain. Shaggy whispered something to The Vulture, perhaps something like, "There's a hot chick over there who loves you." ;-) And Jesse The Vulture Crain walked over and signed my program.

"Hi, boyfriend," I said. "You're the best pitcher, ever, and we drove 15 hours from Minneapolis just to see you."

"Really? Wow," he said. "You're the best fans, ever." Emotion overtook him, and we embraced.

"There, there, honey," I said, "You just go out there and pitch your best if you're called upon, and I'll be in the stands cheering for you."

"But what if I go out in the 8th with a runner on third and give up a base hit and the runner scores and then I walk a guy? Will you still love me then?"

I looked him in the eye.

"Jesse, dear, these things are going to happen from time to time. You're going to give up runs, and you're going to walk guys. But you'll always be my favorite bullpen pitcher next to Joe Nathan, because you kick ass. Now you go out there and pitch your little heart out."

"Thanks. Okay," he said, and bounced off to the dugout.

Little Nicky Punto was amazing in the top of the first, with a bunt single and a stolen base, but after a couple innings went by with some pretty wacky at-bats, I became suspicious. I sent Tumbleweed to the Twins dugout to check on the bats.

She made her way across, sniffed the bats, and sent a signal with her tail: Suspicion confirmed! The Twins were using ass bats!

How did they get ass bats?! I made double sure that they wouldn't clear customs. Something was amiss. And then I remembered the armored car from before the game, and I realized who was driving: none other than Captain Cheeseburger. That dirty Toon was trying to sabotage the Twins! I'll get him later...

I signaled back to Tumbleweed: Where are the real bats?

Tumbleweed disappeared for a few minutes and signaled back when she returned: The Jays have them!

I signaled back: Switch them up!

So she went to work gathering the ass bats, but it was clear that the Jays' first base coach stole our signs: Tumbleweed was thwarted at every attempt to sneak the ass bats to the Jays dugout. There was no way around it - the Twins were stuck with ass bats, and at the worst possible time, as "Doc" Halladay was pitching a hell of a game.

Tumbleweed spent the rest of the game in the dugout, but her encouragement and playful antics weren't enough to inspire the boys to overcome the lethal combination of lights-out pitching and ass bats.

And with the final score Jays 4 Twins 0, heraldguy, Tumbleweed, and I made our way out of Rogers Centre. The loss was tough, but we felt sure that this game belonged to Roy "Doc" Halladay, ass bats or no. At least we got to see some spectacular pitching, even if all of it didn't come from Twins pitchers.

And we got circled!

After a series of unfortunate hotel room injuries - heraldguy had the coffeepot explode as he was trying to brew some Fine Arabian Decaf and had to hold his pinky finger under cold water for ten minutes; I got a hangnail trying to adjust the fan; and Tumbleweed, still half asleep, tried to jump to the bathroom counter and missed, landing in the garbage - we headed for home.

Our feelings were mixed. Sure we had driven fifteen hours to watch the Twins get shut out by the Toronto Blue Jays. But in the process, we got to see and do some very cool things.

We found the NHLPA offices in downtown Toronto and shook our fists at it. heraldguy saw some great architecture. I got to meet Jesse Crain, he smiled at me. We cheered for our Twins in Toronto. Tumbleweed got to spend some time with Boo and LNP.

We ate at Wayne Gretzky's and saw some very cool Wayne Gretzky hockey stuff. And I got to watch the Memorial Cup game between the London Knights and Rimouski Oceanic and watched Sidney Crosby do some amazing things with the puck.

The trip was definitely worthwhile, but next time, I think I'll just teleport. It's much easier that way.

"I just gotta catch up with those guys!"

The Return of Darth Thomas: A Reenactment

While the Bitch Sox have the best record in the league, they lost five of seven last week and anyone who has spent time in the clubhouse knows why. While the Sox have played terrific baseball, they have not yet managed to cohere as a team—you can talk about "smart ball" 'til the cows come home, but individuals don't become a team through fancy slogans. What the Bitch Sox need is a leader, one who can help them through these difficult times, one who can provide a shining example of selflessness. And yesterday, that leader came to them.

It was a typical day in the Bitch Sox clubhouse. The players were sitting around chewing chaw and drinking Schlitz and talking about what a big bully Torii Hunter is when things got testy.

"You know," said Mark Buehrle. "I think I hate Torii Hunter more than anyone here."

"Bullcocky!" said Paul Konerko. "I hate him more than you've ever hated him!"

"Oh yeah? Your mom LOVES Torii Hunter!"

"Wanna make something of it?"

Yes, yes he did…



…and pretty soon the whole clubhouse had, yet again, broken out in a terrible brawl.


Then, suddenly, an old friend entered...

"Doo doo doot do dooo. Here I am, Darth Thomas off the DL, and ready to help my team!…



"What the—"



"Guys! Guys, what are you doing? Guys, what's happened to you? NOOOOOO!"


"Whatever shall I do?…

…I'm the team leader. I need to help my team, and FAST!"


"Guys! Stop beating each other up and listen to me!…

…I think we need to work on a little something called TEAMWORK! Come with me! I think what this team needs is a teambuilding retreat!"



"Keep riding. It's just ahead! Oh, man, you guys are going to love this place!"



"Okay, this is called a trust fall. Just lean back…"



"…and let your teammates catch you."



"Now, Timo, you just let yourself be guided, okay? Don't worry that you can't see—they'll tell you where to go."



"You have to coach each other through the ropes course."



"Everyone's a winner here!"


"Okay, this is a human knot. You guys have to untangle yourselves without letting go of each others' hands, okay?..."

"...for there is no winning without holding hands!"



"Good job! That's it! Boo-yah!"



"Now, we're going to throw the ball around. Whoever catches the ball has to say something nice about the person that threw it. Ready?"



"Um, AJ, I think you have really nice eyes."



"You guys, we've come a long way today. I'm really proud of you. Now, should we sing?"


The Bitch Sox, unified at last, are ecstatic...

"Yay, Darth Thomas! Yay! Hip Hip…"

"….Hooray!"

Unfortunately, during the post retreat celebration, Thomas injured his hip. He is day to day.

Batgirl gives propers to TR...

Terry Ryan shakes on another sweetheart deal for the Twins.

Batgirl tells the good folks of Goatriders.org why our GM can beat up all comers.

In case you missed it...

From this weekend's famous Joe and Justin appearance. Somebody has said that they look like they're in an episode of "The Office." Which is Tim and which Gareth, and will one of them build a wall of binders between the two?

Every Good-Bye Is a Hello

My darlings,

Batgirl will be away for the week delivering sass to orphans in France, but the rest of Team Batgirl will take over the blogging duties. Be good to them, and to each other. Batgirl will see you again on Memorial Day.

Endless Love,
Batgirl

New Game! New Game!

Batling Kurtis gives us Torii the White Sox Killer!

Welcome to Hotel Joe!

In a recent article in USA Today, Joe Mauer said he would be hosting a party for his friend Justin Morneau's 24th birthday this Sunday at his home—a.k.a. "Hotel Joe." Team Batgirl was able to secure an invitation and took these top secret pictures to share with you. We are very pleased to present:

The guests begin to arrive. "Be careful," Mike Redmond warns. "Joe gets pretty Martha about these parties. Did you bring your toga?"



The happy host! To-GA! To-GA!



Things get pretty crazy as Terry Mulholland pours some carbonated green tea on Matt Guerrier.



The guest of honor arrives and looks skeptically at the toga Mauer throws him.



"You'll wear that toga and LIKE IT!"



"Hey, what the HELL'S that?"



"GODDAMN IT CUDDY! I SAID NO CRAPPY LOVE SONGS!"



Matt LeCroy rolls in! But where's his toga?



"Shout! (Come on now!)"



There's that toga, Matty! A little bit softer now!



"Hey, Joe, this toga party's all right."



"Hey that's great, Justin! Now, let's have a PANTY RAID!"



"AWESOME!"

Happy Birthday, JustIncredible.

How did YOU celebrate Justin Morneau's birthday yesterday? Batlings Suzy and Theresa send this lovely photo of their own party. And look, Bobblehead Dougie came!

Batlings at the Dome

There is a movement afoot to have a Boo rally at the Dome tonight. Make your plans below!

Minnesota Twins: Hottest Chick Round 2.

Last time on Minnesota Twins: Hottest Chick, Justina Morneau was far and wide declared the hottest chick, with bestest bud Josephine Mauer a distant second. Now, let's look at some of the gals in our second round. Ladies?

Caroline Silva.

Michelle Cuddyer.

Josephina Nathan.

Kylie Lohse.

Terri Mulholland.

Little Nicki Punto.

Shannon Stewart.

And if you win it, give it to Batgirl...

Batgirl got a letter from the director of the Minnesota Stroke Foundation. May is Stroke Awareness Month, and the foundation will be auctioning off a truly fabulous baseball quilt that has been signed by all the Twins. (View the quilt .)

Tickets for the raffle are $2 and can be purchased by calling or visiting StrokeMN.Org. The drawing will be June 1.

In addition, the foundation is sponsoring a Strides for Stroke Walk on June 4th at the State Capitol. John Gordon and his wife Nancy will be the honorary walk leaders.

New Game! New Game!

Looking to kill time before today's 2pm start? Play kw's Batkitty Detective

BatServer

My friends, my web hosts had to shut down the game thread yesterday, for which they apologize profusely. It seems something in the interaction between the server's hardware and the software used to create the comments is causing the whole thing to go kerplooey. We're working on options, but in the meantime we'll be putting up an offsite gamethread at quicktopic.com. You can just come here and click through and all will be well.

1-800-IWANTADAMN BALLPARK #2

Okay, so the ballpark plan moves to the legislature now, and there will certainly be much grandstanding in our future. No doubt the anti-stadium forces will be out in, well, force. So here's what to do next, straight from the mouth (or keyboard) of Dave St. Peter.

If you support the new ballpark plan, I would encourage you to contact your legislator and make your voice heard. To find out who your legislators are, go to the district finder website.... Please let them know that you are happy that Hennepin County and the Minnesota Twins have developed a plan to build a new ballpark and you want to see the ballpark bill pass through the Minnesota Legislature. Please provide your name and address, so your legislator knows you are from their district. In addition, the Minnesota Twins could use your support in sending letters to the editor at the Star Tribune and Pioneer Press. Ballpark opponents are organizing campaigns to block the new proposal and we want to keep the momentum in our favor. Letters to the editor can be sent to or .

The Leg closes for summer May 23, so if it were done when 'tis done, then 'twere well It were done quickly!

Batgirl TV Is Proud To Present...

…another exciting episode of:

Last time on Little Nicky Punto: Tiny Superhero:

This granny was very sad.





Her quarter for the collection plate went down the grate! Whatever will she do!




But wait…it's a bird! It's a plane!

It's Little Nicky Punto…





…Tiny Superhero.




"Don't worry, Ma'am!…

…I'll get your quarter!"





"Oh, thank you Little Nicky Punto! You saved the day!"





"That is what I do, for I am Little Nicky Punto: Tiny Superhero, and I can fit in places others cannot!"




And now for tonight's exciting episode of Little Nicky Punto: Tiny Superhero!

Oh no! There's an evil mecha-Yankee terrorizing the Metrodome parking lot! Someone help!





"BWA HA HA! I AM THE EVIL MECHA YANKEE!"





"This looks like a case for Little Nicky Punto!"





"Wha?"





"Evil mecha-Yankee, you've just hit your last homerun!"




Little Nicky Punto tries to deliver a little upper-cut square on evil Mecha-Yankee's chin…

…and ricochets right off its fiendish armor.





"BWA HA HA! YOU CANNOT STOP ME LITTLE NICKY PUNTO! YOU ARE WAY TOO FREAKIN' SMALL!"





"Sometimes great things come in small packages, evil Mecha-Yankee!"




Little Nicky Punto climbs into a very small hole in the evil mecha-Yankee's armor.

"Wha—"

"HEY! THAT TICKLES! I HATE TICKLING! AAAAAAAGH!"




In agony, the evil mecha-Yankee collapses on the ground…

as Little Nicky Punto climbs out of his armor, victorious.




"Let's hear it for small ball!"

Little Nicky Punto: Tiny Superhero. He can fit in places others cannot.

To Juan.

Dear Juan,

This has been a hard day. I never dreamed a Twin would test positive for drugs. Sure, there are players that we have had in recent years who I thought might have been on the stuff but they haven't been for a couple of years or they aren't with the team anymore. But more than that, you'd have to be a colossal moron to still use after Selig finally pulled his head out of his bum this year and decided to "get tough."

Juan, I don't think you're a colossal moron, or a cheater for that matter. I've had people tell me you’re about the nicest, most decent Twin of all and it's something I've really enjoyed believing. Because, well, that's just what you seem like—a decent guy with one hell of an arm and a perpetually frightened expression.

So, what do I do with your positive drug test? I've been so hard on Barry Bonds and Jason Giambi, because they are cheaters and baseball, well, it's a beautiful game and does not deserve to be sullied with cheating. Steroids need to be out of baseball, and all of the attention paid to the problem is long overdue. But here's the problem; any time the spotlight is shined on some kind of wrongdoing, we often forget the principles of justice in our haste, and when it's a legal matter due process can fly out the window. When Alex Sanchez proclaimed his innocence after his test, I couldn't help but wonder if he might be telling the truth, if we were going to sacrifice a few players in the name of baseball's brand new toughness. I'm all for Selig's proposal to ban players for 50 days on their first offense (And that's the first time I've ever agreed with Selig on anything), but some questions need to be answered first—are these tests foolproof? What safeguards are in place to prevent false positives or tampering? Why is there no appeal process?

I want to believe you're innocent, Juan. I want to believe there has been a mistake—because this just doesn't fit the Juan Rincon we know. There's been a lot of talk in the comments yesterday about some substances that are banned here but not in Venezuela, and about shakes and supplements that have some very secret ingredients. Now, look, a player should know the rules and should know what's in every pill and potion he puts in his mouth, and if you've ingested something without knowing it, you're guilty of stupidity; though in that case, does the punishment fit the crime?

If that's the case, perhaps people will now look more closely at the stuff they're taking and won't run health risks in the future. And with the new measures, perhaps steroids won't have the allure they do now for players from impoverished countries, guys who have a chance to escape terrible poverty if they are good enough for the bigs, guys whose entire fortunes will be made or lost on their bodies. It wasn't like baseball cared what these guys took—at least not until this year.

So, Juan, are you a victim of carelessness? Of stupidity? Or did you juice? Because if you did, I have to tell you, it will break my heart. I expect better from my players. Juan, if you did juice, I'll be really angry—you've marred your reputation and you've marred the team, too, and its fans. And I guess I'll be a little hurt, too—maybe that's not fair, but it's true. And if you didn't juice, well, I hope there's a way to prove yourself. Either way, I cannot stand it. May baseball be rid of this whole ghastly problem soon so we can get back to loving the game.

And, no matter what, as amr posted in the comments yesterday, some serious questions need to be asked of your orthodontist.

Sincerely,
Batgirl

Dial 1-800-IWANTADAMNBALLPARK

The Hennepin County Commissioners are to vote Tuesday afternoon on the new stadium proposal. Have an opinion? Yes? Perhaps you'd like to share it with them.

Boyfriend T-Shirt Update

Man Crush shirts=4 for Lew, 3 Johan, 1 each LeCroy, Jones, and Morneau.
Newly Made, Little Nicky Punto Boyfriend and Man Crush shirts.

A late surge by Dr. Morneau coming off his concussion. Batgirl must admit she's very surprised at the low number of Sweetcheeks shirt sold. I mean, it's Sweetcheeks!

Minnesota Twins: Hottest Chick

Well, Batgirl can't do a weekend round-up when two of the games get called off by SNOW. I mean, the Twins lost on Friday in extra innings, and that was no fun, and then the heavens poured down on the Motor City, and that was even less fun. So on Saturday Team Batgirl just felt sorry for itself, then on Sunday there was some discussion of the new Stadium Proposal, then we all played Nicky Punto: Utility Outfielder for a while, and then we just sat around asking questions like, Hey, what if Terry Mulholland's arm is REALLY made of rubber and Who do you think would win in a battle between Johan Santana and Darth Vader and If the Twins were chicks, who would be the hottest?

Well, of course, the principles of good scientific investigation are very important to Team Batgirl, so without further ado we present:

(Thanks to the great gals at UPN's America's Next Top Model for the help. Keep on reaching for the stars, ladies!)

Jasonita Bartlett





Bradella Radke





Jacquerina Jones





Johana Santana





Justina Morneau





Lewella Ford





Josephine Mauer





Daphne Hunter

A BatOutlet for a Baseball-less Weekend

To help alleviate some of the mind-numbing tedium created by this unprecedented and certainly unconstitutional lack of baseball, Batling Kurtis has created a most excellent game Nicky Punto: Utility Infielder.

Alternate between that and Clear the Bases.

A Bat Welcome...

Welcome! Faithful Batgirl sidekick Jeb, here. I understand that we might have some new visitors today. You might have seen these Batgirl entries referred to in the Pioneer Press article:

Read Justin Morblog...

Read congressional steroid hearings...

Read one of the many episodes in which Little Nicky Punto gets tragically eaten....

Read "Queer Eye for the Twins Guy...

And last, but not least, click here to watch "Oh Five!" A Batgirl Musical.

(To read other Batgirl greatest hits, you might like to see the list provided at batgirlrules.com .)

Brrrrrrrr

Today's game has been called off due to SNOW and will be made up Monday at 1:05. To pass the time until then I suggest playing Twins Picture Shuffle.

Boyfriend T-Shirt Update

Also sold this week, a TC Bear is my Boyfriend shirt.
It's clear, Lew Ford=babe magnet. BG would love to hear more.

Batgirl's Book Club: Sabermetrics and the Modern Batgirl

Any discussion of Moneyball inevitably becomes a discussion of sabermetrics, though as we've seen the two are not necessarily interchangeable. Nonetheless, Beane, et al, are using many of the same principles.

Reading the book was a good education for Batgirl—she'd heard so much about Moneyball it was refreshing to see what it was actually all about. And it certainly seems that Beane, DePodesta, et al were able to turn some innovative work by baseball outsiders into some real results.

Batgirl does admit, though, she finds the mechanical nature of the stats fetish a bit wearying. There's a point in the book where DePodesta is able to predict with rather startling accuracy how many runs the A's would score during the season, how many they would allow, and how many games they would win just by running some numbers in the media guide. Now, honestly, this depresses the crap out of Batgirl. Why play the games, then? Should we just take the media guides, sit around with our calculators, and start the playoffs?

That said, the idea of these statistics taking on the power of language was fascinating and strangely beautiful. Batgirl just doesn't want it to become the only language of the game. She can see how alluring sabermetrics is for those who love numbers, but Batgirl loves baseball because it contains narrative, story, characters. And stats just don't explain everything. Stats don't explain why the Twins hit better with Shannon Stewart in the line-up, or why LaTroy Hawkins is a fierce set-up guy and a horrific closer. Batgirl has seen Baseball Prospectus use stats to argue that Matt LeCroy should have started as the catcher during the playoffs, and then this off-season they used stats to argue that Gardy should give dear LeRoy a chance in the outfield. The outfield! Lies, damn lies, and statistics.

Well, the point is, baseball itself has the power of language. Baseball is such a profound game that it can encompass numbers and narrative, stats and sass, and maybe whatever else we want to throw at it.

Note: For a good rundown of the application of sabermetrics, see Twins Killings.

Batgirl's Book Club--MONEYBALL: The View From Over There

BG is pleased to introduce a GUEST COLUMNIST... Blez from Athletics Nation. Blez kindly agreed to lend an A's fan's perspective on the book.

If the mainstream media had its way, most people would believe that the book “Moneyball” is a more literate version of the 80s classic Better Off Dead. Billy Beane is John Cusack and Joe Morgan and company are the skiing bullies. Paul DePodesta is Cusack’s younger brother who is building a rocket in his bedroom.

I recently started reading Buzz Bissinger’s book 3 Nights in August and in the Preface, Bissinger says this:

“In this new wave of baseball, managers are less managers than middle managers, functionaries whose strategic options during a game require muzzlement, there only to affect the marching orders coldly calculated and passed down by upper management. It is wrong to say this new breed doesn’t care about baseball. But it’s not wrong to say there is no way they could possibly love it, and so much of baseball is about love. They don’t have a sense of history, which to the thirtysomethings is largely bunk. They don’t have the bus trips or the plane trips. They don’t carry along the tradition because they couldn’t care less about tradition.”

It’s assumptions like this that get an A’s fan such as myself all worked up and throwing three words at you…misunderstood, misinterpreted and mistaken. These three are embodied by the book’s most outspoken critic, Morgan, the ESPN Sunday Night Baseball color commentator, who misunderstood who wrote the book (and once claimed that Billy Beane wrote it), misinterpreted its overall message and is mistaken in the application of the so-called “on-base or station-to-station” baseball outlined in Lewis’ novel.

What many in the baseball world missed is that Moneyball is first and foremost a business book. It shows us the blueprint of how a team or company with a third of the revenue can find creative and innovative new ways to compete with monstrous baseball “corporations” like the New York Yankees and Boston Red Sox. It’s someone outlining how a Mom and Pop Shop can compete against Wal*Mart (not that $50 or $60 million is exactly Mom and Pop).

But what people fail to recognize is that the A’s have adjusted since then and are always trying to stay one step ahead of whatever baseball skill happens to be undervalued at the time. The book points to the A’s offensive philosophy, but it’s more what Billy Beane did this past winter in moving two stud pitchers, Tim Hudson and Mark Mulder, that shows that in order to actually play a game of Moneyball, one must think ahead in order to wind up ahead. These preemptive moves were made in large part because insanity reined supreme on the open market this past offseason. Starting pitching became hugely overvalued, especially when you look at the insanely ridiculous contracts of Jaret Wright and Kris Benson. So, Beane could see the market moving. He acted to build up the A’s organizational depth while acquiring pitchers who were major league ready or close to major league ready. He also acquired bullpen help in the form of the very valuable, very underrated Kiko Calero.

Ultimately, you’d think Moneyball would be an easy book to interpret. It’s not Jean-Paul Sartre’s Nausea. It’s straightforward in that the message is simple: find a market opportunity and attempt to exploit it. It doesn’t have to be about OBP or walks or bullpens made of misfit toys. The Twins have their own version of Moneyball. But instead of exploiting the market opportunity known as patience at the plate, the Twins approach it by working the draft and playing small ball.

Ranting Interlude: The point of the A’s offensive philosophy isn’t to go for a walk every time someone comes to bat, like Joe Morgan and many of the A’s critics claim. It’s actually to be patient and wait for the right pitch to hit. If that results in a walk, so be it. The endgame isn’t to try and get a walk. It’s to get a pitch to drive. A good example of this philosophy in action is the Boston Red Sox. It also isn’t to avoid the stolen base or bunt, but to use it in the best-case scenario and to put the A’s in position to win.

Another component of the book is the look at the 2002 draft and the strategy of avoiding high school players in favor of college players. This philosophy has served the A’s well because they currently have one of the deeper teams in baseball due to their penchant for taking college players. Huston Street was drafted in 2004 and he is already contributing to the A’s bullpen. He got his first major league win Sunday. The A’s also drafted Kurt Suzuki, a catcher from Cal State Fullerton who will likely be a part of the A’s roster in the near future. Nick Swisher and Joe Blanton are only a few years removed from the draft in the book. Ultimately, the A’s draft these kids not because they don’t have faith that some high school kids will work out, but they don’t have the luxury of waiting around for them to develop. And high school kids usually take longer to develop.

Lewis will explore this in an upcoming sequel to Moneyball that’s scheduled to publish in 2007. He’s been following the draft class of 2002 for the past three seasons.

Moneyball’s lasting impact is up for debate. But I believe that years from now, people will look at the book as a landmark not necessarily in offensive philosophy, but in how to rethink the conventional, stagnant rules of any business. People are already doing that today.

As for the baseball impact, I do expect the A’s to win a World Series before Beane’s time with the team is up in Oakland. And people will claim they won it for one reason or another, something having nothing to do with Beane. But then again, isn’t that the way it’s supposed to be with underdogs? Billy winning the K-12 race, one ski and all with Steve Schott chasing after him screaming, “I want my two dollars!”

Blez runs AthleticsNation.com and has interviewed both Billy Beane and Michael Lewis. Lewis will also be sitting down to talk with Blez again in the next three or four weeks, so check in for an update on the progress of the follow-up to Moneyball, Underdogs. Billy Beane will also be stopping by AN a few times this season. When Blez isn't writing about the A's, he dotes over a three-month old Baby Blez and dreams of starring in a remake of Ferris Bueller's Day Off.

BBC will continue on Friday with a discussion of sabermetrics.

Batgirl's Book Club: Day Two

On her second read through of Moneyball, Batgirl tried to focus on the separation between Michael Lewis and Billy Beane. Now, Batgirl found the book an absolutely fascinating read, a page-turner. There's nothing like sitting in that office on draft day. Lewis is a fluid, intelligent, and witty writer, and he did a fine job delineating the history of the sabermetric school of thought, and of explicating some rather obscure concepts in an accessible and entertaining way. No easy trick.

That said, Batgirl feels the book and the approach are harmed by an almost over-the-top enthusiasm Lewis has for "Moneyball" and for Beane. Stats are in for Beane, scouts are out—scouts in fact are portrayed as a group of pea-brained chaw-snarfing has-beens, and G.M.s, well, they're former scouts. Need I say more?

Lewis seems to fall victim to the very thing he accuses the scouts of: "There was," he says, "the tendency of everyone who actually played the game to generalize wildly from his own experience. People always thought their own experience was typical when it wasn't." Well, Michael Lewis seems to generalize from Billy Beane's experience: It was scouts that fell in love with Beane's potential and scouts that needed to be replaced by Paul DePodesta's computer.

If any organization shows the benefits of good scouting, it's the Minnesota Twins. Our G.M. is a former scout, and our scouts are the people who have plucked Johan Santana, Lew Ford, Jason Bartlett, and Dave Gassner from the dregs of other people's minor league systems, who perhaps saw them one day and found something to dream on.

In the afterword, Lewis writes of Toronto, "Ricciardi, the new GM had done what every enlightened GM will eventually do; fire a lot of scouts, hire someone comfortable with statistical analysis…" But isn't it possible, just possible, to be an "enlightened" GM and keep your scouts?

Lewis's afterword to Moneyball is a sort of sabermetric De Profundis, with perhaps only slightly more drama. Baseball is a social club, where "there really is no level of incompetence that won't be tolerated." There is no doubt that the chattering and nattering in response to the book by those who hadn't read it is absurd and just stooped as heck, but just as one writer accuses Lewis of a "total infatuation with Billy Beane" (by which he means nonsexual man-crush) Beane calls him and the rest of the press corps the "Women's Auxiliary." Surely there are ways to have this discussion on both sides without sissy-baiting?

What do you think? How does Moneyball work as a book? How well does it make its argument?

Tomorrow: "Moneyball" the process.

Batgirl Book Club #2: MONEYBALL

In the afterword to Moneyball, Michael Lewis describes a "religious war" inside baseball, for which his book served as a sort of 95 Theses nailed square on the door of the MLB establishment. Like any war-inciting document, the book has been both revered and reviled and it is difficult to discuss it without being assigned a side in this battle.

But Batgirl believes we can move beyond such Manichean simplicity and look at both the book and the approach it describes for both its strengths and flaws. Lewis himself perhaps favors the black-and-white approach when he likens the hubub around the book to "the endless, fruitless dispute between creationists and evolutionary theorists. On one side, parrying half-baked questions and insults, was the community of baseball fans who thought hard about the use and abuse of baseball statistics. On the other side, hurling the half-baked questions and insults, were the Club members who felt a deep inchoate desire to preserve their status."

Well, Batgirl cautions everyone to remember that this is not a religious war, but rather a book discussion. To reverse Lewis's metaphor, to criticize the book is not to be a heathen, and to praise it is not to be a zealot.

Batgirl herself finds both the book fascinating and flawed. But we'll get to that later. What do you think?

Oh, and we will have a special guest joining us for the week: Blez from Athletics Nation. If you're nice, maybe he'll show you pictures of his super-cute baby.

Oh. My. God.

Batgirl fav Brad Zellar has the most wonderful picture up on his blog today. Matthew LeCroy. In high school. Playing tennis. In shorts.

Here.

Go look. Now. Have you looked yet?

Know Your Twins Match Game!

For the Twins Yearbook, players were asked which star should play them in a movie. Can you match the Twin with his answer?

For the answers, please look here.

1. NICK PUNTO	A. Matt Damon
2. JESSE CRAIN	B. Omar Epps
3. JUAN CASTRO	C. Edward Norton
4. KYLE LOHSE	D. Brad Pitt
5. JOE MAUER	E. Keanu Reeves
6. JOHAN SANTANA	F. Sean Penn
7. JACQUE JONES	G. Al Pacino
8. LEW FORD	H. Ben Affleck
9. MATTHEW LECROY	I. Martin Lawence
10. JOE NATHAN	J. Jim Carrey

Jackal, Down and Out.

At one point during tonight's game Goober said to Batgirl, "We're going to lose every game this year," and Batgirl said, "Except when Carlos Silva pitches." Some conversation then about Silva's general awesomeness and Jeb madly predicted he (Silva, not Jeb) would win 20 games this year and even mentioned something about flirting with the Jackal as his boyfriend.

Then we climb into the BatMobile, all deflated after another loss to the Powers That Bitch, and we learn:

Silva on Disabled List with Right Knee Tear

He'll be out at least 'til the All-star Break, maybe all year. And you just know it breaks his sweet little Jackal heart.

Joe Mays will take his spot in the rotation, and Dave Gassner will become the 5th starter.

Opening Day Pictures.

In case you were not at the big teflon heart of Twins Territory to catch the game yesterday, Dr. Jane has pictures!

Try finding your brother in this crowd, even if you both have cell phones. Just try.

Back to Back to Back...





The Not-so-Big BatQuarters.





New Mural. They totally better not trade anyone. These things aren't cheap, you know.





Exactly.





Snuggles.





Best. President. Ever.





AJ and Joe...





Joe and AJ!

The View From Up Here

Team Batgirl was very disturbed to arrive at the Dome tonight and find that the BatQuarters...the giant jug of milk at the right field foul pole, had been replaced by a decidedly less spacious "Grab and Go" bottle. Sure, it's much more hip, but there's no room for the BatCouch. You'd think someone would have consulted us. So we had to find other seats, until we could submit our renovations to the proper authorities, and the view was decidedly less good.

We could almost see the game from our perch one row below the last in the upper deck. Poor Sooz nearly wilted from hunger waiting for the hot dog man to get his sherpa and climb up to us, though we were just high enough so no one on field could hear Batgirl's foul-mouthed ranting during Kyle Lohse's ill-fated three run inning. Probably.

Nonetheless, it was great to be in the Dome tonight--the tribute to Bob Casey was absolutely beautiful--Gordo got visibly verklempt during his speech and Casey's sons did a great job on the PA. One of them managed to sound exactly like his pop, enough so that for a time we still had Bob Casey with us. It was a good feeling.

The Restodyssey

Poor Michael Restovich. In the space of two weeks, he's gone from being a prospective Twin to a Devil Ray to a Colorado Rockie. And it's not clear if he'll get a chance to play there. (For a good rundown of the situation there, please see Frightwig's blog at Sundappled Wood.) Indeed, Resto's journey to the major leagues has been nothing short of epic, begging the question, which god did he piss off?

I mean, here he was, this strong strapping young lad, filled with promise and possessing himself of one fine boom boom stick. His heroics on the field were legendary—none more so than during the 1997 Minnesota State High School Baseball Tournment when he led the Rochester Mayo Spartans to a great come-from-behind victory over Owatonna with a very interesting ninth-inning gambit.

Swathed in glory, Michael Restovich set sail upon the wine-dark sea heading for the Big Leagues.

But the journey was not to be as simple as he thought. Poor Restovich's ship crashed upon the shores of Rochester, New York, where an evil sorceress enslaved him, stuck him in a uniform of her dastardly International League baseball team.

The sorceress kept him for years while his very hot wife waited patiently for him to reach the Bigs.

And then finally, the gods who had so long ignored him smiled on him and told him he was out of options.

They told the sorceress she had to let him go, and so she gave him a raft and a baseball bat and sent him off in the general direction of the Big Leagues.

But the way would not be easy. During Resto's journey his raft was tossed asunder and the poor lad was washed up completely naked on a nameless shore with a broken collarbone. There, a kind young woman gave him some clothes and helped him with strength training and introduced him to her father, who thought he might be a good power hitter off the bench. The man said he could send him to the Bigs himself, for he had to keep Corky Miller on the roster, so instead he gave Resto a nice ship with a good crew, and when rose-fingered Dawn rose across the sky, he sent him out to find his own way.

But Resto's trials were not over, for he learned that before he could get to the Bigs he would have to sail where no mortal has gone before and lived to tell the tale—the Land of the Dead, a.k.a. Tampa Bay. His crew gnashed their teeth and rent their garments at the news, but there was no choice.

When Resto arrived in Tampa Bay, he found that the poor Shades condemned there for all eternity were inexorably drawn to his life force, and it creeped him out and he got the hell out of there.

Feeling as if he had escaped a terrible fate, Resto set sail again, but one night the crew decided to stop for shelter on a remote island. In the morning, Resto went to investigate the caves, where he found a terrible one-eyed monster. The monster trapped Resto and his crew and before you knew it, one of them got eaten.

But clever Resto blinded the Cyclops and the men escaped, and when they got on their ship they found calm seas and a good wind. So they set sail—destination: Colorado, home of the lovely Circe and her phat snow lodge.

And finally the Bigs? For that, we shall have to wait. Just like Resto's very hot wife.

Run, Little Nicky, Run!

In case you didn't see Little Nicky Punto evading catcher Dan Wilson last night as he made his little way (wee wee wee all the way) home on a sac fly, Batling Whelliston provided this exclusive photo in the comments to yesterday's entry. Batgirl thought all should see it.

As Double-A says, note the determination in his eyes!

The Season is Here. Let's Sing.

Welcome to the 2005 season my friends. Batgirl is open for business. To kick off the year in style, Team Batgirl is extremely proud to present its very first musical, starring your Minnesota Twins--with music, lyrics, and animation by Team Batgirl.

To watch "Oh Five!" A Batgirl Musical in Flash, click here. (But only if you have very high speed Internet.)

To download "Oh Five" onto your computer, right click on the link below (on Macs, control+click) and select "Save target as..." (PC) or "Download linked file as..."(Mac). Then simply click on the file icon on your dekstop and it will load and play. Right-Click to Download Oh Five!.

"But Batgirl!" you say, "I cannot live unless I have the song "Oh Five!" on my phat new iPod! Please help me!" Well, my friend, Batgirl lives to serve. Download the MP3!

"But Batgirl," you say, "I want to sing along with the lyrics!" Well, here are the lyrics.

Download note: If you are running old versions of Quicktime, Real Player, or Windows Media Player you may need to update your programs or get a plug-in that can play MP4s. (We recommend Quicktime.) PC Users, problems playing it? Try this Plug-in

BatReminder

At 11:00 Monday morning, please turn half your radios to 'CCO to listen to Batgirl join Pat Miles' Monday round-table, and the other half to MPR to listen to FOB Howard Sinker discuss the upcoming season on Midmorning (or catch the archives later), and call in!

Then come to the Bulldog at 4 to watch the game with Batgirl, Jeb, Goober, Skorch, Mmmarkiep, She-Ra, Wonder Woman, Twins Goddess and the DemiGoddesses, Hooligan Kat, Frightwig, Double A, and more!

And One Last Time, Pictures.

It's moving day down in Florida--time to pack up all the old geezer pitchers and rookie shortstops and head home.

Batgirl wants to extend a huge BatThanks to Art from Fort Myers, Insider, and everyone else who sent photos for the edification of those of us stuck in the depths of the baseball-less winter. In the next couple of weeks, Batgirl will compile all the wonderful spring training pictures into thumbnails for your easy access, and for now, well...here's one last look at the boys of Spring.

No, no, not YOU guys!





That's better. Don't worry, Boo, this season everyone will want to be in your pants again.





You, too, LeRoy. Really!





Tiny pants.





Gardy pants.





Squatty pants.




See you guys tomorrow, when Batgirl officially opens for business!

Mayor's Cup Pictures!

Our second to last batch of photos from Art, from yesterday's BoSox game.

I mean, Johan Santana's game. Sorry, Mr. Santana, Sir.

And this, my friends, is how you throw a circle change.

Please don't try this at home.

Dear Michael Cuddyer, Thanks for playing so good! Love, Batgirl

Oh, yeah, you too. Nice try, there!

Not you.





Hey, you gonna read Moneyball for Batgirl's Book Club?

Monday

Get out your palm pilots! Call your personal assistants! Warn your kitties! Here's your schedule for Monday.

7:00. Rise and Shine! There's BASEBALL TODAY! What are you doing in bed? Don't you have to prepare? Put some coffee in that Batgirl mug and put on your "Don't Blame Me, I voted for Santana Nathan" t-shirt. It's time to get real, people.

11:00 Tune your radios into WCCO. Batgirl will be on The Pat Miles Show to discuss Social Security. I mean Opening Day. Call in and say how much you love Batgirl!

12:00 If you haven't already, place your orders for MONEYBALL. Batgirl's Book Club begins the 18th!

4:00 Be at the Bulldog in Uptown with Batgirl to watch Brad Radke begin the season in style. Perhaps buy Batgirl a drink?

8:00 Head home, happy and secure in a Twins victory. Maybe buy the BatKitties some catnip on your way. They like catnip.

Play it Again, For Old Time's Sake

Batgirl's friend Media Guy sends this old intro to the Max and Maloney show, starring one Mr. Bob Casey.

Click here. And NOOOOOO smoking.

EDIT: And Batgirl's found one more.

'05.

Oh, my darlings, the time will soon be nigh. The winter has been dark and dreary, but soon sunlight will be upon us all. The Twins season starts on Monday and we may all live again.

With the dawn of the season comes the dawn of Batgirl '05. A few changes this year: Batgirl will post open threads for every game. To prevent the dreaded condition known as Blogger's Burn Out (See: DSM-IVR) Batgirl will not be writing game recaps over the weekends this year, but will be back and open for business Monday mornings with weekend recaps. There will still be open threads, though.

Monday, the Twins open the season in Seattle at 4:00. Please join Batgirl at The Bulldog to watch the game. If you have work, I suggest calling in sick.

Take my hands, my friends, for baseball is back and there is much rejoicing in the BatQuarters.

An Epistle, in Pictures.

A letter from Art from Fort Myers:

Some thoughts on a strange day at Hammond Stadium...

 Bummer:  Game delayed a due to rain.  What's going on here?

 Good:  Patti Creem presents a nice check to local charities on behalf of the Twins.

 Sad:  A moment of silence is observed for Bob Casey.

 Sad:  The Red Lake victims are acknowledged by the lowered outfield flags.

 Bad:  Reds 2B Ryan Freel, leading off the game, hits a screaming, and I mean screaming, line drive over my head.  Two rows  behind me, and one seat over, a young girl, probably 6-8 years old, is seated between her parents.  The ball apparently struck her flush on the right side of the face with a sickening thud.  Gasps.  Silence.  Then, after an interminable pause, the joyous sound of a child crying.  Parents, you know what I'm talking about.  If they're OK enough to cry, the odds have improved to the point where you are no longer required to fear the absolute worst.  It did not appear she was cut, and hopefully the only residue from the event will be a bit of a headache.  No news in the paper this morning, so we're hoping for the best.  Our prayers are with her.


 Sad (In a different way):  Through 5 innings the Twins have mustered the sum total of 2 hits (Rivas & Ojeda) and are losing 1-0. 

Both hits were singles... drag bunts down the 1st base line.  They were accomplished only through the utilization of  Gardie's all-time favorite maneuver, the head-first slide.  I wish my vantage point allowed a view his reaction.  Also, due to the lack of action to that point, I decided to enjoy a bag of peanuts at a ball game for the first time in more than 20 years.  Hence, no pictures.




Bad: Luis Rivas gets an error. They play this guy for his defense?

 Good ( and funny):  Newmie explaining to fans wearing caps and/or shirts from other teams why they are not going to be getting a baseball from him, no matter how hard they beg or cajole.  I swear, if he had no hands, he would be mute.  Hilarious.

 Good:  Twins rally for a touchdown in the 6th.  Jacque homers for three after looking really bad on the two previous pitches. 

Mauer and Morneau get back-to-back hits off left-hander Kent Mercker.  Those two guys in the middle of the lineup hitting lefties is definitely a good sign.  Rivas triples. 

You don't get to see many triples in spring training, as everyone seems to pull up at 2nd unless the outfielder falls down, or something.  Luis was hustling all the way.  Lyle was no where to be found and Kyle was OK.




Good:  Twins 7, Reds 1

 Great:  El Presidente on Thurs.  More then.

Pictures. Yankee Pictures.

Some images from Saturday's match between good and evil, thanks to Art from Fort Myers. As so often happens, evil, alas, prevailed. But we did get to see Johan make a lot of people sit down.

A few of the fallen. Join the club, boys.

God, I love him.





Normally, I'd use this occasion to make fun of A-Rod, but he was really classy to Bob Casey and so I'll just let this image of him striking out pass without comment.





Oh, and this one too.





Johan gives Batgirl a heart attack. But she's okay now. Really. As long as he's okay. That's all that matters.





Out.





No, really, you're still out.





Justin Morneau is a large, large man,





Little Nicky Punto, not so much.

Pictures. Pirate Pictures.

The Twins continued their dominance of the Grapefruit League (okay, their slow battle to .500, but it's been going really well lately, once we've started playing, like, real baseball players). Terry Tiffee went 3 for 3 and had two errors, and Juan Castro went 2 for 3 but totally didn't have any errors. And Stewie went yard, so Newmie got to touch his butt. We've got pictures, thanks to Art from Fort Myers.

See?

Okay, we've got you surrounded. Put the World Series Ball down.





On one hand, he broke up a double play.





On the other...





Um, did I mention ESPN picked me as the best baserunner?

Starting at second base, a good day.





Making a throw for once, fabulous.





Spring training proposal?





Priceless.

Okay, Well, How Hot Is This???

In today's game, Gardy used a line-up which suddenly seemed awfully serious all of a sudden, awfully, well, you know-- opening day-esque!:

Shannon Stewart LF
Jason Bartlett SS
Chairman Mauer C
Dr. Morneau 1B
Sweetcheeks CF
Little Sweetcheeks RF
Lew Ford DH
Michael Cuddyer 3B
Luis "I'm Still Here" Rivas 2B

So, in answer to the question in the entry title, "Well, Batgirl, that's pretty damned hot right there." In fact, in the debut of the line-up was so hot, that...well, just look at the box score from MLB:

(No, that's not altered in any way. Thanks to impryvz for the heads-up.)

Buttons for Stacy's Mom

Click on the BatKitty to visit the store, and thank you for supporting Batgirl.

Report from Fort Myers and Will Nobody Think Of The Pictures?

Pictures from Art!

You can see chicks with this thing!

AND a report and pictures from Fort Myers from Batling and Bitch Sox fan Ilk. (Perhaps, dear Ilk, you are merely drawn to the Twins during spring training because in your heart, you know they are vastly superior to the Bitch Sox in every way.)

Dear Batgirl,

Spring always makes me itchy for baseball. Since my beloved Bitch Sox train in a nuclear waste dump in Arizona, I opt to go to Florida every year instead.

Got down to Fort Myers at about noon yesterday. Traffic on I-75 was a nightmare and I probably saw more Illinois license plates between Tampa and Fort Myers than I do in Chicago. It was Minnesota Day at Hammond Stadium and the parking lots were jam-packed with tailgating denizens from the Land O'Lakes. Not sure if lefse or lutefisk were part of the bill of fare. Wandered over to the minor league complex and watched the Twins-in-embryo known as the Beloit Snappers take batting practice before their game against the Pirates rookies. They're all young crackers.

As I was walking back toward the stadium, Tom Kelly strolled by all alone in his windbreaker and old man socks with a bat in his hand. I asked him if he had time to sign a ball really quick and he was like "I really really really gotta get going" and gave me a dirty sneer. (Please note: I was not wearing any White Sox attire) I hope the old bastard chokes on the grapefruit-sized wad of chaw he had in his mouth.

Grant Balfour and Lew Ford were goofing off with the TV camera in the Twins dugout right before the game started. Grant even put the controller's headset on and started moving it around. Would have made a great picture, but I had a beer in my hand at the time. [ILK! PUT THE BEER DOWN--BG]

Radke had a great first inning, and then got into trouble after that. I think he shortened up his delivery just a smidge and it seemed like everything was right down the pipe. If you're a soft-tosser who throws right down the pipe, sooner or later you're gonna get shelled.

No limp visible on Mauer. My god he has a sweet swing...that double he hit was just an absolute rope. He was a little hesitant running the bases...but hey, he's a catcher. (On a side note, I think that AJ has supplanted Paul Konerko as the slowest Bitch Sock)

Torrrrriiii made a fantastic running backhanded stab off a Brandon Inge shot in the 5th. I can't stand the guy [PERHAPS BECAUSE HE IS SO AWESOME?--BG], but there is none better at his position in all of baseball.

I'll be blunt. Nathan looked just rotten. I don't think that anyone even swung at most of his offerings, they were so far outside.

The Twins all in all look like the same pesky, perky bunch that's caused me so much misery these past 3 years. Counting the days until the season!

Sincerely,
Ilk

PS: They have this restaurant here called Waffle House. There's really good waffles there [YUM, WAFFLES--BG].

ArtShots!

A little more color in his face...





...if not his swing.





...I'm sad.





I'm Rad!





Happy!





Bum touchie!





Maybe if I get a triple, Newmie will touch my bum, too!





Nice try.





Nice try, again.

And IlkShots:

Didn't somebody take a picture of us doing this yesterday?





Somebody get in there!





That's better.





Pitchee.





Hittee.

New Designs in the BatStore

Boyfriend T-shirts!

(Yes, we try to accomodate requests.)

AND...show everyone who's your winning ticket!

Visit the Batgirl Store!

Look, Ma, Pictures!

From Sunday's game versus the Detroit Kitty Kats, courtesy of LackofIntellect. and Insider!

Gardy has such pretty handwriting!

If we pick up this bat, will someone take a butt shot?





I can't relax, I'm afraid someone's going to take a butt shot!





No one took our butt pitctures in Triple A.





Don't bother us one bit!

Meanwhile, it was Minnesota Day at Hammond Stadium. Tail-gate-o-rama, and Insider took pictures. Look at all the towns represent! (And is that Paris and Nicole in picture 5?)

Pictures. Green pictures.

Do not adjust your monitors. Move away from the controls. There's nothing wrong with your television set. I mean computer. I mean, there might be--how do I know? I'm not freakin' psychic.

I'm a little leprechaun!

What I'm saying is, yes, the Twins are dressed in green uniforms. You are not losing your mind. I mean you may be, but... Well, anyway, it was all in honor of Saint Patrick's Day. Or it would have been, had Thursday's game not been rained out and rescheduled for Friday night. So, you know, it's like Boxing Day, St. Paddy's Style. And Insider took pictures.

Green.

Green.

Green.

Green.

Green.

Green.

Green.

Green.

Green.

Red.

The Steroid Hearings: A Reenactment

As you know, today Congress opened its hearings on steroid use in baseball. In case you weren't able to catch the broadcast on ESPN News, Team Batgirl is happy to provide a reenactment using our exclusive Legovision technology. We hope you find it edifying.

The scene.

The hearing room is totally packed.





This hearing is called to order!





From left to right, Jose Canseco, Sammy Sosa, Rafael Palmero, Curt Schilling line up to testify.





Mr. Palmero, have you ever used performance-enhancing drugs?





I am totally against the use of performance enhancing drugs of all kinds. Except, of course, for my pee pee which doesn't work so good sometimes.





In a tense moment, Curt Schilling gets up in Jose Canseco's grill.





Bud Selig arrives to testify.





Mr. Selig, what did baseball know and when did they know it?





Selig consults his lawyer.





Mr. Selig? Answer the question!





Have you no decency, Sir?

Batgirl's Book Club #2

Last week, Batling BatBandwagoner sent Batgirl an article from the Toronto Star about the new direction of the Blue Jays. As anyone who has read knows, Toronto GM J.P. Ricciardi, besides being a Corey-Koskie-stealing blackguard, is a protege of one Billy Beane. Or at least was; according to the article in the Star, the Blue Jays are going to eschew Moneyball in favor of Minnyball, which is all very interesting, because Batgirl thinks...

...wait. Haven't you read ? You haven't? Why on earth not? Well, it looks like we have our next Batgirl's Book Club selection:

That's . The book club will commence Monday, April 18th. As you read, please consider the differences between Moneyball and Minnyball.

To read the full Toronto Star article, click below.

FORT MYERS, Fla. - The inexplicable "cult of J.P." appears dead. Baseball Prospectus, the Bible of stats seamheads, has come down hard on the Blue Jays in its sophomorically written 2005 edition.

The honeymoon is over. The Jays front office is accused of abandoning
its reverence for the three-run blast. GM J.P. Ricciardi's own stats
geek, Keith Law, a former Prospectus contributor, is viewed as a
traitor.

As if to confirm what the Prospectus suspected, Blue Jays manager John
Gibbons confirmed last week the Jays will no longer sit around waiting
for the big blow. Gibbons insists he wants his team to play more like
the small-market Minnesota Twins, who on a similar budget, have been to
the playoffs three straight years.

"They're aggressive and they play all-out all the time," Gibbons said
yesterday, prior to the Jays' Grapefruit League opener vs. his new role
models from Minneapolis.

"They hustle on everything. They take the extra bases and they do all
the little things. They sac-bunt at certain times when they need to.
They hit and run. They steal some bases and they're a very good
defensive team. Their pitchers throw strikes."

Hmm. The fact that Gibby has the blessing of Ricciardi for this change
of direction must mean the fourth-year GM, a long-time disciple of the
Rev. Billy Beane, has wrestled himself free from the spell of Moneyball.
Somehow, he's been de-programmed.

One man who seems excited about the change in philosophy is Brian
Butterfield, third-base coach in charge of baserunning.

"Running the bases, (the Twins) are the benchmark in the American
League," Butterfield said. "They do it right. They move up on balls in
the dirt. They're a good two-base (advance on a single) team. That's
what we're striving to be.

"There's clubs we play, we know aren't nearly as aggressive. It takes
the pressure off the middle infielders. They don't have to hold runners
at second base. You can play your first baseman behind some runners. It
gives a team the advantage when you can sit back and concentrate on the
ball off the bat."

What Butterfield described as comfortable opponents they like to play is
the way the Jays were on the bases the last several years. They're
working on changing that.

But there's more to being the Twins than just what goes on in the three
hours of a game. There's a distinct organizational philosophy that
cannot immediately be implemented just because you say it's so. It comes
from the support of ownership and takes a few years to settle in.

"Over the last three or four years I've heard a lot of people say, 'We'd
like to follow the Twins or the Oakland pattern, with the mid-range or
the lower-quarter payroll teams,'" Twins general manager Terry Ryan
said. "Milwaukee, Kansas City and even Texas, I've heard it from. Now,
when I hear Toronto say that ... well, we used to emulate the Blue Jays
back in the '90s. It's come full circle."

Ryan has solid advice for the Jays' decision-making triumvirate of owner
Ted Rogers, president Paul Godfrey and Ricciardi, if they intend to take
a serious stab at changing direction.

"It takes patience from the top, because it's not easy," said Ryan,
entering his 11th season as architect in Minnesota. "You're going to
take a pounding for a while if you're going to go that path. And if the
owner will let the GM and the GM will let the manager and the managers
let the players and the players rely a little on scouting and
development, it can work. But it gets a little dicey, because nobody
wants to take that type of length or patience to get it done.

"(The Jays) have a number of good players coming up from Syracuse and
New Hampshire. You'd like to see a couple of those guys hit. If they do,
all of a sudden you get on a little bit of a roll. Now the fans start to
take notice and maybe things are going the right way you want."

The Jays turnaround won't be immediate, but Baseball Prospectus
objections aside, it seems the Jays are finally headed in the right
direction.

Did Somebody Say Pictures?

First, from Monday's game against the Big Teal, BatCubReporter Art from Fort Myers provides the lowdown.

Today's game was less than a spectacular for a number of reasons.  Defense on both sides was pretty sloppy, and the offenses weren't much to write home about either.  Cuddyer made a great play on Luis Castillo in the 1st (See images).  Later, Rivas botched a hit & run leaving Redmond hung-up between 1st & 2nd.  Lew Ford finally singled in the 5th, I think it was, thereby providing the Twins with their first hit of the game. Then Resto shattered his bat, with the barrel twirling into the crowd behind the Twins dugout along the 3rd base line.  It struck a lady in the left hand leaving a gash that required stitches at the ER in nearby Gulf Coast Hospital.  Other than that, she said that she expected to be OK.  I know all this because as I was sitting at the stop light at the intersection of 6-Mile Cypress Pkwy and Daniels shortly after the incident, I looked over at the car next to me and here's this lady holding her bandaged left hand up with a chemical cold pack on it.  I was able to get her attention and engaged her in a brief bit of conversation before the light changed.  She seemed to be in fairly good spirits in spite of her ordeal, so I wished her well and they were on their way.  For the record, she did not keep the "crummy old bat" because of its condition.

CSI: Fort Myers

The Remains

The Victim

Eyewitnesses





Look, Ma...

I'm playing third!

If I squeeze my face up really hard, I might get a hit.

This wouldn't have happened if I'd taken naked batting practice.





Finally, some media attention for Sweetcheeks.




And fron Insider, we have some delightful candids from a muggy practice earlier this week.

TK, frightening young ballplayers since 1986.





Man, baseball would be much more pleasant under a giant Teflon roof.





Some guy in a hat signs an autograph





Some guy with elbow surgery signs another one.





My cheeks are sweet too, but they're on my face!

And finally, Lubberhopper sends this magnificent picture of Tony and Gordette Oliva under an apt street sign. (And no, it's not "Totally-Screwed-Out-Of-The-Hall-Parkway.")

Batgirl's Book Club

I'd like to close out our discussion of BALL FOUR today with a few questions. How has baseball changed? Do you think these changes are for the better?

What is the book's legacy? Why is it "immortal?" Did the book change the game at all? Did it change your views of the game?

Do you think a sports book could be equally shocking today, or are we all shocked out?

Hey, look! Pictures!

In case you missed seeing the BoSox game on Saturday Sunday (and really, what could you possibly have been doing that was more important than that???) we've got your pictures right here, thanks to Dr. Jane and Art from Fort Myers.

From Dr. Jane:

Is this man bothering you, Mr. Ortiz?

Hey, Big Papi, wanna come back and play short?

Alan Embree and Nicky Punto.

Bears gone wild.

That's Willie.

Cuddy, apparently secure in his place on the team, shows off Gardy's rookie card.

So, Joe, how's the knee?

Ouch.

Medic?

I don't know. Someone else think of a caption.

From Art from Fort Myers:

Please don't throw it to me, please don't....

Boom.

Boom.

Papi's new shoes.





Hey! I stole a base! Gardy, did you see? Did you see?

No, really. Medic?

Batgirl's Book Club

Reading BALL FOUR, I wondered how baseball has changed over the years, and what Jim Bouton would think of the game today. Well, Batling Nailbiter pulled up a great ESPN.com interview with him a couple years ago in which he pontificates on Jose Canseco, steriods, and the gay Jackie Robinson. Check it out. What do you think?

Meanwhile, Nailbiter also sends this picture in from a Seattle Pilots website of a certain spring training invitee....

As Promised!

Batgirl watched the games on TV this weekend and has not been this happy since October. At one point today, they flashed to someone in the stands with a Twins hat and a camera--more pictures for Batgirl, one hopes.

Today's butt shots thanks to Fargo. Study up for Name that Butt:2005 edition!

J. Ro lines up for a spanking machine.

Terry Tiffee Butt





LeRoy Butt





Lew Ford Butt





Justin Morbutt.





JD Durbutt.





Newbie Butt.





Non-roster Invitee Butt

And You Thought There Would Be No More Pictures!

Oh, my darlings, Batgirl's got pictures for you. Insider's back and Fargo has sent Batgirl some fabulous shots. A few to whet the appetite today, and then more tomorrow....

From Insider:

If Rod Carew, Tony Oliva, and Paul Molitor can't teach this gang to hit...

Hey, Cuddy, pull the ball, okay? For your Uncle Rod?

Mulholland plays with an invisible ball for, like, hours.

And from Fargo:

Being President is Hard Work.





VP too!





Try being President Pro Tempore!





Hey, for a change, Mauer signs an autograph





Oh, another one!





Here, honey, let me show you how to use that thing.





Huh? Giant Kitty? NOOOOOOOOOOO!





Joe? Um, Joe? Pease...be...careful!





You guys feel old all of a sudden?





I learned to hit with one of these. That's why I'm such a good contact guy.




Tomorrow....BUTT SHOTS!

BatNotes

Batgirl's Book Club will continue Monday and conclude on Tuesday. Please study your texts over the weekend.

Meanwhile, please check out "If Bloggers wrote the classics" at Baseball Toaster. Batgirl saw it and said it was good.

Finally, the Twins are on TV! The Twins are on TV! FSN will be broadcasting spring training games Saturday and Sunday at noon. Batgirl is pretty sure that that, too, will be good.

And speaking of good, a special super thanks to Infield for this FAB Spring Training shirt, autographed by Lew Ford! BatSwag makes for a happy Batgirl.

Batgirl was also very interested in the relationship between the players and the coaches in BALL FOUR (as were a few readers, judging by their e-mails). There's no love lost between Bouton and his pitching coach, Sal Maglie, who is basically portrayed as some kind of half-wit. For Bouton, coaching positions are basically rewards for players who don't make waves when they're on the team. Maglie's primary function as pitching coach of the Pilots seems to be to shout platitudes and cover his own bum.

So, do you think this is fair? Have coaches changed over the years? How so?

Phun.

The Twins met the Phillies today and, Art from Fort Myers was there with his magic camera, and, ah, well, here's Radke's line for the day:

There was a lot of this:

And then this happened:

In fact, this guy was just kind of a pain in our collective @$$ all day.

But Bartlett got to show off a little glove work..





...Throwing out one Mr. Jose Offerman at the plate.





And Mr. Mauer DHed, and he brought his KNEE with him.





And Shannon Stewart continues to hit up the place...





...we can score, too, Jimmy Rollins. (Just not as many as you...)

One of the things in BALL FOUR Batgirl found most interesting was the issue of how management treated the players. With the exception of the stars, it seems the players had to fight for a decent salary--not to mention the hassles of dealing with moving from apartment to apartment when you're called up or traded, and all the rental deposits lost.

In the background of Bouton's narrative lingers Marvin Miller, who transformed the MLB Players' Association from a relatively meaningless organization into a powerful union. (For more on Miller, read here.)

It was Miller who was responsible for free agency and, ultimately, for such modern day horrors as Donald Fehr, who is surely a swollen pimple on the bum of baseball. Nonethless, Bouton feels the owners have no one to blame but themselves, and after reading BALL FOUR, it's hard not to agree.

From p. 408 of the Official Batgirl's Book Club edition:

The irony is that if the owners hadn't abused the players so badly, we wouldn't have gone out and hired Marvin Miller and the players wouldn't be free agents today. If owners had just doubled the minimum salary, say to $14,000, and given us some extra meal money, we would have been more than content to let things ride.

Batgirl's Book Club: BALL FOUR

Batgirl's Book Club commences today. For the next few days, we'll be discussing BALL FOUR by Jim Bouton. If you have any discussion topics or questions, please e-mail Batgirl.

To begin, Batgirl asks, very simply--what did you think of the book? What do you think of Bouton? What do you think the book made so many people angry?

BALL FOUR

Batgirl's Book Club begins tomorrow. If you have any discussion topics/questions to propose, please e-mail Batgirl!

Game Faces

Batling Neal writes from sunny Fort Myers asking if anyone wants to meet up for the games in the next couple of days. If, so, please say something in the comments.

For those of us who cannot be there, we must rely on pictures, and for that we have Dr. Jane, Infield at her blog (with extra butt shots just for the Batlings!) and of course, Art from Fort Myers. (As always, if you want hi res versions of any of Art's shots, please e-mail Batgirl.)

Art sends us shots of today's much anticipated bout between the Twins and the nefarious Devil Rays, in which many bats were called but few were left unbroken. (Also Resto continued his Fort Myers tear, which pleases Batgirl, and Carlos Silva and C.J. Nit-whatever comported themselves well on the mound.)

It broke.

Another sacrifice to the baseball gods.

The VooDoo That He Doo.

Yer out!





Corky, for the ladies.




Meanwhile, Dr. Jane travels all the way up to the Florida equivalent of Canada to give us these shots, featuring one Cordel Koskie.

Is that....a smile?





Corey, do these stripes make my butt look big?





"You can't get me Koskie, I'm too fast!"





"Hey, LeRoy, why don't you steal home? I won't tell."





He's president of Canada, too.





Really? You liked my butt shot?





There's that smile.





Koskie's car on fire?

Saturday's Game, In Living Color

Twins v. BoSox, courtesy of Art.

Morneau gets humiliated.

Big Papi goes Boom.

Jason Tyner goes Boom!

I just gave up a homer to WHO?

It's okay, man. Martha got out today. She'll be all right.

Batlings with Blogs and More Dispatches from Spring Training

Another report over at ; she and her merry band of pirates travelled up to the Pirates game yesterday. Batgirl found this part particularly interesting:

The star of the whole show, in my vaguely humble opinon, was Jason Bartlett. He was composed at the plate, recording two hits and reminding us all that Guzman isn't the only shortstop around who can break the sound barrier on his way to first. But we all knew he could hit, we all knew he was fast. His fielding, footwork and positioning in particular, has been the wall between him and a major-league career. In this game he was nearly flawless. He showed range and good judgement, positioning himself well and reacting correctly to plays that happened too fast to allow for deliberation. And if he still struggles somewhat with a tendency to over-throw, his worst lob was still within reasonable stretching distance for the first baseman, and no outs were ever in jeopardy. In sum, he looked like a major-league shortstop, though he was far from it mere months ago. But he, like Cuddyer, will need to repeat performances like this many times over before we truly believe.

If Barlett actually has learned to use his glove, it would be pretty exciting. A shortstop who can hit? How terrible au courant. Meanwhile, check out Infield's photos here.

Also, Frightwig's got a blog! The much-beloved Batling has laid his stakes down here. Better living through baseball, indeed.

Meanwhile, insider is back and has shot some nice photos of Sir Rodney, who came down to Fort Myers to class up the joint.

See, Jacque, when the pitch is above your head, you don't actually have to swing at it.



Nick Punto gets an autograph.

Jane of Mike and Jane sends one more butt shot for the collection, and it is really one terrific butt.

And finally...the ticket lives!

ArtShots

Batling Infield is down in Fort Myers lapping up the sunshine and the baseball. Here pictures are here and her report is at her blog Third Base Line.

Meanwhile, here are some shots from Friday's game, courtesy of His Excellency, Art from Fort Myers:

Good day.

Bad day.

I'm going to hit it!

Wheeee! I hit it HARD!

Chug Chug Chug





Hello, I am Luiz Maza. I am not going to make the team.

I AM!!!!!! I TOTALLY AM!





I'm starting at 3rd base!

I still don't feel so good.